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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think it’s rude to try to being siblings to a party?

551 replies

Amillionyearsago · 08/06/2023 11:23

I know, I know - I missed a trick by not stating upfront on the invitation that we couldn’t have siblings. But seriously, I sent out some birthday party invitations this morning and have already had five requests that siblings come too. I have obviously replied politely to say that unfortunately we can’t do that this year, but AIBU to think that it’s really, really ill mannered, inconsiderate and entitled to ask and put people in that position in the first place?!

Most party entertainers will only accommodate a certain number of kids - you know, a number which often closely matches the number of kids in a Y1 class, for example. No, my child doesn’t want to not invite one of their friends so that your DH doesn’t have to look after his own toddler for the afternoon. If we wanted little Johnny to come, we would have invited him. As we didn’t, I think it’s fairly safe for you to assume that my DC wants to fill the limited available spaces at their own birthday party with their own friends, not a child they’ve never met. Yes, I appreciate that that means that you might not be able to come, which is a shame, but unfortunately that decision sits with you. It really isn’t reasonable to dump it in the lap of someone who already has 30 kids in their house and doesn’t really want to have 60. I don’t want to have to source different party bags for four different age groups or tailor the activities so your other children can do them too. Frankly, it was quite enough to be organising a party for one age group!

Phew. Rant over. Sorry, everyone. Back to the buying of horrendous plastic party bag tat…

OP posts:
NotQuiteHere · 08/06/2023 13:32

It looks like lots of people think it is not rude to ask. Do they think that it is not rude to ask anything? Is it not rude asking a lady you hardly know "Can you watch, feed and entertain my child while I am enjoying my Saturday?"

originalglazedsingle · 08/06/2023 13:32

It depends what people mean by "bring a sibling".

Normal and polite parent bring siblings, but keep them, entertain them with a book or tablet, or go to an activity without interfering. Perfectly normal.

When "bring a sibling" translate as leaving little ones messing the party and interfering, expect to have some of the food, cake and party bags, it's just rude and unfair on the birthday child. Toddlers running around ruining a party is not on.

prescribingmum · 08/06/2023 13:33

TheGrimSqueakersFlea · 08/06/2023 13:10

@prescribingmum It's got nothing to do with social skills. It's a bit entitled asking people to change plans and make room for siblings. If you say no you're then made to feel guilty about it. If their name isn't on the invitation they're not invited

It’s everything about social skills if politely saying no is that difficult.

When a parent asks if it is possible to bring a sibling, the majority are not intending for the host to change all their plans but merely asking if another child can fit in within existing plans. In my experience, they’ve always offered to pay as well. It is usually because they don’t have another option for the other child. So either they bring siblings or no one comes.

I would much rather they ask than don’t. Sometimes the party is such that I can’t accommodate and I will be upfront about it. No offence taken either way. Other times it can be done

I don’t advertise on invites to bring siblings because I don’t want every child’s sibling there but I will always try to work around those who otherwise wouldn’t be able to come.

femfemlicious · 08/06/2023 13:33

Not everyone has a husband or partner

Hannahsbananas · 08/06/2023 13:34

femfemlicious · 08/06/2023 13:33

Not everyone has a husband or partner

So you manage it, not expect the party host to manage it for you.
Why is it someone else’s problem?

MumblesParty · 08/06/2023 13:34

femfemlicious · 08/06/2023 13:33

Not everyone has a husband or partner

So if your child was invited to a drop-and-go party would you ask to drop their sibling off too?

Tophy124 · 08/06/2023 13:36

It’s rude to ask if it’s a drop and go party. If you’re expecting the parent to stay then you’re ignorant for assuming they are bringing the other child because ‘dad won’t watch them.’ You sound privileged as hell. Not everyone has a partner or childcare. I don’t think it’s rude to ask, nor is it rude for them to decline and you’re well within your right to say no but expect a smaller gathering. Any we have gone to all siblings are invited as they are low key events at a friends house.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 08/06/2023 13:37

Well - they asked you said no - what's the issue?! You yourself say you missed a trick by not putting it on the invite, so they ask. Would you rather they just rocked up with the extra kids?

MintJulia · 08/06/2023 13:38

TeaKitten · 08/06/2023 11:29

They ask, you say no, no harm done. Plenty of parents don’t mind so it’s fair to ask rather than assume and just say your child can’t attend. It’s not always that dad doesn’t want to watch his own kid, some of us are single parents, some have partners who work or are busy on weekends. You sound like a misery guts.

This.

Just say no if it doesn't work for you. There will be an occasion when numbers aren't as high as you would like to make a good party vibe, and you will be glad of extra children to bulk up the numbers.

bringincrazyback · 08/06/2023 13:38

WoolyMammoth55 · 08/06/2023 12:35

OP, bless you - you're taking this FAR too personally!

I have 2 and always ask. It makes my life so much easier when it's possible. When it's not possible I fully understand and take it with good grace, obviously.

I would never expect a party bag or any cake for the 'spare' sibling and I always bring my own treats for them so that they don't feel left out.

It sort of sounds like you (a) hate people with more than one child and (b) hate kids parties? You have my sympathy on the latter but not the former.

I think YABU and you should chill out. Hope the party goes great though!

Why do you expect other kids' mums to make life easier for you? Sorry but this is CF behaviour.

originalglazedsingle · 08/06/2023 13:38

When a parent asks if it is possible to bring a sibling, the majority are not intending for the host to change all their plans but merely asking if another child can fit in within existing plans.

realistically, the plans won't really accommodate for a different child - not part of the group of friends, especially when there's an age difference.

Hosts might be polite, but in most cases, siblings are a pain for everybody, they don't belong with the group! It's bearable in a class party - even if younger ones are a nuisance, but a smaller group? You plan for a group of boys and a little sister join in? It's not ideal

femfemlicious · 08/06/2023 13:39

MumblesParty · 08/06/2023 13:34

So if your child was invited to a drop-and-go party would you ask to drop their sibling off too?

Show quote history

Nope but my other daughter would have been welcome but can't stay without me staying due to ASD. When they were younger i always took her to any party her twin sister went to after asking if i could . Parties around here are not so precious and precise.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 08/06/2023 13:40

Trying to make the host feel too embarrassed to say no just isn’t considerate.

How are they making you feel embarrassed? What did they say - did they say something to your no they cannot bring siblings? They are asking if they can bring a sibling (s) - you feeling embarrassed by this really has nothing to do with them, im confused.

femfemlicious · 08/06/2023 13:41

Tophy124 · 08/06/2023 13:36

It’s rude to ask if it’s a drop and go party. If you’re expecting the parent to stay then you’re ignorant for assuming they are bringing the other child because ‘dad won’t watch them.’ You sound privileged as hell. Not everyone has a partner or childcare. I don’t think it’s rude to ask, nor is it rude for them to decline and you’re well within your right to say no but expect a smaller gathering. Any we have gone to all siblings are invited as they are low key events at a friends house.

👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿

bakebeans · 08/06/2023 13:45

I do think it's rude to assume that siblings are invited. I wouldn't dream of asking. Given in this day and age money is very tight for some families and there is sometimes the expectation that the entire class would be invited.

originalglazedsingle · 08/06/2023 13:45

It's rude to ask because you are putting the host on the spot and counting on them to be too polite and too kind to not say anything other than "of course you can".

If the host wanted to invite siblings, they would be on the invitation, with a clear "sibling welcome".
Unless it's there, the siblings are not invited and it's extremely rude to push them through unless you really keep them seated next to you doing their own things during the party, or keep them in a different part of the soft play etc.

cadburyegg · 08/06/2023 13:46

Hosts might be polite, but in most cases, siblings are a pain for everybody, they don't belong with the group! It's bearable in a class party - even if younger ones are a nuisance, but a smaller group? You plan for a group of boys and a little sister join in? It's not ideal

I have 2 boys and I've never had an issue with anyone's little sister "joining in". Strange comment.

At my 5yo's party, his best friend's parent also had to bring their younger sister, otherwise he wouldn't have been able to come and my 5yo would have been gutted. Having her join in wasn't a problem at all.

If the host explicitly doesn't want a sibling there, they can decline if the parent asks. Simples

Goodoccasionallypoor · 08/06/2023 13:47

Tophy124 · 08/06/2023 13:36

It’s rude to ask if it’s a drop and go party. If you’re expecting the parent to stay then you’re ignorant for assuming they are bringing the other child because ‘dad won’t watch them.’ You sound privileged as hell. Not everyone has a partner or childcare. I don’t think it’s rude to ask, nor is it rude for them to decline and you’re well within your right to say no but expect a smaller gathering. Any we have gone to all siblings are invited as they are low key events at a friends house.

But op has said that 'drop and go' is an option so you're just making the rest of it up.

Nothingisblackandwhite · 08/06/2023 13:47

Why is it rude ?? They asked you said no . Lots of venues can cater for siblings , play areas , parties in the park , parties in halls .
People often ask as they don’t have child care and you saying no will just mean the child can’t go .

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 08/06/2023 13:47

Depends on the party.

For a drop and run party it is rude to bring an extra child and asking is pretty rude too.

For a parents staying party at home or in a village hall type place rude to bring a sibling without asking, not necessarily rude to ask in advance if done politely and with caveats that you don't expect them to be fed, or get a party bag but the asker needs to remember that the host may have arranged activities with a cost per child or that are number specific.

For cost per child activities like soft play then the key is for the asker to make it clear that they will pay for the additional child and don't expect it to be fed. They should really give the host advance notice to avoid awkwardness.

I think the it is really important to make expectations clear on invitations.

When I was a kid we never had the sibling issue but we never had parents stay.

Hannahsbananas · 08/06/2023 13:50

you’re well within your right to say no but expect a smaller gathering
Honestly, no. I’ve never had wholesale declining of invitations when it became clear that the invite was extended to the named child only. Most people see this as perfectly normal.
I’ve never seen it happen to anyone else either 🙄

LaffTaff · 08/06/2023 13:50

My daughter is 13 now. When she was younger and we had parties every year for her, i'd always welcome siblings - it was appreciated that the parents were making the effort to come.
My daughter is an only one, so we've always let her ask a friend to come along on days out. She had one friend who's parents always asked if her older sister could come too (and on pricey days out that were our treat - zoo, safari park then meal out. And they never once returned the favour!). I wasn't quite as keen on that...

Hannahsbananas · 08/06/2023 13:52

Nothingisblackandwhite · 08/06/2023 13:47

Why is it rude ?? They asked you said no . Lots of venues can cater for siblings , play areas , parties in the park , parties in halls .
People often ask as they don’t have child care and you saying no will just mean the child can’t go .

If the birthday child wants something other than a “party in the park” that’s actually fine?
It doesn’t have to be tailored to suit uninvited guests 😂

Isolationendurance · 08/06/2023 13:52

I blithely brought little brother along every time because I didn't have anything else to do with him. Perhaps I was secretly hated but I'm finding it hard to care.

Minniem2020 · 08/06/2023 13:54

I really don't think it's rude to ask. I've done it a couple of times, but I wouldn't have been offended if they'd said no.
I was happy for people to bring siblings to DSs party earlier this year.