Who's bring unreasonable here? Birthday involved

[adviceseeker22]

I've been called to go to meeting on my birthday in London. We live 5-6 hours away so it's a long way to go, however they obviously pay for my travel expenses.

We were originally thinking of going on a one night staycation for my birthday. Obviously, this new meet changes the plans, but I see it as a decent opportunity. We get some of the expenses paid, and we get to celebrate in London, win-win.

Now, DH is saying that it's too far away to go for basically one day, and I'll just have to go on my own and have my meeting.

Which then means I'll be on my own for the entirety of my birthday (bar that meeting).

I'm starting to get annoyed with him, but I don't know if I'm just being unreasonable.

Note: he was happy to spend two night in a spa hotel that is about 3 hours and a bit away.

Well, he's right that it's a long way to go but he's being mean by not going with you if you were planning a birthday trip anyway!
You're going to have to make the trip, so I'm surprised he doesn't want to spend time with you on your birthday and during the journey.
Could the meeting be rescheduled or done via Zoom or whatever? It's a long way to go for a meeting!

I’d be inclined to suck it up on the birthday itself and celebrate with DH on a close by day. Hard to tell if he’s being unreasonable without knowing what he does, is he working, taking time off etc? But 5-6 hours travel with the prospect of you being unavailable with work for a chunk of the time seems a bit much. 3 hours is a lot less than 5-6. I don’t think it’s an unreasonable call for him to make.

The trip was never about your birthday, he doesn't want to just be with you because it isn't about you, for him. He's being selfish.

He's being an arse & a stupid one. Who on earth is so weird or clingy that they cannot think of a million and one things to do child free on a day out in London on their own 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think you’ve turned your bday into a work trip so tbh I don’t think he’s unreasonable to say he won’t come

My boss's boss is visiting from the US so it's a one off thing that has to be in person or simply not bother.

He'd have to take annual leave. I'd only be away for like 2-3 hours, and then we'd have the rest of the day to ourselves.

I think you just do it on a different day - unless you are under the age of 18 then birthdays can be done on any day (an even then, frankly celebrated on any day). If I was your husband I’m not sure I would want to be trekking that far, have you off at a meeting for presumably potentially a couple of hours at least and then in wind down work mode. Just find a different day.

It wouldn't be child free, we'd bring our 3yo with us. We'd still have two nights in London

So a 2 night spa trip has turned into a one night city break to accommodate your work. I'd want to rearrange in those circumstances but I'm not precious about the actual day itself I don't care if I celebrate another day

Meh, I couldn't bring myself to care about this tbh. DP and I have often had work stuff on our birthdays. As an adult you just have to shrug it off and plan something nice for another time. I can understand why your DP isn't wild about travelling six hours for you to have a work thing for 3 hours and then a bit of time in London before a six hour journey back. Just have a nice time yourself and do something fun with him another time!

We recently did a 3.5 hr drive for a night away, it was too long. I can see both sides and being princessy about being on your own all day when you're the one who set up the work meeting is a bit unfair.

Although the work thing is scheduled for 2-3 hours, is it a cast iron guarantee that you'll only be needed for that time? Or is there a chance that the meeting will be longer?

If you only see your boss face to face very occasionally then I'd expect the day to be about work and will probably be more than just the meeting

Book some other time to celebrate your birthday

I was all set to say it sounded like a good day out but fuck me 5-6 hours travel with a 3 year old for less than 24 hours in London to them ajve to travel all that way back again the next day would be a hell no from me. It doesn't sound enjoyable for anyone.

Treat your actual birthday as a normal weekday and instead have a 'birthday weekend' on which you have your 'one night staycation'

It's a two night city break. Yes, it's guaranteed to only be two hours, it's basically a social meeting (because we never get to see him).

If you still get 2 nights away and they are now paid for, and you will definitely only be gone for 3 hours of it, then it would be nice if he could make the effort!

How would you travel to London? Train or plane would be better than a 6 hour drive each way...

I think YABU. If you want to go to London with your DH and DC, book leave and go another time. What if your meeting runs over? Ask sounds a bit stressful for just one day.

Just seen it's 2 nights, but I still think YABU.

gawd and he’d have to entertain your 3 year old in London (which is not much fun) whilst you are off. Presumably the spa was meant for the two of you. You must be able to see his point here, surely?

Now there's a 3 year old in the mix I definitely think YABU. The toddler's going to wonder where you've gone which is going to make it more difficult than it was ever going to be in the first place. I can imagine it might be brilliantly easy and fun for some parents, but tbh I'm on DHs side. Get the travelling and meeting over with, then plan something more relaxing that suits everybody. Can't imagine two 5/6 hour journeys in the space of 3 days is going to be fun for anyone.

Hell no. A 5-6 hour journey each way with a 3 year old. Then you’ll disappear for 2-3 hours. I am with your husband and certainty wouldn’t go either.

Just celebrate your birthday on a different day when you don't have an important work meeting taking up several hours. Dragging your partner along to a work trip where your time isn't totally your own is unreasonable. What if your boss's boss is late or the meeting runs over or he/she wants to socialise afterwards?

I don't understand adults who place so much emphasis on the actual day itself. A good celebration with your loved ones is the same whether it's on the day, a week early or a week late.

My OH would be more than happy for the trip to London, regardless of the distance- I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. And for pp's saying the toddler would wonder where you are/entertaining a 3 year old- it's 3 hours!! You would be gone for over 24 hours if it were just you going for work.