To think new man should have told me he has performance issues

[QueenAnnesLeftSock]

i’d just like to start by saying that this isn’t about the performance issues, I will use the sex board for that. It’s about whether IaBU to be annoyed or disappointed that he didn’t tell me about it. I wanted to ask here first so I don’t dive in with both feet and make him feel worse than he prob already does.

background: I’m 38. A while ago I met a guy online, not through a dating site, more a friend of a friend type situ. He’s 38 and never been married nor as far as I can tell has he really had a very serious relationship. We started off chatting as part of a larger group and then it went to private emails and then phone calls. He is brilliant, a lovely man, and even though I was worried that the remote stuff wouldn’t be real it was all actually better when we met in person. So far so good right!

but the thing is we’d got very flirty before meeting, lots of chat about what we wanted to do, that sort of thing. Only when I stayed over for the first time, it just wasn’t happening. It’s been about 2 months now, we’ve spent the night together several times and he just can’t, there’s nothing happening down there at all. I haven’t said anything, I’ve just tried various things and then it’s just moved back to kissing and talking and we haven’t discussed it but it’s becoming a real elephant in the room.

So I don’t want to be but I can’t deny now I’m feeling a bit fed up, we’ve spent so many hours talking about everything under the sun and describing stuff in detail, and now I feel that he was maybe sitting there knowing all along that he wouldn’t be able to do it. I think I need to come to terms with how I feel about this before I tackle the topic with him so i don’t make it alllll about me, if that makes sense.

To summarize aIBU to be pissed off that for months i thought we were sharing our deepest secrets and sexy chat when he was keeping something hidden and must have known it was going to be difficult or impossible to do what was being described?

Any thoughts welcome 🙏

The first 18 months are meant to be wonderful. 2 months in and this?

And dating is a time to weed out wronguns. He's willing to lie to you for his own convenience. That's his character. Block and delete. You don't need to 'continue to be just friends.' He's shown you his character.

If he had openly said, 'look, here's the issue.' it could have been worked around.
But he chose deception and manipulation.

Yes, yes, he's wonderful. Funnily enough, people can pretend to be wonderful.
And you're long distance, so even easier.

You: My favourite author is Evelyn Waugh.
Him: Wow! Me too. (Furiously googling) Brideshead Revisited is my favourite! Whelp, early night tomorrow, goodnight!

He goes off and watches Brideshead Revisited. You are left thinking, wow! What a connection I've never met someone with the same favourite author! Rinse and repeat.

YNBU OP, he should've been straight with you and instead of keeping his head in the sand, he should've just got hold of some viagra (if he's alright to take it) so you couid both have a nice time. Good luck going forward OP!

YANBU or selfish OP, but you do need to get some more information from him. Ask if he ever gets nocturnal erections or if he can stimulate himself to erection. If either of those is true, there's no major medical challenge here.

If he can't get an erection under any circumstances, he needs to see a doctor, preferably a urologist. He should also have his testosterone levels checked. ED can also be a sign of Atherosclerosis.

I don't think you were owed the information until the point where you were planning to sleep together tbh. After all, either of you could have finished it for any reason before that

Did you read the OP? they HAVE tried to have sex, a few times, and he couldnt do it and then acted like the issue didnt exist and has said nothing about it. Its ridiculous for him to act like this is no big deal. You're crazy if you think a man would hang around if the situation was reversed.

Why is this her job?

She's been dating him long distance for a couple of months.

This thread is really shocking me in the level of helpmeet role some women think is normal to perform in a new relationship

If he wants the relationship to continue, he needs to deal with the issue.

All these 'raise it' innuendos...

I think you're being primed to accept this as the norm for your relationship OP. You say that in all other ways he's a lovely guy, but bear in mind you're only two months in so he will be on his best behaviour right now. The misleading you with the sex talk and now blithely carrying on as if all is ok is not 'nice guy' to my mind.

Yes it's sex and it's a sensitive issue, but in any other aspect of a new relationship words and actions not matching up this early on would be a red flag. Clearly there's a problem, he knows there's a problem and, in my opinion, is gaslighting you by acting as if there's isn't.

I'd give him a chance and raise it and see what he says. If he in anyway tries to turns it back on you or doesn't want to address the issue then that'd be it for me.

so you are bringing past issues of your own to bear/achieving personal payback when advising the OP? Doesn't sound too healthy to me. Or helpful. How many others are similarly motivated on relationship threads I cannot help but ask.

I’d be inclined to ditch him but I wouldn’t do it without talking to him first to see what the issue is.

This really. And not because I somehow want to help out the poor little man but because I wouldn't want to end something otherwise good unless I had talked about it first. It can be difficult to know when to talk about something like this, but if he's fine to have phone sex, then he can talk about his ED. So at a point when you're not being intimate, just say you want to talk about it and go from there. I think if you go into the conversation prepared to end the relationship, you'll be able to be more open because you won't be thinking 'oh, mustn't offend him in case he thinks I'm dumping him' or similar.

You are BU

Everybody brings their past issues when giving advice. That's the point.

And I completely agree. Women being socialised to 'be nice' leads to them suffering in the end. Better to nip things in the bud and be called a bitch.

You need to bring the subject up, he’ll probably thank you for doing so. If you really like him and want to invest in this relationship just explain that you’ll support him all the way but he must get help, in the first instance by seeing his GP to rule out any underlying issues or even psychological ones. It could be an easy issue to solve.

Not read all the posts but could he be gay and in denial?

With men like him, it's either a physical/ purely mechanical issue that needs medical help (Viagra or similar)

or , it's emotional and needs therapy if he has some hang ups.

I mean, does he get turned on with you? Is the kissing passionate or half-baked?

Does he get an erection at all?

he is very keen to please and he visibly enjoys being touched, it just doesn’t actually do anything and therefore he doesn’t get the same obvious pleasure that I do.

Curious- so although he 'visibly enjoys' being touched, his willy isn't joining in. Is that what you mean?

Sorry but my money is on him being gay and in the closet, or with some health issue which means he can't.

You need to ask him.

Depends if you think he’s someone you can see something longer term with, or if really it’s just for short term sex.

If it’s just about sex and it’s not happening, then it’s probably worth ending it.

If you think that if the sex thing can be sorted, he’s someone you’d like to spend more time with and can see something longer term, it’s definitely worth talking about with him.

This has gone beyond a one meet-up thing. Personally, I think that if you’re prepared to be intimate and talk about the details of sex you’d like to have, having the conversation about it not actually happening should be happening and should have happened already. Yes, he should have been talking about it, but so should you OP. Lots of good opportunities are wasted because people don’t or won’t communicate…it’s a real shame if there’s potential there.

Yes, it’s an awkward conversation. It s worth it if you think there could be something between you. If you just want to have sex and it doesn’t really matter with who, then this barrier seems quite significant, especially if you are finding it difficult to raise the issue.

I expect it won’t be a popular view, but I personally think that if you’re prepared to ‘talk sex’ and have sex, you also need to be prepared to talk about what is and isn’t happening and communicate about it, if you’re looking at anything beyond one-night hook ups.

This thing of blame isn’t worth it. You both have to talk about it, even though it’s tricky. The question is whether you’re prepared to push yourself to do that in the hope there’s something good to come out of it, or don’t want to bother and just move on.

you have probably hit the nail on the head, with the rejection comment, just look at the number of posters who said bin him without a second’s thought

I would imagine that the discussion needs to be around what is he going to do about it, (Dr , pills, urologist, pumps) etc and which any if any of these you are okay with

Why can't I find one like that?

I agree with @WombatChocolate

You're asking if it's unreasonable that he hasn't owned up to his problem, but really it's your problem too (and you're avoiding mentioning it.)

It's actually hard to understand how you can have oral sex with someone (as the receiver) yet not find the other person is turned on by it, but not question it.

Have you considered he might be thinking 'Why the heck has @QueenAnnesLeftSock not said anything to me?'

If there have been many intimate occasions, yet he's never aroused, why on earth is this not being discussed?

He's possibly unreasonable not to mention it (maybe he's ever-hopeful he will rise to the occasion?) but you are equally unreasonable for getting into bed with him time after time, expecting something different.

You know- definition of madness- 'doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different outcome'.

Talk to him!

I don't need to any more, I met an actually nice guy that ticks all of my boxes and is always upfront with me.
Honesty. People should try it.
She's in a new relationship, she should be having the time of her life. It WON'T get better.

He obviously can't get it up. That isn't going to change without medical help.

Which surely he should have sought before starting anything romantically.

This is absolutely a deal breaker, unless you're just looking for a friend. He should have told you and he should be seeking help.

Personally, I would just friendzone him and move on. He'd being disingenuous.

Any decent person would explain, however embarrassing it is, that sex isn't an option now. Instead he's led you up the garden path.

At the risk of stating the obvious, you cannot pin any real hopes on a relationship with someone who you've not yet met in person. You just don't know how well you'll get on in practice.

Anyway, what OP has described is really odd. If this is someone who'd portrayed themselves as, say, 'looking for friendship, maybe more' then something of that sort, that'd be one thing, and maybe that's a relationship that could work on a largely platonic, perhaps non-exclusive level, but spending a lot of time sexting or whatever despite being, by the sound of things, more or less dead from the waist down, just screams 'time waster'.

Please update the thread when you find out OP 😂

Depends on how much you like him & whether or not he's willing to discuss it & try to do something about it. It's only been 2 months, he could be very embarrassed about it. It sounds a bit callous & harsh to just say ditch him if everything else is good. If you want an intimate relationship with each other then you should be able to discuss this.

It's not too good to be true. You really like him, just bring it up and hopefully he can get it sorted. I feel so sorry for a guy that just gets binned due to something like this, I assume he hasn't brought it up as is ashamed and hoping it won't keep happening.

They've been in one another's company several times and nothing is happening downstairs for him, this isn't a case of they haven't met yet. They get on great by the sounds of it but he can't get an erection, sounds like op is looking for more than a friend so this isn't going to work.

Maybe he’s very nervous?? You deffo need to have a bit of a chat. Is he very shy? What’s he like after a drink, is he a bit more relaxed? If so I would go out for a lovely meal and a drink and then on the walk home or a cosy, just-the-two-of-you-setting I’d bring it up and say how much you like him and you wanted to ask if he was feeling ok and see if anything comes to light. Xx