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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family holidays with stepchildren- AIBU

116 replies

Foreverdancingtothemusic · 08/06/2023 18:37

I have a DS age 10 who currently resides with me 50/50.

I have been with my partner for 5 years and we are thinking about having children at some point in the near future. However there is one sticking point we can’t get over…

Every year we go on holiday with his family and siblings (usually quite fancy), nobody yet has children of their own so to date this has been arranged when my DS is on holiday with his dad. It has been made clear that in the future, as grandchildren start appearing this holiday will naturally involve them, but not my DS.

At the moment, I see going away as an adults only holiday and therefore would not expect to have my DS invited. Likewise we are fortunate to be able to go on holidays in addition to this and he also goes with his dad. However if other children came along (either mine or other DP families children) I would expect my DS to be invited.

My partner has said that while he is happy to have DS in his life, he can’t force his family to be. I have said that if we had children and they were invited and my DS wasn’t it would be 1 out, all out approach. He doesn’t agree and thinks by the time this happens my DS will probably be too old to want to come or if not for the sake of 1 holiday per year he doesn’t want to risk isolating from his family, when my DS could continue to be with his dad.

I feel this would lead to resentment from my DS if they saw other children/siblings going on a holiday and they were not invited.

AIBU?

OP posts:
IThinkItsCalledAButt · 08/06/2023 20:24

cheddercherry · 08/06/2023 20:19

My feeling (as someone with step siblings that were very much treated equally, and also as a stepchild that felt the tension on the other side) is that it isn’t just going to be holidays that this issue pops up though is it? E.g. You don’t spend Xmas now with them but what if they want to see “their grandkids” on Christmas and it’s a year you’ve got your son? Is he not invited? Will he watch his siblings be fussed over while sits in a corner? Or would you have to spend Christmas with your kids split up while your partner takes them to his parents and you stay with your son? Where do they draw the line in where your son is/isn’t the same as any other grandchildren would be my question?

Surely they'd just continue to do what they do now and alternate it like many other people do. OPs family the year her son is with them, DPs family the year he isn't.

I don't think you can make really what sounds like no effort to form a relationship between your partners family and your child (OPs says they never spend Christmas with them unless her son isn't there and she doesn't say that's because they won't, she also says he rarely sees them), and then act aggrieved when they have.... No relationship with your child?

If OPs tried this and been rejected from the start then fair enough, but it sounds more like she's been fine with the status quo of her son not really having anything to do with DPs family until she realised any future children would be in a different position.

Lacucuracha · 08/06/2023 20:24

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Lacucuracha · 08/06/2023 20:24

IThinkItsCalledAButt · 08/06/2023 20:02

And?

They are allowed to want to see their grandchildren separately. I've holiday'd with my family and my DC before (shared with DH), and DH stayed home with DSC. No one had any issue with it. It only would have been if DH came too.

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They can meet them but excluding OP’s DS from a family holiday that the other dc are going to is unacceptable.

IThinkItsCalledAButt · 08/06/2023 20:24

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Only if OP goes.

Lacucuracha · 08/06/2023 20:25

IThinkItsCalledAButt · 08/06/2023 20:24

Only if OP goes.

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OP staying home without some of her children is not the solution.

EnglishMuffins · 08/06/2023 20:26

I wouldn’t be having children with this man if this is how he and his family treat your son BEFORE kids have even come along!
im very lucky my dc from a precious relationship are treated exactly the same as my dc with dp and they welcomed the dc into the family with open arms.

IThinkItsCalledAButt · 08/06/2023 20:26

Lacucuracha · 08/06/2023 20:25

OP staying home without some of her children is not the solution.

Show quote history

Why? So her partner can never take his children anywhere unless OP and her son comes? Her son goes away with his own father now, she's home without her child then, why is it so different?

I've been away a few times with mine and DHs DC whilst he's stayed home, he's not been bothered at all.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 08/06/2023 20:28

He’s showing you what he’s really like now BEFORE you have children op. Read the signs and run. Find someone (with a family) who will accept you and your child. Imagine how your child will feel. Awful.

aSofaNearYou · 08/06/2023 20:28

I think it's reasonable to tell him he needs to discuss this with his family in terms of bringing him along if and when you have more children.

I think it's fair enough to not take him now when it's an adult trip, but once you have children the dynamic will already be different to accommodate them, so it would be churlish not to allow your son to come, especially at your own expense.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 08/06/2023 20:29

Sorry OP, putting aside possible resentment from your DS, I don’t see how you wouldn’t end up feeling resentful?

How hard is it simply to be warm and welcoming to a child? What impact does it have on their lives?

That they insist on excluding him is just …. really sad.

IThinkItsCalledAButt · 08/06/2023 20:29

Although OP is right to question what she'd be happy with before having children of course. In my mind, my DH needed to accept that if he was going to have children with two different women then said children wouldn't always get the same things, go to the same places, have the exact same relationship with every member of every family. If OP cannot accept that then yes she's definitely better off not having children with her partner.

DMLady · 08/06/2023 20:30

Quitelikeacatslife · 08/06/2023 18:59

You are kind of arguing about a theory here. It's more likely that these fancy sibling holidays will stop when babies come along. And they will be babies for a while, not quite the same as your DS who could be a teenager by then . Keep your powder dry and wait until it is a reality and see how you feel

This.
Also, fwiw, I don’t think it’s quite so cut and dried. Completely agree you don’t want your DS to feel excluded — that would be awful — but equally, your DS will get opportunities to do things with his dad that, if you do have other children, they won’t get. As someone who has DC & DSC, our DSC come on some but not all holidays with us as they also have holidays with their mum. (They also have holidays with their Dad — my DH — without our joint DC, if that makes sense, partly because of age difference and partly because of interests, but also because it’s good for them to have time with their dad without the rest of us there.) I’m not agreeing with your DH, btw, but I do think it’s more complicated than the LTB some posters seem to be suggesting…

Lacucuracha · 08/06/2023 20:30

IThinkItsCalledAButt · 08/06/2023 20:26

Why? So her partner can never take his children anywhere unless OP and her son comes? Her son goes away with his own father now, she's home without her child then, why is it so different?

I've been away a few times with mine and DHs DC whilst he's stayed home, he's not been bothered at all.

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The issue is exclusion of one child. It reveals a small mindedness and I wouldn’t reward these people with their grandchildren’s presence.

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 08/06/2023 20:30

I think it’s fair enough to have an adults only holiday but it’s not on to have some children going and not others.

you and your child should be considered a package deal. Your DC and future dc should be considered a package deal. Your dc will be their gc's sibling. Even if it seems logical as your dc isn’t their gc, it won’t feel that way to the children.

Nothingisblackandwhite · 08/06/2023 20:31

you created this issue by not demanding your child to go on family holidays with family ! I would be upfront and say to everyone that your child is the most important thing in your life and either he is included or your future children won’t be going either . Honestly this sort of arrangement makes my skin crawl , you really should consider if this guy and his family are the right thing for your child

snazzlealpaca · 08/06/2023 20:36

Dh's family treat my DD (from a previous relationship) the same as they do their other grandchildren. She was bridesmaid at SIL's wedding, and is now godmother to SIL's daughter. There have been some occasions where she has been with her other family, but in general she has the same relationship with them as our DS (mine and DH). We did get together when DD was quite young, and she is the same age as other cousins, which I think helped.

Do you enjoy the big group family holidays? We are not as close, and I would struggle to imagine that being fun! My in-laws have quite different tastes in holidays and entertainment from each other, and from us, so it would be a recipe for disaster. And has never been suggested. I wonder if your partner is used to automatically doing whatever his parents want without question? Lots of people do, and it can be an issue when they are committed to their own partner and children, who should (IMHO) come first most of the time.

frazzledasarock · 08/06/2023 20:36

I have DC from a previous relationship and my DH & his family treat them like family.

Wherever my younger DC are invited my older ones are too, my IL’s take an interest in their lives, include them in family celebrations and holidays and never ever make them feel any less than their younger siblings.

I would not be a part of my DH’s family if they ostracised my older DC . I wouldn’t be with my DH if he condoned it.

if you have DC with your partner your old DS will be so hurt seeing his younger sibling treated as part of a family he has been rejected from. And you’re going along with it?

it’s up to you, but your son may decide he doesn’t want to be part of your cosy little family if you condone your partner and his family’s behaviour towards your son.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 08/06/2023 20:38

DMLady · 08/06/2023 20:30

This.
Also, fwiw, I don’t think it’s quite so cut and dried. Completely agree you don’t want your DS to feel excluded — that would be awful — but equally, your DS will get opportunities to do things with his dad that, if you do have other children, they won’t get. As someone who has DC & DSC, our DSC come on some but not all holidays with us as they also have holidays with their mum. (They also have holidays with their Dad — my DH — without our joint DC, if that makes sense, partly because of age difference and partly because of interests, but also because it’s good for them to have time with their dad without the rest of us there.) I’m not agreeing with your DH, btw, but I do think it’s more complicated than the LTB some posters seem to be suggesting…

Show quote history

I don’t disagree that by the time a new baby comes along and these holidays resume, the OP’s DS might not really fancy the holidays, anyway.

But it’s not really the point, is it?

The point is the DH’s family going out of their way to exclude the OP’s child. Not only not invite him, but exclude him. And it’s obviously not just in relation to this holiday.

It’s just really petty and small-minded. I mean, how to completely drive a wedge in family relations.

Compare them with the sort of warm, the-more-the-merrier type of people you’d hope for them to be, and their attitude and behaviour is just really wanting.

jelly79 · 08/06/2023 20:39

100% no!! They are planning to treat your DS differently and exclude him. They are completely fine with it. And vocal

No no no.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 08/06/2023 20:40

Yes, pretty much as @frazzledasarock has described.

The OP’s ILs seem like failures compared with frazzled’s set-up.

DisquietintheRanks · 08/06/2023 20:40

Mumsnet is so hypocritical sometimes. A different poster posted almost this exact scenario a few weeks back, except she was the stepmother wanting them to take "their" child to visit her family without her stepchildren. Almost everyone thought that was perfectly fine as long as they also had other holidays that included the stepchildren.

EvilElsa · 08/06/2023 20:43

I'd want the answer to why it "wouldn't be appropriate". What does that mean? What would be inappropriate about a stepson joining a family group holiday? Adults only I understand but a family group? He IS family. Even if not treated like a grandchild surely they can be kind and friendly?! So weird.

Lacucuracha · 08/06/2023 20:43

DisquietintheRanks · 08/06/2023 20:40

Mumsnet is so hypocritical sometimes. A different poster posted almost this exact scenario a few weeks back, except she was the stepmother wanting them to take "their" child to visit her family without her stepchildren. Almost everyone thought that was perfectly fine as long as they also had other holidays that included the stepchildren.

Do you mean the poster who wanted to go on a cheap term time holiday with her baby during her maternity leave?

SugarPlumpFairy3 · 08/06/2023 20:45

This would be the hill I’d die on. Absolutely not a chance they would be allowed to exclude my children, under those circumstances.

How on earth is it not appropriate for him to be there?

SparklyShark · 08/06/2023 20:49

I am someone who thinks it is fine to holiday with out DSC sometimes, if it makes sense to do so occasionally. For example, if older DSC get holidays with their other parent, and younger preschool joint DC might be able to go on a term time holiday but you can't afford a school hols trip - and you also do other things/holidays all together with DSC.

But, this is not that.

Your DP is actively planning ahead to exclude your DS, when you don't even have joint DC yet.

I think that is pretty awful.

I think you need to decide if you would be happy to take an approach such as - DP takes joint DC with his family, while you holiday with DS. Or, if this puts you off altogether.

I think you also need to have a long conversation about important dates and decisions etc, and what exactly you can expect from him as a stepfather - and see if what he is offering is acceptable.