Have we shrunk our lives too small?

[CeciliaMars]

DH and I both used to work full time, he in office jobs and me in education. He hated his job, so over time, we started a business which he now runs but he's self employed and doesn't have any employees or colleagues. I have had 3 kids in the last 8 years and have also gone self-employed, so we both work on our own, mostly from home. I'm going to be honest - I feel lonely. I spend a lot of time on my own at home, either working or doing the shopping/housework/life admin. We also see a lot (too much!) of each other as we both work from home most of the time. Most days, the only time I see other people is on the school run. Pathetically, I dress up for the school run and really cherish the little chats I have with other mums in the playground! Then it's back to my house and no adult company again.
I know WFH is a dream for some people and we are both really lucky to work for ourselves, but I am feeling lonely and dissatisfied. Have we, in both becoming self-employed, shrunk our lives too small? Thanks for reading :)

WFH would make my life as a single parent so much easier.
But mentally I couldn’t do it as I know it would take a toll on my MH.

I love going in and having fun with my colleagues.
It’s the small things like recommending a new recipe, complementing me on my new hair, having a laugh over something funny or even having a moan about something.
I also love that home and work are separate.

I would definitely either try and go into the office 1 or 2 days a week or get a hobby which requires you to be away from the house.

You can even just start by going for a 30 minute walk by yourself every evening, either in silence or listening to an audiobook/music.

You can then look into hobbies that you might enjoy which will allow you to meet other people.

Its so important to have time on our own and to socialise away from our immediate families.

That told her didn't it?!

I'm slightly similar OP except I don't have school gates anymore as now year 7!

I do make sure to see friends though and get to the gym/plan things. I often think about joining groups but I'm not a great joiner. Slight commitment phobe!

Lots of good advice here. I was on the PTA and it was good fun until it wasn't when the regime changed 😊

I felt that I was free to go out after the kids went to bed when they were small.

It’s difficult if you are a lone parent but OP has a DH, so she could easily make time to go out once a week for an hour or 2 whilst her DH puts the kids to bed.

Your life sounds really successful- well done to you both for starting your own business and having a young family. You should be proud.

I would start going to a social hobby or two. Maybe one sporty thing and something more relaxed. Walking group and book group for example. Whatever floats your boat.

It also sounds like you have good chats with other parents in the playground so start swapping numbers with the people you get on the best with and start arranging to meet up. Most parents with young children are also craving adult company so you're not alone!

I get it. I'm sort of half introvert, half extravert. I'm an only child and really happy in my own company but go a bit mad without seeing other people away from family and having adult conversations. I don't really have local friends now. Hobbies would be good, and it's great that you have the school run as a springboard. Perhaps if you help out on a stall with the school fete or something you may get chatting to someone and make friends and acquaintances that way? If you really don't have time or can't go out, what about joining an online community - some other threads on here are quite chatty, or a special interest group on Facebook?

yes it's lonely - this happened to me and Im a real extrovert!

I got a co work space so I have somewhere to go each day and have those little chats.

Yep, if I was still living where I grew up I'd be fine! Still have lovely friends from home, just no one near me.

I also find that I'm not a hobby person. I'm going to try the gym but I don't particularly want to. I also am jot creative in any way, or particularly sporty or religious. My dream life would be travelling all of the time, not little hobbies!

Do you fancy learning a language? You can join "Conversation exchange" and exchange English and their language conversation online. Fun to meet someone new from a different culture and get to know them.

I don't think that is the case at all. I have lived in 5 countries and I have been forced to make new friends over and over again. I moved back home a year ago after over 20 years abroad and I have made 3 new friends in that year through an app. I think a lot of people don't value friendships the same way they value their partners and once kids come along it's easy to become complacent but then you end up very lonely once the kids are a bit older. I have made a concsious decicion to make time for my friends and the result of that is that I now have loads of friends and they have been invaluable when I have been going through my divorce and now that my kids are flying the nest.

I can understand it. I make myself go into the office once a week (wfh the rest of the time) and this is partly to talk to others .
If I was 100% wfh it would be a struggle and a bit narrow .

If you don't like it change it. Join your kids up to some clubs - mostly parents stand around chatting there and it's a good way to get to know people, being stuck with them for an hour's fotoball training or gymnastics. If it's a club there's often social events too. Join a hobby yourself, get out the house. Put yourself out there, if you like a mum on the school run suggest a play date at a park where the two of you have a coffee, or at your house but invite her along for a glass of wine. Once you start building friendships your circle will expand.

A social life doesn't come on its own, but kids are a great "in".

We are in the same boat. I no longer have school runs but I do swim early 4 times a week so see people and try and plan in time with friends. It is easy to become lazy I think as you get too used to being at home so have to motivate yourself to get out and do things.

I do think as well a lot of these suggestions (including my own) are based on being a SAHM who got a bit lonely when dcs were at school, living in an area without lots of old friends who were about in the day - hobbies and volunteering are great if you’ve got the time in the week.

however if you are working full time, albeit from home, there’s not a lot of extra time or energy to get out and do stuff with others.

So as you are clearly someone who needs regular social interaction, I think I’d look at a return to teaching part time, could you do 2 days teaching and 3 on your own business?

OP it’s understandable to feel that way - but I’m sure there are changes you can make to make your life feel a bit bigger - a hobby in the evenings or maybe one day a week in a co- working space or an hour of two working in a coffee shop . Or just nipping out for an hour at lunch time or going to the gym or for a run .

@Primrosefrill, @1offnamechange
I'm with Primrose. I too thought it wouldn't be long before someone came along to bash you..... unnecessarily.

My DH WFH full time, I work 4 days at home and 1 out. I really appreciate the 1 day out - really puts a spring in my step.
Drives me mad being at home with him all day and I also have 3 kids and school runs.

It's summer, nice long evenings - can you go out one night a week with a friend for a drink or a walk? I tend to meet different friends for breakfast every other week, straight after the school run.

I'd suggest a community group something small but that means you'll get to know a few local faces, you might not make friends per se but then whenever you go for a walk, to a local shop you'll start to have those little interactions unexpectedly, but frequently, they really seem to 'carry' me in my friend free life.

Same boat, started going out for bike rides in a social group (Breeze), tho I'm not really a "joiner" and struggle a bit with socialising.

Op I think I know just how you feel.

I had wfh for 20+ years, for myself, by myself, before Covid. But I was always out at meetings, popping out to pick the kids up etc. All that stopped with Covid. I felt lonely and bored and really miserable. Especially when My youngest went to uni. I am usually such an annoyingly upbeat person but I could feel myself shrinking into myself and felt so low.

so, I decided to work in a co-working space a few days a week and then moved to full time. It has changed my life so much I love it and have “colleagues” for the first time in 2 decades.

worth a try? (And if you’re a limited company, it’s a business expense!)

YANBU - wfh can be very isolating, even if you live with people! It’s not necessarily being friends with colleagues, but just getting some day to day chat that makes a difference.

Do some volunteer work in an area you enjoy and can contribute some of your skills.

Hmmm I’d be careful with the whole colleagues = friends thing. Often they don’t and you may just end up feeling disillusioned if you rely on work interactions for your social life. Not all colleagues want to be friends or are friendly either! I think start by focussing on your existing friendships and maybe investing more time in them to begin with. Are there any mums you’re chatty with when you do the drop-off/pick-up that you could invite round for a drink or to the pub of an evening? Baby steps and you’ll get there. But personally I would veer clear of work colleagues unless you have a natural friendship with someone

I used to be in a very similar position, OP, and I really sympathise. I can't add much to the advice you've already had about keeping up with friends, making time for a group or class-based hobby and maybe part-time work or voluntary work if you can fit it in. But one thing I would just add is to take a bit of a look at the dynamics in your relationship. I would have said at the time that my situation was - as the pp kindly put it - self-inflicted, but over time I came to see that actually my DP had put a lot of effort into isolating me, supporting the choices that kept me at home working alone and seeing almost no one but him, and sabotaging anything that ran the risk of taking me out of his orbit. Hopefully this isn't the case for you, but it might be worth a look, and then, if you dismiss it out of hand as an idea, a second, closer look.

😂

@1offnamechange people are allowed to feel differently and have different problems to you, you know?

Can you also make sure you get one social thing in your diary every weekend, even if it’s only inviting your mom for a coffee or a walk with a friend do you know you’ve got something in every week? It’s easy to let time drift by, especially in the winter / wet damp spring if you’re not careful.