Have we shrunk our lives too small?

[CeciliaMars]

DH and I both used to work full time, he in office jobs and me in education. He hated his job, so over time, we started a business which he now runs but he's self employed and doesn't have any employees or colleagues. I have had 3 kids in the last 8 years and have also gone self-employed, so we both work on our own, mostly from home. I'm going to be honest - I feel lonely. I spend a lot of time on my own at home, either working or doing the shopping/housework/life admin. We also see a lot (too much!) of each other as we both work from home most of the time. Most days, the only time I see other people is on the school run. Pathetically, I dress up for the school run and really cherish the little chats I have with other mums in the playground! Then it's back to my house and no adult company again.
I know WFH is a dream for some people and we are both really lucky to work for ourselves, but I am feeling lonely and dissatisfied. Have we, in both becoming self-employed, shrunk our lives too small? Thanks for reading :)

Can you go to a weekly evening hobby group and have a regular social interaction? Choir, ukulele, photography there's loads of groups in most places. Might be a good interim measure for you.

But also perhaps it's just not the right choice for you and it's ok to realise that and change it.

You don’t sound that dissimilar to me and my DH tbh, although he does work outside of the home but his shifts are fairly short so he’s around a lot.

Do you have any hobbies? If not, I suggest you take one up or go to the gym and do a class a couple of evenings a week or something.

Do you have friends? If so, perhaps try and see them at weekends, even if it’s days out with the kids or inviting friends or family over.

I do think it’s a risk. My in laws were very introverted, didn’t have a big social circle, kept themselves to themselves. They were actually perfectly happy when it was the two of them but unfortunately MIL died suddenly in her late fifties and FIL is now desperately lonely and has no wider network to lean on. It’s really sad 😔

I m somewhat similar WFH full time, colleagues are all online and geographically distant. I ve joined Meetup, just to generate social communication.

tbh I think you're being very self-defeating and a bit insensitive. How can you say you have no adult company when you are literally with your DH all the time?
Millions of people wfh, and most of them don't have their partners with them, they are actually home alone all day. Those who are single don't even then see anyone in the evening unless they make the effort so could easily go all day/week without any company. I did it during covid, before we were allowed bubbles/lockdown was lifted I literally spent 3 months without ANY face to face interaction with anyone.

You've both made the choice to go self-employed, it's not even as though it was imposed upon you by, for example, your work changing to remote working.
If you don't like it only you can change it! Work from a cafe or a co-working space a few days a week. Volunteer or meet friends or join a club in the evenings. I don't really see what you hope to gain from moaning about a situation that is entirely of your own creation and quite easy to change.

I would love to work from home-it would suit me down to the ground. We have wide circle of friends though, so I don’t rely on colleagues for my social life. Who else do you see? How often do you get together with friends?

Hi OP. No advice really just empathy as I’m in a very similar boat. Have WFH for the last 5 years, now have a three year old and pregnant with my 2nd so moving roles isn’t an option at the moment. If it wasn’t for seeing staff at nursery or my parents during drop off/ pick ups I would literally see no other adults (apart from my husband but he works night shifts and long day shifts). It’s taken me this long to realise WFH probably isn’t suited to my personality (can be vulnerable to feeling low/ anxious) and obviously long periods of isolation aren’t great for that!

Definitely take previous posters advice about clubs or hobbies, hopefully that will help?

This sounds similar to my own set-up, minus the kids. DH and I both work for our own small business (different roles, same clients), but he's out of the house 2 or 3 days a week. It works very well for me. I honestly only very rarely ever feel lonely, but that's me. I'm extremely introverted and prefer plenty of time alone. If it's not working for you, then you should either look into ways to socialise after work or find employment outside the home.

It's not the working from home that's the issue, its the doing nothing outside of work hours that's your problem. Socialise, see friends, see family.

My DH WFH he goes to the gym , table tennis , rides on his bike , motorcycling and hobby car. I work outside of the home so don't feel the need for as many hobbies or socialising I'm quite introverted. wfh isn't the issue it's you aren't doing stuff outside the home.

Hello OP
This is exactly how I feel
And we are financially recovering from Dh's work wobbles for last few years over covid
My life feels very small, and actually is worse as I don't even do the school run that much as all my friends were from
Dc1 year and they have left for secondary ☹️

What’s keeping him from joining groups, starting a hobby, volunteering, even working part-time ? He could start slowly and and increase, if he so desires. Its never too late to find a social circle.

I feel the same OP. Yes you can organise stuff on meetup etc but I find you (I) lose a lot of momentum wfh and sort of just get used to being in a bubble. Currently looking to make changes as ultimately it feels quite unsatisfying and isolating.

It’s not pathetic at all to cherish the school gate meet-ups. Sounds like you need those external connections; not everybody does, but you are st a point in your life where you need them. So you need to nourish those and/or find other outlets. How are your planning your summer, with kids off school? Can you join a local group like choir or running or a book group at the library?

How about joining the PTA?

If it makes you unhappy, then you have made your life too small for you.

Everyone has a level of socialisation they are happy at & you don't sound like what you have is enough for you.

Find something new to do to expand your circle again.

Can you network for your business?
Maybe join a local small business group or something?
Or is there a hobby you'd enjoy where you can get out & be with other people?

Op didn’t you know that you’re not allowed to post about anything without acknowledging there is someone who has it much worse than you? So insensitive of you.

I'd try and join some clubs for social interaction or get a job. I hate wfh, my husband did it for almost two years it's affected our relationship in a very negative way. Its boring when both people wfh and also dont have much of a social life. People are social creatures and it's natural for you to feel this way, I would feel the same. I do feel the same!

I only had to wfh during the lockdowns and know it is not for me. I love the sociability of work and I also like to keep work and home life separate. I would get depressed if I had to wfh. I think the hobby idea is good, but I would also start thinking about jobs that were not wfh. I realise that having 3 kids makes you less flexible at the moment though.

Don't you have friends outside of work?

It's not WFH that's the problem, it's that neither of you appear to have any kind of life outside of work and family. DH and I are both self-employed and work alone but we still go out and see other people.

After work today I'm meeting up with a friend for coffee with the dogs. DH is off to fishing with a mate tomorrow for a few hours. Those things are regular occurrences.

Why don't you ever go out with friends or to do a hobby?

I know what you mean. I work from home and feel very isolated. When I worked in the office I saw colleagues and that was enough social interaction for me. Along with chats at the school Gate.

Now both kids are at secondary so I don't see other parents anymore. I've lived here 23 years and haven't made one friend, just acquaintances. I know this is because there's something wrong with me.

I'm going to start at the gym I think. At least it will get me out of the house.

I can relate to this soo much we both run our company from home I’m usually in the gym but baby due next month and can’t be bothered I meet up with old friends go and get my nails done hair take older ones to cinema trips etc I just plan something and do it or sporodicly very rare our plans collide but unfortunately dh dad is extremely unwell at the minute so I really have to be available for dh to be able to just run off at any given moment which as I’m soo pregnant I don’t mind anyway! What are your favourite hobbies? Swimming cinema etc? Xx

You really have to work on this one. I work full time remotely from home (but was previously SE) and H is self employed and mostly home based too.

Outside if your day to day you have to make a real effort to fill your time and build those friendships and places of group belonging.

E.g. my son does a club one night a week. I volunteer there now.

I book cuppas, brunch, dog walks with friends from school run etc.

I book on local courses and tickets for local events.

Ot has to be your own responsibility to widen your life.

Yes, you’ve probably made your lives too small, but that doesn’t mean it’s permanent. You can just change it. I have 3 kids, 8 5 and 1, and my social life has really boomed this year. You need to make an effort though, and KEEP making the effort. Your husband too. If you both do it individually, plus add in some dates for the 2 of you (I’ve recently found a babysitter finally!) your life will expand hugely. Will be a logistical nightmare making sure you can both make your commitments around the kids, but will hopefully be worth it.