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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my boyfriend is going off me?

110 replies

popgoesthehedgehog · 09/06/2023 10:14

My boyfriend of a year has always been really affectionate, loving and very openly attracted to me.

Recently he’s been under a lot of stress, taking up a new role at work, squeezing everything alongside that and his other commitments. He doesn’t get much downtime. He also suffers from sleep apnea so is always tired.

We’ve always had sex frequently but recently becoming less so - we are always falling asleep by the evening and he’s way too tired in the morning and struggles to wake up.

He’s always complimented me for example if I’m getting changed in front of him he will go “ooh” or if I’m wearing a nice outfit he would comment. He hasn’t been doing that as much recently as he says he’s often distracted, busy or tired.

I have communicated this with him and he said “I’m so sorry, I am just so sidetracked and concentrating on other things, I really do think you’re so attractive and that hasn’t changed”. He also apologised as he doesn’t deal with stress very well.

Yesterday I got upset as I was wearing a really nice revealing top which I know he loves. We got halfway through the evening and he hadn’t said anything. I said “do you like the top?” And he said “yes of course, sorry I’m just concentrating on crossing the road”. I rolled my eyes and said there’s always an excuse, and asked more. He then said I’m “fishing” and I got really upset.

Same with this morning, wore a really nice blouse to work and he said nothing. So I asked him if I liked it and he said “yes”.

He’s now saying I “really need to let it happen naturally and stop asking/forcing it” and “you have got to be more understanding when I’m busy or have other things on my mind”. Also I have to trust him when he says he still thinks that of me.

Am I being dramatic here?

OP posts:
Verv · 09/06/2023 12:37

The guy is knackered, stressed to hell and in the middle of a significant work change, and as a result of this you're being ultra hard work and needy.

YABU. You sound like an absolute nightmare.

Newname2323 · 09/06/2023 12:43

Crazycrazylady · 09/06/2023 10:53

Honestly constantly looking for compliments is a really unattractive quality. Don't do it or iit really will put him off.

Agreed, 'ick' worthy

Aubree17 · 09/06/2023 12:49

He's right.

A compliment is never a compliment if it's forced.

He sounds committed to your relationship. I think you should relax.

FelisCatus0 · 09/06/2023 12:52

Why do you even need compliments? I understand about not having the sex, but as far as the compliments you sound like a needy and desperate 14 year old girl. You shouldn't need compliments in a secure adult relationship.

itsmellslikepopcarn · 09/06/2023 12:52

You sound like you have an anxious attachment style, OP. Please don’t lay any more stress on DP. It’s quite normal in relationships after time to not get the same compliments you used to when you were first dating, and he’s explained why he’s preoccupied.

arethereanyleftatall · 09/06/2023 12:54

I'm afraid op, I would have gone off you a long time ago. I couldn't be bothered with that nonsense. He sounds fine, just tired. Like he said.

TidyHomeTidyMind · 09/06/2023 12:56

I would have been done with you well before we'd made it to a year!
From the tone of your post you know you look good....why do you need him to say it? You ARE quite literally the definition of fishing for compliments.
Did you wear the blouse to work because you like it or because you wanted him to notice it? If it is the latter I would say you have some issues.

sr92 · 09/06/2023 12:58

Reading this was exhausting never mind having to be your boyfriend

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 09/06/2023 12:59

If I said to someone that they looked great in a certain top...I'd take it that this applies whenever they wear that top. I would find it really odd if they wore the top again and then got upset when I didnt say that I liked it.

Its normal to be a bit more over the top in after 18 months. Likely he hasnt gone off you but is having a difficult time and you're just adding to this. So if you do carry on like this he might go off you

Pinkdelight3 · 09/06/2023 12:59

You quite superficial and fixated on appearances/physical attraction. It's more important to be interested in who your partner is as a person and what they're going through. He's telling you he's stressed at work and you just want it to be about looks and sex. That would make him go off you more than anything. And you are fishing so he's right - and right to focus on crossing the road. Stop fishing and fixating on this and work on your own self-esteem as a separate issue then you won't be needing constant validation and reassurance.

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 09/06/2023 13:00

Have you always been this needy and desperate gor male approval?
You sound very insecure.
Were you raised to believe that your only worth is look and having sex with men?
Have you ever been single/alone?

GalileoHumpkins · 09/06/2023 13:01

Do you stalk the house in a low-cut blouse just waiting for compliments?
Why do you need constant reassurance that your blouse is lovely?

Wicksytricksy · 09/06/2023 13:03

I used to work with a woman like OP and it was exhausting. She'd fish for compliments and work from one colleague to another until she had enough validation. I was delighted when she got a new job.

Shade17 · 09/06/2023 13:06

You sound like an absolute nightmare. Hopefully he has some good friends IRL giving him some advice.

HelpMeUnpickThis · 09/06/2023 13:08

popgoesthehedgehog · 09/06/2023 10:14

My boyfriend of a year has always been really affectionate, loving and very openly attracted to me.

Recently he’s been under a lot of stress, taking up a new role at work, squeezing everything alongside that and his other commitments. He doesn’t get much downtime. He also suffers from sleep apnea so is always tired.

We’ve always had sex frequently but recently becoming less so - we are always falling asleep by the evening and he’s way too tired in the morning and struggles to wake up.

He’s always complimented me for example if I’m getting changed in front of him he will go “ooh” or if I’m wearing a nice outfit he would comment. He hasn’t been doing that as much recently as he says he’s often distracted, busy or tired.

I have communicated this with him and he said “I’m so sorry, I am just so sidetracked and concentrating on other things, I really do think you’re so attractive and that hasn’t changed”. He also apologised as he doesn’t deal with stress very well.

Yesterday I got upset as I was wearing a really nice revealing top which I know he loves. We got halfway through the evening and he hadn’t said anything. I said “do you like the top?” And he said “yes of course, sorry I’m just concentrating on crossing the road”. I rolled my eyes and said there’s always an excuse, and asked more. He then said I’m “fishing” and I got really upset.

Same with this morning, wore a really nice blouse to work and he said nothing. So I asked him if I liked it and he said “yes”.

He’s now saying I “really need to let it happen naturally and stop asking/forcing it” and “you have got to be more understanding when I’m busy or have other things on my mind”. Also I have to trust him when he says he still thinks that of me.

Am I being dramatic here?

@popgoesthehedgehog you sound very needy and dependant on validation for your looks/appearance.

Why don’t you try working on your sense of worth / self esteem / confidence in other ways so you are not so reliant on comments about your clothes or attractiveness?

I have to say if I was your boyfriend I would find your behaviour so off putting.

Mywingshurt · 09/06/2023 13:08

Going to go against the grain here.

When someone's behaviour seems to change so drastically towards you, it's completely natural to wonder "is it me?"

In this situation, no, it doesn't sound like it is you. But best thing you can do is support him through this stressful period. Maybe plan a date day where he can completely decompress and you can both enjoy time as a couple, see if the old him returns.

If things doing gradually improve as the work stress discipates then at that point, that's when you might want to consider having the conversation again.

whyisitalwayswindy · 09/06/2023 13:10

When I'm stressed with work it's all I can think about. My partner can be lovely and complimenting and caring but it must seem to him that I keep changing the subject as I'm like "yeah yeah and anyway this work thing...." so your description of your boyfriend is spot on to what I'm like.

Stop being so needy. He (probably) hasn't changed (unless there's some back story) it's that he is properly stressed and it's all he can think about. He's not deliberately changing the subject and avoiding being nice and complimentary, it's just that his brain is in fight or flight mode.

Stop harassing him as it's really unattractive. Be there for him, listen, offer support which could be in the way of a sandwich, a listening ear or some peace. Do your own thing and let him get through his work stress. If you keep pushing and pushing you'll push him away.

TUCKINGFYP0 · 09/06/2023 13:10

I think some of these comments are a little harsh. It sounds like the Op is looking for him to compliment her because

  1. he used to do that all the time
  2. she is insecure about other aspects of their relationship.

So it’s only natural ( for their relationship ) to try to get that back again.

Thoughtful2355 · 09/06/2023 13:13

Oh god you sound so clingy!! It's natural for these things to drift off he longer your together, as long as he still tells you he loves you but sounds like you have other issues here and not just your self esteem, sorry but it's not a him problem and your probably exhausting him

CantFindTheBeat · 09/06/2023 13:19

Blimey. You're getting a hard time on here, OP.

Your partner is stressed. That's not a reason for him to disengage with you completely,

You're used to him being affectionate, and commenting on clothes he likes you in, etc. of course you're going to find it a bit upsetting that he's stopped doing this.

Less sex, less affection, change in communication - who wouldn't feel a bit worried?

Pyewhacket · 09/06/2023 13:21

The harsh reality of it is that if your relationship is starting to run out of steam then there's not a lot you can do about it. Trying to force it just speeds up the process.

I'd put a time limit on it and if you're still unhappy then be prepared to move on.

MIBnightmare · 09/06/2023 13:23

OP : Am I being dramatic ?

Everyone. : Yes . Dramatic and needs and likely to push him away if you continue this constant need for complements ...

OP : .... BUT he changes the subject every time I ask for a compliment....

beccaskylar · 09/06/2023 13:24

mauricemossmylove · 09/06/2023 10:45

May I say what a smashing blouse you have on

😂😂😂 Oh Rik!

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 09/06/2023 13:27

You sound exhausting, conceited and controlling, sorry. I couldn't be bothered spending my time with someone who constantly expects compliments. Especially 'Do you like my top?' when he has said so in the past about that very top. Really? I dare say you probably don't stand and compliment him all day.

Inthebitterend · 09/06/2023 13:29

I don't really want to repeat what everyone else has said re: you being hard work.

On a different level - is he getting help with his sleep apnea? I had undiagnosed sleep apnea for over a year before I finally got help and got a CPAP machine. In that year I was absolutely not myself. I couldn't even sit and hold a conversation without dozing off. It's not just being tired, it's like bone-deep exhaustion. You feel shit 24/7 and never feel full of energy or properly rested. It's horrible. If he hasn't got help yet, encourage him to seek it. It'll make a huge difference to his daily life.