Have we shrunk our lives too small?

[CeciliaMars]

DH and I both used to work full time, he in office jobs and me in education. He hated his job, so over time, we started a business which he now runs but he's self employed and doesn't have any employees or colleagues. I have had 3 kids in the last 8 years and have also gone self-employed, so we both work on our own, mostly from home. I'm going to be honest - I feel lonely. I spend a lot of time on my own at home, either working or doing the shopping/housework/life admin. We also see a lot (too much!) of each other as we both work from home most of the time. Most days, the only time I see other people is on the school run. Pathetically, I dress up for the school run and really cherish the little chats I have with other mums in the playground! Then it's back to my house and no adult company again.
I know WFH is a dream for some people and we are both really lucky to work for ourselves, but I am feeling lonely and dissatisfied. Have we, in both becoming self-employed, shrunk our lives too small? Thanks for reading :)

Also if you’re both doing your own individual social stuff then you will have more to talk about together and things will be more interesting that way. DH often goes to the theatre without me, sees loads of sport, goes out with some school dads etc. I go for brunch with friends, am in 3 hobbies, volunteer, often go to art and theatre events. There are SO many events and courses and stuff on locally, it’s probably the same for you. Once you start lookjng you’ll come across more and more. I even did a free parenting course lately through the council which I guess is life expanding in some sense! Extra-curricular at least!

Do you not make time for friends? I also work from home on my own and I live with my teenage child but I don’t feel lonely as at least 4-5 days a week I meet up with someone. Two nights a week I go to pilates with friends and then we meet up socially 3-4 times a week. Sometimes just for an evening walk, sometimes we go out to dinner or meet up at each other’s homes.

It does sound like you have isolated yourselves, but I think you will be grateful further down the line if you don’t ignore your friends now.

We're in a very similar situation op. Both wfh and rarely have the chance to see each other adults socially as we have young dc and no help. I actually think our relationship has suffered for it as we see each other constantly and never have any time apart so there's not much to talk about. We bicker more and I've actually been thinking about taking the dc away with my mum for a few days to have a break. I think it would do us good.

Wfh is amazing in some ways but I think you've hit the nail on the head when you say it shrinks your world.

Are you in a position to visit friends at the weekend? Or join a class during the week etc? You could even go work at the local library or cafe for a bit just to get out and change your environment.

This is an easy way to make never seeing other people seem more appealing

If you have the money, why not hire desk space in an office a few times a week and work from there - and attend events they run - networking, yoga classes, etc. It’s a good way to build a network of colleague’s and potential friends.

I'm going to be honest - I feel lonely. This needs to be addressed, loneliness is very bad for mental health. There is no standard amount of contact that works, but you need more. Your DH may not, he may be fine how things are.

You can either change your job to one with contact with other people, or add other things in after work, but if you are lonely it is time to do something.

Personally I don't like working from home as I need people to bounce off and get demotivated. It isn't everyone's ideal.

Do you have friends? Can you see them occasionally, or start a hobby where you will make some friends?

Why don’t you socialise? Do you not have any friends? No hobbies?

Oh give it a rest. OP is allowed to express her feelings about her life without being guilted into "single people have it worse". By your rationale, you shouldnt be posting either as there are single people in the world who dont have the luxury of affording a computer or posting on the internet.

OP- yes, I get you. This is why I dont think I could ever work from home. I enjoy the banter of the office and seeing different people. I also couldnt spend 24/7 with my husband as much as I adore him. Space away from each other makes our conversations much more interesting and varied.

Can you look into other activities to get you out of the house? hobbies, gym etc?

Why not widen your horizons by volunteering or adult classes. I started a particular class many years ago, not for friendship, but for the skills, but now 10 years later, I have 3 very close friends, we do so much socially and with other members of the class. In fact our classes got cancelled and we run them on our own now.
When my children were small and I lived miles from family and friends, I did evening classes and still am in contact with a couple of people 30 odd years later.
Have a look what is available, Languages, crafts, education there is so many new things to learn and so many people to meet.

I wfh, but what really helped was still doing a morning "commute" where I walk around 20 mins to a local coffee shop each morning, it's in a park and I have a good chat to other regulars. Its a far superior version of the school run!

You should probably change jobs and become employed outside the home. The daily low-level social contact offered by work adds up to a huge part of your life.

You don't have to do it straight away though. While you have young children, the flexibility of self-employment might be worth the lack of social interaction through work. When they're in school it might be easier. Though I guess if you're both working at home and are not a childminder, the DCs are cared for by someone else. So maybe you have more freedom now.

Anyway, think through the options, recognise that different jobs offer very different levels of flexibility and some office jobs can be more flexible than they might appear, depending on the culture of the organisation. Identify preferences, work towards those.

You don't have to do everything at once. Finding a weekly sociable hobby would be a good interim measure and good thing to do anyway.

I work from home so I know what it can be like. I would absolutely recommend some sort of hobby. I picked one at random last year and now have a great group of friends from it

I am feeling lonely and dissatisfied.

Well there's your answer. It doesn't work for you. I'd be looking for ways to get more involved with your community - PTA, one shift a week at a charity shop, community gardening group, whatever floats your boat. Would drive me nuts being stuck in the house with only DH for company the whole time.

Think you just need a buzzier social life? Being thrust into a relationship with colleagues you may not like every work day is not the answer!

What about your friends and hobbies? I WFH full time but I see people at weekends and sometimes in the evening and I have a hobby I do too where I see other adults. I also have play dates or see my family. Why aren't you seeing family and friends outside of work?

Another obvious solution would be to work from a co-working space rather than at home.

That would be my absolute dream to be honest. I would love to be my own boss with no one to answer to and not have to worry about bitchy colleagues. I would gladly swap places with you OP.

I think you know the answer yourself, based on your feelings!

Follow your instincts. If I were you, I would go back to what you seem to be missing - rather than trying to find a substitute in the form of social or sporting activities.

Surely this is easy to solve? Get out and

1. spend time with friends
2. partake in a hobby
3. volunteer

I WFH self employed but do all three of these and barely find time to work!

I wfh and feel lonely. However, when do people have time for all these hobbies? I go to a running club once a week and go running once a week but thats the most I have time for. Dh also runs once a week. We have small kids so I feel like I should be there most nights don't others

If you are feeling lonely then you need to do something about it. What about meet ups with friends? You could set aside a few hours once a week to do some volunteering so at your kid's school gor example, see if a local nursing home has a befriending type service, a charity shop, food bank etc. Maybe just have a look at the volunteering options locally and how much time they would need you to invest. If you could set aside the time it's a great way to meet people. You already chat to some mums so that could be a good starting point, arrange play dates or to gp out for a coffee. You could go the gym, start up a hobby. You might need to get out of tour comfort zone and with 3 kids it takes compromise or you'd need a babysitter but it sounds like it would be worth it for you.

Presumably you don't have a lot of time for yourself OP, between work, household chores and three DC under 8. It sounds like even one or two social things per month would improve your life. Do you have friends locally? Is there someone you could go for coffee with once a month, if you had time? What about a gym or a running group or a book group or just something? Have you talked to your DH about how you feel? I think that's where I'd start, because if he's a decent guy he'll encourage you to get out a bit and do something for yourself. I'd be bloody lonely if that was my life. The early years with little DC are a slog anyway, but never really getting out of the house either sounds very isolating.

Yeah, this.

OP you sound like you need a network and some company. It's better to try and get at least some of that from outside work, never great to be reliant on a job for socialisation and adult company.

The sort of person who was attracted to teaching is the sort of person who thrives on social interactions- it’s a very peopley job.

are all your dcs at school now? Go back to working at a school. There is a teacher shortage right now so you’d probably get part time if you ask for it. If you are a secondary teacher you could get in a school you’d like the dcs to go to…

alternatively you need to get involved with something that involves meeting people - PTA is a good shout, volunteering for a charity /charity shop etc.