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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's bring unreasonable here? Birthday involved

122 replies

adviceseeker22 · 07/06/2023 10:42

I've been called to go to meeting on my birthday in London. We live 5-6 hours away so it's a long way to go, however they obviously pay for my travel expenses.

We were originally thinking of going on a one night staycation for my birthday. Obviously, this new meet changes the plans, but I see it as a decent opportunity. We get some of the expenses paid, and we get to celebrate in London, win-win.

Now, DH is saying that it's too far away to go for basically one day, and I'll just have to go on my own and have my meeting.

Which then means I'll be on my own for the entirety of my birthday (bar that meeting).

I'm starting to get annoyed with him, but I don't know if I'm just being unreasonable.

Note: he was happy to spend two night in a spa hotel that is about 3 hours and a bit away.

OP posts:
Original poster
adviceseeker22 · 07/06/2023 11:20

The 3yo was always meant to come (we found a hotel with a 90min crèche facility).

However, I wanted to go somewhere else for my birthday but he categorically said no because we'd have to do the spa in turns

OP posts:
Tenacioustattle · 07/06/2023 11:20

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
adviceseeker22 · 07/06/2023 11:26

He's been able to entertain our 3yo before (when I ran the London marathon is the most recent one).

I'm fairly precious about dates when it comes to my birthday. I'm happy to celebrate early, but not later.

OP posts:
Teeheehee1579 · 07/06/2023 11:40

You seem to want to paint him as unreasonable in all scenarios - not wanting to go to London to look after your 3 year old whilst you go to a work meeting, not wanting to go to the spa you wanted to go to because you’d have to look after your 3 year old in shifts. Now on the surface, he seems pretty reasonable to want to spend the whole day with you, the London plan sounds a bit rubbish for anyone but you and going to a spa together when you will be off doing things separately also sounds a bit rubbish but we don’t know what’s going on behind the scenes so perhaps he is a selfish bugger - who knows.

RightWhereYouLeftMe · 07/06/2023 11:47

YABU. Just pick a different day where it isn't interrupted by a work meeting, and you haven't had to travel 6 hours with a 3 year old.

Wendysfriend · 07/06/2023 11:51

I'm confused, is it one or two nights in London? Does he want to go to the spa hotel instead? Why do you need creche facilities?

2 nights in London would be really lovely, you could arrange a nice meal out after the meeting for your birthday and have the whole next day to do as you want.

The spa hotel sounds awful, but that's probably because I hate them and my dh would rather eat his own eye balls than go to one. It doesn't sound very relaxing with a toddler and trying to take turns watching him.

caringcarer · 07/06/2023 11:53

Just go on the weekend. If your going to be in a 3 hour meeting what's DH supposed to do? He'll get bored just sat waiting for you then be in a bad mood. I'd want all of the 2 day break anyway so just go at the weekend.

Original poster
adviceseeker22 · 07/06/2023 11:57

It's two nights in London, and it's a social meeting. So 2 hours tops. We're not going to discuss anything important, just to see that we exist in real life.

The alternative is that I'll spend at the very least 36hours on my own, and big chunk of that would be on a train.

OP posts:
TheSnowyOwl · 07/06/2023 11:58

I’d just do the birthday celebrations on a different day and stick with the original plan.

SummerInSun · 07/06/2023 12:03

I'm with your DH on this, for a lot of reasons.

  • You think the meeting will only be 2 hours but you don't know. What if the big cheese's other meetings run early/late/get cancelled/rescheduled and he wants to move the time or stay longer? It would be massively unprofessional for you to be faffing around trying to communicate with your DH or worse still trying to get away. When the boss's boss is in town, you MUST give that your full attention.
  • There is a huge difference between taking a 3 year old on a three hour journey vs a 5 hour journey.
  • You should celebrate your birthday with a proper uninterrupted break with your DH and DC, not having to mentally switch between birthday mode and work mode.

I'd treat this as win win - you and DH and DC have the other trip you planned a few days before or after. Then have a great "you" time in London on the day when not working - go shopping, go to a gallery or museum your DC wouldn't have the patience for, have a nice meal, etc.

SeeingSpots · 07/06/2023 12:03

adviceseeker22 · 07/06/2023 11:57

It's two nights in London, and it's a social meeting. So 2 hours tops. We're not going to discuss anything important, just to see that we exist in real life.

The alternative is that I'll spend at the very least 36hours on my own, and big chunk of that would be on a train.

In the space of this thread it's gone from 2-3 hour to 2 hours tops. If it's an informal meeting it's likely to last longer than that without you even intending on it doing so especially if you've never met before and are unlikely to do so again.

To be honest both ideas sound shit for him and you with your 3 year old in the mix. Do you really think she'd enjoy being on a train for 6 hours dragged around London and then going out for dinner to then do the same long journey in reverse so soon after. The whole thing sounds very dull for her. Also the spa trip would she be stuck in the hotel room? Small children aren't generally allowed in spas, for good reason so that again sounds boring for her.

I think your DH has just had the realisation that the whole thing would be more trouble than it was worth and not at all conducive to a relaxing birthday trip away.

wowie69 · 07/06/2023 12:04

He's being a bit of an arse. Could you extend the stay by a night (either an extra night in London or one at a spa hotel on the way back)?

Original poster
adviceseeker22 · 07/06/2023 12:07

I asked my manager again. She says it will be 2 hours because he needs to catch a train for another meeting up north. I've met him before BTW and my manager thinks it's a massive waste of time but hey ho.

OP posts:
bussteward · 07/06/2023 12:10

adviceseeker22 · 07/06/2023 11:00

It wouldn't be child free, we'd bring our 3yo with us. We'd still have two nights in London

This sounds like a nightmare, sorry. Travelling 5-6 hours with a three year old – and back again! – to tag a birthday onto a work meeting? I’m Team DH.

Original poster
adviceseeker22 · 07/06/2023 12:10

I travel so much for work that I don't find them relaxing but rather lonely. I took my DM for a 24hr trip to Edinburgh and it was actually quite nice! We didn't see anything interesting, but we went to nice restaurants and didn't have to pay the full bill.

So I guess I have a different POV about them.

OP posts:
WaltzingWaters · 07/06/2023 12:13

I do understand his point. But if you could make the trip a little longer and you’ll definitely only be gone for a couple hours for work, it’s definitely a reasonable ask and would be nice to do on your bday.

SeeingSpots · 07/06/2023 12:13

adviceseeker22 · 07/06/2023 12:10

I travel so much for work that I don't find them relaxing but rather lonely. I took my DM for a 24hr trip to Edinburgh and it was actually quite nice! We didn't see anything interesting, but we went to nice restaurants and didn't have to pay the full bill.

So I guess I have a different POV about them.

Taking your mum somewhere is not at all on the same level as taking a 3 year old. If you want company and someone to share the journey with your mum would actually be a better shout or she has your daughter and then just you and your DH go. It's the 3 year old coming along too that makes the whole idea bonkers.

YukoandHiro · 07/06/2023 12:16

Where do you live? It takes less than 6 hours to get to London from Aberdeen if you fly....

Suggest you find a way to reduce the travelling time as expenses are paid

Original poster
adviceseeker22 · 07/06/2023 12:17

I don't think it's necessarily the 3yo who is the problem, just that he thinks it's a long way and his AL is very limited.

I've just asked a bunch of WhatsApp friends if we should hang out instead and they said yes, so problem solved I guess!

OP posts:
Hbh17 · 07/06/2023 12:17

I'd take the chance to have a night in London any time, so YANBU on that point.
But YABU also because it's absolutely fine to spend your birthday alone - I did that last year (by choice) and went to a gallery and a show in London by myself. I had a lovely time .

Talipesmum · 07/06/2023 12:18

Asking your DH and 3 year old to accompany you on a 2 night trip to London, 5-6 hours there and 5-6 hours back on the train, so you aren’t all alone on the train on your birthday, and have someone to keep you company for the rest of your birthday while you’re in London, seems like a lot to ask of people. It’s a lot of travel, and I really struggle to imagine it’d be nicer with a toddler than without?! Honestly he’s not being unreasonable in this. Celebrate your birthday beforehand and enjoy the time to yourself in London - I’d love this tbh!

Talipesmum · 07/06/2023 12:19

adviceseeker22 · 07/06/2023 12:17

I don't think it's necessarily the 3yo who is the problem, just that he thinks it's a long way and his AL is very limited.

I've just asked a bunch of WhatsApp friends if we should hang out instead and they said yes, so problem solved I guess!

It is a long way - not “he thinks it is” and with limited AL he’s even less unreasonable.

Glad you’ve found some friends to hang out with - great solution.

Hbh17 · 07/06/2023 12:20

OP, you admit to being "precious" so.....
Enjoy yourself however you like, but no sensible adult needs to celebrate their birthday at all.

SeeingSpots · 07/06/2023 12:22

adviceseeker22 · 07/06/2023 12:17

I don't think it's necessarily the 3yo who is the problem, just that he thinks it's a long way and his AL is very limited.

I've just asked a bunch of WhatsApp friends if we should hang out instead and they said yes, so problem solved I guess!

Well it's not that he thinks it's a long way, it is a long way especially with a 3 year old to entertain on the journey and once there.

I'm glad you found a solution in meeting with some friends, although I'm surprised that wasn't your first thought rather than taking the 3 year old with you. Especially if he's got not much annual leave, far more sensible to save it for when the 3 year old needs looking after when they are sick and can't go to childcare.

Original poster
adviceseeker22 · 07/06/2023 12:22

I think we'd drive rather than taking the train. Train is like 4.5hrs.

The flights are two expensive though (about £300) whereas they'd fork out for the mileage if I'm driving (and it includes all of us).

OP posts: