To think new man should have told me he has performance issues

[QueenAnnesLeftSock]

i’d just like to start by saying that this isn’t about the performance issues, I will use the sex board for that. It’s about whether IaBU to be annoyed or disappointed that he didn’t tell me about it. I wanted to ask here first so I don’t dive in with both feet and make him feel worse than he prob already does.

background: I’m 38. A while ago I met a guy online, not through a dating site, more a friend of a friend type situ. He’s 38 and never been married nor as far as I can tell has he really had a very serious relationship. We started off chatting as part of a larger group and then it went to private emails and then phone calls. He is brilliant, a lovely man, and even though I was worried that the remote stuff wouldn’t be real it was all actually better when we met in person. So far so good right!

but the thing is we’d got very flirty before meeting, lots of chat about what we wanted to do, that sort of thing. Only when I stayed over for the first time, it just wasn’t happening. It’s been about 2 months now, we’ve spent the night together several times and he just can’t, there’s nothing happening down there at all. I haven’t said anything, I’ve just tried various things and then it’s just moved back to kissing and talking and we haven’t discussed it but it’s becoming a real elephant in the room.

So I don’t want to be but I can’t deny now I’m feeling a bit fed up, we’ve spent so many hours talking about everything under the sun and describing stuff in detail, and now I feel that he was maybe sitting there knowing all along that he wouldn’t be able to do it. I think I need to come to terms with how I feel about this before I tackle the topic with him so i don’t make it alllll about me, if that makes sense.

To summarize aIBU to be pissed off that for months i thought we were sharing our deepest secrets and sexy chat when he was keeping something hidden and must have known it was going to be difficult or impossible to do what was being described?

Any thoughts welcome 🙏

Odd that you know so much about your parents' sex life, but anyway if a couple talks about things openly at the beginning, anything can work.

This guy has not been honest. AND then has been too cowardly to bring it up for discussion.

If he's not able to talk about embarrassing/difficult/upsetting things, he's not ready to be in an adult relationship.

And it is not OP's job to refurbish a guy she's known for less time than some things have been in my fridge.

Thanks everyone, it’s really interesting to see other people’s experiences.

My best guess/gut instinct is that as DD says above, he’s got a health condition that he doesn’t want to talk about because it’s a difficult condition to manage and it doesn’t feel sexy, and also some men feel they can’t show vulnerability, and that it’s a physical thing causing the issue. Which is then why he’s been single for a long time. But until he tells me, it is only a guess, and it absolutely could be anything else on the doesn’t fancy me/nerves/gay/whatever spectrum.

whatever it is, though, he should have told or be telling me. Which is unusual because otherwise I’ve found him to be very honest/straight talking (after an ex who couldn’t lie straight in bed, you get to spot the signs of a liar, or I thought I did!)

I agree, too much perfection on the outside must have something going on in the inside. But the guys I was seeing happend to also have a “thing” for my flatmate. And they both knew it but decided to hide it from me. Needless to say all hell broke lose once I found out 😅

Update us when you speak with him OP!

@ThatFraggle "And it is not OP's job to refurbish a guy she's known for less time than some things have been in my fridge."

Fabulously put. Thank you dear Fraggle, I hope you don't mind but I'm going to shamelessly plagiarise you. 💐

p.s. Also, I completely agree with you.

@BajaBaja no, this chap isn’t Asian, it’s a small world but not that small 😂

Also and much more importantly than any chap’s penis… just who are all you guys managing to keep food in your fridge for more than 2 months? Anything I buy gets hoovered up within bloody days.

<3

There was meant to be a heart under the text

keep food in your fridge for more than 2 months?

Salad dressings when it's not lettuce-growing season.

That’s a bit unkind, maybe the problem can be resolved, but agree if he knew beforehand he should have said so. I’m thinking though if he did know he wouldn’t embarrass himself in this way. Maybe with patience it will come and be great, depends if you are prepared to wait. He seems very nice as you say in every other way, it’s worth giving it a bit more time in my opinion.
Did he say he wanted children ???

He says he’s never wanted them but he’s clearly great with his friends’ kids and is a godfather several times over. He’s very comfortable with me having DC although of course he’s not met them.( I definitely don’t want any more though, so that would be an issue if we fixed it and then he did!)

@ThatFraggle

Haha. What the hell...?

OP, someone upthread may have mentioned already. If it's ED, it could be the first sign of kidney disease in a man. He needs to have his kidney function tested as soon as possible.

@Charlize43 Good point. Maybe he doesn't want straight sex, only 'lesbian' sex (I got off with one of those once. )

'I always wanted to be a lesbian. I am now, aren't I?'

Erm no he wasn't.

OP- how many dates have you had in 2 months?

Where do you meet- his place, yours, going out to eat etc?

Who suggests the next date? You? Him?

When are you seeing him next?

(Cos we all want you to have that convo and report back asap )

I don't think so.

ED can be caused by furring up of the arteries.

Not usually anything connected with kidneys.

2 of my lovers with ED happened to have kidney failure. But I don't think it's the most common cause. It can be caused by all sorts of things and conditions.

Ask him to try viagra.

I feel for you op. After being in a sexless marriage for 6 years myself, I would advise to just run away from this one. Some men just don’t talk, won’t talk or can’t even empathise how it feels to be without sex. I went through all the emotions of blaming myself etc and I hear it in your tone too but it’s not your fault, wasn’t mine either. It really should come from him. You shouldn’t have to bring it up! It makes me angry it is on you to resolve. Why don’t you tell him what you want/need/expect from the relationship and see how he responds. If nothing changes, you have your answer. I don’t think my partner honestly believed he had an issue but would just nod & say he’ll try… but didn’t try at all at anything! Intimacy is more than just sex and honesty and communication are all part of it. I found all I ever had was a one way conversation - don’t make my mistakes.

A pp mentioned antidepressants, and I also wondered about this, as it is a fairly common side effect for some types.
I hope that he is honest and straightforward with you when you talk to him about it, he has to say something at some point anyway, I am surprised he didn’t say anything at the time, because it isn’t something he can hide.

Antidepressants can cause both ED and anorgasmia, in both sexes. (Before anyone challenges the notion of ED affecting women, what do you think your clitoris does when you get aroused?)

Sorry to say but I would send him and his flaccid noodle packing. That is just far too much to take on so early in a relationship when one would usually have shaggathons. Also really not ok to warn you about it.