To not want my husband to tell anyone I'm pregnant?

[whiteslemonade]

Hi - new user here, asking for some perspective.

I'm 16 weeks pregnant, first child. It's taken me a while to get my head round the pregnancy - it happened much faster than I was expecting for various reasons, so although we were open to getting pregnant, it has been very disorientating for me and once I actually had a positive test I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. Anyway, we're continuing with the pregnancy and I'm now 16 weeks.

I haven't told anyone, apart from my line manager at work. We're geographically far from our families and haven't seen them since I was around 8 weeks, so obviously not showing, and I haven't got much of a bump yet anyway. I feel a really, really strong pull to keep this private for a while yet - hopefully until after the anatomy scan. Then I will start telling our Mum's etc. and maybe husband's siblings if I feel ready. I am a very private person anyway about things, I don't want people to know until we know the baby is okay (or at least we know as much as we can until it's here), and this feels like a time for me and my husband to adjust to this stage of life. I can't explain how I feel, I just feel a need for this to be our business for a little longer still.

My husband really wants us to tell our Mum's and his siblings. He thinks they will be very hurt/will want to support us/will be confused, and that to him is more important than my comfort and privacy. I have read/seen that some people don't announce to anyone until they've given birth, so waiting until 20 weeks doesn't seem that bad! It's starting to cause problems between us as he is fixated on this, says it feels like a lie whenever he speaks to his mum or I speak to mine.

I think at this stage I'm the one who has the final say, as I am the one going through it. Any opinions? What can I say to him to make him understand?

Ok, just using your example:

Who gets to choose if she breastfeeds then?

I actually think there’s a little bit of room for a compromise here. You choose the when (after the 20week scan) and your DH can choose the how. Let him come up with a fun way to announce your news - a cute photo or video or something, or some friends drew up a family tree with photos including a scan photo. Let him decide, and prep it now, and then he can send it/call yours parents then send it/video call your parents the day you have the anatomy scan, as long as the results are fine. :)

If you read the OP's first post carefully, although she did actively try to get pregnant, she then became uncertain about what she wanted to do once she actually became pregnant, and the reality started to sink in.

She changed her mind from wanting to be pregnant to not wanting to be pregnant to wanting to be pregnant again. She has a strong pull to not tell anyone, and by her own admission, cannot articulate why.

I would suggest that whilst the OP probably does want this baby, she is still emotionally processing what that means and may yet flip-flop her opinion a few more times. She can change her mind up until 24 weeks, and until that point happens, it should be within the OP's control as to who gets to find out she's pregnant.

It sounds like she doesn't need the 24 weeks though, and at 20 weeks, she will feel more secure in her decision to proceed.

If/once the OP has to continue her pregnancy, and the likelihood is she will give birth to a baby, then the man gets to have more of a say. Because at that point, fatherhood and co-parenting become less abstract.

Are you both genuinely on the same page about parenthood?

It seems to have come as such a shock to you even though you were 'trying'

I know the reality isn't the same as the 'what ifs' but you do seem a bit ambivalent

I'd like to think they could make a joint decision on how they aspire to feed their child....

I'm sorry, but I agree with your husband.

It's not up to her husband or anybody else to decide when she decides to divulge her medical information, for that is what a pregnancy announcement is.

You are the second person today who I have had to ask to give their head a wobble @adriftinadenofvipers

It's not a bloody hardship for a man to keep his mouth shut until his partner has decided she definitely wants to proceed with the pregnancy and feels comfortable with other people knowing that.

At this point your posts are getting more irrational. Of course it’s a hardship to have to keep a pregnancy privacy until your wife decides if she wants to keep the baby! This was a planned pregnancy. They both decided they wanted a baby and to ttc. I imagine the husband feels incredibly confused that what was supposed to be a wanted baby now isn’t and he just has to shut up while OP decided whether to proceed or not.

You can’t expect men to totally detach emotionally from a pregnancy. No one’s saying he gets to dictate what she does with her body, that’s not what’s happening.

The poor bugger has already had to deal with weeks of uncertainty as whether the OP was going to decide whether to carry on with the pregnancy. I think he deserves a bit of slack.

Your the one who needs to give your head a wobble. Are you 4?

And yes, @adriftinadenofvipers she very much does get to call all the shots while the foetus is inside and sustained by her body!!!

Is your DH even that upset about waiting? Or is he just really excited?

What do you want from this thread, OP? You seem very sure that you’re NOT being unreasonable, so I’m wondering what it is you’re looking for here… (FWIW, I agree it’s your decision — or should be — although I can also appreciate why your DH would prefer to tell people now.)

@whiteslemonade I told my parents just before the 12 week scan. My line manager around the same time too due to horrific ‘morning’ sickness. We didn’t tell DP’s parents until around 16 weeks although he wanted to tell them earlier than this. We didn’t tell our siblings until after the 20 week scan as I wanted extra reassurance that baby was ok and I also wanted to know her sex. After that we told other people.

If there was a situation where the mother doesn’t want to breastfeed but the father is adamant he wants his baby to be breastfed, what should happen?

Why not you don't tell your family until you feel ready but he tells his family as he is ready. It's his baby too, not your exclusive baby.

I think it’s important to recognise your husbands feelings and discomfort he’s feeling about not yet having shared the news with his family because, although it’s entirely your body and your choice, he is the dad and he has feelings on it too. Respecting how he feels while holding your boundaries might help him feel listened to. And also offering an explanation for why family are finding out late - as simple as, it was a difficult first X amount of weeks so you have taken the opportunity to keep it private - might also be comforting for him if he’s worried about communicating it to his own family. A bit of give and take you know? It’s your decision, completely. But you can work together to help him feel comfortable too.

also, is he fully aware of why you want to wait? Pre and post natal are incredibly vulnerable times and you both really need an open line of communication and understanding, so he’s got your back, always.

You are, of course, entitled to your own opinion. Personally, mine is that you are getting increasingly irrational. We'll have to agree to disagree there.

When you consider what a woman has to go through physically and emotionally, not blabbing her medical details to anyone for another month is nothing, comparatively. Until the OP commits to definitely going through with the pregnancy - and it sounds like she wants the results of the 20-week scan to feel able to do that - telling people is intrusive.

This isn't necessarily about dictating what she does with her body - it's a question of telling people the details of what she does with her body. That's private information until the earlier of 1) when the OP decides it isn't and 2) when the OP passes the point of no return at 24 weeks.

If the OP and her DH are going to co-parent well, they need to have each other's backs. This is a really easy example of where he can prove to her that he has her back - by respecting her decision to want to keep the news quiet for now.

I don't agree with you. Fundamentals like whether or not to continue with the pregnancy, yes, but I'd like to think even then that the potential father would be involved in the decision...!!

@whiteslemonade I get being anxious, honestly I do, but I think you're being a little unreasonable here.

I'm 15 weeks pregnant, and I was so so protective, it was my instinct too. I'd have let the baby announce itself if I could! I'm too big for my usual clothes but too scared to buy more in case it jinxes it. I won't let anyone get anything for baby yet for same reason! But I know it's my anxiety talking.

The main reason I think you're being a little unreasonable is because this is your husbands baby too, and by not allowing him to tell anyone, you're isolating him from support. You say 'what if we find something is wrong' - that is kind of the point! While you may prefer to deal with your grief privately, he would also be losing his child and he may need to grieve differently. He'd need time off work, it would affect you both hugely, and thus would affect those closest to you even if they didn't know what it was.

He feels like he is lying to those close to him because he is. Everytime they ask whats going on or whats new, he is lying by omission and leaving out news that will absolutely change his life. At 16 weeks he has been doing this presumably for almost 3 months at your request. It is reasonable that he is worried how much his silence will upset those close to you both. He cares about them! But he has not gone against your wishes and told them anyway because of his love and respect for you.

You both made the decision to have this baby. You're a partnership. And while you're the one that's pregnant, and he is respecting your final say on the matter, it would be nice if you could take your partners feelings into account and compromise on him telling a couple of people close to him that he would like as support.

I wish you all the best and a happy safe pregnancy x

This is a good idea.

Quite clearly, the dad should do it then.

Fed up arguing with stupid remarks.

It’s not a stupid remark! You just can’t bring yourself to say that a man’s feelings shouldn’t be automatically prioritised in some situations.
I’m making the point that when the situation is fundamentally about a woman’s body, the choice is hers.

This is eminently sensible and rational unlike some of the other histrionics on this post.

@FlyingHighFlyingLow - congrats on your pregnancy. I was always a bit superstitious early on - though I did celebrate my first pregnancy by buying a bib! Reckoned it would be easily got rid of, if need be. Said bib is now still in existence 27 years later!

I’m team husband poor bugger.

Exactly.

In the early years, parenthood between opposite-sex couples isn't equal. It can't be.

The woman decides if she continues with the pregnancy. The woman decides if she wants to breastfeed. If she breastfeeds, that has implications for how much time she has to care for the baby.

It's sometimes not until the child is weaned that both parents truly can have an equal say in how that child is cared for and raised. Up until then, the man can have input... but the woman has the final call. Because it's her body that is being used to do things.