Family holidays with stepchildren- AIBU

[Foreverdancingtothemusic]

I have a DS age 10 who currently resides with me 50/50.

I have been with my partner for 5 years and we are thinking about having children at some point in the near future. However there is one sticking point we can’t get over…

Every year we go on holiday with his family and siblings (usually quite fancy), nobody yet has children of their own so to date this has been arranged when my DS is on holiday with his dad. It has been made clear that in the future, as grandchildren start appearing this holiday will naturally involve them, but not my DS.

At the moment, I see going away as an adults only holiday and therefore would not expect to have my DS invited. Likewise we are fortunate to be able to go on holidays in addition to this and he also goes with his dad. However if other children came along (either mine or other DP families children) I would expect my DS to be invited.

My partner has said that while he is happy to have DS in his life, he can’t force his family to be. I have said that if we had children and they were invited and my DS wasn’t it would be 1 out, all out approach. He doesn’t agree and thinks by the time this happens my DS will probably be too old to want to come or if not for the sake of 1 holiday per year he doesn’t want to risk isolating from his family, when my DS could continue to be with his dad.

I feel this would lead to resentment from my DS if they saw other children/siblings going on a holiday and they were not invited.

AIBU?

I think being excluded from family holidays will drive a wedge between you/dp and your son. I wouldn't have handled my half-siblings being included in a big family holiday but me not being welcome well at all. I would have felt abandoned and unwanted.

Honestly I don't think I would ever have forgiven my mum if she did that to me. Luckily my step dad would never ever have allowed this to happen. Please don't do this to your little boy.

You think this could lead to resentment from your son? You should be resentful. What a shitty attitude. Poor DS.

We’ll have to agree to disagree, but I feel really strongly that young children should be treated the same.

So I don't think there's anything wrong with your DS not going if other family children are going, the only time I would make me a bit 😬 is if it were your other child going. So your partner's niece going? Meh I don't necessarily think that means your son HAS to be invited too. However I do think he should be if you, your DP and your other hypothetical child is going.

That being said I also don't think it's a problem for your DP to want to take any future hypothetical child on holiday alone with his family either. In that case you could stay home with your DS. I would see absolutely nothing wrong with that personally.

This is appalling. I couldn’t be with someone who would exclude my child like this and I think you will have a lot of challenges if you choose to have children with this man.

I don't think there is anything wrong with his family wanting to holiday with their own grandchild and not other children 🤷‍♀️ I don't think that makes them hideous and the only time I'd think I may be unreasonable is if OP herself continued to go on the holidays. DP should take himself and any future hypothetical child by himself with his family and then there's no problem. They are allowed a separate relationship with their own grandchildren that they shouldn't have to replicate for other children not related to them imo.

My husband ‘acquired’ my child at two years old. One of his siblings tried to correct my FIL about the number of grandchildren he had (suggesting it was wrong to count my child). When he firmly put the sibling in his place, I was so touched and grateful.

Of course your son should come, if he can't come, none of your future kids can go. Are his family always such arseholes? And why is your dp not backing you up?

If OP didn't go and stayed home with her son, why shouldn't their children together still get to go on a holiday with their family?

Who is paying for the holiday? As long as you are paying for him he should absolutely be invited.

However, the fact that they are even talking about excluding your ds when future grandkids come along shows these people are heartless and you should stop going on holiday with them.

Because DSS is uninvited for no good reason.

No they are not close, DS dad is very much involved in his life therefore christmas etc is alternated and the year he is with me, we visit my parents. The year he is with his dad, we visit DP family. Similar with other special occasions.

DP family live about 2 hours away, so generally I don’t actually see them myself all that often (and prefer to keep it that way) let alone DS.

Topic of holidays was brought up as they itold me DS wasn’t invited to annual holiday as 10 adults and one child would ruin the dynamic.

DS comes on all holidays with me and DP, goes to play sports with DP. If I am working late he will collect him from childcare and cook/feed etc.

DP’s family asked about grandchildren for them. As I saw the red flags about DS I asked them direct about annual holiday…they’re response was ‘it wouldn’t be appropriate’. I later brought the topic with DP

Agreed with the majority. Kick this jerk and his knobby family into touch

And?

They are allowed to want to see their grandchildren separately. I've holiday'd with my family and my DC before (shared with DH), and DH stayed home with DSC. No one had any issue with it. It only would have been if DH came too.

What would happen on birthdays? Christmas? Weddings?

This is the stance I would have taken if the topic had arisen after having children. I would stay at home with DS.

however, it’s arisen beforehand which makes me question the whole thing about proceeding.

There's also a bit more nuance to it as well when it comes to holidays and ages of children.

So the DPs hypothetical niece or nephew who's only in nursery can't come unless everyone changes the date to go in the school holidays so OPs DS can who OP herself admits they don't really know that well.

I'm just saying not every scenario which doesn't involve OPs son going too is unreasonable. If they want a holiday just with their own family children I don't see the problem with that, OP can just not go? It's a theme on here ALL the time, step mothers taking their shared children away by themselves whilst their partner stays home with the step children and it's always said it would only be unreasonable IF the parent of DSC also went.

Why is it so different though before having children compared to after? You admit yourself that they rarely see your son so why would they now or in the future treat him the same as their grandchildren/niece/nephew whatever. It sounds like they barely know him. Absolutely I see why you wouldn't want to go. But I don't think it needs some huge standoff between your partner and his family where he refuses to go along or see them ever again until they treat your son exactly the same as they would a child of his.

I wouldn’t be having children with him. Simple as that

Please don't have more children with him if he won't consider your child as equal to his children. He doesn't see to understand childrens feelings. Yes your son MAY not want to go on holiday with his stepdads fault but that should be his choice!

What happens if one of your partners siblings married someone with kids and has their own step child? Would they also be banned? Awful family rule to have. I'd take my son away rather than go on holiday with these people x

Don’t have kids with him!

I am not one for saying step children should be included in every holiday for various reasons as a hard and fast rule. But his attitude has wider implications.

My feeling (as someone with step siblings that were very much treated equally, and also as a stepchild that felt the tension on the other side) is that it isn’t just going to be holidays that this issue pops up though is it? E.g. You don’t spend Xmas now with them but what if they want to see “their grandkids” on Christmas and it’s a year you’ve got your son? Is he not invited? Will he watch his siblings be fussed over while sits in a corner? Or would you have to spend Christmas with your kids split up while your partner takes them to his parents and you stay with your son? Where do they draw the line in where your son is/isn’t the same as any other grandchildren would be my question?

Wouldn't be appropriate?!! What the fuck? He's your son, their sons stepchild. Why on earth can't he join a holiday with his future siblings? He is THEIR family. This just wouldn't be the relationship for me. Not with those views.

This. I couldn’t have kids with this man.

This is awful, awful enough to make me reconsider my relationship with someone who’d happily treat my child so poorly.