Family holidays with stepchildren- AIBU

[Foreverdancingtothemusic]

I have a DS age 10 who currently resides with me 50/50.

I have been with my partner for 5 years and we are thinking about having children at some point in the near future. However there is one sticking point we can’t get over…

Every year we go on holiday with his family and siblings (usually quite fancy), nobody yet has children of their own so to date this has been arranged when my DS is on holiday with his dad. It has been made clear that in the future, as grandchildren start appearing this holiday will naturally involve them, but not my DS.

At the moment, I see going away as an adults only holiday and therefore would not expect to have my DS invited. Likewise we are fortunate to be able to go on holidays in addition to this and he also goes with his dad. However if other children came along (either mine or other DP families children) I would expect my DS to be invited.

My partner has said that while he is happy to have DS in his life, he can’t force his family to be. I have said that if we had children and they were invited and my DS wasn’t it would be 1 out, all out approach. He doesn’t agree and thinks by the time this happens my DS will probably be too old to want to come or if not for the sake of 1 holiday per year he doesn’t want to risk isolating from his family, when my DS could continue to be with his dad.

I feel this would lead to resentment from my DS if they saw other children/siblings going on a holiday and they were not invited.

AIBU?

So DS isn’t a part of their lives at all now then from the sounds of it? I find that a little bit odd TBH, when you’ve had that family unit for 5 years, he should very much have been included long before now in all sorts of different things surely? Family events? Get together? So why is it only coming to light now?

the family holiday dynamic WILL change as more children come along, but it seems pointless discussing it now, what’s the point getting upset by something that hasn’t happened yet? By the time more kids come along it will have changed to a different dynamic entirely, I’d say cross that bridge when you come to it, but if you send DS off to his dads every time you do anything with his parents don’t be surprised that they don’t want to suddenly include him in a holiday when you’ve seemingly never bothered about it before.

i assume they pay for this holiday? In which case you can’t really dictate who comes, it’s shitty of them but not really surprising. Why don’t you pay your way on the holiday then you can bring who you like?

This is so sad. I know everyone's families are different and you can't and shouldn't force relationships, it's just a shame that your in-laws don't want to include their potential grandchild's elder sibling.

I'm lucky - DP's family are inclusive with my DS to an extreme, almost - he is always assumed to be coming, his needs are considered, he gets presents etc... I think it helps that he has become good friends with DP's nephew (similar age so more in common than with our shared toddler) but that wouldn't have happened if he hadn't been included in the first place. Mind you, in that case DD might not have happened either 😂

I hope it resolves positively for you, OP.

thats awful .. your DS may feel a little pushed out if you were to face more children as he’s been an only one for so long and this would show him he is treated differently to the younger children. On the other hand by time they get to 16/17 they are not so keen to go on family holidays so might not be an issue if you not thinking immediate future but for me I wouldn’t dream of taking my Dd away and not taking my DSS and DSD.

In my experience this is quite normal. My friends whose parents were divorced who were co-parenting equally clearly had two parents and then there were step parents families. Those were not extra grandparents but everyone co-existed in peace. The parent, step parent, halfsibling and friend would be family unit with each other but not really with the extended stepfamily and to my knowledge it worked fine. I understand that the dynamics are different with every family. But I feel like here the problem is fundamentally different understanding on the familyunit.

My DH has a son who is 11 yrs older than our dc.

We take him on holiday with us once a year.

We also go on holidays without him. One of those was an adult only holiday with DP's extended family. The only child there was our dc, who we obviously can't leave.

Tbh it's never been an issue given the age difference. DSS would have been totally bored on the adult only holiday, plus there are other teens in the family who also didn't go. A baby isn't the same as a teenager. I don't see a problem with your partner's view in terms of holiday.

Much more of an issue if he doesn't want to include your ds on normal weekends imo.

Hi all would really lke
your opinion on this. So this year we as a family was meant to go abroad 1st time since covid . 1 blood son and wife’s 19 year old, however the 19 year old has decided he does not want to go. Now my wife feels like she can not go because she feels like he’s not capable of looking after himself. She has told me to take my 13 year old so he doesn’t miss out. I’m not keen for various reasons, such as I would feel incredibly bad for my wife, secondly what if I get I’ll or something while away there is no one to
look after my 13 year old. I maybe being stupid but would really like some opinions . I am just incredibly annoyed that because he doesn’t want to go my wife misses out and then we have the guilt. Also my 13 year old would miss his mum terribly. Any advice appreciated

@Mab1978 - you’ve posted on someone else’s thread.

You’re better off posting your own thread if you want advice.

Apologies did this wrong have now created new thread cheers

That’s gross. I’d have left him the minute he let me in on the warped workings of his mind. His dad sounds like a dick too.

Them telling you it was a childfree holiday and your son wasn't invited, is a vastly different scenario to them telling you even when children are included, your son will still be excluded.

Are you really so desperate to be signing up for children in a relationship where you will remain at home during celebrations and holidays because your older child is clearly unwelcome in your partners family?

Very hard to imagine why anyone would knowingly sign up for that for themselves and their child.

Loyalty towards our child would prevent most.

This is NOT about a partner bringing a child for a solo visit to grandparents, this is about the laying out of a longer term dynamic where your elder child will always be viewed as separate.

Not in your son's best interests.

YANBU. But then he does have a point. He has chosen a life with someone with DC - his parents didn’t make that choice so they can decide whether they want to be involved or not.

My parents have accepted my step DC as family and so have DHs parents but my dad isn’t very “hands on” with any of them. They do buy them Christmas presents etc though and invite them all to family gatherings.

Where your DP is going horribly wrong though is to even contemplate going without your DC - he should be telling his parents you all go, or none go!

I have a DSD and a DD and I would never dream of behaving like your DP.

I'm sorry but his family sound awful, I cannot even understand why they would care so much about your son going or not going. Imo if you have a family holiday then all kids should be involved.

Also if my family ever acted like that (which they never would) they would be told in no uncertain terms by me that we all go or none of us go and we will just have our own holiday. You're being let down by your partner here.

You also need to be careful as if you have children with him it may be difficult for your DS anyway and that situation will make him feel even more left out.

I'd be walking, but my ex mil treated any children that weren't blood as if they didn't exist. Part of the reason my exh is an ex.

So it wouldn't be appropriate for your ds.

But would be appropriate for 'real' children.

Will there be cousins? In 5 years, will there be a handful of younger children going? But still not your ds?

If it is the only troublesome part, I wouldn't worry that much about it.

He is 10 now. He knows he doesn't have active warm relationship with them. He knows you have the adult holiday. If you have another child, maybe you would skip one year altogether, than it will be adults plus a baby, and soon he will be a teen with different interests and needs.

Well done FIL. My DM’s friend took the same view with her son’s step daughter - her DGC, same as her others.

I would not allow any Dc of mine to go on a holiday with DH’s family if my other Dc was excluded. I would pay for my other DC if in laws were paying for the rest, but no way would I allow him/her to be excluded.