AIBU to think it’s rude to try to being siblings to a party?

[Amillionyearsago]

I know, I know - I missed a trick by not stating upfront on the invitation that we couldn’t have siblings. But seriously, I sent out some birthday party invitations this morning and have already had five requests that siblings come too. I have obviously replied politely to say that unfortunately we can’t do that this year, but AIBU to think that it’s really, really ill mannered, inconsiderate and entitled to ask and put people in that position in the first place?!

Most party entertainers will only accommodate a certain number of kids - you know, a number which often closely matches the number of kids in a Y1 class, for example. No, my child doesn’t want to not invite one of their friends so that your DH doesn’t have to look after his own toddler for the afternoon. If we wanted little Johnny to come, we would have invited him. As we didn’t, I think it’s fairly safe for you to assume that my DC wants to fill the limited available spaces at their own birthday party with their own friends, not a child they’ve never met. Yes, I appreciate that that means that you might not be able to come, which is a shame, but unfortunately that decision sits with you. It really isn’t reasonable to dump it in the lap of someone who already has 30 kids in their house and doesn’t really want to have 60. I don’t want to have to source different party bags for four different age groups or tailor the activities so your other children can do them too. Frankly, it was quite enough to be organising a party for one age group!

Phew. Rant over. Sorry, everyone. Back to the buying of horrendous plastic party bag tat…

Yes I was thinking that too

I think it's rather rude to ask if someone else can attend a party, but I also think that hosts should be prepared to watch all the kids at the party without any other parents staying, so those dropping off the invitee will be free to look after the sibling(s) themselves (somewhere else). That always worked for us. Other adults in our family or an adult friend or two would be on hand to help manage things, if necessary.

FWIW we had the reverse of this once - many of DD's preschool friends also had siblings around younger DSs age/know DS as he was at the nursery attached to the preschool so not uncommon for them to be invited to things together and for us to (I hope politely) check that was the case if it wasn't something he wasn't explicitly invited to. That being said, one time, DH took DD to a party thinking it was a "just her" thing - only to discover there were loads of kids around DS's age, loads of activities especially set up for kids that age and to be constantly asked "hey, so where's DS?".

(This being said, we also stopped doing this when we had a party and asked if it was meant for just DD or DD and DS, host said DS could come too but then got treated like I'd massively put them out by him being there - think they'd wanted to say "just DD, please" - which we would have had no problem with - but then felt they'd have been being rude. Although IIRC that was also one where DH was busy that afternoon so it would have been a case that we would have had to say no to DD going as well....not sure where I'm going with this but take from that what you will.)

Sorry OP as appreciate you were just having a rant but a) I don't think it's that big a deal to politely ask if it's just named child or siblings too and I personally would be mortified if one of my kids' friends turned down an invitation because they didn't have childcare for a sibling and it was a situation where it could have been accommodated/wouldn't have a problem with just politely saying "no" if I couldn't and b) I think you've shot yourself in the foot by not explicitly stating you can't accommodate siblings if it really is that big of a deal for you (and not stating it's a drop-and-go party - I'm less clear on that from original/other posts so apologies if you did! - which I'm guessing would have got rid of about half of the requests anyway).

Because, generally, you’re asking people to give up a chunk of their weekend for your child’s benefit. And that eats into time people might have as a family together.

don't push it.

The birthday child benefits, but so do all the guests! It might be boring as hell for parents, but their child is still offered a fun party, sometimes an activity, and that's 2 or 3 hours of the day filled without lifting a finger.

You don't accept an invitation just to "do a favour", it's a win win for everybody.

It is fine if they ask in advance and if you are able and willing to accommodate, - but often this is not possible. If it is a pay per head type of party they should offer or be told thats ok but they will have to cover the cost. If they turn up with siblings without prior warning and expect to be fed and entertained that is just plain rude. The way around this with places like soft play is to have a list of the names of who is invited and who you will be paying for at the entry point and tell the desk staff there are no exceptions and anyone else asking entry needs to pay their way. Sometimes it is nice to accommodate but there are always cheeky fuckers who see it as free entertainment for their kids.

Well the non-CF response would be to politely decline the invitation, not just turn up with the whole family.

You're totally right - I should have done. Tbh - I was so surprised by how rude she was that I was a bit speechless!

You don't accept an invitation just to "do a favour", it's a win win for everybody.

You see, I never saw it as a “win” for us. Other kids’ parties were a bit of a pain, to be honest - but they’re something you do to facilitate your child’s friendships and development (and, crassly, because you want people to turn out to celebrate your kids when it’s their turn). So I always did
see it as a bit of a favour for the hosts, I suppose.

It could all have been made clear by putting both their names on the invitation if they were both expected to be there 🤷🏻‍♀️
It’s actually a little bit thick to put your daughter’s name on the invite and then ask “where’s ds?”, don’t you think?
Most people are able to understand the concept of “Jemima’s been invited to a party on Saturday, that means just her; not Joanna and Jeremy also” perfectly well.
It’s so very simple really…

This

I do a party. I buy x number of party bags and food boxes

It's for a certain age group

Not for toddlers 3/4yrs younger

Plus some children like to go to a party for them. Not to have little sibling tag along

I find drop off at 3 and collect at 5 works well on invites

It depends on several factors.

• are parents expected to stick around? If yes they likely don't have anywhere else for the sibling to be, so the choice is then yours, accept a sibling or accept the invitee not being able to attend
• is the venue nearby? If it is close to the school then it's reasonable to expect most people to live within close distance so they can go home between drop off and pick up, if it's a 30 min drive away then potentially they'd have to hang out nearby whether parents are welcome to stay or not, which is a bit awkward with other kids.

Ultimately it's not rude to ask, it is rude to just rock up and leave extra kids with you.

It’s understandable, really.
Most people would baulk at prising something from a child’s grasp, however passed off they were.

It's like the wedding invites

Parents invited

Kids aren't

It's bad manners to ask if kids can come

Threads always say don't ask

So why is it ok to ask if extra children can come

If their name isnt on the invite they aren't welcome

*or pissed off, even…

Your post doesn't make any sense.

Kids parties are not meant to benefit you directly, but most kids aren't are happy enough to attend them because their own child will benefit from it.

I have never thought of us as doing other parents a favour by attending them and if someone felt this way about us, I'd be more than happy for them to decline.

We have 5 kids and work in unscheduled care so often there is only 1 of us here at the weekend. Because if that, my kids end up missing parties sometimes. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask as sometimes it’s the only way people can attend. It’s also fine to say no though if numbers/budget dictate this.

@pollykitty You let children come but told them they had to just sit here and not participate while everyone else was having fun? Wow.

And this - 'everyone's invited' well, people brought their extra children because you said everyone was invited so they weren't CF's and normally parents don't stay unless otherwise stipulated.

Only people who are CF's are those who bring their other children to parties they are not invited to. If the host wanted them there, they'd be on the initial invitation. People might think they are welcome but only because a lot of parents are too polite to say no when put in a position.

I’ll add, I don’t ever ask as I have so many kids and I feel it would seem incredibly cheeky compared to attending with a just a baby as the extra sibling for example.

Rude to turn up without checking. Not rude in the slightest to ask.

Plenty of people are single parents or shift workers.

You really imagine 4 extra kids would be ok to shoehorn into some kid’s party? <boggles>
How do you have the brass neck to even ask?

I can imagine! Think we expect others to behave as we would so it's always a bit of a stunned moment when you see someone not. Learning curve for the future I like to think.

You ask to bring four extra children?

It would have to be an enormous party to absorb that many without significantly increasing the costs and headcount.

Yep, these threads always amuse me how people cant see its just as rude to ask as it is to just turn up.

Dont get me started on the 'soft play' I pay for my extra kids bunch, its the most entitled batshittery Ive ever read, no thought for the child whos birthday it is and no thought for the sibling who was actually invited.

I added further down that I personally don’t ask due to family size- if I’m just bringing the baby along who will nap in her sling (EBF so I don’t leave her yet) then that’s very different to bringing the whole clan.

Well I'm in the minority I know, but I think they are CFs. It would never in a million years have occurred to me to ask if other children could attend. Very simple - If your name's not on the invite, you're not invited.

Lesson learnt for the next lot of invites though OP. Make sure you specify that they can drop and go and that unfortunately you do not have room for additional guests other than those named on the invite.