To think new man should have told me he has performance issues

[QueenAnnesLeftSock]

i’d just like to start by saying that this isn’t about the performance issues, I will use the sex board for that. It’s about whether IaBU to be annoyed or disappointed that he didn’t tell me about it. I wanted to ask here first so I don’t dive in with both feet and make him feel worse than he prob already does.

background: I’m 38. A while ago I met a guy online, not through a dating site, more a friend of a friend type situ. He’s 38 and never been married nor as far as I can tell has he really had a very serious relationship. We started off chatting as part of a larger group and then it went to private emails and then phone calls. He is brilliant, a lovely man, and even though I was worried that the remote stuff wouldn’t be real it was all actually better when we met in person. So far so good right!

but the thing is we’d got very flirty before meeting, lots of chat about what we wanted to do, that sort of thing. Only when I stayed over for the first time, it just wasn’t happening. It’s been about 2 months now, we’ve spent the night together several times and he just can’t, there’s nothing happening down there at all. I haven’t said anything, I’ve just tried various things and then it’s just moved back to kissing and talking and we haven’t discussed it but it’s becoming a real elephant in the room.

So I don’t want to be but I can’t deny now I’m feeling a bit fed up, we’ve spent so many hours talking about everything under the sun and describing stuff in detail, and now I feel that he was maybe sitting there knowing all along that he wouldn’t be able to do it. I think I need to come to terms with how I feel about this before I tackle the topic with him so i don’t make it alllll about me, if that makes sense.

To summarize aIBU to be pissed off that for months i thought we were sharing our deepest secrets and sexy chat when he was keeping something hidden and must have known it was going to be difficult or impossible to do what was being described?

Any thoughts welcome 🙏

I'd give him a chance to get some help. My partner had some psychological stuff that got in the way for us for a while but he sought and got help, and our sex life is excellent now. It can be devastating for a guy to experience and also hard for them to get help because they tonnes of pressure on being good in bed. Not saying it's for you to sort out OP, just that if he's willing to get help it may be worth sticking around a little longer.

My DP has issues following a very serious incident. There are good sources of treatment and therapy via a regional rehabilitation centre.

A lot of the men there are veterans and say they don't post about it online because it attracts kinksters and nutters but they do meet up. They know that not talking about it is not an option. It's no-one's 'fault'. It is what it is, and it's surpassable.

Entering into a new relationship without discussing it though ... no.

Now I feel like I should have known it was all a bit too good to be true

Not at all, OP; this is something which happens to most men occasionally (and sometimes, sadly, all the time) but there aren't that many in his age group where it seems to be a major ongoing problem

As a PP said it might have been better if he'd got medical advice before starting a relationship, but then again we can't know that he hasn't.
Anyway while you're quite right that it's a shame, the underlying point is that nobody's owed a relationship and you can end one for any reason or none.
I'm sure you'll be decent about it and avoid hurting his feelings as much as you can, but if this is (understandably) a dealbreaker for you I'm not sure you have any other realistic choice

I would prepare for him to react badly - even finish with you due to embarrassment - but if he’s worth having in every other area then surely it’s worth trying to talk to him before giving up ?
Just say something alone the lines of “ you must know by now l really like you so can we talk about something that might feel awkward ?” Or “it’s funny that this is going so well except in one area ..are you ok to talk about that because l really feel ready to ? “

From experience, it becomes a big issue over time. Sexual satisfaction is a big need for most people in a relationship no matter how much you want to pretend it doesn't.

Firstly though, you need to communicate about it. If that is impossible your relationship has no future anyhow.

He's an 'ATANA'.

All Talk And No Action.

Yep, it's deceit. Yep, he thought you would fall for him and sex wouldn't matter.

I've been through it before. Horrible and embarrassing. I couldn't stay with someone like that. Next, he'll be calling you a nymph all because you want your needs met.

Those women who say sex doesn't matter are having shit sex, or have a low sex drive, or aren't sexually attracted to their partner.

It bloody well SHOULD matter to any normal couple!

Heavens what have I read. Why bother? Presumably because the OP likes him and wants to share an emotionally and physically intimate relationship. This means that he may not be perfect and she can work through challenges with him.

If a women didn't realise that she has significant vaginismus until penetrative sex with a man, then I would be horrified if a man said said, why bother. If you haven't solved it on your own then I'm not hanging around to see if it gets better. Why should I invest my time into this id you can't give me good sex.

I think most people would be horrified. Relationship are worth more than sex and a good man may have many other redeeming qualities that makes it worth working through this with him. We don't know that he can't be bothered solving this problem as he may have experienced this for the first time with the OP. I'd that's the case then he may yet be interested in solving this.

Apparently the number of women with vaginismus is very high. I hope that you would have a kinder attitude toward them.

Personally I’d try and talk to him about it once. If he’s willing to communicate about the issues and if he’s open to making a plan for going forward I’d be inclined to give him a chance. If he’s closed off, won’t admit there’s a problem, gets defensive or tries to blame you then I’d be out.

There’s nothing wrong with you for feeling deflated about it. Sex is important in a relationship. I’ve learnt that better than anyone! My dp has severe erectile dysfunction and it’s soul destroying. I’m constantly trying to resist the urge to bicker with him and my confidence and self esteem are at an all time low. He’s going to try viagra for the first time next week and I know in my heart if it doesn’t work I’m going to have to end it.

If I knew it was going to end up like this two months in I would have ran… then ran some more! My advice is give him the benefit of the doubt once and if that doesn’t work go find someone who can shag your brains out!

I had a similar experience. My chap was sexually experienced, but hadn’t had sex in a long time as his ex had completely lost interest years before they split. Like you, we had exchanged loads of sexy messages, and when we met sparks flew. However, he just couldn’t get it up. We spent all time in bed just mucking about and talking and laughing. Eventually it just happened naturally and we never looked back. I’d advise giving him a chance, but keep it lighthearted.

It's the dishonesty/open lie of his sexy-flirty talk that would turn me off.
If he's said from the beginning "I'm looking for platonic friendship" then that would have been fair and above board.

💐 to everyone going through something similar with much longer term partners

I wonder if things are bit more complicated because we have mutual friends and it just sort of went from normal conversation to chatting to flirting. He might be worrying I’ll tell people who know him to add to the pressure maybe

my deep down gut instinct is telling me he’s shied away from relationships for a long time because the operation he had and/or a health condition has caused a physical issue (for all he says he’s better now than he’s ever been). And the flirting got to a place where he then felt he couldn’t stop. That’s my best guess and reading here where people have had something similar has perhaps solidified my view.

I think it must be very tough to be a man suffering from impotence or a woman suffering from vaginisimus and I certainly wouldn’t see it as a reason for ending it immediately anyway. But it might well be different if they concealed it and so now I’ve got two issues to tackle with him!

Whatever you do and however you do it, I don't know why I have a strong feeling that all his other really good points (kindness, thoughfulness, asking how your day was) which you feel are perfect (and clearly on overdrive!) are an act and it is not real. I hope I am wrong.

Meaning, if you focus too much on his good points and they disappear when he thinks he has got you (sadly it can happen) you will be left having nothing- no sex life that you want and no kind, thoughtful man you thought you got on well.

Good luck OP

I might be in the minority, but if you plan this as an after dinner chat or whatever, it will all go wrong. Best to let him relax, do your things that you do to each other and while everyone is totally relaxed and 'done' and still in bed, start talking about it gently- start will complimenting that it was good or fun and then gently move it to discussing his erection. You are likely to get the truth that way, unless you otherwise want to be lied to.

And, if you are really really patient, remove it off the table for a while (this might work, outdo you have the patience to try it out?) and just focus on what you both enjoy. Maybe after a few more months check if it persists. Some men struggle to perform when put under pressure to perform 'even in normal circumstances let alone in this case where there clearly is a major issue'.

Good luck. It must be upsetting for you.

Best ONS I ever had, the guy couldn't get it up. He was very creative in compensating for it. My point being, amazing sex doesn't have to mean penis in vagina.

With my history of honeymoon cystitis and complete vaginal inorgasmia, I don't want sex to mean penis in vagina because I don't get anything from it and it puts me on antibiotics no matter how much water I drink and how often I pee afterwards. Hence my earlier comment about wishing I could find a man like that.

The op doesn't "need" to do a damn thing. This is his problem, he needs to deal with it, which he is not, and that's why the op should dump him. It's amazing how much responsibility some people think a woman should burden herself with, even in a "relationship" that's been on for all of five minutes.

my deep down gut instinct is telling me he’s shied away from relationships for a long time because the operation he had and/or a health condition has caused a physical issue

Or maybe he is gay?

There have been many of these threads on MN over the years and in some instances the man was gay but in denial.

You're also (slightly different issue) that he was hiding something. Maybe he's never had this issue before and it's new? You don't know, do you?

Maybe you're just not a good fit together? I don't mean that unkindly, but more along the lines he's into you as a friend and not a lover. But doesn't want to hurt you.

All kinds of reasons are possible.

my deep down gut instinct is telling me he’s shied away from relationships for a long time because the operation he had and/or a health condition has caused a physical issue (for all he says he’s better now than he’s ever been). And the flirting got to a place where he then felt he couldn’t stop. That’s my best guess and reading here where people have had something similar has perhaps solidified my view.

Given the state of the NHS in this area of medicine, OP, he'd be best placed to get his GP to put him on waiting lists asap esp to see a vascular specialist. That's something I'd encourage in a friend if I knew that this was an area they were concerned about.

But for a new partner, who's not expressing any concern?

That's pushing it a bit. It's not your responsibility. He should be talking about it, if it remotely matters to him.

But without the sex a good man is just a friend, no?

Nah. You used an awful lot of words just to basically say be kind. They've been at it 2 months. I've food in the fridge older than this non relationship. There's an abundance of cock out there. This one doesn't work. Chuck it back. Women are not mens support humans.

I would be surprised if it is his heart, although it’s absolutely right that ED can be an indicator, but his job requires annual health checks for that sort of thing.

But I think the op might have been for bowel issues and I am wondering if some important nerves around that area got damaged maybe. I’ll find out soon enough, now I am very reassured by this thread that I won’t be merailing his issue if I say, but why didn’t you tell me this before?

Christ no! Do not ask over text! This the kind of thing you do in person so tone etc is not misconstrued.

OP your feelings are your feelings, but just pause for a minute and ask yourself what’s under that feeling of being pissed off? Are you hurt/rejected/scared? Now consider he might be feeling the same…

In all other respects this guy is apparently lovely so maybe give him the benefit of the doubt and chat to him about this before binning him.

My point being, amazing sex doesn't have to mean penis in vagina.

For me, sex is all about the PIV. I actually dislike receiving oral. I'm aware that other women are the opposite though.

Everyone's different in what they want and lack of PIV would be a real loss for me in a relationship.

OP your feelings are your feelings, but just pause for a minute and ask yourself what’s under that feeling of being pissed off? Are you hurt/rejected/scared?

Maybe anger at having been deceived. And disappointment. That's what I would feel.

Now consider he might be feeling the same…

Well, he wouldn't feel anger at being deceived, cos OP didn't mislead him. And he wouldn't feel the same type of disappointment because OP didn't 'promise' something she can't deliver.

Those saying he could've saught help before dating someone new make a good point.

I think you are being faintly ridiculous to pin this on a bowel op, OP. 'Nerves being cut'.

If it was as simple as that, he'd tell you. Because clearly he can't maintain a sexual relationship if he has a physical disability. (And if he has, there are devices to help that.)

And he wouldn't pretend to wank/come during phone sex only to let you find out the truth when you met.

You've not even acknowledged he could be gay (maybe you've not read all the posts here.)

Many men who are gay are terribly kind, great friends with women, but...gay.

Or he's a virgin and has hang up over sex that could be for anyone of a number of reasons.

Just talk to him straight.

"I'm really fond of you and we have a great time BUT what's going on with the sex- or the lack of sex? Can you share why you don't get an erection even when we are being intimate?"

Sounds like you're justifying his lack of performance with all sorts of stories that you're telling yourself to make yourself feel better, he on the other hand has said nothing, which makes me think that this is not a physical issue or due to any health problem but more to a mental one. If this was caused by nerve damage of any sort he would be quick to justify his limp d--k on his health issues/surgeries etc... He's not. Why don't you have a conversation with him an ask directly? here on MN we can only speculate. He has the answer, not us.