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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family holidays with stepchildren- AIBU

116 replies

Foreverdancingtothemusic · 08/06/2023 18:37

I have a DS age 10 who currently resides with me 50/50.

I have been with my partner for 5 years and we are thinking about having children at some point in the near future. However there is one sticking point we can’t get over…

Every year we go on holiday with his family and siblings (usually quite fancy), nobody yet has children of their own so to date this has been arranged when my DS is on holiday with his dad. It has been made clear that in the future, as grandchildren start appearing this holiday will naturally involve them, but not my DS.

At the moment, I see going away as an adults only holiday and therefore would not expect to have my DS invited. Likewise we are fortunate to be able to go on holidays in addition to this and he also goes with his dad. However if other children came along (either mine or other DP families children) I would expect my DS to be invited.

My partner has said that while he is happy to have DS in his life, he can’t force his family to be. I have said that if we had children and they were invited and my DS wasn’t it would be 1 out, all out approach. He doesn’t agree and thinks by the time this happens my DS will probably be too old to want to come or if not for the sake of 1 holiday per year he doesn’t want to risk isolating from his family, when my DS could continue to be with his dad.

I feel this would lead to resentment from my DS if they saw other children/siblings going on a holiday and they were not invited.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Opaque11 · 08/06/2023 19:07

BethDuttonsTwin · 08/06/2023 18:54

This is a dumpable stance he’s taken. Get rid of him. I’d never allow my child to be exposed to such an attitude.

Op is already allowing it. He's awful but she's even worse because she's his mother and allows it.

Littlemissmagnet · 08/06/2023 19:07

My uncle has a stepson who is very much included in our family. We met him when he was 10, and I can say with certainty my aunt and my cousin comes a package and excluding him as he is not a "blood" relative would be morally incorrect, in my opinion. He is also in our cousins family WhatsApp group. By their logic, we should remove him but not his siblings?? really!! I'm gobsmacked that his is even an issue. You both are a package, and he can't be (not invited) when the 'real' children come along. Good luck with this lot. OP, you may need it.🍀

Original poster
Foreverdancingtothemusic · 08/06/2023 19:08

I think this is a bit harsh.

agreed his family are not what I would have chosen, but aside from the holiday issue with his family he doesn’t treat my son like a second class citizen at all.

OP posts:
Jagoda · 08/06/2023 19:09

I’m absolutely gobsmacked at this.

How can you even look at this horrible excuse for a man, never mind think about having children with him?

I would walk away. I can’t believe you would expose your own son to this nastiness.

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 08/06/2023 19:14

Foreverdancingtothemusic · 08/06/2023 19:08

I think this is a bit harsh.

agreed his family are not what I would have chosen, but aside from the holiday issue with his family he doesn’t treat my son like a second class citizen at all.

Hahahaha welcome to mumsnet where you type a-c due and they help you extrapolate to z and bash everything in their way lol.

Again why do people still bring their issues to toxic mumsnet? Lol

momtoboys · 08/06/2023 19:15

I can't stop thinking about this. I, too, would like to know how this subject came up. Your poor son. If your own mother won't stand up for you, who will?

Therealjudgejudy · 08/06/2023 19:15

Good grief op, why are you condoning this awful behaviour or your son?

Disgraceful

Merryoldgoat · 08/06/2023 19:15

Foreverdancingtothemusic · 08/06/2023 19:08

I think this is a bit harsh.

agreed his family are not what I would have chosen, but aside from the holiday issue with his family he doesn’t treat my son like a second class citizen at all.

He doesn’t now. But he’s already thinking about how reasonable it is to exclude him when he has his own child. He’s not willing to support you with his family already.

This will not end well.

But no one ever listens even though there’s a whole raft of people who are talking from experience.

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 08/06/2023 19:17

He agrees with his family that your ds isn't really family.

Utter cunts.

EvilElsa · 08/06/2023 19:18

Foreverdancingtothemusic · 08/06/2023 19:08

I think this is a bit harsh.

agreed his family are not what I would have chosen, but aside from the holiday issue with his family he doesn’t treat my son like a second class citizen at all.

But he is happy to allow his family to though? Happy to exclude him from further trips even if your own future children go just so he doesn't rock the apple cart with his horrible family. I just couldn't entertain having kids with someone like that.

MRex · 08/06/2023 19:18

Wow, they've really shown you who they are. Move on before you're trapped with a child in the middle of this. You'll meet someone normal once you're single again.

1FootInTheRave · 08/06/2023 19:23

He IS treating your son as a second class citizen. He's agreeing with his awful family.

My bil has a step-son. Guess what, all of dh's family including myself, treat him exactly the same as we do the other kids. To do anything other than this would be cruel.

Nanny0gg · 08/06/2023 19:26

Foreverdancingtothemusic · 08/06/2023 19:08

I think this is a bit harsh.

agreed his family are not what I would have chosen, but aside from the holiday issue with his family he doesn’t treat my son like a second class citizen at all.

Well you crack on then

And just see what happens when he has his 'own'...

Littlemissmagnet · 08/06/2023 19:26

Foreverdancingtothemusic · 08/06/2023 19:08

I think this is a bit harsh.

agreed his family are not what I would have chosen, but aside from the holiday issue with his family he doesn’t treat my son like a second class citizen at all.

I'm sorry if this harsh 😔 I truly am. The thought of him not being included will scar him more, I'm sure. You stick up for your son, and if your DP is the person you think he is, he will stick up for him, too. Family's are usually complicated. As long as your DP and you are on the same sheet, then u can both tackle it before your DS ever feels excluded.

I know we didn't even question my Uncles new GF (later wife), and her son were now a part of the family and still never do.

Mayorquimby2 · 08/06/2023 19:30

That's fucking appalling

Ragwort · 08/06/2023 19:31

You think the replies are 'harsh' because they don't agree with your viewpoint Hmm. I am a step child, thank Goodness my SF didn't exclude me from family holidays and celebrations.

I can't believe you are even contemplating a future with this man who treats your DS a second class citizen. You are giving your DS a terrible message that he isn't 'good enough' for family holidays. Sad.

cheddercherry · 08/06/2023 19:32

Yeah this doesn’t read well. The black and white is there is a line that’s drawn in your partner’s head about how he sees your son (it just so happens on this occasion to have come to light over this holiday issue) but rest assured it’s a line regardless and it’s only going to keep cropling up and any kids that are “his” are only going to highlight where your son is in comparison. It must be hard when you’ve been with someone so long, but essentially it’s going to one day come down to “your new family” together vs your son, and I wouldn’t want to feel like your son in that scenario.

Merryoldgoat · 08/06/2023 19:34

Christmas when your son is given some tat and his kid is spoiled by extended family.

Ignored birthdays.

’why can’t his dad pay?’

SpilltheTea · 08/06/2023 19:34

He clearly doesn't see your son as family if he's happy to exclude him.

7eleven · 08/06/2023 19:34

Foreverdancingtothemusic · 08/06/2023 19:08

I think this is a bit harsh.

agreed his family are not what I would have chosen, but aside from the holiday issue with his family he doesn’t treat my son like a second class citizen at all.

Absolutely not harsh. When ‘his’ children come along it will get even worse.

Will his family buy all the children xmas presents etc?

How on earth can you tolerate this? It’s horrible. FFS woman, why on earth would you allow your child to be shunned in this way.

PeloMom · 08/06/2023 19:36

Don’t have kids with this guy. His biological child/ren will be favoured. Do you want to do this to your DS? He’s showing you how things will be; don’t hope it will change.

CatherinedeBourgh · 08/06/2023 19:39

7eleven · 08/06/2023 19:34

Absolutely not harsh. When ‘his’ children come along it will get even worse.

Will his family buy all the children xmas presents etc?

How on earth can you tolerate this? It’s horrible. FFS woman, why on earth would you allow your child to be shunned in this way.

Show quote history

Oh FFS, what is the idea, that gps should buy the same gifts for step gc as for their own? So children with divorced parents get twice as much as children whose parents are still together/haven't remarried?

This place is ridiculous when it comes to step dc.

And no, I don't have step dc, but I have had 6 step parents in my life. None of them treated me exactly the same as they did their dc, nor did their families. I lived and still have an amazing relationship with one of them (whose mother never gave me a single gift but gave his birth dc loads, I barely noticed as I didn't expect different).

Original poster
Foreverdancingtothemusic · 08/06/2023 19:40

My comments relating to being harsh were regarding that most posters up until that point had only responded with comments around dumping him, being shameful and an idiot.

the reason I can on here was for peoples perspectives and opinions (which a lot of the latter posters have provided).

if other people have experiences and explain them, I am prepared to listen (hence why I came here int he first place)

but comments like ‘he’s awful, you’re worse’ and nothing else serve no purpose

OP posts:
jimmyjammy001 · 08/06/2023 19:44

He knew you had a son from the start, he shouldn't of got involved if he's not willing to accept your son with everything you do, he needs to date someone at a similar stage in life as himself I.e. childless like himself

Ponoka7 · 08/06/2023 19:46

Has it been made clear by his family? Do they have a relationship with your DS? Is your DP relying, financially on his parents?

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