To not want my husband to tell anyone I'm pregnant?

[whiteslemonade]

Hi - new user here, asking for some perspective.

I'm 16 weeks pregnant, first child. It's taken me a while to get my head round the pregnancy - it happened much faster than I was expecting for various reasons, so although we were open to getting pregnant, it has been very disorientating for me and once I actually had a positive test I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. Anyway, we're continuing with the pregnancy and I'm now 16 weeks.

I haven't told anyone, apart from my line manager at work. We're geographically far from our families and haven't seen them since I was around 8 weeks, so obviously not showing, and I haven't got much of a bump yet anyway. I feel a really, really strong pull to keep this private for a while yet - hopefully until after the anatomy scan. Then I will start telling our Mum's etc. and maybe husband's siblings if I feel ready. I am a very private person anyway about things, I don't want people to know until we know the baby is okay (or at least we know as much as we can until it's here), and this feels like a time for me and my husband to adjust to this stage of life. I can't explain how I feel, I just feel a need for this to be our business for a little longer still.

My husband really wants us to tell our Mum's and his siblings. He thinks they will be very hurt/will want to support us/will be confused, and that to him is more important than my comfort and privacy. I have read/seen that some people don't announce to anyone until they've given birth, so waiting until 20 weeks doesn't seem that bad! It's starting to cause problems between us as he is fixated on this, says it feels like a lie whenever he speaks to his mum or I speak to mine.

I think at this stage I'm the one who has the final say, as I am the one going through it. Any opinions? What can I say to him to make him understand?

I have never intimated in any way that the man's wishes should be prioritised over the woman's!!! I still think that in a loving relationship all issues should be discussed and dealt with as a partnership - and if you think that is wrong, well there is something wrong with you!!

They've discussed the issues, and they disagree with the right way forward.

You can discuss issues until the cows come home and both partners can love each other, but that doesn't mean either partner will ever change their mind. Ultimately, someone will always have to compromise... and as the one carrying the child, the woman has to have the final say.

Where no one changes their opinion, someone has to have the casting vote.

I feel sorry for your husband, you both created a baby, that was wanted (assuming you knew the likely outcome of trying to conceive)...now you want to kick the can down the road whilst you come to terms with the pregnancy (that you wanted).
It wasn't an unplanned shock.

I'm also a private person and pregnant with my first. We live abroad in a very small place so you either give in an waive all privacy, or you fight to hang onto it. Just by default many people knew before even the 12 weeks was up. Also, I had no choice but to divulge it to my senior colleagues as I was feeling so rotten and taking days off work. The rest of my colleagues are a gossipy group of ladies who immediately guessed once they noticed changes in some of my habits and demeanour. So ironically, many people who are not even close friends or family knew before I even told the close friends and family! I felt no rush to tell anybody as agree that it feels like something you want to keep between you and your husband. However, my mum is sadly not around anymore and I know for sure I'd have told her instantly. I told my dad and other family members closer to or after the 20 week scan. I think this is reasonable as it also saves you going through double revelations and the follow-up questions that you would have upon the 1st announcement (typically 12 weeks) and then again at 20 weeks. I can understand why your husband would want to tell his mum and friends before then. Yes it is your body, however I do think that we as women have to understand that this is also an adjustment and journey for men. It's very positive that he wants to share it, rather than, say, be ashamed or nonplussed by it.

YANBU

I’m a private person like you and I only told work because I had to. My DH and I don’t live near family so it was easy for them not to find out. We announced right before a 20 week scan only because DH wanted to tell his family after his sister announced her pregnancy with their second. Our oldest was diagnosed with iugr and I wanted a second opinion (the way she said it and her reasoning was to put it lightly unprofessional and based on her eyes and nothing else) was met with disagreement from in-laws side (support from my parents’ side) and because doctor’s supposedly knows best even though none of them but DH and I were there. We did get a second opinion by a fetal specialist in iugr who disagreed with her and said that there was no evidence of it. No apologies of course from DH’s side but it did prove to us that it is better for us to wait until after the anomaly scan before telling anyone. We have not told anyone before the anomaly scan since the first.

Tbh, I wouldn’t announce my pregnancy at all if I didn’t have to and I don’t care if family have an issue with it since it is my body going through it and I don’t owe them or anyone an announcement of my pregnancy or our baby. If the worst were to happen, I would want to deal with it privately as is my choice as it is someone else’s to want support from others.

It annoys me how many people can’t respect that every pregnant woman doesn’t want to disclose as soon as they see a positive sign and that it is still their personal, private medical business that they can choose to disclose when they desire.

There is absolutely nothing wrong in waiting until after the anomaly scan as there isn’t anything wrong with telling people as soon as you desire. What isn’t on, is causing you unnecessary stress (considering you are the one pregnant) because you want to make sure baby is healthy before telling anyone.

Good luck OP and congratulations. :-)

Absolutely agree with @Butchyrestingface. Are your family heavily involved in your relationship? What if he had asked your parents permission and they'd said 'no' should he have then said 'OK then' and split up with you, or asked anyway knowing they didn't approve? Should he have then told you this?

Ultimately, I think you have the casting vote here. If you insist on keeping it private, i think he has to accept that. You are the one who is carrying the baby.

BUT I think you should probably reconsider. While you have the right to insist, you may be souring this for him, which is not particularly considerate of his feelings. You also risk alienating relatives who you may want support from later. Although you may think it's not their business, I think most mums/MILs would think it off that you keep it secret for so long without a reason, and they are likely to be offended. Yes, you want to be private, but that desire may damage relationships.

I'm not unsympathetic. I'm currently 17 weeks and only told my parents this week, andDH hasn't told all his family yet. But there was something very specific we needed to get settled first, and everyone would have been stressed if they knew I was pregnant, so we kept it quiet for a while. I still haven't told work and hope not to for at least another week, although my bump is starting to get a little harder to hide(3rd pregnancy)

It's the "Mayyybe his siblings I dunno" bit I don't agree with. It's incredibly unfair to expect his mum to keep secrets from the rest of the family for another 20 weeks.

I find it interesting that you described it as "he is fixated on this" @whiteslemonade when surely you are just as "fixated" on not telling anyone. Like it's a negative in his position but perfectly fine for you.
Your post at 16:14 almost sounds like you want something to be wrong so your choice will be validated.

Ridiculous.

YANBU.

You are the one growing the foetus inside your body. It’s your pregnancy, it’s your medical information, nobody else has any right to pass it on. Men don’t suddenly gain ownership of their partners’ bodies upon pregnancy.

Once the baby is born , both parents have responsibilities to (not ‘rights to’) the baby. Men never have rights over a woman’s body, even in pregnancy.

The mother shouldn't breastfeed in that situation.

The father telling a family member that he is becoming a father doesn't involve the mother using her body every 2-3 hours (or less), day or night.

It isn't the same.

The announcement is about the pregnancy. She is the one who is pregnant. The announcement is about her body.

You sound like seriously hard work. I personally think you're being unreasonable here and pretty much disregarding your husbands feelings. It sounds to me like you don't really want this baby and this is about controlling the one thing that you can control.

Quietly telling his own mother about the baby is hardly ''the announcement''.

I agree.

I bet he'll have no say when the baby is born too, it will all be 'I gave birth so I make all the choices'.

But it isn't just announcing what is happening with his wife's body is it? It's wanting g to talk about becoming a parent, sharing that excitement and possibly concerns. Telling people about a pregnancy is about far more than the actual foetal development. Obviously.

I don't remember ever discussing with DH about when we were telling our families. It was both our news to share. My pregnancies, but our babies. Including the one I miscarried at 10 weeks. Still his loss to talk about as well as mine.

Which he can still do next month when she has had the anomaly scan.

And which he could also entirely reasonably do today, or weeks ago.

Not without upsetting his wife who is pregnant.

This feels either super-controlling or as if you're properly ambivalent about your pregnancy. Kindly, time is ticking on. Soon you'll show and not long till the baby is here. Then what? You don't seem to have a plan beyond going with your reluctance to acknowledge your coming baby. Most dads (and mums) to be want to share that joy even if it's terrifying. And many of them fell into pregnancy more unexpectedly than you.

Unreasonably so in my opinion and lots of others. Still doesn't give her the right to control her husband's conversations with his family. But you think it does so we'll never agree.

Yanbu OP. Although we did tell our parents when I fell pregnant soon after we found out, it was totally up to me and DH would've been happy with whatever I wanted. We didn't tell anyone else until my 20 week scan as I wanted to know everything was OK before sharing the news. Until that baby is born, it's your body, your baby, your pregnancy and your wishes should come first.

For all those saying its nothing to do with the dh till birth, on the threads where pregnant poster says 'I'm exhausted with the pregnancy, I'm ill I need his help'
Do posters say, 'well this is nothing to do with him you being pregnant' or do they say 'he needs to step up op and look after your and HIS unborn child'?