AIBU to think it’s rude to try to being siblings to a party?

[Amillionyearsago]

I know, I know - I missed a trick by not stating upfront on the invitation that we couldn’t have siblings. But seriously, I sent out some birthday party invitations this morning and have already had five requests that siblings come too. I have obviously replied politely to say that unfortunately we can’t do that this year, but AIBU to think that it’s really, really ill mannered, inconsiderate and entitled to ask and put people in that position in the first place?!

Most party entertainers will only accommodate a certain number of kids - you know, a number which often closely matches the number of kids in a Y1 class, for example. No, my child doesn’t want to not invite one of their friends so that your DH doesn’t have to look after his own toddler for the afternoon. If we wanted little Johnny to come, we would have invited him. As we didn’t, I think it’s fairly safe for you to assume that my DC wants to fill the limited available spaces at their own birthday party with their own friends, not a child they’ve never met. Yes, I appreciate that that means that you might not be able to come, which is a shame, but unfortunately that decision sits with you. It really isn’t reasonable to dump it in the lap of someone who already has 30 kids in their house and doesn’t really want to have 60. I don’t want to have to source different party bags for four different age groups or tailor the activities so your other children can do them too. Frankly, it was quite enough to be organising a party for one age group!

Phew. Rant over. Sorry, everyone. Back to the buying of horrendous plastic party bag tat…

Well if it's the norm where you are to have parties in unsecured environments with free access to the public then most people would know because it's, well, the norm.

As PP said they had a designated adult for any unaccompanied children because it was agreed beforehand, so I would have thought it's something that would be mentioned at the time to not cause any confusion for the 'stupid' people.

Although I have never hosted a party where I didn't factor in enough adults to supervise or else I would tell parents they had to stay (if they were very young and as you say, toilet trips as they couldn't go themselves).

It's really not difficult to communicate what is expected instead of being offended afterwards.

But if you don’t specify that you expect them to stay how should they know? As you can see from this thread different people have different expectations and preferences here.

If the birthday child wants no younger children, then the parents need to reserve the whole place

How does that even make sense when you have CF's bringing siblings anyway whether they were invited or not... reserving the place solves nothing.

Happily parents around here seem to have sufficient common sense and concern for their children's safety and welfare to realise that safeguarding does not go out the window simply because it's a children's party.

I've never had to spell it out to anyone that abandoning their young child in a chaotic hall with public access and traffic outside without expressly confirming that I or other responsible adult will be keeping a close eye is a bad idea, and I've never needed it spelled out to me.

It’s not rude to ask IMO, I never mind at all. Village hall type ones are always a yes, the more the merrier, from me, soft play ones I make it clear that the parents need to pay admission and sort food but it’s fine with me and I include them with cake etc. It makes life much easier if there’s a cancellation too with a soft play party as I just ‘upgrade’ a sibling and we’ve still got decent numbers.

My kids are generally friends with nice children who have nice siblings though, I might feel differently if there some really boisterous kids that would change the dynamic massively.

It’s only rude if the parent involved shows up with children without asking!

I seem to live in a parallel universe to many on this thread and am eternally grateful for it.

There is a lot of common sense amongst parents of DC friends and classmates - not a single parent has drop and run for any venue with access to the public unless they had arranged for another parent to mind their child beforehand. Even when privately hiring, parents have still checked if ok to do/someone else happy to mind child

I have been asked before if siblings can attend due to childcare and happily facilitated wherever possible. I have never been offended in them asking - if it is small group/at capacity and not possible, I just politely tell them. I am not going to include it on an invite as my DC party is for them and their friends, not all siblings too BUT I will help another parent if they are stuck. If drop off was an option and a parent asked about a sibling, I would phrase it in such a way that if a sibling is attending, there is a clear expectation for parent to stay - I do agree that hosting a party is not free childcare for a family with multiple kids but fortunately the parents of children in both my DC class are reasonable

In every single case, the sibling did not drastically change the dynamic, parent watched them and intervened if necessary and also did not allow the sibling to eat/take a party bag unless specifically offered. I would not have been afraid of using my mouth if said siblings appeared to be taking over a younger child party and kindly asking all older children to step back/asking entertainer to focus on younger children/let younger children take food or party bag first etc.

No doubt there are some parents that take the piss but it seems to me that many people on here take offence at everything and find simple communication a major inconvenience

An invitation is for the person named on the invite. It's extremely rude to presume it means the rest of the family as well.

I think the problem here is some people are talking exclusively about busy, chaotic, public venues and others are talking about private parties.

Admittedly my children have all went to small village schools (think composite classes where even then they don't reach full capacity) so we haven't had huge parties and I have always used private venues (barring once a tennis club but we had an adult supervising the door and I invited parents to stay beforehand).

But the question was about asking for extra dc to attend. Even at the tennis club party which was more like a disco, no one brought extra dc along and if they did it would have made it stressful in terms of extra party favours, extra food and really just having children there who weren't friends with my mine and were different ages. It's all fine and well saying they could bring their own food and not get involved but it's not very nice for the extra child/children to have to sit out so you feel you have to.

If you are having a big do and haven't factored in supervising the amount of children you have invited then just say to the parents instead of calling them names behind their back or not inviting their child afterwards. I have honestly never planned something without taking that into account and would (and have) simply let parents know if they are needed to stay if I'm unable to facilitate them being looked after. After that it's everyone's choice if they come or not.

Glad I've only got one under teenage age now if people can't manage children's parties anymore.

Yes I think it is very rude. You either have childcare for the siblings/ drop and go/ ask a friend to take yours aswell or decline the invite. Its not hard!

the point was that you would get offended by the presence of a younger child in a soft play! When a party is booked in such a public place, it's obviously not an issue if there are other children.

Bringing another children and sending them to join a party is beyond rude. Being in the same building opened to anyone is absolutely fine, why would you care?

If it's my kid's party I'd rather be asked, can't always accommodate but always try. Sometimes an invited child or two drops out so there's space, sometimes I have a whole hall and a mate doing the entertaining. I would be sad to have someone miss out on coming because they were worried to ask me about a sibling! And I would want the sibling to fully participate too of course, if they wanted to.

If someone shows up without telling you it's unfair as you haven't chance to plan. Even a text on te morning would help if they're stuck.

Yet again you are not getting it or being deliberately obtuse. Random kids with other families are not going to follow their sibling who at a party around. If you bring a sibling and pay for them to use the facility that is exactly what they will do. It affects the dynamics of the party because the child wants to be with everyone else unless they are a baby or very small toddler. Sigh.

You can't call me obtuse when you are deliberately ignoring most of my posts.

Maybe actually READ what I wrote? Even in a soft play, you PARENT and you don't "let the sibling follow around". I know lazy parenting is a thing on MN, but it's really not that hard to entertain one child while the other is doing something else.

If you manage to prevent the siblings to run around in the middle of a football match, join in a nativity or dance show, you can manage to do the same in a party. I guarantee you most parents manage perfectly well.

This is just not a ‘thing’ in Ireland . Certainly not where I live in Dublin. It would be considered extremely rude and presumptuous to ask if siblings could attend .
Invitation is pretty strictly for the named child only !

Yawn. This is getting boring now. The child is IN the bloody soft play, up a slide or going down a tube etc. You gonna crawl in there and stop them following the birthday party? Nope coz you are not allowed. It is not the same as a fecking football match or a dance recital. Your uninvited child will be having the same experience as the party people. You have PAID for them to do that!

I'm in Ireland too (not Dublin) and at the soft play parties typically thrown here for junior/senior infants (ages 5-6) parents often stay with younger siblings who they pay in themselves. Sometimes they pay for food for them too to have with the others, but this is done in consultation with whoever's hosting the party (the venue does chips, nuggets etc).This is the custom at our school and is common practice. However, if parents drop and go they don't leave uninvited siblings behind.
So I think it depends on what's considered okay in the local area and that seems to vary a bit - which causes problems as expectations differ.

I once had a Mum turn up with 2 younger siblings and 2 other children she was looking after - didn't ask if it was OK and also sent them to sit down at the table for tea and when I said that I only had enough chairs for invited guests she got a bit stroppy and told them just to grab some food and go and sit on the floor with it!! Her child wasn't invited again! 🙄

My experience of soft play parties is that they're fairly informal even when exclusively booked. I've never seen a similar aged sibling cause problems at one.

Bloody hell, that’s harsh!

YABsoooooooU

I've always asked if I can bring younger DC and have offered to pay separately. None of the parents (over 22 parties) have ever had an issue with that.

Only on mumsnet where everyone is normally overly British polite is everyone suddenly saying it’s not rude. Where is the eye roll button. Of course it’s rude. Not the hosts problem what your reasons are. If it was anything other than a kids party you’d make a plan for the sibling not invited.

What would the sibling be doing if the other one wasn't at a party?
Surely they would be doing whatever they would have been doing otherwise.

I didn’t mind siblings coming but if you have to restrict numbers then of course you can’t take extras. And you’re being logical, if several brought their child’s siblings then you’d have a huge number above who you’d invited. I can see how it can be seen as rude to ask but I think it’s ok to ask and ok to say you can’t. Sometimes there’s a good reason like a single mom or a circumstance where it would be helpful.

At my kids school, it’s much more the norm for parents to drop and go rather than bring various siblings along. Maybe you could reply saying sorry not space for siblings but please feel free to drop Edward off and pick up later?