To not want my husband to tell anyone I'm pregnant?

[whiteslemonade]

Hi - new user here, asking for some perspective.

I'm 16 weeks pregnant, first child. It's taken me a while to get my head round the pregnancy - it happened much faster than I was expecting for various reasons, so although we were open to getting pregnant, it has been very disorientating for me and once I actually had a positive test I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. Anyway, we're continuing with the pregnancy and I'm now 16 weeks.

I haven't told anyone, apart from my line manager at work. We're geographically far from our families and haven't seen them since I was around 8 weeks, so obviously not showing, and I haven't got much of a bump yet anyway. I feel a really, really strong pull to keep this private for a while yet - hopefully until after the anatomy scan. Then I will start telling our Mum's etc. and maybe husband's siblings if I feel ready. I am a very private person anyway about things, I don't want people to know until we know the baby is okay (or at least we know as much as we can until it's here), and this feels like a time for me and my husband to adjust to this stage of life. I can't explain how I feel, I just feel a need for this to be our business for a little longer still.

My husband really wants us to tell our Mum's and his siblings. He thinks they will be very hurt/will want to support us/will be confused, and that to him is more important than my comfort and privacy. I have read/seen that some people don't announce to anyone until they've given birth, so waiting until 20 weeks doesn't seem that bad! It's starting to cause problems between us as he is fixated on this, says it feels like a lie whenever he speaks to his mum or I speak to mine.

I think at this stage I'm the one who has the final say, as I am the one going through it. Any opinions? What can I say to him to make him understand?

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, however… I do think you should look for a compromise. You want 4 more weeks and he wants zero so why not meet in the middle at 2 weeks? I say this as someone keen to wait as long as possible for very similar reasons but the day has to come eventually and it allows both of you to get some much needed support from your families. I also felt very much better about everything once it wasn’t a secret anymore

Your body, you get to decide.

How is it a red flag to want to inform his mother and siblings? He is not saying he wants to plaster it all over social media etc he is asking to tell his close family members and you conclude it’s a red flag which means he will not advocate for her etc. the way people on mumsnet take things to the next level is alarming.

I would be so angry if I found out my daughter was pregnant and the father's Mum knew weeks before I did! I think tell both sets of parents and swear them to secrecy until after the 20 week scan. But as OP said they won't be seeing them in person for a while and I do think this kind of news is lovely to tell in person. I loved seeing the look on my Mum's face when I told her and getting all the hugs 🥰

If your mum or his is a more than once time mum themselves I'll tell you now they'll sniff that baby out like a fish supper at the Seaside. I kind of agree with both we come from a large family and I told my mum early on at about 3 weeks. His mum isn't on the scene but we did email her to let her know at 20 weeks most people had guessed between 16-20 weeks anyway. We did our official announcement at 20 weeks. I can see why he wants to tell his mum could you not compromise and say mums only till 20 weeks ask them not to announce as you'd like to announce it yourself at 20 weeks.

I see it from both sides but I do think that you’re being slightly unreasonable. I appreciate it’s your body but at the same time it’s both of you that created that child he’s clearly very excited about the fact that he’s going to be a dad and if he wants to tell people he should be allowed to. just because you are carrying the baby doesn’t mean you automatically get to make every decision it should be a mutual decision and sometimes compromises need to be made.

I told my close family and friends that I was pregnant and miscarried and was so grateful for the support I received and that I didn’t have to go through it on my own. I then got pregnant again not long after and we told close friends and family again, my partner always asked if he could tell certain people certain things and still does now as my pregnancy is progressing and I think that he gets equal say on things because he helped create the child.

once the child is born are you going to allow your partner to make decisions or will he still have to consult you first? because in my opinion it’s no different to that. It sounds like you’re unsure about the pregnancy in the first place and to be honest it might be nice for you to have the support, if you keep it from people and they find out that you didn’t want to tell them they may take offence and it may cause issues in the future again I’m
speaking from experience.

For various reasons I also didn’t tell people (including close family) until 16 weeks (we had a private scan). I have work colleagues who told me the day after they took a test so it’s very much each to their own. I think it might damage your/his relationship with the grandparents not to tell them but I can understand why you want it private for now. Neither of you are being unreasonable. Can you agree a date to let th know and a nice way to do it, a card with a scan picture in, a grandparent present or something. There is always a chance they find out (someone spots you at the doctors or notices a pregnancy book in your bag for example - both of these happened to me as the person noticing someone’s pregnancy) and they could be very upset. you’ll realise how important supportive grandparents are when you have a baby so including them in your special news is important I think.

No need for any more replies - this one nails it!

I think after the 20 week scan is fine. Yes it’s your husband’s baby and needs to be a mutual decision, but it’s your body and you need to do what you feel comfortable with. We didn’t tell anyone about my pregnancy with second DC until after 20 week scan as I’d had a miscarriage not long before and also nearly lost first baby in the second trimester. It was what we both felt comfortable with and everyone was understanding and excited for us. Depending on whether you will be wanting to know the gender that makes the surprise even more special if you have that added to your news too. Best of luck with your pregnancy.

Absolutely this!!!

YANBU.

Yes it's both your baby but in this situation, I'd say it's perfectly understandable why you want to wait until the anomaly scan.

I felt the same with my pregnancies and thankfully my partner respected my decision and why I felt the way I did.

Even though I knew if anything happened, I would tell them, I just didn't feel comfortable with the idea until I was sure as could be that everything would go well.

It's only a few more weeks - i would be aware though that he might do it behind your back which would be a shame.

once the child is born are you going to allow your partner to make decisions or will he still have to consult you first? because in my opinion it’s no different to that.

This point isn't the same thing - any big decisions (like revealing a pregnancy for example...) absolutely should be discussed in a trusting relationship.

And really, his excitement doesn't over rule your mental health and wellbeing, which is already challenged during pregnancy.

Certainly not for the sake of a few weeks.

I wonder if he wants to tell people because he's scared OP will change her mind again and choose to terminate.

The only person you'd have a right to be angry at is the one who didn't what to tell you - your daughter. Which seems unfair if you're happy to not know until she's given birth because it's nothing to do with anyone else who they tell

@whiteslemonade I felt unsure when I found out I was pregnant. It defo took me longer to get my head around than my other half. But as soon as I told one person, their reaction was so lovely and helped me realise this was really exciting, a really good thing, and exactly what we wanted. The more people we told, the more that feeling solidified. My other half wanted to tell people at 7 weeks, I wanted to wait until 16 weeks, so we compromised and told people after the first hospital scan. I think you need to find a compromise. It might be your body growing the baby, but it is his baby (and you aren't choosing to carry the baby, it's just biology....)

There’s a branch of our family who are similar.

Any “big” news is kept secret for as long as possible, with information being dripfed as and when required.

There was one bit of news, happy news unconnected to anyone’s medical information, which was held back from the wider family for months. When it did come out, it caused a lot of hurt and offence. People congratulated them to their face, but amongst the rest of the family they just spoke about how bloody weird it was that they didn’t tell anyone.

These are my inlaws so I don’t really have any skin in the game, but the common thread every time this happens is that the family in question think whatever it is is a much, much bigger deal to the rest of the clan than it is. No one else is that invested in someone else’s retirement/engagement/whatever- they’ll make the usual pleasantries and that’ll be the end of it.

I'd ask your husband why he feels it's lying now but wasn't before. YADNBU. I didn't tell anyone about my pregnancy until 20 weeks (other than my boss re maternity leave). I was excited about the pregnancy but also felt a bit ambivalent about having to talk to people about it, so I get it. It's like having a serious illness and not wanting to tell people because you feel you can't handle their sad, sympathetic faces and their awkward responses - but in this case it is having to handle people's excitement and the barrage of questions. Keep it to yourself until you're ready I'd say.

Hi, i waited until after 12 week scan to tell parents and 20 week scan for everyone else. I just felt nervous of complications and for me it felt like if the worst was to happen, I wouldn’t want others to know, therefore the argument of getting support didn’t stand for us. I’m sure people would understand when you explain you were nervous and simply wanting to know everything was ok at scan before getting everyone’s hopes up as you know how excited grandparents to be would be. You could make it nice with a personalised gift etc, and more special as it is face to face. I know people who have waited a while for the reason of having it face to face, perhaps this could be your mains reason to give.

Perhaps a chat with your husband about being your biggest support is needed and also that it’s important to keep your stress levels to a minimum now. Good luck and hope that other than this, you are having a great pregnancy xx

The thing that jumps out at me is that your DH says he feels he’s lying to his mum, when he speaks to her and doesn’t tell her this news. He is vested in his mum’s feelings more than he’s vested in his yours.

Personally I don’t buy all the “medical information” stuff that MN often spouts. Pregnancy is very different from other things that happen to our bodies, for many reasons.

The bottom line is that you need time to get things straight before other people put their feelings on you. You’re not ready yet. It could just as well be about telling family you’ve lost a job or have to relocate to Australia as having a baby. You need time before announcing it. Period.

I would possibly think there might have been fertility issues or problems with previous loss, both of which are matters which some couples prefer to keep private.

The 20-week scan is known as the anomaly scan with good reason. As I'd had previous losses I had a private scan at 16 weeks. I was terrified of waiting a further four weeks only to hear yet more bad news and those dreaded, awful words 'no heartbeat' one more time. Thankfully with that pregnancy all was fine, but any mum who's had problem pregnancies knows that even a healthy pregnancy can be a very frightening time.

Were I the mother of a DD who informed me of her pregnancy at 20 weeks I'd respect her reason for doing so, even if I didn't know what it was. I would reassure her I was there to support her no matter what. And I'd be delighted at that news, no matter what stage she chose to tell me.

Hold out until 20 weeks if that's what you feel you want to do, OP. You've waited this long so a few more weeks can't matter. A loving family will be supportive.

And finally, congratulations! 💐

Tell a small lie to the relatives. Say you were ‘spotting’ and waited until the 20 week scan to make sure everything was ok before announcing the pregnancy.

Although I understand why you don’t want to tell everybody yet; it’s his child too and he absolutely has every right to tell people he trusts and is close to.

If you have your 20 week scan and something is wrong would you expect him to process that with no support? If he wanted to speak to family about it they wouldn’t have even known about the pregnancy…

As we have had 6 miscarriages and on of those we had to bury 💔 when we found out we were expecting the last two times we have 3 boys 5 3 and 13 months but the last two pregnancy’s we waited till 18 weeks with second baby as we booked our own private scan baby was ok then we told them and last baby I was 22 weeks before we said anything so we told everyone on New Year’s Eve and he was born in April 22 it’s nobody’s business only yours x

I told close family at 12 weeks but waited until my 17 week gender scan to tell everyone else. I think my mam and mil would have been upset if I didn't want to tell them earlier on.