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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family holidays with stepchildren- AIBU

116 replies

Foreverdancingtothemusic · 08/06/2023 18:37

I have a DS age 10 who currently resides with me 50/50.

I have been with my partner for 5 years and we are thinking about having children at some point in the near future. However there is one sticking point we can’t get over…

Every year we go on holiday with his family and siblings (usually quite fancy), nobody yet has children of their own so to date this has been arranged when my DS is on holiday with his dad. It has been made clear that in the future, as grandchildren start appearing this holiday will naturally involve them, but not my DS.

At the moment, I see going away as an adults only holiday and therefore would not expect to have my DS invited. Likewise we are fortunate to be able to go on holidays in addition to this and he also goes with his dad. However if other children came along (either mine or other DP families children) I would expect my DS to be invited.

My partner has said that while he is happy to have DS in his life, he can’t force his family to be. I have said that if we had children and they were invited and my DS wasn’t it would be 1 out, all out approach. He doesn’t agree and thinks by the time this happens my DS will probably be too old to want to come or if not for the sake of 1 holiday per year he doesn’t want to risk isolating from his family, when my DS could continue to be with his dad.

I feel this would lead to resentment from my DS if they saw other children/siblings going on a holiday and they were not invited.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Debini · 08/06/2023 18:40

He sounds like an absolute dick, you can’t exclude one child from a family activity. How could he possibly think this is ok? I would seriously be reconsidering the whole relationship if he thinks it’s ok to treat your child this way.

nutbrownhare15 · 08/06/2023 18:43

If he sticks to this position I wouldn't have kids with him as your DS will always be a second class citizen.

maranella · 08/06/2023 18:43

He AND his family sound like complete dicks.

Clymene · 08/06/2023 18:45

He's been with you since you person was 5? He's a horrible arsehole and so is his family

EvilElsa · 08/06/2023 18:46

I wouldn't have my son treated as an outsider. I assume this will also translate to family events like Christmas and birthdays where your son will always be the second class citizen. It's not just a sticking point, it's bloody sinking sand.

Dacadactyl · 08/06/2023 18:46

I mean, when you get with a mum, her kids are part of the deal. If he don't like it, then he shouldn't have gone for a single mum.

How was it made clear by his family that your DS wouldn't be invited? I have no idea how the subject of hypothetical grandkids came up and then someone thought to say "oh, and BTW, Daniel definitely won't be being invited when our 'real' grandkids are born" I mean, that would be bizarre!!

CuteCillian · 08/06/2023 18:46

I don't understand why, after 5 years, your partner would not clearly mention to his family that as far as he is concerned your DS should be treated in the same way as his biological child. No brainer surely?

Stressfordays · 08/06/2023 18:46

I agree with all above. I wouldn't have children with someone who thinks my child is second class.

sheworemellowyellow · 08/06/2023 18:48

They aren't seeing you as the woman you are - a mother. They're pretending your son doesn't exist, and expecting you to behave as a childless mother too.

What would happen at Christmas?

1FootInTheRave · 08/06/2023 18:48

And you're with this partner because?

If that's his attitude I can imagine how he is with your ds. Not necessarily overtly but I guarantee the undertones are there.

Do better op.

For your son.

Sundaefraise · 08/06/2023 18:51

Debini · 08/06/2023 18:40

He sounds like an absolute dick, you can’t exclude one child from a family activity. How could he possibly think this is ok? I would seriously be reconsidering the whole relationship if he thinks it’s ok to treat your child this way.

As is often he case, the first post has it right.

This is a red flag - he does not see your ds as family.

towriteyoumustlive · 08/06/2023 18:51

I absolutely would NOT be having kids with this man!

You come as a package with your DS, and if holidays then become family ones including kids, then you take all kids including your DS.

If your partner agrees with his family, then think what he might be like with your DS once you give birth to his own flesh and blood?!?!

You need to put your DS first here.

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 08/06/2023 18:52

Walk away today op.
Surely you can see there is no other option?
I had a dd when I met my first dh. He was a cunt from early on but his family never treated dd and our subsequent dc any different.. I would have ltb sooner if they had..

billy1966 · 08/06/2023 18:52

Your poor son.

Why are you still with this arsehole from the arsehole family?

I do not understand women like you that could co template having a child with a man like that.

Your poor son.

Shameful.

Nordicrain · 08/06/2023 18:53

Honestly, this would be a deal breaker for me.

funinthesun19 · 08/06/2023 18:53

I think with these things it’s a case by case basis. It depends on whether he’s close to them first of all. I mean naturally any biological grandchildren are going to be close to them in a way that your DS might not be, but if he knows them well and they enjoy each others company then it might be hurtful if he’s not invited. But if he sees them every so often then I don’t know if they should have to take him on holiday with their grandchildren. Your DS has his own paternal family.

Are they close?

When I was a stepmum, my ex’s parents took dsc on holiday but not our shared children who were also pil’s grandparents too. So although my parents were very fond of dsc, they thought it was only fair that they only took my children on holiday and not dsc. Nothing against dsc, but it was about making things as fair as possible. It was also very unreasonable to hold my parents to higher standards than the children’s shared grandparents. As I said. Case by case basis. If my pil took all of their grandchildren on holiday then it might have opened up doors for dsc going away with my parents too.

CurlewKate · 08/06/2023 18:53

Don't have children with this man!!

BethDuttonsTwin · 08/06/2023 18:54

This is a dumpable stance he’s taken. Get rid of him. I’d never allow my child to be exposed to such an attitude.

BethDuttonsTwin · 08/06/2023 18:55

billy1966 · 08/06/2023 18:52

Your poor son.

Why are you still with this arsehole from the arsehole family?

I do not understand women like you that could co template having a child with a man like that.

Your poor son.

Shameful.

Yes, this.

schnitzelvoncrum25 · 08/06/2023 18:55

How awful. I couldn't stay with someone who treated my child like a second class citizen. Or tolerate his family either.

You sound annoyed about this but I would be fucking raging. You need to advocate for your son. He will remember this treatment if you allow it.

Quitelikeacatslife · 08/06/2023 18:59

You are kind of arguing about a theory here. It's more likely that these fancy sibling holidays will stop when babies come along. And they will be babies for a while, not quite the same as your DS who could be a teenager by then . Keep your powder dry and wait until it is a reality and see how you feel

JackieQueen · 08/06/2023 19:02

I would re think this relationship if I were you op. They don't sound like a very nice family at all.

momtoboys · 08/06/2023 19:04

They are awful people and your partner by going along with them. If you were to ever go on a holiday with them and not take your son when other children were invited I would include you in the awful person lot too.

HelpMeUnpickThis · 08/06/2023 19:05

I would dump for this.

Opaque11 · 08/06/2023 19:06

1FootInTheRave · 08/06/2023 18:48

And you're with this partner because?

If that's his attitude I can imagine how he is with your ds. Not necessarily overtly but I guarantee the undertones are there.

Do better op.

For your son.

This. So you also go along with them treating your ds like an outsider as it is? Now your dp confirms this. So anything other than leaving him for making it quite clear how he views your ds , would make you a really poor mother in my view.