AIBU to think it’s rude to try to being siblings to a party?

[Amillionyearsago]

I know, I know - I missed a trick by not stating upfront on the invitation that we couldn’t have siblings. But seriously, I sent out some birthday party invitations this morning and have already had five requests that siblings come too. I have obviously replied politely to say that unfortunately we can’t do that this year, but AIBU to think that it’s really, really ill mannered, inconsiderate and entitled to ask and put people in that position in the first place?!

Most party entertainers will only accommodate a certain number of kids - you know, a number which often closely matches the number of kids in a Y1 class, for example. No, my child doesn’t want to not invite one of their friends so that your DH doesn’t have to look after his own toddler for the afternoon. If we wanted little Johnny to come, we would have invited him. As we didn’t, I think it’s fairly safe for you to assume that my DC wants to fill the limited available spaces at their own birthday party with their own friends, not a child they’ve never met. Yes, I appreciate that that means that you might not be able to come, which is a shame, but unfortunately that decision sits with you. It really isn’t reasonable to dump it in the lap of someone who already has 30 kids in their house and doesn’t really want to have 60. I don’t want to have to source different party bags for four different age groups or tailor the activities so your other children can do them too. Frankly, it was quite enough to be organising a party for one age group!

Phew. Rant over. Sorry, everyone. Back to the buying of horrendous plastic party bag tat…

Being looked after by the parent who will now be having to attend the party?

Had this at my now 18 year olds 5th birthday, turned into a massive party which was great but turned sour, I kid ye not, when party bags were given to the invited, not their siblings who were never invited. 3 parents actually had the audacity to ask me where the party bags were after having a magician, bouncy castle, hook a duck etc, plus food and drink for hours on end. CFs. Enjoy the day but delight in telling the CFs politely 'NO' not today.

I totally get where you are coming from it’s incredibly annoying being constantly asked. As others have said it is not unreasonable to ask and not unreasonable for you to say no. If they push back against the ‘no’ that is unreasonable as is just turning up with additional siblings on the day without asking and expecting them to join in!

If you don’t want to give plastic tat in party bags a book and bar of chocolate/bag of sweets has been an excellent solution at many parties we have been too. kids have been happy too.

I would think only the child mentioned on the invitation is expected at the party, no? Yes I have had gate-crashers too, but I always asked the parents to take the extra siblings back home with them. (Where I live parents don't stay at the party, they do bringing & pick-up). We always had big parties (well over 20 children) and mentioning I wouldn't be able to watch little Johny or Becky usually was enough. It was the truth too!

We recently did a whole class party. So 30 in a village hall

I factored that some wouldn't come and some would bring a sibling

2-3 asked if the could bring their toddler as DH away for work

Some just turned up with the sibling

No biggie. The toddlers don't usually eat or expect a party bag

I don’t mind our children have siblings so we’d often suggest to a few parents that siblings would be welcome ( often siblings friends/ classmates) I’d expect folk who bring siblings to paid parties in soft play pay for siblings separately.

I’d rather they asked than assumed. When I’ve had an entertainer at a village hall, numbers haven’t really been an issue. Siblings always welcome. When it’s been at a pay per person venue such as soft play then we usually just say that parent can pay their sibling in separately but won’t get the party food - they often buy something from the cafe instead. Don’t see the massive issue. For me it’s not that daddy won’t look after the toddler. It’s that I’m a single parent and daddy was working 200 miles away that weekend and we don’t have other childcare. If it’s a drop off party then there’s no issue as I would be have stoped off siblings and wouldn’t accommodate dropped off siblings. But I’d the parents are hanging about them it’s never been an issue. I’ve always asked though and never assumed.

I’ve always factored this in to be fair, but I’ve never invited the entire class as a lot of the time they’re are at our house, fortunately the people we’ve invited we know well or if not I know they’ve got siblings so I’m not bothered and often have said bring the siblings. Easier when they get older and parents can drop and run!

I’m of the opinion that you do what you can for people who need it and usually you’ll get those favours returned.

If the parent has no other childcare available and they’ve asked up front I’d be happy (have accommodated this few times in past and have asked for my own DCs too).

I mean, resenting a few extra kids once year for probably max of about 6/8 parties is low vibe imo.

Throw some extra sweets in a bag and buy a platter of Aldi cupcakes. If you’re throwing a party for 30 anyway then the extra tenner is neither here nor there Christ, can’t imagine being a person who says no to this. (There’s no way every single person has an additional child to bring and some of the invited wont attend anyway)

YANBU. I’m with you OP.

I have 2 DC. When a birthday party invite comes home, if both DC’s names are on it they can both go. If just 1 child’s name is on there, they are the only one invited unless it explicitly states siblings welcome. It’s that simple, the hosts intend to cater for the invited child only for a variety of reasons (cost, space, and, you know, wanting the birthday child to have the type of party they want with their own friends the same age as them being most likely) and therefore it IS rude to ask if the other child can attend.

My DC are now both old enough to be dropped and left, so no issue with childcare for the other one, but when they were very young and needed a parent to accompany, one of us would take invited child to the party, the other would have some one to one time with their sibling. If one of us were busy, we would ask grandparent/auntie etc to have the uninvited child. On the very rare occasion that I wasn’t able to get childcare for the uninvited child, I declined the invite. I did not say this was due to no childcare for the sibling, the hosts have enough on their plate organising their child’s party and I did not want to guilt them into thinking they had to accommodate both children. My childcare ( or lack thereof) was not their problem. Children in reception class get so many party invites anyway missing the odd one was not the end of the world.

The party the OP is hosting is at her own house, surely it is ministry of the bleeding obvious that space will be an issue and she would not just simply be able to accommodate everyone who asks to bring a sibling (or 4!) She is also happy with drop and run (and neurotypical and able bodied children in year 1 upwards for the most part are fine for drop and leave and do not need a helicopter parent hovering over them)

I did one whole class party for DD when she was in reception. We had parents just turn up with uninvited younger siblings (both parents that is so childcare clearly not an issue), a parent text me on the morning of the party asking if her younger DC who was in DS nursery class could come just because he wanted to, and a couple even bought their older secondary age DC who skulked around being moody and then tried to help themselves to food before food time). Needless to say that was the first and last time we did a whole class party, after that for both DC it was a specific activity for 10-15 kids with names of the invitees given to staff at the venue to tick off when the arrived.

I don't understand why siblings need to attend unless you are a single parent with zero options for childcare. Surely for the birthday kid, its about having their friends there, not randoms. And with anything, the cost and need for space etc increases. I'd only ask if I had tried other options, otherwise it seems rude.

Although they may have started a MN thread about you 😅

when they were very young and needed a parent to accompany, one of us would take invited child to the party, the other would have some one to one time with their sibling. If one of us were busy, we would ask grandparent/auntie etc to have the uninvited child. On the very rare occasion that I wasn’t able to get childcare for the uninvited child, I declined the invite. I did not say this was due to no childcare for the sibling, the hosts have enough on their plate organising their child’s party and I did not want to guilt them into thinking they had to accommodate both children. My childcare ( or lack thereof) was not their problem.

Yes, this seems ideal, but you must see that not everyone is in the envious position of having a partner, grandparent or auntie usually available to babysit. It is sometimes tougher for people to organise things, it just is. And yes, I know it's not the hosts issue, but sometimes they really don't mind helping people out if they can, so that kids won't miss out. Life is hard enough, a little help can go a long way.

Year R we had 30 girls and I don’t remember a single person either asking to bring, or turning up with a sibling…

I only have one child so it’s never been an issue for me personally, I’ve been to parties where siblings have come along though.

Asking isn’t rude though, unless you’d stated on the invites and they still asked. (Which you didn’t)

If there's two parents, one should be looking after the other child.

Since when did parents stay at parties anyway? I don't remember my parents ever staying at a party.

So, what did you do? I would have told the parent either control them and stop them taking over or they can leave, now!

I wouldn't have asked this. It's a bit cheeky and entitled.

Exactly this. We are in the very fortunate position of having most weekends where neither parent works, grandparents live close by and willing to help if free plus a large social network who help each other out. As a result, I’ve never needed to ask to bring a sibling but I can acknowledge it is because we are so fortunate rather than berating parents who aren’t so lucky.

Sadly it would be the same children missing out again and again if other parents weren’t flexible. When I’m hosting, their lack of childcare may not be my problem but I am always happy to help if it is possible.

It’s not rude but the parents should always RSVP and include the siblings.

I had a party for my son and the room was capped at 16 children (15 were invited + birthday boy , and all 15 RSVP’d). However 2 failed to mention they were bringing siblings (which we were able to accomodate as we had an adults table adjacent to the kids table they could sit at). What was annoying was the siblings took the seats in the kids room and ate allocated food and drinks which we had to scramble to sort out during the meal. (Adult table had pizzas, chips and sandwiches ).

I don’t understand who would bring siblings to a party but not let the host know at all. Some warning would be nice.

In our area there are no drop off parties (bar ours) and the children are in Y3. That’s roughly 25 parties a year we need childcare for, for 4 years of school - so 100 times so far if siblings aren’t allowed. Considering we’re busy working parents with no family in the area, I think that’s quite a lot to expect. For younger years etc. it’s different, but it would help to have extra drop-off parties as Children get older. Obviously as a parent you should ask if it’s ok, but as the person holding the party you consider what you know about attendees too. I’d usually be ok for siblings to come, equally, I always say parents can stay at a drop off if they want to, but I also think trying to navigate so many parties with older children where parents are expected to attend makes it more complex. I don’t think it’s rude to ask if siblings can attend and would usually try to help out another parent in that situation, but I do think it’s bizarre to continue to be expected to attend parties with a group of 8yo!

You mention you didn't put on the invite that siblings couldn't come but did you put they could drop and run?

I would never drop and run unless specified. I suspect all these parent who would need to bring siblings would take this option if offered.

That way you DC friends can all attend and you have less numbers in your house as there's less parents too.

My husband always worked weekends so we've always had to ask to take siblings. Never been an issue, I either just pay them in the soft play or parent tells me they're happy for a drop and run.

I don’t think it’s rude to ask?? And it hardly puts you in a difficult position - it’s easy just to say “I’m so sorry but we’re limited on numbers due to the entertainer so it’s invitees only”

It's vvvv rude but luckily dd school the mums are not rude and it's never been an issue..yet. Yanbu

It's not rude to ask, they might have a very good reason. But if they have more than one child and don't have childcare for the sibling, is there a reason why they can't drop and go? If I really couldn't accommodate siblings due to numbers, and at least suggest that. Have you suggested that?