To not want my husband to tell anyone I'm pregnant?

[whiteslemonade]

Hi - new user here, asking for some perspective.

I'm 16 weeks pregnant, first child. It's taken me a while to get my head round the pregnancy - it happened much faster than I was expecting for various reasons, so although we were open to getting pregnant, it has been very disorientating for me and once I actually had a positive test I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. Anyway, we're continuing with the pregnancy and I'm now 16 weeks.

I haven't told anyone, apart from my line manager at work. We're geographically far from our families and haven't seen them since I was around 8 weeks, so obviously not showing, and I haven't got much of a bump yet anyway. I feel a really, really strong pull to keep this private for a while yet - hopefully until after the anatomy scan. Then I will start telling our Mum's etc. and maybe husband's siblings if I feel ready. I am a very private person anyway about things, I don't want people to know until we know the baby is okay (or at least we know as much as we can until it's here), and this feels like a time for me and my husband to adjust to this stage of life. I can't explain how I feel, I just feel a need for this to be our business for a little longer still.

My husband really wants us to tell our Mum's and his siblings. He thinks they will be very hurt/will want to support us/will be confused, and that to him is more important than my comfort and privacy. I have read/seen that some people don't announce to anyone until they've given birth, so waiting until 20 weeks doesn't seem that bad! It's starting to cause problems between us as he is fixated on this, says it feels like a lie whenever he speaks to his mum or I speak to mine.

I think at this stage I'm the one who has the final say, as I am the one going through it. Any opinions? What can I say to him to make him understand?

@GrinAndVomit Which he can still do next month when she has had the anomaly scan.

OP hasn’t said that.
She specifically said “maybe” they could tell siblings.
Perhaps part of why he is now being vocal about wanting to share with friends and family is that he senses OP isn’t committed to sharing in 4 weeks and it will probably be the same thing then.

I agree with the very first post.

Only one of you is pregnant, and that is the person whose feelings matter

Thank you ❤ still hoping all remains OK!

Incredible the sentimental value little things like a bib can be. I've still got my first positive pregnancy test!

It took me a long time to get rid of mine too!! 😃Enjoy every second - it's a total cliche I know but it all flies!

"think if something were to be found to be wrong at 20 weeks, we're both certain we would not continue the pregnancy, and for me I know I would find it easier to announce that I had been pregnant and wasn't anymore than to have to break bad news to excited people. That's just the way I deal with things. I also wouldn't want lots of support from people - again, I know the way I deal with things"

OP, I think you've had a hard time on here and your thoughts in this post chime very much with how I felt. I too had to tell work early on (Xrays, anaesthetic gas, chemo drugs etc) and they knew before either set of parents.

I had Harmony testing + nuchal ligament+ "the rest" scanning done with both pregnancies at 10-12 weeks (privately, neither being done routinely in the area of the UK where I live on the NHS- as acting on the results at that time would have been illegal and thus impossible to safely and easily do in this jurisdiction). I went to those appointments knowing that I would abort if chromosomal or other very significant abnormality was found and then confirmed. DH and I had discussed this before even TTC.

I met an acquaintance in the fertility clinic waiting room the second time round (both of us had one child, both of us very late 30s) who, after the slightly awkward "fancy meeting you here!" exchange, had obviously concluded that I must be there for the same reason as her and made a pleasant sisterly solidarity remark about hoping for a second miracle. I just nodded, the truth being probably a bit too brutal.

In work at the same time, there were two women a little older than me who had struggled to conceive for quite some time. One got pregnant soon after me; one never did.

If, at 12 or 20 weeks, I had decided on a TFMR I would have left DD with DH and got the night boat to England I think. Bear in mind that some of my friends (mostly the ones in Dublin) still had leftover "Repeal the Eighth" banners on their FB profiles but some- mostly from my Co. Down breastfeeding group from child #1 - had "Save the Eighth" banners on theirs.

A family member (in GB not NI) also has a child who has Down syndrome, as has another friend. Both lovely people who we see quite a lot of at friend/family gatherings.

So....ya know.

I like the PPs compromise of "you do the when, let him do the how". Also, is there a "safe" friend he could confide in? Somebody who lives hundreds of miles away from both sets of parents and preferably you as well, isn't related to either of you, doesn't work in your industry, probably somebody that you only know through DH- who met your family and friends for the one and only time at your wedding? And who can be trusted not to spew it all to any mutual friends of DH? And would never, ever tell anyone if you had a miscarriage or abortion? So your DH can be excited/afraid/whatever at least down the phone,now, to somebody who isn't you.

We had exactly this recently (although at a much earlier stage of pregnancy, I'm only 9 weeks!)

I'm very private, was feeling overwhelmed, and didn't want to have to deal with telling everyone only for something to go wrong and have to deliver bad news. My lovely mum is terminally ill, and I didn't want to have to get her hopes up and then feel guilty if the worst would happen. I felt very protective over this.

He's from a very big, lovely, open family where everyone pitches in to support each other, and wanted to tell his parents and siblings early doors so he had the support network there if something went wrong.

Our compromise was that we'd wait until I was comfortable to announce the pregnancy, but if I did miscarry then he could immediately tell whoever he needed to get that support straight away. We both felt happy with that and like it would give us what we needed.

Ironically shortly after the decision was made for us - I started bleeding heavily while I was at my mum's house (300 miles away from our house, where my husband was!) and there was no hiding it - I had to go to a&e, very distressing etc. Baby, miraculously, was fine but by that point my mum obviously knew and I didn't want her to know and his not to - didn't seem fair. So we told them.

Actually they've all been lovely and supportive and given us our space, and I'm glad they know on reflection. I still think you're being reasonable though!

Hopefully you can find a compromise that works.

Wishing you all the luck in the world btw. I don't think you're cold, or odd, or controlling, or whatever. It's a weird feeling, especially the first time. Those mental time milestones: blue line- wow it's really happening but if I just randomly changed my mind now, I could and with not much subterfuge, nobody would ever know. Then the 12 week scan; relax a little. That haze of weeks where you could still change your mind if you REALLY wanted to. You know you're not going to. But you could. If you wanted to. A luxury- no, a precious right- not afforded to everyone in this world. 20 week scan, relax a little more. A brief couple of weeks where I thought : if I went into labour right now, they might be duty bound try to save it though it would be better off if it was cuddled in a blanket and let die. Then- wow- if I went into labour right now the chances are it/he/she would live! Then- he/she would almost certainly live. Then- probably not even need to go in the neonatal intensive care unit. Buying a car seat now won't jinx it right??

Whoa there, hold up, he's not said he's GOING to tell his parents, he's said he WANTS to tell his parents. He's stating his wishes. I think its a bigger red flag that you think men should feel forced to hide their feelings and bottle things up.

I'd be hurt if my child only told me at 20wks. It just feels very secretive and stand offish to me.

@whiteslemonade I'm sad to see how many people think you're being unreasonable. I absolutely agree with you. Please do not get upset over the comments. I only told my family about my first pregnancy when I was around 4 months pregnant, then didn't tell DH's family until a week before my due date (there were issues with them at the time and hadn't wanted them to spoil my pregnancy - wish we hadn't told them at all as of course they spoilt the end of it).

Anyway, ended up with a traumatic birth with my first, so didn't tell my family I was pregnant with number two until I was 6 months gone, then didn't tell any of DH's family or any of our friends until a week after the birth. When we told them, we explained that it was because of my birth trauma and my wishes for it to be kept secret, so that no one would be annoyed at my DH. Everyone was thankfully understanding.

I too am a very private person, and as far as I'm concerned, what's going on in your uterus is your business and your husband should respect that. You're only asking him to wait another 4 weeks, which is hardly anything. If his family have an issue with finding out half-way through, that's your business. Just explain how you wanted to tell everyone in person and after you knew baby was healthy at the anomaly scan.

Honestly, if anyone has an issue with it, that's on them. Not everyone is a big announcer when it comes to pregnancies and some people just can't get their head around that strangely.

@SchoolShenanigans my mum was over the moon when I told her at 6 months pregnant.
She was so excited she didn't have to wait too long to meet her grandchild. And she was equally over the moon when siblings told her earlier in pregnancies.
I didn't expect anything less of her, nor for her to make my pregnancy about her and what I felt comfortable with.

This. I imagine OP will be one of those ridiculous women who insists on not having visitors for months after the baby is born.

YABU as you clearly want it all on your terms. You even say “ours mums and maybe his siblings”. Sure it’s fine to agree a time to tell people, we did it after the first scan.

I think another 4 weeks is not that big a deal. We didn’t tell anyone until after our first scan with our first which back then was the 20 week one. I just wanted to be sure everything was ok With the other children first scans were 12 weeks so most people knew then. No one knew before that though.

All these posts about how OP is the only one that matters…so when OP is tired later in pregnancy are we all agreed that her DH can simply ignore that and go to the pub with his mates? If he and his views or feelings don’t matter because he’s not pregnant then he doesn’t need to be involved until the baby is born at the very earliest. In fact, as he’s not carrying the baby, he can probably simply absolve himself of all responsibility and be exempt from blame.

Indeed. Or how the baby is born. If my husband tried to force me to conform or behave a certain way during pregnancy, he’d have regretted it.

Men really need to take a step back during pregnancy. Their role is simply to make the mother of their child as comfortable as possible. That is it. Their time to have some functional input is once the baby is born and everyone is good to go. Though their role retains a supporting aspect until the mother has recovered.

The handmaiden MRAs worry me.

Sone posters seem to not be able to imagine beyond their own excitable feelings around pregnancies. It is a hugely complex time, and the OP’s feelings around it should be respected and yes, do take huge precedence.

Why is everyone talking about men having ownership over their partners' bodies all over this thread.

OP's partner isn't forcing her to get an abortion or continue the pregnancy, it's a completely irrelevant tangent.

OP doesn't have ownership over her partner's tongue by the same logic - so why should she control what he says with it?

"I'm just such a private person..."

This isn't about him having rights over the baby. It's about his own right to talk to his family about his forthcoming child. It's not in the least terrifying.

I wonder how you'd feel if this was the other way round, and it was the father who wanted to keep things quiet and the mother who wanted to announce it. There's clearly a case for arguing that women don't have the right to share their partner's sexual and medical information. But what if that prevented the woman from seeking support from her relatives or friends?

Why would they be nasty? they're more likely to be hurt but I doubt they would even say anything, even if they did feel upset about not being told sooner? I think 20 weeks for medical reasons is perfectly normal when it comes to most of the family but not telling your respective mums sounds quite odd and controlling to me personally.

I get where your husband is coming from, I think the compromise would be to let him tell his mum, surely if anything was to go wrong he would be the one to tell them so not sure why you would feel so strongly about them knowing at this stage, I fully understand YOU not wanting to share with your family as that is fully your choice, but I thinks it's inconsiderate to stipulate that he can't when it's his child too. It sounds like it's been a strange time for both of you and he may feel like he needs his family support, but you're denying him that by insisting on it being a big secret. He may even be worried that instead of them being happy at the news when told, they'll be disappointed with him.

I don't want this to sound horrible, as it's a delicate subject but if I'm being perfectly honest it sounds to me that you're not 100% sure about this pregnancy at all and it almost sounds like you'd rather not tell people in case you decide to change your mind about the pregnancy, regardless of what the scan shows at 20 weeks.

I think a blanket ban on the other person doing something (whatever that is) in a relationship is only okay if you've got a genuine reason for it that you can express and they can understand, this 'because I said so' routine is a cop-out and he obviously doesn't fully understand your hesitation.

FWIW I wouldn't accept a 'because I said so' from my partner if I didn't agree with him about something, it's not how a healthy relationship with effective communication should work.

I do hope you wouldn't consider terminating your pregnancy at this point other than foetal abnormality?

I do hope you wouldn't consider judging a woman for deciding what to do with her own body.

That's quite obvious. The woman is pregnant. If she wants to tell people SHE is pregnant, that is up to her. Of course couples should discuss this stuff, but ultimately the woman takes precedence as she is the one carrying the baby.