AIBU to think it’s rude to try to being siblings to a party?

[Amillionyearsago]

I know, I know - I missed a trick by not stating upfront on the invitation that we couldn’t have siblings. But seriously, I sent out some birthday party invitations this morning and have already had five requests that siblings come too. I have obviously replied politely to say that unfortunately we can’t do that this year, but AIBU to think that it’s really, really ill mannered, inconsiderate and entitled to ask and put people in that position in the first place?!

Most party entertainers will only accommodate a certain number of kids - you know, a number which often closely matches the number of kids in a Y1 class, for example. No, my child doesn’t want to not invite one of their friends so that your DH doesn’t have to look after his own toddler for the afternoon. If we wanted little Johnny to come, we would have invited him. As we didn’t, I think it’s fairly safe for you to assume that my DC wants to fill the limited available spaces at their own birthday party with their own friends, not a child they’ve never met. Yes, I appreciate that that means that you might not be able to come, which is a shame, but unfortunately that decision sits with you. It really isn’t reasonable to dump it in the lap of someone who already has 30 kids in their house and doesn’t really want to have 60. I don’t want to have to source different party bags for four different age groups or tailor the activities so your other children can do them too. Frankly, it was quite enough to be organising a party for one age group!

Phew. Rant over. Sorry, everyone. Back to the buying of horrendous plastic party bag tat…

So the other children going are of the same age then, I presume under 5 and all their parents stay too?

@Livinginanotherworld your user name suits you.

Doing things your way mean my children would miss out on parties they may well be welcome at, as I don’t feel the need to broadcast my circumstances and explain exactly why I can struggle to find childcare to people I don’t know very well in order to give an opportunity for a later invite.

I simply do not see the problem with a polite inquiry as to whether siblings can be accommodated (at my own cost and under my supervision), if it’s made clear that I am perfectly happy for the host to say no and there is no pressure, I’m just clarifying arrangements. Sometimes people forget or don’t think to add information to invites - I know it’s not something I would have thought of originally, even if I was happy to have siblings attend. Even the OP said she didn’t think to put “no siblings” on the invite.

Obviously there are circumstances where it’s not appropriate, such as a cinema party or individual activity, but that’s pretty obvious from the invite. I don’t see the harm in asking when it’s a whole class / village hall type of party however. And I think that if someone so wrapped up in their own perfect little bubble of a world couldn’t use a bit of intelligence and empathy to understand that sometimes people have to ask, I really don’t care if my polite question would offend them !

The parents I know are adults and perfectly happy to answer my question politely and it has caused no issue from either end so far.

But why do you need a babysitter at all? I don’t have parents or grandparents nearby, so I don’t see why that’s relevant. A year 1 child is at drop-and-go age.

@changeyerheadworzel
correct generally, although one or two odd children may be left sometimes if they know the child/parents.

@TrueScrumptious My children are not year 1.

Whatever.
In the instance you state, it would have even nicer if they’d had the sense to actually invite all the children they expected to see there.
How was it nice for your ds to miss out on a party because they didn’t do this?

If it's not a limited numbers party, I text and say "I'll need to bring my other boy if that's okay but he'll just sit with me" and they always say he can join in.
Everyone has been eager to bump up the numbers so happy to have more attendees. Many parents wouldn't be able to leave their other children anywhere while attending a party.
Obviously talking about young kids parties and not number limited ones

This has been an interesting read.
Are there people here who ask if other siblings can come and then drop and go and leave them both? I don't get the childcare thing at all with a drop and go - would you not just be looking after both children if there was no party?

If you expect parents to stay, then be prepared that you might have siblings too.

Your options are to either have a party where parents drop and go, have a party in a public place where parents can bring the sibling but they don't have to be involved in the party, or accept that for many families it will be a case that siblings go too or no-one does.

Everyone has been eager to bump up the numbers so happy to have more attendees
This is mystifying. I imagine it’s something you tell yourself to make yourself feel better, though 😵‍💫
It couldn’t possibly be true.

I must say I’m my experience drop and go has only started from Y2/3 not Y1. My middle is in Y1 and parents are still being asked to stay, I’ve only been to a few drop and go’s for my eldest. That was Y3 and Y4 in Y5 and Y6 parties became smaller gatherings and parents of party kid picked up and dropped off.

Actually I did end up with a sibling at a party without a parent! Mum originally asked if it would be ok if Dad bought both since she would be at work (5th birthday, so parents usually stayed. Sibling was 4yo). Then during the party he was one of several parents called into work... so unexpectedly had several unattended 4-5yos. Fortunately a close knit community so all the rest of the parents were helping supervise the ones left!

But that community we all worked together as these emergencies did arise occasionally.

It is rude. If you don't have childcare drop the invited child off at the party.

I think it's fine to ask - better than just showing up with them!

But as the eldest child, who always had to ask if my sister could come to any party I went to, while the reverse never happened, I absolutely hated it. I loved my sister and we got on fine, I just wanted time with my friends without her there. I only have one DC so its not been an issue for him.

surely you are able to PARENT your child, and distract them to ensure they don't go and bother the party?

Please don't be one of those parents who confuse soft play and free childcare, and let them run riots while they keep their nose on their phone for 1 hour .

Since when is it bad manners to ask if you can go in the same public place as someone else? Nonsense.

I've had to bring a sibling a couple of times, but they bring their own food, books, crayons and just ignore the party and don't get involved.

Would you be bringing your other child if there was no party on? Nope. You are bringing a smaller child to a party without being invited, without even at least asking. So your younger child never makes any contact with any other the party goers? Never goes where his/her big brother is? If it is a child in a buggy fair enough but you are paying for the child to use the same stuff as the party goers so yes it does infringe on the party. It also infringes on your older child who has a younger sibling tagging along and it infringes on the party child who doesn't want younger kids at his party.

Exactly this. Not fair on the child who has a sibling tagging along and not fair on the child who's party it is to have small kids at it.

No I did not. I quite clearly said their parents did that, not me. Try reading my post again.

Why would anyone want to bump up the numbers?

I can't believe how much the culture of children's parties seems to have changed. If one child is invited, how on Earth does that create a childcare problem? You drop off the party goer, and do something with the other ones until it's time to pick up. Children benefit from learning from an early age that their siblings will sometimes have events going on with their friends that don't involve them.

And asking? Sheesh: if the party giver wanted you and your other children there? They'd have invited you.

Yes it is rude to ask. If they are invited it would say on the invite. It makes you feel awful having to tell people their other child can't come. People take it personally.

I would not have been happy for every parent to drop off and leave for my sons 5th birthday party, leaving me, my partner and my mum in charge of about 20 4/5year olds. I would not have wanted the responsibility of that!

I'm not sure when it's expected to drop off and not stay but I'm guessing when children start to have smaller parties and not whole class parties. Maybe from year 2/3

I think it's ok to ask if you really don't have childcare, but a bit cheeky if you are just hoping the party can entertain all your children for that day. Most parents will understand a genuine childcare issue.

Why an earth is it rude to ask? Bringing them without asking or when you’ve said no is rude, not taking no for an answer is rude, but asking is absolutely fine.

Drop and run was the norm from year R when mine were small. You only invited as many as you could handle.