Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my boyfriend is going off me?

110 replies

popgoesthehedgehog · 09/06/2023 10:14

My boyfriend of a year has always been really affectionate, loving and very openly attracted to me.

Recently he’s been under a lot of stress, taking up a new role at work, squeezing everything alongside that and his other commitments. He doesn’t get much downtime. He also suffers from sleep apnea so is always tired.

We’ve always had sex frequently but recently becoming less so - we are always falling asleep by the evening and he’s way too tired in the morning and struggles to wake up.

He’s always complimented me for example if I’m getting changed in front of him he will go “ooh” or if I’m wearing a nice outfit he would comment. He hasn’t been doing that as much recently as he says he’s often distracted, busy or tired.

I have communicated this with him and he said “I’m so sorry, I am just so sidetracked and concentrating on other things, I really do think you’re so attractive and that hasn’t changed”. He also apologised as he doesn’t deal with stress very well.

Yesterday I got upset as I was wearing a really nice revealing top which I know he loves. We got halfway through the evening and he hadn’t said anything. I said “do you like the top?” And he said “yes of course, sorry I’m just concentrating on crossing the road”. I rolled my eyes and said there’s always an excuse, and asked more. He then said I’m “fishing” and I got really upset.

Same with this morning, wore a really nice blouse to work and he said nothing. So I asked him if I liked it and he said “yes”.

He’s now saying I “really need to let it happen naturally and stop asking/forcing it” and “you have got to be more understanding when I’m busy or have other things on my mind”. Also I have to trust him when he says he still thinks that of me.

Am I being dramatic here?

OP posts:
standardduck · 09/06/2023 17:14

Sorry OP, you sounds suffocating and insecure.

He told you he is going through a lot at work and is clearly exhausted, but you make it all about you and your looks.

To be honest, I would be put off by your behaviour if I was him.

If you continue like this, you might destroy your relationship. Give him a break.

ReachForTheMars · 09/06/2023 17:15

You've been together a while, do you expect him to list over you and validate you through your sexuality forever?

Contrary to the media, middle aged men and men in a settled relationship with nuduty and sex on tap, dont want to flirt, shag and touch you up all the time.

Daisydu · 09/06/2023 17:27

ReachForTheMars · 09/06/2023 17:15

You've been together a while, do you expect him to list over you and validate you through your sexuality forever?

Contrary to the media, middle aged men and men in a settled relationship with nuduty and sex on tap, dont want to flirt, shag and touch you up all the time.

well mine does 🤷🏻‍♀️ and if if that all of a sudden changed I’d question it too!

acpk55 · 09/06/2023 17:39

popgoesthehedgehog · 09/06/2023 10:44

It’s mainly because I feel like he’s changed. He’s gone from always complimenting me to me having to ask. And he said I’m “fishing” which just seemed really nasty for someone who couldn’t stop singing my praises before?

But it sounds like you are fishing for compliments, if he is going through a hard time, he probably needs to lean into the relationship and rely on you for a while

SchoolShenanigans · 09/06/2023 17:55

It sounds like you're too high maintenance for him. He probably doesn't want to have to prop up your confidence everyday when he is probably the one who needs a boost at the minute.

It sounds like you continually put your needs and feelings above his.

It also sounds like maybe you're right. Maybe your approach is turning him off, if you want the relationship to last, I'd ease off and relax. Surely you don't need him to complement your clothes constantly?

excelledyourself · 09/06/2023 18:07

popgoesthehedgehog · 09/06/2023 16:59

Just doesn’t seem himself that’s all

He's NOT feeling himself. He's told you that.

And randomly saying "I'm okay" on the phone call was clearly passive aggressive and an attempt to get a reaction.

You're really going to push him away.

monsteramunch · 09/06/2023 18:10

popgoesthehedgehog · 09/06/2023 16:59

Just doesn’t seem himself that’s all

And he's explained why he seems a bit out of sorts, as per your first post:

I have communicated this with him and he said “I’m so sorry, I am just so sidetracked and concentrating on other things, I really do think you’re so attractive and that hasn’t changed”. He also apologised as he doesn’t deal with stress very well.

He's literally told you that he isn't feeling himself.

BodegaSushi · 09/06/2023 18:12

popgoesthehedgehog · 09/06/2023 16:59

Just doesn’t seem himself that’s all

Maybe you're wearing him down 😬

SheSaidHummingbird · 09/06/2023 18:17

This can't be real

LadyH846 · 09/06/2023 18:20

I agree this is needy behaviour, OP. Can you give yourself the reassurance and validation you're craving from him? Tell yourself you look amazing 😁

Sunnyfeelgood · 09/06/2023 18:26

I think you are picking up on something and he is going off you.

But not because he doesn't like the way you look.

It is because you have turned from a girlfriend into a 'caring responsibility' and he is telling you he doesn't like that behaviour and you keep doing it. It isn't attractive.

You can deffo turn this back round. But to do that you need to listen to him when he says he doesn't like you being needy/ fishing for complimens/ being passive aggressive.

blalala34 · 09/06/2023 18:39

The point is you don't have to ask

Baystar · 09/06/2023 20:19

If this isn't a wind up then I'm amazed or are you like 12?
And who would actually say on seeing a photo, "you look delightful" 🤮

Original poster
popgoesthehedgehog · 10/06/2023 09:59

Fair enough

OP posts:
mulberrybag · 10/06/2023 10:15

He's not being himself - because he's having a hard time if it - really and honestly you need to find some empathy and stop demanding more from him! You sound incredibly and increasingly needy, why are you so wrapped up in him validating you ? You keep saying he's being different, but he's actually telling you why. Read up on stress and it's massive effects.
I totally get how he feels and there is nothing less attractive than a needy partner whilst you're at the end of your tether, total turn-off and a very lonely feeling for him I'd imagine

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/06/2023 10:23

Is he getting help for his sleep apnea?

Chickpea17 · 10/06/2023 10:31

Far too needy. Chill out for a bit

Original poster
popgoesthehedgehog · 10/06/2023 13:43

He is trying but near impossible to get a GP appt at his surgery atm

OP posts:
liveforsummer · 10/06/2023 13:58

Goodness, yes you send dramatic. There is only so many times someone can compliment the and top and you were fishing. He's being open and honest about feeling stressed which is good.

UndercoverCop · 10/06/2023 14:04

It's called a self fulfilling prophecy OP.
You think he's gone off you, you device to remedy that by being needy and passive aggressive, rather than supportive and giving him space. He will eventually go off you and then you'll think aha I knew it!
It's not a healthy way to live. You need to reflect on the impact of your own behaviour in your interactions, not just what he says or doesn't

Thebigblueballoon · 10/06/2023 14:07

OP, every post you’ve made in this thread comes across as very Me, Me, Me. You also put a disproportionate amount of thought into how much he compliments your physical appearance, and how he reacts to your compliments about his physical appearance.
He’s told you he’s feeling stressed and that work is getting him down. I’d argue him confiding in you and leaning on you about his feelings is far more meaningful than a parade of compliments about how sexy your top is. If you keep going on like this you’re going to find yourself without a boyfriend.

GBoucher · 10/06/2023 14:12

popgoesthehedgehog · 09/06/2023 10:44

It’s mainly because I feel like he’s changed. He’s gone from always complimenting me to me having to ask. And he said I’m “fishing” which just seemed really nasty for someone who couldn’t stop singing my praises before?

You are definitely fishing for compliments. Why do you feel the need to? If my husband was constantly asking me what I thought of what he was wearing and why I wasn't complimenting him, I'd go insane.

Aprilx · 10/06/2023 14:16

UndercoverCop · 10/06/2023 14:04

It's called a self fulfilling prophecy OP.
You think he's gone off you, you device to remedy that by being needy and passive aggressive, rather than supportive and giving him space. He will eventually go off you and then you'll think aha I knew it!
It's not a healthy way to live. You need to reflect on the impact of your own behaviour in your interactions, not just what he says or doesn't

Self fulfilling prophecy was the exact phrase that came into my mind too.

OP, he probably is going off you, the constant need and fishing, I would also call it fishing, for compliments on your personal appearance sounds exhausting and yes quite off putting.

mambojambodothetango · 10/06/2023 14:21

What they all said - plus: stop calling him at work every day! If he's busy and stressed that will be annoying and makes you seem needy. I'm wondering if this is even real, given how deaf you've been to everyones advice.

PlinkPlonkFizz · 10/06/2023 15:03

What off-putting behaviour to be constantly asking for compliments. I'm going to take a guess that your DF or DM said you looked lovely every single day, and you now expect that?

Swipe left for the next trending thread