AIBU to think it’s rude to try to being siblings to a party?

[Amillionyearsago]

I know, I know - I missed a trick by not stating upfront on the invitation that we couldn’t have siblings. But seriously, I sent out some birthday party invitations this morning and have already had five requests that siblings come too. I have obviously replied politely to say that unfortunately we can’t do that this year, but AIBU to think that it’s really, really ill mannered, inconsiderate and entitled to ask and put people in that position in the first place?!

Most party entertainers will only accommodate a certain number of kids - you know, a number which often closely matches the number of kids in a Y1 class, for example. No, my child doesn’t want to not invite one of their friends so that your DH doesn’t have to look after his own toddler for the afternoon. If we wanted little Johnny to come, we would have invited him. As we didn’t, I think it’s fairly safe for you to assume that my DC wants to fill the limited available spaces at their own birthday party with their own friends, not a child they’ve never met. Yes, I appreciate that that means that you might not be able to come, which is a shame, but unfortunately that decision sits with you. It really isn’t reasonable to dump it in the lap of someone who already has 30 kids in their house and doesn’t really want to have 60. I don’t want to have to source different party bags for four different age groups or tailor the activities so your other children can do them too. Frankly, it was quite enough to be organising a party for one age group!

Phew. Rant over. Sorry, everyone. Back to the buying of horrendous plastic party bag tat…

It is rude. If the name isn’t on the invite they aren't invited. It's not OK to decline the invite in such a way that the host is guilt tripped into offering to have siblings.

Having been burnt by randoms turning up without warning it became a thing locally to only having named boxes for each child's party food (also made it easier with allergies and a fair distribution of the food) and a named party bag. We all found that it resolved the CF problem quite quickly.

Ask first and always offer to pay for extra child and bring own food necessary.
I had one parent who used to come with her other 2 children, and when it came to eating, promptly sit them down at the table( unlike the other siblings in attendance)-I had to ask them to move to make room for the invitees. Then they’d queue for a party bag at the end. Awkward.

Have to say I have found it awkward when parents asked to bring siblings - due to the numbers at our venue we had no extra space. It might have been me suffering from being English though as all the parents were lovely about a polite no.

I have found when I am struggling for childcare (mine is reception year and dropping isn’t really done here) people do seem to be fine with me leaving my eldest in the care of another parent. Luckily I am friendly with a few of the mums and dads so if I am stuck I can text one and ask if they would mind taking the two for me. It’s tended to solve any issues. A bottle of wine as thanks or the offer to do the same for them sweetens the deal.

Why do they need to come? Mine are teenagers now but the only parties I remember all parents being present at were preschool parties. Parents that had other children/things to do just asked if it was ok if they didn't stay. Which was fine by me, in fact better that having too many people hanging around.

I agree with telling other families 'no', OP.

I think it's reasonable to 'ask' to bring siblings along, and only 'ask', as long as the asking party is prepared to graciously and immediately understand and accept a 'no'

Parents who have genuine childcare issues, and I don't mean parents with spouses/partners who can't be arsed to look after their own children, should then look to ask if they can 'dump and run' as you say, or ask if another attending parent can keep an eye on their child so they can attend. If neither option works, then decline.

But it is definitely rude to demand, press, argue, provide sob stories, try to sneak in multiple children, etc ... then expect them to receive appropriate party bags, food, etc ... or not collect on time. A lot of cheeky fucker parents out there.

This!

Tell people to drop and go. Problem solved.

It's not always possible to drop and go if you're a single mum and have a child with disabilities or complex needs.

I can understand asking, but especially if it’s a toddler and your kids are significantly older, parents should be able to figure out that the answer will be no. What would be rude is if they just showed up. You’re offering a day of fun centred around what your child wants, not free childcare

A few years back I arranged a birthday party for my child at a local restaurant (they hosted children’s parties, provided an entertainer, food, events etc).

Everyone RSVP’d except one women - let’s call her Mary - who didn’t and ignored my chase message so I thought that her child wasn’t coming.

I went out, bought party bags, bought each child a Mr Man or Little Miss book plus a few treats. I handmade individual name tags for each bag (yes I spent way too much time on primary school parties! 😂).

The day rolls around and not only does Mary turn up with her child, but she also brings its sibling in a party dress, who hands over a sheet of folded A4 with Happy Birthday scrawled on it.

I then had a blind panic of having to go out and buy a gift bag and put items in it for Mary’s invited but didn’t respond child.

Oh and to make it even better she refused to eat any of the provided party food (which was really nice and other parents were tucking in to happily) but I later found out that she’d ordered food from the menu for her and sibling child and charged it to my bill.

Still rankles with me all these years later.

I have had three children with a combined total of about 20 parties when they were younger and can honestly say that I was never asked if a sibling could come !
I think it is rude and children were just dropped off and collected at the end of the party. Parents never stayed because I had enough help with husband and the grandmas and a couple of friends.

Absolutely nothing wrong with asking (politely). As long as they realise the answer might be no and they accept that gracefully. Obviously if they’re bad mannered and entitled then that’s another matter but asking in itself is not rude.

Surely you would leave the invited child at the party and then take the other one for a walk and/or to a cafe for a treat? Sometimes the other mothers and siblings would all do something else together.

Totally depends. In the main I’d rather people ask than just decline because logistically they can’t work it out. I think the etiquette around our area is

• ask if it’s a hall party
• ask and comminicate that of course you will pay/pay entry if it’s at a soft play type place
• don’t ask if the party would be wildly unsuitable for the age of the sibling e.g toddler at a laser tag party.

I do t know if anyone has seen the tik tok with the American mum saying you invite one child you get us all - that’s mum and dad and I think six kids of various ages.

she won’t let her kids go to parties of their siblings aren’t invited because she thinks it’s rude and unfair on her other children.

nor that’s bonkers! Older kids will never get to go to parties because their toddler sister will never be invited to a nerf gun party!!

I appreciate it awkward when people ask and you have to say no - but at least they aren’t turning up without asking

I don't think it's rude to ask, I've always accommodated siblings but parents have offered to pay for them.

I'm a single parent and therefore I've asked if I can drop and go or if they'd prefer I'd bring my other child and pay. If none of those options were available I just wouldn't be able to go.

Surely it's ruder just to turn up with siblings? I wouldn't feel bad if you cant accommodate though.

I think it's ok to ask the question as long as they happily accept no for an answer

Not unreasonable to ask, it would have been unreasonable of them to turn up with the siblings expecting them to be allowed to join in.

I think if there are childcare issues it’s ok to politely ask.

What really annoys me is when they ask to bring siblings and then also bring their partner! There’s two families in my child’s class who do this regularly and I can’t understand it at all.

This annoys me as well. It feels like it's just a free day out for them rather than being about the birthday child.

Its unheard of apart from on MN. Its extremely cheeky and entitled and puts the host in a difficult position. If the children were invited their names would be on the inviation. It isn't rocket science. And to just turn up with a brood of extra children!!

I also think it is rude/entitled. It's simple to me that you take one child to a party and do something else with your other one or two.

@MaxwellCat why as a single does it mean your kids can't attend parties? I'm single and just drop the invited child off and do something else with my other kids? They learn not every invite is theirs and they have their own friends parties to attend. Genuinely curious not wanting you to feel judged at all.

Ok to ask, ok to say no.

You might that once some invitees have declined, you have some spaces.

People may not always realise that for a village hall party with an entertainer, the entertainer has strict number limits. It's not 'the more the merrier' regardless of space, or parents bringing their own food or party bags.

I think asking is rude. I’ve had people ask in the past and have felt obliged to say yes even though I don’t really want them there.

Absolutely! The second parent, usually the 'dad', should have been responsible with the sibling(s) elsewhere! And then they all expect to be catered for, too.