Page 11 | AIBU to think it’s rude to try to being siblings to a party?

Amillionyearsago · 2023-06-08T10:23:30+00:00

I know, I know - I missed a trick by not stating upfront on the invitation that we couldn’t have siblings. But seriously, I sent out some birthday party invitations this morning and have already had five requests that siblings come too. I have obviously replied politely to say that unfortunately we can’t do that this year, but AIBU to think that it’s really, really ill mannered, inconsiderate and entitled to ask and put people in that position in the first place?! Most party entertainers will only accommodate a certain number of kids - you know, a number which often closely matches the number of kids in a Y1 class, for example. No, my child doesn’t want to not invite one of their friends so that your DH doesn’t have to look after his own toddler for the afternoon. If we wanted little Johnny to come, we would have invited him. As we didn’t, I think it’s fairly safe for you to assume that my DC wants to fill the limited available spaces at their own birthday party with their own friends, not a child they’ve never met. Yes, I appreciate that that means that you might not be able to come, which is a shame, but unfortunately that decision sits with you. It really isn’t reasonable to dump it in the lap of someone who already has 30 kids in their house and doesn’t really want to have 60. I don’t want to have to source different party bags for four different age groups or tailor the activities so your other children can do them too. Frankly, it was quite enough to be organising a party for one age group! Phew. Rant over. Sorry, everyone. Back to the buying of horrendous plastic party bag tat…

EsmeSusanOgg · 08/06/2023 15:26

Flakey99 · 08/06/2023 15:22

So when YOU receive an invitation to a friend’s birthday party, you’ll ring up the host and ask if it’s ok to bring your younger unmarried sister because she loves parties too?

Of course you don’t.

You understand full well that the party invitation is for the named person only and to ring up and ask for an extra place for someone unconnected to the birthday friend is clearly the height of rudeness.

So why don’t the same rules apply to children’s birthday parties?

The birthday child doesn’t need random kids getting involved. It completely spoils the vibe of the party.

So many CF’s on this thread!

@SkyandSurf You really need to stop being a people pleaser. You do realise that your lack of a backbone to say a firm NO will be detrimental to your children as they grow up, especially if you have girls, don’t you?

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I've never asked to bring another child or someone else to a party. I've only been asked. I'm saying that depending on the context, I do not find it rude. I'd find it ruder for someone to turn up having not asked. I'm also perfectly happy saying no if someone asks and I cannot accommodate.

Goldbar · 08/06/2023 15:30

Asking in advance is fine. Saying no is fine.

Party invitations are given out over the class parents' whatsapp group in my DC's school. Classmates have first dibs on places, and then the host parent will often say "5 places left if any siblings would like to come" or whatever.

Aaaaandbreathe · 08/06/2023 15:34

EsmeSusanOgg · 08/06/2023 15:21

Have you read the other comments I have made? I have responded to this a few times already. :)

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I have caught up now but the responses you had were based on you saying it wasn't clear on the invite. Examples of why people might think it may be ok to ask (ie church halls or babies who wouldn't participate anyway) doesn't take away from the fact that a named invite is very clear on who is expected to attend.

GulesMeansRed · 08/06/2023 15:41

For the "it's not rude to ask" people - don't you think that if the host had WANTED your toddler or older child there then that would have been stated on the invitation?

If the invitation says "Katie is invited to Ivy's birthday party at blah blah blah" then it couldn't be clearer. KATIE is invited. Not Katie, her little brother Jimmy, and twin teenage siblings.

GulesMeansRed · 08/06/2023 15:42

On the same page as you here, @Aaaaandbreathe

Shortsandtee · 08/06/2023 15:46

Aaaaandbreathe · 08/06/2023 15:34

I have caught up now but the responses you had were based on you saying it wasn't clear on the invite. Examples of why people might think it may be ok to ask (ie church halls or babies who wouldn't participate anyway) doesn't take away from the fact that a named invite is very clear on who is expected to attend.

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In my experience invitations don't always make it clear if it's drop and go or if a parent is expected to stay. Only relevant for certain age groups of course.

EsmeSusanOgg · 08/06/2023 15:47

Aaaaandbreathe · 08/06/2023 15:34

I have caught up now but the responses you had were based on you saying it wasn't clear on the invite. Examples of why people might think it may be ok to ask (ie church halls or babies who wouldn't participate anyway) doesn't take away from the fact that a named invite is very clear on who is expected to attend.

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Well yes, but when I said not clear - I followed up less than 30 seconds later with context of when a lot of people wouldn't mind, and it would not be considered rude to ask. You and another person then responded to the first point after I had explained that context.

AIBU loves to present everything as black and white when it rarely is. A poster commented about uninvited siblings ruining a bowling party and taking the turns of invited guests - absolutely rude and unacceptable. And I think all by the cheekiest of CFs would agree.

But I think someone asking if they can bring their baby with them to a stay-and-play party, especially if there are childcare issues would be reasonable. You then have the grey-ish area, where someone asks if they can pay for their younger child to come to a softplay centre in order to allow their older child to attend the party (I think a lot depends here on whether there is alternative childcare available or not... But also this scenario is often spelt out as a yes or no on invites from my experience).

I think as the parties get smaller and the kids older, it is clearly ruder/ less appropriate to ask. Especially for drop-off parties.

It's all contextual really. I think half the commentors (me included) are arguing at cross purposes on this. Mostly because we're trying to shoehorn an all or nothing response in.

Apologies also if I have come across a bit unclear or cranky. I'm still topped up on antibiotics et al with a kidney infection. I have a combination of feeling wretched (on top of being 30 weeks) and cabin fever.

ShivWambsgans · 08/06/2023 15:52

Amillionyearsago · 08/06/2023 12:16

Totally fine to drop and run - not a problem at all. And these dads are definitely of the off cycling/playing rugby variety. Party bags for siblings will very much be expected. In some of the cases, supervision of the younger child will also be very much expected while the parent sits drinking a cup of tea.

Party is at home but limited numbers are dictated by the party entertainer. Also the fact that I just can’t fit any more into the room in our house where the entertainer is going to be. To be absolutely blunt, I don’t think anyone wants 60 children at a birthday party they’re organising. I’ve just had another request from one family to bring 4 siblings along. Sadly, it would
be lovely if we lived in a mansion but unfortunately our lives are a bit less exciting than that, and I just don’t have the facilities to run a crèche.

I do of course absolutely appreciate that that means that not all the kids will then be able to come, and that’s completely reasonable. It’s unfortunate, but I really do feel that the polite thing to do would still be to either drop and run or decline the invitation if you have no other childcare. Trying to make the host feel too embarrassed to say no just isn’t considerate.

Considering your child doesn’t even know these siblings you are clearly not good friends with the moms, yet you sure do seem to know a lot about what goes in their minds and marriages. Were you born with psychic abilities or did you pick it up over time?

Livinginanotherworld · 08/06/2023 15:52

TotallyFloored · 08/06/2023 13:18

I appreciate you are having a rant, but I think perhaps you have phrased it very badly and are not showing yourself in a great light. Some empathy would go a long way here - people may be asking to bring other children for all sorts of reasons.

I am alone with two young children. My children have no contact with their father and it is not safe for them to do so - this is not a fact I try to publicise widely as I do not want my children marked out as different. Until I was left in this position, I may have felt the same as you. Now, I understand the struggle of being truly alone and having sole responsibility for young children and the hard balancing act that comes with that.

My children are not at at age when you can "drop and run". I will therefore often have to ask if I can bring the other sibling to parties so I know whether the invited child can go, but I try to do this in such a way as the host is more than able to say no if they can't come for any reason at all. I'll perhaps say "it's totally fine if not, but I'm just checking so I can sort out a babysitter for my other one if needed". If they can come, I obviously offer to pay for the second child (if it is at soft play for example), make sure I sort their own food etc... Some say yes, some say no. It's not a big deal to any of us (that I know).

When I organise my children's parties, I try to do so in a way that includes families like mine eg hire a cheap village hall, cater with sarnies from the supermarket and get a disco/entertainer in so the number of kids doesn't matter and often works better with more. I have been to several parties like this now, and I think they are definitely better when there are more kids running round to create an atmosphere. There is nothing worse than a children's party with no/limited kids and adults trying to force fun. I appreciate that this can have cost implications and the situation is different with older kids, but with older kids you can drop and run so it's less of an issue.

I don't care if people ask me about bringing siblings - in fact I put that they are welcome on my invites but ask that I am told so I can cater etc... I see no problem with people asking in a respectful way, so long as they are not difficult about the answer if it is not the one they want.

I think you are giving mixed messages here, firstly you are saying that unless sibling is invited your other child can’t go, but then you are saying to the party host…..

“I'll perhaps say "it's totally fine if not, but I'm just checking so I can sort out a babysitter for my other one if needed".

So…sort the babysitter out then ! It’s neither the host’s problem or obligation to sort your child care issues out.

Original poster

Amillionyearsago · 08/06/2023 16:01

I do appreciate that things might be trickier for single parents, but as I mentioned several pages ago, none of the parents I’m talking about are in that position. Of course you can never be certain, but it seems extremely unlikely from the jobs they do that they would be shift workers either.

OP posts:

Original poster

Amillionyearsago · 08/06/2023 16:03

I have spent a fair bit of time with some of the people involved and this was my experience. The best indicator of future behaviour being past behaviour and all that…

OP posts:

TotallyFloored · 08/06/2023 16:04

@Livinginanotherworld

I don’t give mixed messages at all to the host, but perhaps you can’t understand my point.

Sometimes I can get a babysitter, sometimes not. Due to my children’s history and risk factors, I cannot leave them with just anyone and sometimes the trusted sitter is not available. However, this is not information I tell other parents.

I don’t tell the host anything other than asking politely if the other child can go and that it’s no problem if not as I will try to get a sitter. If they say yes, great and both kids can go. If they say no, I say it’s no problem at all and will try to get my sitter so the invited child can go. However, if they are not available then neither child can go and I make my apologies and say we can’t make it. I don’t give reasons or try to guilt trip.

My point is, it’s complicated and a balancing act. Not all kids have two parents, grandparents available at the drop of a hat or the ability to just “sort the sitter out then” ! I try to get all the information so I can sort it out so my children don’t have to miss out on more than they already do through no fault of their own. But I always acknowledge it’s my problem to sort and if both can’t go it’s not a problem.

tommyshelbysbunnit · 08/06/2023 16:11

I can't get over the fact you are having 30 kids in your home, I would need to lie in the garden with a bottle of gin

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 08/06/2023 16:13

Jules912 · 08/06/2023 11:53

I don't mind if people asked, although last party I was more shocked at how many parents dropped an ran given it was at a large soft play open to the public and with the best will in the world I can't keep track of 20 children in that environment. In that case for those that did ask I said we were already at the numbers but they could pay separately for the soft play and there'd probably be spare food.

What age? I think you need to make it clear once they are school age if you expect parents to stay

changeyerheadworzel · 08/06/2023 16:13

If it’s at a public place such as soft play ans you are asking “are you ok with my paying for my toddler/ older child to come in also, of course I’ll be paying for their food” then obviously that’s fine. Not that you’d need to ask really

Not that you need to ask...are you for real?

changeyerheadworzel · 08/06/2023 16:17

TotallyFloored · 08/06/2023 16:04

@Livinginanotherworld

I don’t give mixed messages at all to the host, but perhaps you can’t understand my point.

Sometimes I can get a babysitter, sometimes not. Due to my children’s history and risk factors, I cannot leave them with just anyone and sometimes the trusted sitter is not available. However, this is not information I tell other parents.

I don’t tell the host anything other than asking politely if the other child can go and that it’s no problem if not as I will try to get a sitter. If they say yes, great and both kids can go. If they say no, I say it’s no problem at all and will try to get my sitter so the invited child can go. However, if they are not available then neither child can go and I make my apologies and say we can’t make it. I don’t give reasons or try to guilt trip.

My point is, it’s complicated and a balancing act. Not all kids have two parents, grandparents available at the drop of a hat or the ability to just “sort the sitter out then” ! I try to get all the information so I can sort it out so my children don’t have to miss out on more than they already do through no fault of their own. But I always acknowledge it’s my problem to sort and if both can’t go it’s not a problem.

How old are your children?

Livinginanotherworld · 08/06/2023 16:29

TotallyFloored · 08/06/2023 16:04

@Livinginanotherworld

I don’t give mixed messages at all to the host, but perhaps you can’t understand my point.

Sometimes I can get a babysitter, sometimes not. Due to my children’s history and risk factors, I cannot leave them with just anyone and sometimes the trusted sitter is not available. However, this is not information I tell other parents.

I don’t tell the host anything other than asking politely if the other child can go and that it’s no problem if not as I will try to get a sitter. If they say yes, great and both kids can go. If they say no, I say it’s no problem at all and will try to get my sitter so the invited child can go. However, if they are not available then neither child can go and I make my apologies and say we can’t make it. I don’t give reasons or try to guilt trip.

My point is, it’s complicated and a balancing act. Not all kids have two parents, grandparents available at the drop of a hat or the ability to just “sort the sitter out then” ! I try to get all the information so I can sort it out so my children don’t have to miss out on more than they already do through no fault of their own. But I always acknowledge it’s my problem to sort and if both can’t go it’s not a problem.

It would be more polite to try and sort your sitter out first, then if you have a problem decline the invite for that reason ( who knows, the party host can then offer…if she wants to) but you are chancing your arm by being cheeky and asking first, then if it’s a no, find a sitter. That’s exactly what you said, it’s cheeky and putting the onus on the host to feel obligated when you haven’t even tried your sitter’s availability.

originalglazedsingle · 08/06/2023 16:33

changeyerheadworzel · 08/06/2023 16:13

If it’s at a public place such as soft play ans you are asking “are you ok with my paying for my toddler/ older child to come in also, of course I’ll be paying for their food” then obviously that’s fine. Not that you’d need to ask really

Not that you need to ask...are you for real?

unless it's a privately booked, who cares if other children are in the same building or in the same park? As long as they don't get involved, of course you can pay and entertain your toddler/older child.

It has 0 effect on the birthday.

Are you confusing with a wedding held in a hotel, where it would be weird to book a room if you are not invited? 😂

ForWhatItIsWorth · 08/06/2023 16:35

Hannahsbananas · 08/06/2023 14:32

It could all have been made clear by putting both their names on the invitation if they were both expected to be there 🤷🏻‍♀️
It’s actually a little bit thick to put your daughter’s name on the invite and then ask “where’s ds?”, don’t you think?
Most people are able to understand the concept of “Jemima’s been invited to a party on Saturday, that means just her; not Joanna and Jeremy also” perfectly well.
It’s so very simple really…

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Erm, since you asked, no, I don't think it was "actually a little bit thick" because that's not the way I talk about people who do nice things for my children, as a rule.

changeyerheadworzel · 08/06/2023 16:39

originalglazedsingle · 08/06/2023 16:33

unless it's a privately booked, who cares if other children are in the same building or in the same park? As long as they don't get involved, of course you can pay and entertain your toddler/older child.

It has 0 effect on the birthday.

Are you confusing with a wedding held in a hotel, where it would be weird to book a room if you are not invited? 😂

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If it is at soft play it makes a huge difference. Most smaller kids want to be involved, they are in the same play area with the kids are the party. They don't cordon it off. Who wants a four year old in the same area at a six year old's party?

Not to even ask is the height of bad manners.

mynameisnotthis2 · 08/06/2023 16:45

I don't think people should ask unless they really don't have childcare for the sibling/s but as a last resort it's fine to ask. I did a whole class party in a church hall for my son in reception and a mum approached me and explained she was a single mum and couldn't leave her older child with anybody that day, so it was a case of if he couldn't come then the invited child couldn't either. And I said it was fine for her to bring both children.

However other people turned up with younger siblings that didn't even ask me or offer an explanation about no childcare etc.. and it did annoy me!

JusthereforXmas · 08/06/2023 16:48

changeyerheadworzel · 08/06/2023 16:39

If it is at soft play it makes a huge difference. Most smaller kids want to be involved, they are in the same play area with the kids are the party. They don't cordon it off. Who wants a four year old in the same area at a six year old's party?

Not to even ask is the height of bad manners.

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Soft plays are open to the public... theres lots of 4 year olds there siblings or not.

Imagine the entitlement of thinking you can ban people from a public space you aren't exclusively hiring... then talk about bad manners and thinking its not you.

Its not bad manners not to ask because the host has fuck all say in who else also uses the that open public business.

TotallyFloored · 08/06/2023 16:49

@changeyerheadworzel

They are young - not of an age or safeguarding position that they can be left alone with unchecked / unknown adults.

changeyerheadworzel · 08/06/2023 16:51

JusthereforXmas · 08/06/2023 16:48

Soft plays are open to the public... theres lots of 4 year olds there siblings or not.

Imagine the entitlement of thinking you can ban people from a public space you aren't exclusively hiring... then talk about bad manners and thinking its not you.

Its not bad manners not to ask because the host has fuck all say in who else also uses the that open public business.

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Its not bad manners not to ask because the host has fuck all say in who else also uses the that open public business*

Mortified for you.

Outliers · 08/06/2023 16:52

" five requests that siblings come too. I have obviously replied politely to say that unfortunately we can’t do that this year, but AIBU to think that it’s really, really ill mannered, inconsiderate and entitled to ask and put people in that position in the first place?!"

Multiple people asked with suggests it's pretty normal. It's not rude to ask. They ask, you say no, life goes on.