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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think it’s rude to try to being siblings to a party?

551 replies

Amillionyearsago · 08/06/2023 11:23

I know, I know - I missed a trick by not stating upfront on the invitation that we couldn’t have siblings. But seriously, I sent out some birthday party invitations this morning and have already had five requests that siblings come too. I have obviously replied politely to say that unfortunately we can’t do that this year, but AIBU to think that it’s really, really ill mannered, inconsiderate and entitled to ask and put people in that position in the first place?!

Most party entertainers will only accommodate a certain number of kids - you know, a number which often closely matches the number of kids in a Y1 class, for example. No, my child doesn’t want to not invite one of their friends so that your DH doesn’t have to look after his own toddler for the afternoon. If we wanted little Johnny to come, we would have invited him. As we didn’t, I think it’s fairly safe for you to assume that my DC wants to fill the limited available spaces at their own birthday party with their own friends, not a child they’ve never met. Yes, I appreciate that that means that you might not be able to come, which is a shame, but unfortunately that decision sits with you. It really isn’t reasonable to dump it in the lap of someone who already has 30 kids in their house and doesn’t really want to have 60. I don’t want to have to source different party bags for four different age groups or tailor the activities so your other children can do them too. Frankly, it was quite enough to be organising a party for one age group!

Phew. Rant over. Sorry, everyone. Back to the buying of horrendous plastic party bag tat…

OP posts:
NutellaNut · 08/06/2023 18:23

YANBU. If every child brought siblings, you might have 2 or 3 times the number your child wants to invite - many of whom they don’t even know.

Hannahsbananas · 08/06/2023 18:24

Heronwatcher · 08/06/2023 18:19

Why an earth is it rude to ask? Bringing them without asking or when you’ve said no is rude, not taking no for an answer is rude, but asking is absolutely fine.

It’s putting the party host on the spot, which is quite irritating.
Most people who “just ask” are obviously hoping to guilt the host into saying “well, ok then, you can bring Charlie’s little sister”, because they already know damn well that little sister has not been invited.
If it was a family invite it would have been made very clear.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 08/06/2023 18:26

Lemonsole · 08/06/2023 18:19

Drop and run was the norm from year R when mine were small. You only invited as many as you could handle.

Absolutely, I have never took my kids to a party where I was expected to stay and never expected parents to stay, I remember one year when my youngest ds was maybe 9 or 10 and we had a party at a soft play place. One of the parents stayed and actually sat down at the table with the rest of the kids to eat, it was bloody hilarious.

TrueScrumptious · 08/06/2023 18:26

mynameisnotthis2 · 08/06/2023 18:16

I would not have been happy for every parent to drop off and leave for my sons 5th birthday party, leaving me, my partner and my mum in charge of about 20 4/5year olds. I would not have wanted the responsibility of that!

I'm not sure when it's expected to drop off and not stay but I'm guessing when children start to have smaller parties and not whole class parties. Maybe from year 2/3

I think it's ok to ask if you really don't have childcare, but a bit cheeky if you are just hoping the party can entertain all your children for that day. Most parents will understand a genuine childcare issue.

Show quote history

“Drop and run” from reception onwards. Obviously, you don’t invite 20 children. Whole class parties are not a thing where I am.

pukepoint3 · 08/06/2023 18:32

wingingit1987 · 08/06/2023 14:37

We have 5 kids and work in unscheduled care so often there is only 1 of us here at the weekend. Because if that, my kids end up missing parties sometimes. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask as sometimes it’s the only way people can attend. It’s also fine to say no though if numbers/budget dictate this.

Please tell me you don't ask if you can bring 4 siblings.

mynameisnotthis2 · 08/06/2023 18:33

TrueScrumptious · 08/06/2023 18:26

“Drop and run” from reception onwards. Obviously, you don’t invite 20 children. Whole class parties are not a thing where I am.

Show quote history

I was invited to a constant stream of them all through reception and did one for my child to reciprocate. He's now in year one and they seem to be tailing off, thankfully.

Am in the south west.

EsmeSusanOgg · 08/06/2023 18:35

Lemonsole · 08/06/2023 18:01

I can't believe how much the culture of children's parties seems to have changed. If one child is invited, how on Earth does that create a childcare problem? You drop off the party goer, and do something with the other ones until it's time to pick up. Children benefit from learning from an early age that their siblings will sometimes have events going on with their friends that don't involve them.

And asking? Sheesh: if the party giver wanted you and your other children there? They'd have invited you.

Age of children. Drop off parties don't tend to happen until the children are a little older (7 seems to be the norm around here). So parties for younger children, especially under 5s can create a logistics issue for some people.

Aaaaandbreathe · 08/06/2023 18:52

EsmeSusanOgg · 08/06/2023 15:47

Well yes, but when I said not clear - I followed up less than 30 seconds later with context of when a lot of people wouldn't mind, and it would not be considered rude to ask. You and another person then responded to the first point after I had explained that context.

AIBU loves to present everything as black and white when it rarely is. A poster commented about uninvited siblings ruining a bowling party and taking the turns of invited guests - absolutely rude and unacceptable. And I think all by the cheekiest of CFs would agree.

But I think someone asking if they can bring their baby with them to a stay-and-play party, especially if there are childcare issues would be reasonable. You then have the grey-ish area, where someone asks if they can pay for their younger child to come to a softplay centre in order to allow their older child to attend the party (I think a lot depends here on whether there is alternative childcare available or not... But also this scenario is often spelt out as a yes or no on invites from my experience).

I think as the parties get smaller and the kids older, it is clearly ruder/ less appropriate to ask. Especially for drop-off parties.

It's all contextual really. I think half the commentors (me included) are arguing at cross purposes on this. Mostly because we're trying to shoehorn an all or nothing response in.

Apologies also if I have come across a bit unclear or cranky. I'm still topped up on antibiotics et al with a kidney infection. I have a combination of feeling wretched (on top of being 30 weeks) and cabin fever.

Show quote history

You aren't coming across cranky at all.

I would say that if it is somewhere like a soft play then it's a public place so if you needed to, you could take your other dc and be separate from the party.

I don't think anyone is arguing over if parents are expected to stay then a baby would be unwelcome (they wouldn't be involved the the party or eating the food), just those bringing other dc who DO expect to fully be involved.

I've normally done pay per head parties so that is likely why I take the stance I have (although tbh I wouldn't like any extra dc turning up at a party at home because it changes the dynamics and then I would feel stressed about extra food and party bags etc).

I hope you feel better soon Flowers

EarthlyNightshade · 08/06/2023 18:55

Also, have swimming parties.
Parents are less likely to stay/bring along siblings if they are expected to get into the pool.

Goldbar · 08/06/2023 18:56

ZeroFuchsGiven · 08/06/2023 18:26

Absolutely, I have never took my kids to a party where I was expected to stay and never expected parents to stay, I remember one year when my youngest ds was maybe 9 or 10 and we had a party at a soft play place. One of the parents stayed and actually sat down at the table with the rest of the kids to eat, it was bloody hilarious.

Show quote history

I haven't been to a party yet where it was expected that I would leave my 5yo. Maybe that will come next year.

And it would have been impossible for the host parents adequately to supervise all the children in many of the venues we've been to. Attractive as some child-free time is, I'd rather pass on leaving a small child in a busy hall with 30 or so other children running around which leads straight onto a car park, supervised by a harassed host mum who is also trying simultaneously to sort the food and games. I'd actually like to still have my child after the party, thanks.

Absolem76 · 08/06/2023 19:00

It's isn't rude. Some people don't have anyone who can look after the sibling, even if they have a partner there could be loads of reasons why they are not available.
So no it isn't rude to ask and it's not rude to say sorry no.

originalglazedsingle · 08/06/2023 19:04

changeyerheadworzel · 08/06/2023 17:31

Would you be bringing your other child if there was no party on? Nope. You are bringing a smaller child to a party without being invited, without even at least asking. So your younger child never makes any contact with any other the party goers? Never goes where his/her big brother is? If it is a child in a buggy fair enough but you are paying for the child to use the same stuff as the party goers so yes it does infringe on the party. It also infringes on your older child who has a younger sibling tagging along and it infringes on the party child who doesn't want younger kids at his party.

Show quote history

are we still talking about soft play, or bouncy castles kind of place?

If the birthday child wants no younger children, then the parents need to reserve the whole place. Being in the same room is not "being at the party".
The whole point of these soft plays is to give flexibility to everyone. At every soft play party my kids have been to, as host or guest, some parents were there with other children, who did not impact on the party at all.

Parents sit at a table somewhere, it's a complete non-issue.

Never heard of anyone asking the host.

QueefQueen80s · 08/06/2023 19:05

@TrueScrumptious When the numbers are low, been to loads like that in village halls and soft plays.
Definitely never been to a drop and run party until my boys were 7/8.

originalglazedsingle · 08/06/2023 19:05

Goldbar · 08/06/2023 18:56

I haven't been to a party yet where it was expected that I would leave my 5yo. Maybe that will come next year.

And it would have been impossible for the host parents adequately to supervise all the children in many of the venues we've been to. Attractive as some child-free time is, I'd rather pass on leaving a small child in a busy hall with 30 or so other children running around which leads straight onto a car park, supervised by a harassed host mum who is also trying simultaneously to sort the food and games. I'd actually like to still have my child after the party, thanks.

Show quote history

Not only do I have exactly same experience

but parents who cheekily "dropped and ran" don't tend to be invited often.

EsmeSusanOgg · 08/06/2023 19:10

@Aaaaandbreathe thank you!

VasariMichelangelo · 08/06/2023 19:14

originalglazedsingle · 08/06/2023 19:05

Not only do I have exactly same experience

but parents who cheekily "dropped and ran" don't tend to be invited often.

Show quote history

But surely if you expected parents to stay you would say that on the invite? As with solely the named child attending debate, it would be 'Anna and parent' or something instead?

Goldbar · 08/06/2023 19:15

originalglazedsingle · 08/06/2023 19:05

Not only do I have exactly same experience

but parents who cheekily "dropped and ran" don't tend to be invited often.

Show quote history

Absolutely. I would be very unimpressed by a parent who left their child without okaying it in advance. At the hall party I did for my child's 5th, we had 3 unaccompanied children (all agreed in advance) and I had a designated adult whose job it was solely to supervise those 3 children.

phoenixrosehere · 08/06/2023 19:18

TrueScrumptious · 08/06/2023 18:26

“Drop and run” from reception onwards. Obviously, you don’t invite 20 children. Whole class parties are not a thing where I am.

Show quote history

Whole class parties are a thing where we are and parents stay as well at reception age. I only recognise a few of the parents and don’t know the children’s names and our son doesn’t talk about them when he gets home. I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving my 5 yo at a party with people I barely know or have yet to interact with and I know he wouldn’t be comfortable with me leaving him there alone with only his classmates he recognises. I

Goldbar · 08/06/2023 19:20

VasariMichelangelo · 08/06/2023 19:14

But surely if you expected parents to stay you would say that on the invite? As with solely the named child attending debate, it would be 'Anna and parent' or something instead?

Show quote history

It is just the norm here given most people have parties in public venues.

People aren't stupid enough to expect parents to be able to supervise 30 children and run a party in an unsecured environment with free access to the public. Even just supervising kids for toilet trips would be a complete, time-consuming nightmare for the host parents.

Bunnycat101 · 08/06/2023 19:25

I’ve found all the parents in my daughter’s year to be pretty sensible with parties. Although I have been pissed off with people not letting me know if they can’t make it.

I recently went to my nephew’s party and was shocked by the number of cheeky fucker parents at that party. So I think it does vary school by school and area by area.

wingingit1987 · 08/06/2023 19:28

pukepoint3 · 08/06/2023 18:32

Please tell me you don't ask if you can bring 4 siblings.

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As I have said twice already- I never ask to bring all 4 siblings. What I have done is ask to bring the baby when breastfeeding.

FerretFarm · 08/06/2023 19:29

I get where you're coming from and I think it's really rude if they just turn up but I don't think it's that rude of them to ask. They don't know how many kids you have or whether you could squeeze a couple in. I get that it's annoying but you sound a bit OTT about it tbh.

FerretFarm · 08/06/2023 19:31

Also why do you say 60 kids? Have the parents of all 30 asked to bring a sibling?

You are totally within your rights to say no BTW. Maybe just come up with a stock response to send to anyone who asks.

changeyerheadworzel · 08/06/2023 19:36

originalglazedsingle · 08/06/2023 19:04

are we still talking about soft play, or bouncy castles kind of place?

If the birthday child wants no younger children, then the parents need to reserve the whole place. Being in the same room is not "being at the party".
The whole point of these soft plays is to give flexibility to everyone. At every soft play party my kids have been to, as host or guest, some parents were there with other children, who did not impact on the party at all.

Parents sit at a table somewhere, it's a complete non-issue.

Never heard of anyone asking the host.

Show quote history

The point is.....yet again..... the younger child will naturally gravitate to a sibling, this in turn affects the sibling and the birthday child. Seen it happen many times. "Mummy, Toby keeps following me, will you tell him to go away, he is wrecking the game".
" He is fine, I paid for him".

They are not huge places and kids are free to go wherever they like whether they are at the party or not and trying to tell a small child that they cannot join in the fun with their sibling usually goes down like a shit sandwich.

Blip · 08/06/2023 19:36

I think it's really rude. I also just say no if anyone asks.

If some kids can't attend without their sibling I'm happy for them to decline the party invite.

Although that's another bugbear, so many people do not reply to party invites which I also find really rude.

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