To think new man should have told me he has performance issues

[QueenAnnesLeftSock]

i’d just like to start by saying that this isn’t about the performance issues, I will use the sex board for that. It’s about whether IaBU to be annoyed or disappointed that he didn’t tell me about it. I wanted to ask here first so I don’t dive in with both feet and make him feel worse than he prob already does.

background: I’m 38. A while ago I met a guy online, not through a dating site, more a friend of a friend type situ. He’s 38 and never been married nor as far as I can tell has he really had a very serious relationship. We started off chatting as part of a larger group and then it went to private emails and then phone calls. He is brilliant, a lovely man, and even though I was worried that the remote stuff wouldn’t be real it was all actually better when we met in person. So far so good right!

but the thing is we’d got very flirty before meeting, lots of chat about what we wanted to do, that sort of thing. Only when I stayed over for the first time, it just wasn’t happening. It’s been about 2 months now, we’ve spent the night together several times and he just can’t, there’s nothing happening down there at all. I haven’t said anything, I’ve just tried various things and then it’s just moved back to kissing and talking and we haven’t discussed it but it’s becoming a real elephant in the room.

So I don’t want to be but I can’t deny now I’m feeling a bit fed up, we’ve spent so many hours talking about everything under the sun and describing stuff in detail, and now I feel that he was maybe sitting there knowing all along that he wouldn’t be able to do it. I think I need to come to terms with how I feel about this before I tackle the topic with him so i don’t make it alllll about me, if that makes sense.

To summarize aIBU to be pissed off that for months i thought we were sharing our deepest secrets and sexy chat when he was keeping something hidden and must have known it was going to be difficult or impossible to do what was being described?

Any thoughts welcome 🙏

I think you are being faintly ridiculous to pin this on a bowel op, OP. 'Nerves being cut'. If it was as simple as that, he'd tell you

And he wouldn't pretend to wank/come during phone sex only to let you find out the truth when you met.

@DeliciouslyDecadent He very much could. He hopes OP will fall for him and then overlook the PIV bit.

I've known ones do that.

Or they hope that their amazing oral skills or whatever will mean a woman tolerates the lack of PIV.

If this was caused by nerve damage of any sort he would be quick to justify his limp d--k on his health issues/surgeries etc

I expect that's true, once he couldn't hide it anymore. They even give physical excuses that aren't really true.

I’ve been pretty clear - or I thought I had! - that I wasn’t looking for anyone to speculate though. The AIBU was about feeling cross/weird about him not telling me in advance, not about whether I AIBU to raise it with him, which I absolutely need to do. That seems unanimous so now I feel I can include my feelings about it in the conversation!

I don’t think there’s any prospect that he’s gay, although of course anyone can surprise you, we’ve got mutual friends and my mate has known him very well since he was a teen. He’s had a good number of girlfriends, just not what I would call a serious relationship, ie he’s never gotten close to marrying one of them. And he’s very clearly into what we’re doing, but something either physical or mental is going wrong with the main bit!

He very much could. He hopes OP will fall for him and then overlook the PIV bit. I've known ones do that

Really? @porridgeisbae

It's quite unusual to know one man who has a disability, caused by an injury, preventing him having erections, but you've know more than one.

The AIBU was about feeling cross/weird about him not telling me in advance, not about whether I AIBU to raise it with him

Have you considered that you might be the first person this has happened with?
Rather than regarding it as a long term issue which he was hiding from you.

Just because he's single at 38 and had relationships doesn't mean they were without sex. Unless you speak to his ex's you wont know.

I also don’t think I’d dismiss a bowel op as being ridiculous, honestly. If he has got something like ulcerative colitis or crones well I can see why you might find it difficult to want to tell a new partner about that (although of course you should and not should you feel you’ve got to hide it!). But I had a look online when that occurred to me and the stats for ED and IBD are really saddening.

I’ll report back in a couple of weeks when we’ve had the conversation!

Reflexology can really help him with this, honestly. Never used to really know what reflexology was until I needed regular periods and then I learned so much, youtube has loads of info

Maybe we are talking at cross purposes @QueenAnnesLeftSock

I thought you said you wondered if he'd had a bowel operation that had affected the nerves to his penis?

Not just a bowel condition that he's embarrassed about.

There are men who are simply asexual. They can go as far as foreplay and even oral, but they don't want PIV sex. Some are gay, some are bi, some are just not into sex.

But it's really odd not to get an erection when he's giving you oral sex! Something's not right. (my money is on a closet gay.)

Hope you get to the bottom of it.

He definitely had an operation, yes. The first couple of times he got hard and then lost it. After that, nothing. The op was a few years ago, and I know he still sees a doc but I don’t know why as yet. It’s the one thing we’ve never discussed, as I’ve been trying to respect his privacy but now it’s getting yo the point where I have to say something!

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I’ll see where I can get to. I don’t want to say goodbye but concealing a genuine health issue for so long would be a dealbreaker.

@Delectable Yep! Known a few- some others where it was psychological instead. I try not to take it personally.

Don't know if it's because my dad was a bit of a lame duck so I subconsciously attract similar men.

Sorry that was for @DeliciouslyDecadent .

I thought you said you wondered if he'd had a bowel operation that had affected the nerves to his penis?

I don't see that as so unbelievable. The prostate is up there. 'Surgery to the bowel or back passage (rectum) can affect the nerves to the sex organs' https://www.cancerresearchuk.org/about-cancer/bowel-cancer/living-with/sex-life

YANBU. This actually infuriates me.

I am Totally with you.
besides penis in vagina is soooooo boring and unimaginative and really mostly for the man. Such a low percentage of women orgasm that way

Because she can't control him, she can only control herself. He's clearly not going to bring it up. If she wants to continue the relationship with him either she has to bring it up or she has to continue to ignore it. If she doesn't want to bring it up, she can dump him.

If it was something obvious, like the side effects of an operation @porridgeisbae and @QueenAnnesLeftSock and he knew this was a permanent outcome, then he should have said so the minute you first got into bed.

(There are devices that can often help this, if that is the issue.)

But as you now tell us he did get hard then lost it, that doesn't seem to be the case because that would /should have made it easier for him to start the conversation.

But the fact that he hasn't, makes me pretty sure it's a psychological issue .I suspect he starts things with you, hoping each time he will be okay but it's not happening.

TBH I'd have had the conversation by Date 3, if this had happened by then.

I don’t think there’s any prospect that he’s gay, although of course anyone can surprise you, we’ve got mutual friends and my mate has known him very well since he was a teen. He’s had a good number of girlfriends, just not what I would call a serious relationship, ie he’s never gotten close to marrying one of them. And he’s very clearly into what we’re doing, but something either physical or mental is going wrong with the main bit!

It does sound to me like he has some kind of combination of physical and emotional issue going on. But, lots of girlfriends and no serious relationship might actually indicate someone who is gay rather than the reverse. It's looking for something you can't find, and that would ring alarm bells with me. There is still even now, so much pressure to be straight that he could be dating women but actually be gay.

@QueenAnnesLeftSock If he'd had surgery, there surely would be a scar.

Bowel and stomach ops usually need an abdominal cut. Have you noticed anything like this?

So he's got hard before, and you've seen it?

So more likely psychological, rather than Physical inability to become erect.

Women are not rehab centres for broken men.

He knows PIV is important in most heterosexual relationships.

He has a problem.

Even if the first time it happened was with you, the problem is still on his side.

His responsibility to bring it up. He hasn't done that.

His responsibility to come up with a plan of action. He hasn't done that.

If it was a longstanding issue, then it's his responsibility to have done therapy or whatever before starting a relationship with you, plus putting his cards on the table after the first time at the very latest. Generously allowing that he might have thought 'this time will be different because I've done all that therapy.'

My friends ex husband had this problem. He could only ejaculate hy his own hand. His first serious relationship after divorce ended because of this, but he's now in a new relationship. Maybe you could explore what works for him, perhaps he has been to embarrassed to say.

Ah ok if he can get hard sometimes then most likely it's not primarily physical. In which case it can be a red flag for other mental health issues.

Yes I was trying to be careful how I asked so the perverts didn't find it on search 😂😂

Op, I believe you’re slowly starting to find out why he’s never been in a serious LTR and all his relation fizzle out at the beginning.

@DeliciouslyDecadent absolutely, it’s a massive scar and it looks very like the stoma scars that you see on people who’ve had an ostomy reversed. He was shy about showing it to me and never likes taking his shirt off even though he’s in great shape. It was clearly a really shit time for him, which is why I haven’t pushed asking about it, but it’s past the stage now where I should have done. That’s why I’ve been softly softly with it.

(oh god everything sounds a bit like a euphemism doesn’t it 🙈)

BU?

and allblack said:
"I learnt to be unkind because of "nice" men that have tried to make me believe I'm lacking if they have an issue of any sort."
Forgive me if missed something but not aware that the bloke in this case is doing that. So very much a case of someone exercising/exorcising their past personal experience of different people.

On the OP's original and seems to me genuine question, no I don't think that the bloke can be blamed for not mentioning what appears to be a somewhat pre-existing issue. Seems to me a bit of simple old-fashioned empathy would come to this conclusion.

Otherwise I could really slag off some women for not mentioning certain things to me. But won't.

He was most likely "being optimistic" trying not to talk himself down.

But yes he does now really need to sit down and have a serious talk with OP, assuming OP is empathetic, which she seems to be.

Time to be honest.

As for some of the other comments on this thread, even a tenth of some of them if applied to women would bring charges of rank misogony.

It does 🤣

Just be direct.

When we're together, and we both seem to be enjoying it, obviously you're not xxxxxx. That feels like a conversation we should be having.