To think new man should have told me he has performance issues

[QueenAnnesLeftSock]

i’d just like to start by saying that this isn’t about the performance issues, I will use the sex board for that. It’s about whether IaBU to be annoyed or disappointed that he didn’t tell me about it. I wanted to ask here first so I don’t dive in with both feet and make him feel worse than he prob already does.

background: I’m 38. A while ago I met a guy online, not through a dating site, more a friend of a friend type situ. He’s 38 and never been married nor as far as I can tell has he really had a very serious relationship. We started off chatting as part of a larger group and then it went to private emails and then phone calls. He is brilliant, a lovely man, and even though I was worried that the remote stuff wouldn’t be real it was all actually better when we met in person. So far so good right!

but the thing is we’d got very flirty before meeting, lots of chat about what we wanted to do, that sort of thing. Only when I stayed over for the first time, it just wasn’t happening. It’s been about 2 months now, we’ve spent the night together several times and he just can’t, there’s nothing happening down there at all. I haven’t said anything, I’ve just tried various things and then it’s just moved back to kissing and talking and we haven’t discussed it but it’s becoming a real elephant in the room.

So I don’t want to be but I can’t deny now I’m feeling a bit fed up, we’ve spent so many hours talking about everything under the sun and describing stuff in detail, and now I feel that he was maybe sitting there knowing all along that he wouldn’t be able to do it. I think I need to come to terms with how I feel about this before I tackle the topic with him so i don’t make it alllll about me, if that makes sense.

To summarize aIBU to be pissed off that for months i thought we were sharing our deepest secrets and sexy chat when he was keeping something hidden and must have known it was going to be difficult or impossible to do what was being described?

Any thoughts welcome 🙏

@QueenAnnesLeftSock
apologies if missed something (long thread with some diversions).
I think you said he'd never had a "serious relationship".
Not necessarily too unusual - had a thing once with a woman who was in mid 30s and never had a serious relationship.
But has he had a sexual relationship?
apologies again if have missed something,

@pendleflyer yep, he did the usual prolific student thing as I understand it from stories he’s told me then had several relationships in his 20’s, but just nothing really approaching getting married serious.

OK - that's good if he is being honest.
Get him, gently, to talk about it these things in past.
He owes you a good talk for sure.

By the by

you sound like a nice straight person on a serious mission.
and I personally (realise I'm risking being flamed) I would ignore some of the knee-jerk "dump him now" responses on here.
It is a bit of a Mnet minor tradition - has been noted by many women on here. Curious thing indeed.

oh - the point you made above about him possibly being worried that folk you mutually know learning about the difficulties might be inhibiting him - always possible. I was a late starter (or thought I was) and this did trouble me in some cases when younger.

Alternatively, it is regrettably possible that he's not that into you personally and got carried away with the sex chat. This also you need to figure out.

Anyways, you sound like a nice person, and have no reason to think he isn't either on available evidence.

all the best

YANBU. I’ve been there ( more than once!) and, believe me, it doesn’t get better. Sad as it may make you, I’d advise you to end it gently and kindly. If not, you will probably end up despising him which would be awful for him and you.

Rally? He needs an older woman. I’m fed up of the whole rutting malarkey - got my DC and do ‘it’ out if a sense of duty now. Would much prefer a kiss, cuddle and a glass of wine in front of TV. If my other half ever goes, I’ll msg for his number.

I had a relationship with a ED denier. In fact he blamed me! Told me several times about the wild sex with ex partners etc.
He was a gas lighting violent fuckwit.
His ED was fuck all to do with me, AFTER we split he went to the Dr's, tests showed a blocked artery 🙄 unsurprised really, his diet and lifestyle were terrible.
@QueenAnnesLeftSock I hope you get the outcome you're looking for 🌺

Definitely raise it as gently as possible - over message may be best.

Agree with the suggestion you say you really want to take things further, is there anything you can do to help that happen. If he ignores this or makes you feel uncomfortable in his response, then I would not pursue a relationship with him.

Hi I'm not saying he is but I had similar and he turned out only to be aroused by sexual assault... so just a think to be aware of

You seem nice.

Been married 37 yrs, 'not done the deed' for the last 20, no idea how we have 2 biological children.
If it wasn't for the kids I'm sure I would have looked for 'greener grass long ago.
I have a friend in the same situation , they are now separating.

When you say running and clean eating it reminds me of someone I was seeing briefly. With the same issue. Does he have Asian background maybe? Long shot I know… 😬

Have you asked him what his pronouns are? These days with all this binary stuff going on, it's so hard to tell. It's not the Seventies when people just used to shag... everything seems so complicated now. Maybe he's waiting to receive explicit consent and something in writing?

He is most like really embarrassed about it.
You need to discuss it now though, try and be nice about it, must be awful for him. Maybe leave the bit out about you being fed up 😂 definitely needs to be addressed though

Sex doesn't hand to be about penis penetration. Fingers, tongue, sex toys etc are just as satisfying if it's a physical reason his body isn't working. The issue will be if it's a mental reason, such as fear of intimacy or similar. You'll never know this without talking to him. If he's as great otherwise as you say, you at least owe him that much surely?

It is really disappointing OP. For sure.

If you like him though, I think it worth gently addressing. Perhaps when you’re both sat having dinner / cuddling on the sofa (not before or after attempted sex) you could ask him kindly what’s going on. He is probably embarrassed. Hopefully he is willing to talk about it and resolve it and you guys can move on together. If he isn’t willing or open to listening then that becomes a red flag.

TBH @QueenAnnesLeftSock I'd start with the surgery and his scar.

If it's a massive scar and really obvious, surely that is a talking point in itself?

I'm surprised you can both be so intimate yet not know something like this- what the op was for etc.

You sound lovely yourself, but also a bit passive as if you are waiting for him to start a conversation. Why don't you?

It takes two to have a conversation and it doesn't have to be him to start.

There may be some downsides to the op that are nothing to do with his erections, but maybe breaking wind, being slightly incontinent, who knows!

Something is going on so start with the scar, surgery and see what he says.

I ended a relationship like this 6 months ago and I lasted 6 months in the relationship. Only after 4 months did he admit that the real reason why he couldn't, was because of a medication he had to take daily. It messed with my head not knowing what was causing it for ages and I also ocassionally thought it was perhaps because he wasn't attracted to me enough. Once he finally admitted the reason, I felt so angry and upset because he should have been up front with me that it was never going to happen. Trust me, this will mess with your head. If he was a long term partner you'd support him through it. He's a new partner and bottom line is you may never have penetrative sex again if you choose to stay, unless he gets viagra. Rip the plaster off and end it if he won't.

I had an experience similar a long long time ago. The in denial bit. When I tried to talk he turned on me. It was a bit scary. I would end it
. It should be his job to bring it up, forgive the pun, not yours

When you say running and clean eating it reminds me of someone I was seeing briefly. With the same issue.

@BajaBaja I guess it can sometimes mean someone is uptight and trying to control something in themselves. I mean 'clean eating' is a problematic, orthorexic term. No food is dirty unless it's gone off or fell in a cow pat or something.

Sex doesn't hand to be about penis penetration. Fingers, tongue, sex toys etc are just as satisfying

@Tessabelle74 For some women, not for others.

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And that's why he's never been married or in a serious relationship. I'd bin him.

You seem nice.

@pam290358 He does sound like a potential lame duck. Women don't have to put up with that and play nursey or try and be some sort of unpaid CPN/therapist.

Exactly same as Dragonfly677 above.

I'm not suggesting being a nursey 🙄 I'm saying that maybe he's a "lame duck" because no one has ACTUALLY asked him what the issue is. Some medication or medical conditions cause impotence. My mum has been married to her husband for nearly 20 years and never had penis penetration due to the heart medication my lovely step dad takes, they have a wonderful, loving marriage without it, it's entirely possible. But OP will never know if she'll be happy without penetration if she doesn't know what the cause is.

@Tessabelle74 I was replying to Pam with that bit. x

But OP will never know if she'll be happy without penetration if she doesn't know what the cause is

Of course someone can know they're not happy with sex without PIV, purely by them not being happy with sex without PIV. (apart from occasional times where a couple might just do other stuff.)

I did try all sorts of things with impotent exes and the best for me was a vibrating hollow strap on (available on LoveHoney etc) but it's still not the same.

There's something about a man that can do it versus one that can't.

Just suggest he takes viagra then he might be able to perform. Otherwise gently say you’ll have to stop dating him as you want a physical relationship. Just do it via text though or over phone and don’t let him give you false promises.

Ps I fine men very disappointing now as most of them don’t come. I wonder if it’s my level of attractiveness or their just too busy wanking to porn all the time that a women doesn’t please them… who knows.