Have we shrunk our lives too small?

[CeciliaMars]

DH and I both used to work full time, he in office jobs and me in education. He hated his job, so over time, we started a business which he now runs but he's self employed and doesn't have any employees or colleagues. I have had 3 kids in the last 8 years and have also gone self-employed, so we both work on our own, mostly from home. I'm going to be honest - I feel lonely. I spend a lot of time on my own at home, either working or doing the shopping/housework/life admin. We also see a lot (too much!) of each other as we both work from home most of the time. Most days, the only time I see other people is on the school run. Pathetically, I dress up for the school run and really cherish the little chats I have with other mums in the playground! Then it's back to my house and no adult company again.
I know WFH is a dream for some people and we are both really lucky to work for ourselves, but I am feeling lonely and dissatisfied. Have we, in both becoming self-employed, shrunk our lives too small? Thanks for reading :)

I think the problem here is that you’re thinking of this as a “we” problem when actually you and your dh might have differing social needs.

There isn’t a one size fits all situation, and nobody is right or wrong, or better or worse for their social needs.

What complicates this is that you making changes might impact on your dh, so he might have to adjust a bit too. But you can work together to find a mutually satisfactory solution- as long as both of you respect that your needs are different but equally valid

I think @Begonne is right - it’s obvious from this thread that different people need different levels of social interaction. The whole “colleagues don’t equal friends” assumes you only want or crave meaningful interactions with friends, not that some people need daily “light” interactions with anyone, as well as seeing friends.

plus it’s hard when you are in the high effort stage of children to find time to meet up with friends regularly - it’s ok to say to the OP she should arrange something social each weekend or week night, but it rather assumes her friends are in the same boat, that they will have regular times they can meet at the same time. the OP is WFH, not a SAHM, so doesn’t automatically have spare time to volunteer or meet a friend for a coffee in the week and it doesn’t follow that her friends will have free time at weekends (thinking back to the recent thread about someone who’s friend had no spare weekends until September).

I think full time working from home doesn’t suit everyone. OP is one of those people and it’s ok to acknowledge that about yourself and change career again to something that suits you better.

Surely you have interests and hobbies. I’ve never relied on work for my social life, but I have lots of hobbies.

You could join a sports club, gym, choir, walking group, learn a language, a craft, go to the pub, theatre, museums etc. there’s so much to do. You must be interested in something?

Lots of people on this thread not understanding that some people just don't have a network of friends 🙄
It's the default MN assumptions:

• you have a large extended family living around the corner on-tap, ready to help
• you had a large circle of close school/college/uni friends to start with and have maintained contact with over the years

Those blithely saying 'get some hobbies' – it's not that simple when you've got three children under eight and when running your own business can mean long hours and stretched finances. And for a lot of small businesses that's not the case. They're not all struggling. I see a lot of small businesses in my job and for every two struggling to stay afloat there's one that's doing ok and where the biggest future risk is the owner(s) burning themselves out.

Isolation/loneliness is a very big risk to a small business that is entirely dependent upon the mental health and wellbeing of the owner.

I think if you don’t have many friends, family or hobbies, then the answer to your AIBU is, ‘probably, yes.’

I live close to where I grew up, although I did move away for roughly 10 years and then came back.

I see my old school friends roughly once every two months. The rest of my friends are people that I have met through having children the same age, through volunteering, or through my hobbies.

I have put a lot of time and effort into making friends and maintaining those friendships.

That's true, it's not simple at all. But it can be done. I'm a single parent with absolutely no childcare support (aside from what I pay for). But I have always massively prioritised having some social network outside the home. It's essential for mental health for me. So I've gone out when I often can't be arsed, can't really afford it etc because I don't want to drift into complete isolation.

I do sympathise when people are run too ragged and can't fit it in. But I think a lot of people assume it's non essential once you have a partner and kids and deprioritise it... then turn around ten years later and say: "Where did all my friends go?"

It's an investment, like anything else. Use it or lose it.

Why don't you volunteer or get a hobby?

I'm part of a group of 10 women who meet, if they can, there's no pressure, once a week. We met through a hobby and range in age from 50-76. We've been meeting up like this for about 2 years now.

@Strugglingtodomybest what hobby was that?

Let's just say that it was a form of amateur (very!) dramatics!

Thank! I wonder whether we need a list of different hobbies people have taken up to widen their social circle.

Good idea, although I'm loathe to list mine as taken in total it would be very outing!

One piece of advice though, don't feel like you have to have a passion or burning desire for the hobby you choose. I can take or leave most of the stuff I do, but I see it's value in getting me out of the house and meeting new people.

There's always AgeUK's befriending service too. A friend of mine volunteers for this.

https://www.ageuk.org.uk/services/befriending-services/

All the people saying 'SURELY you have hobbies'.. People who lean to the introvert side of things often have very solitary hobbies and interests. I, for example, am obsessed with reading and writing which are naturally solitary. Natural extroverts never understand how difficult thrusting yourself into a group or a team can be. I see it time and again in a workplace - leaders are so often extroverts and place so much value on team events/socials etc.

Not to say that introverts can't have friends or be social but that the 'obvious' ways are often more difficult or less appealing.

Also agree with people saying that there are 'tiers' of social interaction and we ideally need all of them. The definition of 'friend' also varies widely.

I know WFH is a dream for some people and we are both really lucky to work for ourselves

well yes and no. Just because some people like wfh and some people like being self- employed doesn’t mean that everyone does or that you have to pretend to. A lot of people do enjoy going to a workplace to work and enjoy the company of their colleagues or customers. Honestly being at home for the majority of every day would drive me nuts. I like the randomness of the outside world. A lot of people ( me included) would also prefer to be employed than self- employed ( my dad was self- employed- maybe that’s why).

The obvious answer to not enjoying wfh isn’t getting a hobby but stopping wfh. Why don’t you just go back to teaching?

I like reading. I've thought about book clubs but I have such limited time to read that the thought of reading something not of my choice is not appealing. Plus going out in the evening is nigh on impossible.

However, the OP wants to go out and meet people. She craves it so much that the school run is the thing she looks forward to the most in the day. I don’t think your situation applies to OPs situation of loneliness.

Yes I'm just pointing out the people saying 'surely you must have hobbies/friends etc' as if its the most obvious thing in the world! Well, the loneliness epidemic would suggest otherwise.

It doesn't apply to me right now but I can see how for certain personality types/preferences, loneliness is very easily achieved 'by accident'.

This is where I am.
I try and keep my Wednesday mornings for my hobby/exercise but something seems to always crop up.
Am self employed. It's fucking hard

Yeah working from home isn’t all it’s hyped up to be. What about using a shared office space ?

Working from home and being self employed can be hard, but are not without benefits.

I love both these aspect of my life. I like the flexibility know that that isn't possiile for many WFH jobs, and while I still have time deadines if I decide to go for a walk/meet a friend/go to the gym I can do that.
I love having no boss, I don't have to jump through hoops doig things that I don't really agree with or think are unecessary just because they are required.
I know some people don't like the fact work is always with them WFH, that it isn't possible to walk away and put work into a separate compartment.
That aspect suits me fine. My business stems from a "hobby"- not really, but you get the idea, it is a creative endeavour, so even on rare days off I am scrolling the internet for ideas and inspiration.
I also like the fact I can dovetail housework into work during my day, so can work while food is cooking, pause work to change laundry, listen to podcasts while I work, ip to the supermarket after the post office.
I manage 5 or 6 visits to the gym a week, all in the morning, usually a friend for coffee, a couple of woodland walks, and still manage to work 40 hours and be a carer for two adult family members who live with me.

No you haven’t shrunk your lives too small, you’re missing something which would piss you off if you had it. Try and replicate it by going to the same place for lunch once a week or coffee once a week, wait until someone is over familiar and you’ll be glad 😂

I was in the same boat and came back to full time work.

I don’t know what the answer is here. Returning to full time work may not be the answer though.

I have to go into an office three days a week and honestly I get very little interaction there.

The office is massive and there are banks and banks that are completely empty. The vibe is dead. Hardly anyone there and the people who are hardly speak to each other. The majority of my team is in another city so I am on teams a decent chunk of the day.

so going into the office isn’t necessarily the answer! It’s NOT how it was pre pandemic. I always had friends / contacts / lunch buddies etc. No more!

I totally sympathise! And I don’t even work from home. Just part time in a very small business. I moved overseas for my partner, then had children and was stuck at home. School pickup was also the highlight of my day. BUT- as the children get older, you get so much more freedom and your own life starts to blossom again. Joining a club is great advice, but if your 3 kids under eight then that’s probably quite difficult. Just get out whenever you can, meet friends, go for a walk or a coffee. go to the library/bakery/ fruit shop. Anywhere where you can just speak to people and you might run into someone and have a chat. Good luck!