To not want my husband to tell anyone I'm pregnant?

[whiteslemonade]

Hi - new user here, asking for some perspective.

I'm 16 weeks pregnant, first child. It's taken me a while to get my head round the pregnancy - it happened much faster than I was expecting for various reasons, so although we were open to getting pregnant, it has been very disorientating for me and once I actually had a positive test I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. Anyway, we're continuing with the pregnancy and I'm now 16 weeks.

I haven't told anyone, apart from my line manager at work. We're geographically far from our families and haven't seen them since I was around 8 weeks, so obviously not showing, and I haven't got much of a bump yet anyway. I feel a really, really strong pull to keep this private for a while yet - hopefully until after the anatomy scan. Then I will start telling our Mum's etc. and maybe husband's siblings if I feel ready. I am a very private person anyway about things, I don't want people to know until we know the baby is okay (or at least we know as much as we can until it's here), and this feels like a time for me and my husband to adjust to this stage of life. I can't explain how I feel, I just feel a need for this to be our business for a little longer still.

My husband really wants us to tell our Mum's and his siblings. He thinks they will be very hurt/will want to support us/will be confused, and that to him is more important than my comfort and privacy. I have read/seen that some people don't announce to anyone until they've given birth, so waiting until 20 weeks doesn't seem that bad! It's starting to cause problems between us as he is fixated on this, says it feels like a lie whenever he speaks to his mum or I speak to mine.

I think at this stage I'm the one who has the final say, as I am the one going through it. Any opinions? What can I say to him to make him understand?

I developed complex antenatal depression when I found out I was pregnant. I was not happy, not excited, not overjoyed, I was terrified, I was shocked, I was angry and I was suicidal. All these terrifying feelings hit me suddenly. It was awful. It makes me completely shut down and not want to tell anyone anything. It was so hard to articulate anything I was feeling.

I was made to feel a complete freak for not being glowy and excited. No one understood.

It’s not always straightforward: positive test, joy, desire to tell the world.

The OP’s experience of pregnancy is clearly different to yours.

He only wants to tell his parents. I would think about the feelings of the Dad (also going through a major life change) and accept he may also want to talk about his feelings with another person. Perhaps he wants a chat with his own Mum or Dad about his own feelings/uncertainties/excitement?

He will have a say in EVERY decision of his childs life (as all good Dads should) and I think its sad for the OP and her Husband that she even has to post about this.

I think you’re being a bit OTT here OP.

I also agree with others that you might have anxiety/ depression. Surely it’s exciting news you’d like to share with your own mother?!

This. The OP may be pregnant, but that doesn't mean her DH will definitely become a father.

I suspect all the women saying the OP is unreasonable are women who had very easy pregnancies that culminated in healthy babies.

They're making the assumption that just because the OP wanted to get pregnant means, she will definitely make it to the end with a baby. I sincerely hope that's the case, but it might not happen, and as such, the OP should get to control the timing of her news.

If the worst happens at the scan, the only thing worse than having to plan to terminate a wanted child is having to explain to every man and his dog that that's what you're doing. No way does a man get to force a woman into doing that.

He can. In a month’s time when his wife is comfortable with it.

Without his input she wouldn't have a baby in her belly. Poor bloke is itching to share the wonderful news with his mum and siblings and the OP seems to want to keep it a huge secret...why do her wishes come before his..it's not just her child.

You're the frightening one. You think this dad can't have any input into decisions regarding his unborn child? OP didn't get pregnant all by herself ffs!

Dear jesus, the people that live and breathe amongst us...!!!!

@Mamai90 not particularly but had issues with the pregnancies and couldn't face telling everyone I'd lost the baby that I desperately wanted. I would have found it hard enough. Don't judge a book by its cover

Well, legally, no. He can’t. It is the mother who is pregnant. It her who has to take the responsibility and make all the decisions regarding the progression of the pregnancy. The least he can do is respect her wishes and wait a month.

So you were trying for a baby and got pregnant and then realised actually I don't known if you want to have a baby? That's how it reads. I'm not sure what's with your weird hiding it, what's the reason? Is it fear of judgement or something else?

We told our parents right away 1st time, second time we waited until 12 weeks. Our 3rd I waited until 20 weeks to tell people including parents (I only managed it because it was during lockdown I'll add), the reason was because I had a miscarriage between my second and third child so was reluctant to share the news. I wanted to tell our other 2 children before other people knew but they were only 4 and 2 so I just wanted to be sure there was going to be a baby, we didn't want to have to explain that the baby had gone, thankfully I was only 8 weeks when I lost the 3rd pregnancy so no one knew. My mil is still convinced we kept it a secret from just them (she never knew about the miscarriage so I guess it looked weird us telling them at 22 weeks).

It is up to you but people will wonder why you waited to long to say anything.

Your experience is not the OP's, from everything she has said in her post. Totally different situations.

Yes, dear Jesus, people who live and breathe against us who give a shit about the feelings of pregnant women...

It's not a bloody hardship for a man to keep his mouth shut until his partner has decided she definitely wants to proceed with the pregnancy and feels comfortable with other people knowing that.

There is so much that a man cannot do during a pregnancy to make it any better - this is one little, simple thing that he can.

Thats a very stupid assumption to make and actually quite offensive. Perhaps those of us have been through loss realise that the OP will need support if the worse happens.

This thread is very frustrating- an OP who made a decision to try for a baby, who is now completely shocked she is pregnant and wanting a level of control which actually just doesn’t exist once you enter motherhood. A lot of idealism but it’s not helpful for the OP because at some point she will need to be realistic if they are to coparent effectively.

Tell them when you're ready OP and not before.

Everyone is different, though. I wanted to make sure baby was okay. However, it doesn't matter the reason. Everyone is entitled to their privacy, right? I think the mistake is the person not being told thinks it's about them.

He only wants to tell his own PARENTS not authorise complex surgery in utero! Catch a grip!

Lol he’s probably already told his mum and sworn her to secrecy.

Don’t blame him

And if he has worries himself (or a ton of other emotions), he is only allowed to discuss this with his wife? I wouldn’t want control over my Husband in that way. He’s already kept it to himself for 16 weeks, he wasn’t telling all his friends at 6 weeks!

They are a couple who have chosen to have a baby. So she gets to call all the shots???! Will that continue when the baby is born? After all she may be the one sustaining its life if she is breastfeeding?

That is not how a healthy relationship/parenting works! In the real world, couples discuss their decisions. The mother does not get to control everything because her body has grown the child!

@whiteslemonade - I haven’t voted because I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable here. You are going through a big change, and want the time and headspace to come to terms with that, and so you don’t want the news out there yet, and as you and previous posters have said, it’s your pregnancy, your body, your medical information, and you have every right to want to control the information about that - maybe more so because pregnancy can feel like you and your life are being taken over, and you don’t have control over that. But your dh is excited, and probably nervous, and really wants to share the happy news with his family and friends - and his feelings are just as reasonable and normal as yours.

I would say that the best thing you can do is to carry on discussing this with your dh - so you can both be open about your feelings and support each other, and so that you know he won’t tell anyone until you are happy, and he knows that you will tell him as soon as you are comfortable for the news to be out - maybe with the 20 week scan being the cut-off point where, providing the scan results are good, you will start sharing the news.

I became a granny for the first time last year, and ds1 and my wonderful DIL told us she was pregnant pretty much as soon as they knew - it was the most exciting news, and dh and I were so happy they had told us asap. But if they had decided to wait longer to tell us, we would have been just as happy.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I feel sorry for him tbh it seem very much my way or my way

Agree absolutely.

A lot of posters making it about them and how they would feel.
The priority is the pregnant woman, then her partner, then anyone else.

My entire family were delighted when I said I was pregnant beyond 6 months. No hurt feelings or grumbling from anyone. No poor relationship, they dote on DC.

I know of people who have had bad news at the anomaly scan and that's the kind of news that I would prefer to deal with privately. I did not want support in early pregnancy.

@whiteslemonade so 4 in 5 people here think you're unreasonable. So what? Everyone is different and it can't be that much of a surprise to your DH that you are a private person.

There's a lot of bollocks being talked here about family fallouts because people can't imagine feeling differently about telling others about their pregnancies. Or implying that someone who waits to tell people isn't as excited as others. Or that your mum should know before your line manager when that second relationship is a transactional one, not an emotional one (usually!)

He wants to tell his parents and his wife does not want to tell them yet. She has said to wait just one more month after the anomaly scan.
There is a clear conflict of wishes.

Why should her feelings be disregarded in favour of the husband’s when, if he can only wait a few more weeks, they can both feel content?

Sorry @whiteslemonade I think it’s a bit odd not to include parents! It reads like you didn’t actually want to get pregnant and then got pregnant and have only recently decided to carry on with the pregnancy 🤷‍♀️

My mum knew both times rather quickly (we worked together) and the projectile vomiting I had until 16 weeks kinda gave it away.

With my second apart from my mum/dad we didn’t tell anyone until I was over 20 weeks but that was because both the baby and I were poorly and we weren’t sure if the pregnancy could continue.

Im not sure I confirmed it with work until I needed to..

I think both sets of parents are going to be incredibly hurt by keeping this from them (again it’s your decision)