To think my boyfriend is going off me?

[popgoesthehedgehog]

My boyfriend of a year has always been really affectionate, loving and very openly attracted to me.

Recently he’s been under a lot of stress, taking up a new role at work, squeezing everything alongside that and his other commitments. He doesn’t get much downtime. He also suffers from sleep apnea so is always tired.

We’ve always had sex frequently but recently becoming less so - we are always falling asleep by the evening and he’s way too tired in the morning and struggles to wake up.

He’s always complimented me for example if I’m getting changed in front of him he will go “ooh” or if I’m wearing a nice outfit he would comment. He hasn’t been doing that as much recently as he says he’s often distracted, busy or tired.

I have communicated this with him and he said “I’m so sorry, I am just so sidetracked and concentrating on other things, I really do think you’re so attractive and that hasn’t changed”. He also apologised as he doesn’t deal with stress very well.

Yesterday I got upset as I was wearing a really nice revealing top which I know he loves. We got halfway through the evening and he hadn’t said anything. I said “do you like the top?” And he said “yes of course, sorry I’m just concentrating on crossing the road”. I rolled my eyes and said there’s always an excuse, and asked more. He then said I’m “fishing” and I got really upset.

Same with this morning, wore a really nice blouse to work and he said nothing. So I asked him if I liked it and he said “yes”.

He’s now saying I “really need to let it happen naturally and stop asking/forcing it” and “you have got to be more understanding when I’m busy or have other things on my mind”. Also I have to trust him when he says he still thinks that of me.

Am I being dramatic here?

I think YABU, however, it sounds like your love language is Words of Affirmation and you were receiving it regularly from your boyfriend until recently. I understand why that would upset you. It appears, though, that it is due to his stress and tiredness and not because he stopped having feelings for you. Do you know his love language and have you been offering it to him? Or, simpler, have you tried to help with his tiredness/stress?

I'm guessing you have issues with your appearance as this seems to be the main crux of your issue. The poor guy sounds quite stressed and knackered. Firstly find your own validation I'm no size 8 but I do dress to compliment my figure, I feel better in some things than others the key is I don't need constant reassuring from my partner. Find your happiness in your appearance within yourself . Second find ways as a couple to make time for a date night and leave work/ hang ups to one side find yourselves as a couple. We don't have loads of time as a couple but a small gesture like coming home with each others favourite chocolate because the other has had a crap day shows you care. My fella is a man of few words if I needed a compliment I'd be severely disappointed as I may get you look really good in that once a year. But it's other things he says and does that validates that love I'll catch him all doe eyed when I'm cooking tea and dancing to the radio like a loon haha. Don't rely on someone's validation to make you feel happy , your a team support him too .x

Yes, sorry but you sound very hard work. Why do you need a man to validate your appearance

You sound like really hard work. He's stressed, it's natural for him to be concentrating and focusing on other things. Also you've been together now for a year... perhaps the honeymoon period is ending? It's natural for things to slow down after that. Give him a break!

I think people are being way too harsh to you, OP.

I've felt the energy shift like this in relationships before and its hard not to become more needy but it's the worst thing you can do.

Stop fishing for compliments, you pull back from the relationship a bit and it'll tell you everything you need to know about how he feels. Stuff like taking slightly longer to reply to texts, be slightly less available, slightly less complimentary to him but not in too obvious a way, just like you're losing interest a teeny bit.

Either he'll step up or he won't but you'll have your answer.

I think your neediness is massively exacerbating his underlying exhaustion and stress.

I have no way of knowing if he's actually going off you (although it doesn't sound like it from what you've said). But what I can promise you is that asking for compliments and exhibiting this sort of neediness will push him away in either case. Mithering him over this is the fastest possible way to put him off you.

Self-confidence, high self-esteem and a sense of independence are massive turn-ons. Someone who constantly seeks validation and suggests they have no self-esteem without this validation will make the other partner feel responsible and bring their mood down. It's really not good for a healthy relationship or sex life.

Ultimately you can't control how he feels about you. You can control how you feel about yourself so just focus on this. Constantly looking for someone else's approval won't help with that as he will never be able to deliver what you're looking for.

You need to work on your self esteem. You shouldn't be in a relationship if you're so over-dependent on the other person to feel good about yourself.

I have communicated this with him and he said “I’m so sorry, I am just so sidetracked and concentrating on other things, I really do think you’re so attractive and that hasn’t changed”. He also apologised as he doesn’t deal with stress very well

You have communicated your worries, he has responded with a completely valid reason he is unable to give you the usual amount of attention. That should be the end of it and you should back off, but you are all push push push.

It is so disrespectful towards him and his feeling.

Back off and give him room to breathe.

You really need to read this post and take it on board OP.

No good can come from you continuing to push on this.

Well I disagree with all these comments. I think the fact he’s changed how he is with you isn’t great. Yes we all get stressed and tired. Actually, I recently stopped being affectionate with my dp and he picked up on it, I didn’t really notice but it was just because I was tired and concentrating on other things… much like what your boyfriend has said. However. As soon as my dp pointed it out and said it was making him feel crap I changed it. Yes it felt a bit forced to start with but after a day or 2 it felt normal and natural again. Now he’s happy, I’m happy. I’m not always a lovey dovey person but if that is what my partner needs then I’ll do that. It’s not a big ask is it. You’re unhappy with this, he should care about that, 100%.

Hello fellow Rick (and IT Crowd?)😃 fan!

You sound a nightmare girlfriend, I started going off pretty quickly into your post, think you've done well he has stayed a year ! High maintenance and needy come to mind.

What a nasty thing to say.
Do you really enjoy being so horrible??

I think you are feeling quite insecure because of the lack of compliments and change of behaviour but it also sounds like this isn't about you.

We can all be insecure but it doesn't help of change anything. Perhaps you could consider supporting him through his stress and say, "I've noticed you aren't yourself lately, is there anything I can do to help or support you?" Maybe you could suggest he changes his work situation if it is making him stressed and unhappy.

Once he's sorted himself out and in a better place he'll have more capacity to meet your needs. X

This would be an incredibly annoying reaction if I said I was stressed at work. Why don't you listen and actually empathise with the problem and his stress, instead of focusing on looks and the physical relationship??

I called on lunch (as usually do) and he ranted about his day, I listened. He then said he had to go. I then said I’m doing ok and he said “I just forgot to ask, just cut me some slack, I really need you to understand”.

I then said I haven’t spoken about my work day to give him a break and he bluntly said “that’s not what I need, that’s not right, I need the distraction”. Just can’t do anything right at the moment I feel

It sounds like you were a bit passive aggressive - believe me I know it can be really frustrating living with someone who's very stressed, but try and take a step back and have a bit more empathy while he's going through a tough fine. It won't last forever. And if you've been supportive, he'll love you all the more for it when it's over.

Tough time 🙄

Of course you can't, you're trying to cause arguments for no reason other than attention.

You have an extraordinary ability op to just completely ignore other people.
Which for you on this thread has been marvellous, since youve been completely slated, so this ability is a great skill.
Not so much in actual relationships, where the ability to listen and empathise is required.
I have no doubt whatsoever that you will glaze over this post with you'll our eyes seeing the words and your head full of its own thoughts, but I knew that before i started typing and I'm quite happy in the sun here anyway.

Just doesn’t seem himself that’s all

My god get a life.

I think you need to work out why you're taking so much of your validation from your bf... obviously it's nice to be complimented etc but he's explained why he can't offer you this at the minute and you're unable to accept the reason you've already been given because of the insecurity you're feeling. You need to focus a bit more on yourself here and how you can validate yourself instead of needing it from him all the time. If he's struggling with libido due to stress then you turning even funny things into something flirtatious and sexual is actually bound to be putting a lot of pressure on him to feel a way that he doesn't right now. Relationships naturally ebb and flow depending on what's happening for the people in them. Instead of focusing on what you need from him, meet your own needs and try to focus on how you can support him instead.

This!
Back of woman. Back off.

Of course he's not, he's stressed and your making him stress more of course he'll pull away. How old are you? 16?