Sister and babysitting

[Notanothermoan]

Hi, this may be a long one so apologies in advance. I have 3 younger sisters, we all have children. One of my sisters has a little girl (4) who we believe has severe sensory issues and is going through the rigmarole of getting a diagnosis, my sister is a lone parent, DN’s dad isn’t in the picture, our mom was a huge help before she passed away at the beginning of this year so now her only support is from us, her sisters and occasionally our dad. DN is extremely hard work - I say this in the nicest way I can. She is none verbal, can be aggressive when upset/frustrated, she doesn’t sleep, she is usually awake till 5am, she will scream the most high pitched scream when her moms leaves and this will carry on for hours, she doesn’t sit to eat any food and will only eat walking around meaning lots of food is usually trod into carpet/furniture, she is petrified of animals (dad has a dog so she hates staying with him), she won’t sleep alone so has to sleep in the bed with the adult in charge (won’t sleep with children either) and of course as she doesn’t go to sleep until 5am you are also awake with her, usually the time spent before her going to sleep she is either running back and forth around a room, making loud noises or crying/screaming loudly so the whole house is usually awake. I’m just painting a picture of her here so that you can understand why it’s a challenge to look after her, not to speak bad of her, we all think the world of her and are a very close family. My sister tends to ask for childcare a lot, she’s a little bit of a party animal, when mom was here it was every weekend, DN and mom were very close and mom knew exactly how to handle her, probably better than my sister does. Usually she will ask our sister who lives round the corner from her, however she has an 18mo and is currently due with baby no2 and has started to say no to childcare, she has never had DN overnight because she can’t cope but has now said no to daytime care too, which is understandable. My other sister has 3 children and works full time but is often happy to have her unless busy or at work, I live an hour away from my family so I am usually last resort. I’m on maternity leave until December, I have DD7 and DS who is 8 weeks, my sister has asked us if one of us could have her daughter for a week while she goes away on a girls holiday. As I’m not at work, have the older child and baby instead of baby and toddler I’m probably going to be the one who is expected to have DN. My sister can become really upset when she can’t get childcare, she will straight away pull the ‘nobody wants to watch my child because you don’t like her’ card, which is obviously not true, she will say she needs a break she is alone which I totally get. The 3 of us all have partners and support from in-laws with childcare and I totally get where she’s coming from, but what do you do in this situation? I want her to have a life and understand that she has it tough but that week would be extremely hard work.

AIBU - it’s literally a week just have the child
AINBU - it’s too much, say no

I'm sorry but your sister is failing your DN massively. She honestly sounds ill equipped to cope with a child let alone one with SN.

She needs to start prioritising her daughter, getting her properly assessed and into the right school - although she's left that too late for September. I should imagine your DN will be out of school again after week 1 in mainstream if she has all the issues you've described - it'll be another change of environment which she won't cope with and which will intensify her behaviour.
I think you siblings and your DF need to sit your DS down and have an adult conversation about what DN needs - and it's not being abandoned by her mother on a regular basis. If she can get DN the professional support she needs then maybe things will settle down and then DS can have her 'girlies' holiday.

She needs a social care assessment for the daughter urgently and a carers assessment for your sister.

This will identify the ongoing issues and she will have access to funding through Social services. They will be looking to stop the home situation breaking down.

As sadly your mum who was an additional carer has passed away, now is the time to get this assessed.

She needs a social worker and access to help. You are not in a reasonable position to step up to do this.

TBF SEN school places are like hens teeth and a lot of councils try to push mainstream as a) it's cheaper and b) see above. I'm guessing she isn't in nursery or such high level of needs would've been flagged up before now and an application made for an ECHP (your sister should do this now but it's already too late for it to be done by September). I feel sorry for the school if they've not even had a discussion about her needs, mainstream schools get a tiny amount of additional funding to cover 'mild' SEN needs where the child can copy with the normal differentiation of work and standard staffing ratios.

I should add, this is Disability Team Social worker not Child Protection Social Worker.

This is not the same as the Social worker who would have been involved in the beginning with DV issues.

She's pre-verbal and wears nappies - how is a classroom teacher in a mainstream school going to manage that at all? What benefit will DN get from that experience?

It doesn't sound like your sister is coping if she hasn't even put a plan in place for schooling.

I feel sorry for your niece, she needs stability and I also feel sorry for your sister, she has this day in day out so obviously needs a break.

I don't feel a weeks girls holiday should be a break though.

1-2 nights a month should be suffice and she really should be understanding. Looking after a SEN child is hard for the parent, and especially hard for non parents.

DN hasn't been actually been diagnosed yet?

Surely it's in your DS interest to get her DD diagnosed in order to get the best advice/help that is available for your DN.

As hard as it is, your sister needs to accept that her mum has gone and her lifestyle needs to change.

Is your niece currently at nursery or preschool. Given her needs I would have thought they or the health visitors would have been fixing advice regarding education or linking with the school she is due to go to.

On the topic of your post- no YANBU to say no to looking after your niece for a week so she can go on holiday. I’ve never been away a whole week without my children and I don’t get 1-2 nights a month away either. I think what you and your sisters support with already is enough given you have your own small children.

I would encourage your sister to contact social care and ask for a social worker from the disabled children’s team. If her child has significant needs it likely will increase with her age. They can help with linking with schools, respite and transition to adulthood services etc. they might also pick up on things to help in the home eg making the sleep space safe for when she is awake, developing strategies for managing her needs etc.

As others have said. Having a child with additional needs is hard. But that’s tough titties.

she needs to start properly parenting rather than fobbing her off on willing relatives so
she can go out on the lash.

her daughter needs the structure and comfort of a routine. Not the instability of being carted around like an unwanted object from pillar to post.

if your sister liaised more with social services and other professionals maybe she’d get better support, respite, assessment etc.

Your sisters immature and unreliable behaviour would also be a NO from me. You can’t rely on her to turn up on time to
Collect her own child?!

If shes so unhappy then maybe she should look at having her daughter placed on foster care.

I was 18 when I had my eldest and there was no overnight support and certainly no girls holidays for a weekend let alone a week. All my holidays were with my children and often in a tent or borrowing folks caravan etc.

You all need as a a family to stop letting her emotionally blackmail you. She needs to learn it won’t work and that whilst you love them both she needs a tough love approach and to parent her child better. Her Daughter deserves a better mother than the one you are describing.

Your sister needs to grow up. Party time is over once you are a parent. Also this an absolutely impossible situation to sustain. Fear of social service or not she needs to get with the program and get help for her daughter and herself. It's incredibly selfish to put her need for partying over her daughter's need for help

There is absolutely no way I’d mind my niece for a week to enable my sister to go on a girls holiday. It’s too big an ask.

She usually sleeps through and doesn’t answer her phone. When she did this with mom she knew she could get away with it, mom would never agree to a whole weekend every week but would have her overnight so atleast every other week she’d not turn up and then would turn her phone off/block numbers. Would constantly tell mom to say no but that would cause arguments so she would and then the same would happen again:

Your sister has very high expectations of all of her sisters and used to have the same of your Mum. You don't mention your sister ever contributing anything to anybody else's life, though, unless claiming that her life is unfair counts. I wouldn't feel bad about saying no. Everything else aside, a week is a long stint of childcare.

I hope your sister has told the school all about her needs. It's unfair if she turns up with her and the school are unaware and unable to keep her safe.

i wouldn’t take your dn, no, absolutely not. It sounds as though a call to social services would be really helpful for your sister, to help her with signposting. Or to contact her GP. That is something to consider.

Absolutely not unreasonable. It sounds like she's very immature, did she have her daughter young? She needs to be left to her own devices tbh, no parent of a 4 year old gets to have a week off on holiday.

Absolutely not. Your sister needs to be giving her child stability, not disappearing on the piss.

If she is that high need, I would be encouraging your sister her to apply for an EHCP before starting school. It’s based on need, not diagnosis, so I absolutely wouldn’t be waiting for a diagnosis or for her to start a mainstream school without appropriate support.

I agree with this advice

My son has additional needs so I know how exhausting it can be. But I also know that advocating for your child becomes a 2nd job and your sister sounds like she is failing your niece by not pushing for support.

When my son started school he was also still in nappies, speech delayed and needed significant additional support. By this point in the year we had already started discussions with his school and organised an enhanced transition plan and also developed and intimate care and toileting plan. It's really not fair to just drop that on the school without preparation. Surely your niece will need prepared for school too.

I'm very surprised that nursery have not suggested an EHCP. If I was your sister I would be instigating this now as it takes months to get it in place.

I do feel for her but she really needs to grow up and make her daughter her number one priority. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but it's the reality of being a SEN parent.

I'm really sorry for the loss of your Mum, it sounds as if you were really close.

I wouldn't do this, no. I adore my niece and nephew and have had them overnight many times.

However, in your situation I would not ever have them overnight. You have to put your own children and mental health first and a child who is noisily staying up until 5am is not someone I'd choose to be in a house overnight with my children (or me!). If I was child free, yes I would do this for respite purposes, but I'm not and neither are you.

Having your niece so she can go and party with her child free friends doesn't seem right, given how upset your niece is without her Mum.

I don't know how hard your sister has fought for a diagnosis and I won't judge but it certainly seems as though she could push harder.

It does sound like your sister is struggling with a young child with high needs and challenging behaviour . She had a lot of support from your mum who offered a lot that your sister often overstepped . As someone said this is your sisters lot in life and whether her child has extra needs or not , going on holiday with friends is not a given right when you have children . A night out yes but not a week away . And I agree with others who say your niece sounds like she needs routine and consistency and that comes from a constant parent . Your sister sounds like she has developed strategies that may not be great for your niece . Her behaviour sounds like she may be on the Asd spectrum . Your sister could attend training or read about autism and behaviour while waiting for diagnosis . Don't feel guilty , your mum chose to give the care she did because she wanted to help and more importantly had the time to do it .
Diagnosis are taking a long time , but at least she is near school age and that should give your sister a break she undoubtedly needs .

I would do it. I have done it for a friend although not with so many needs but it's a week out of your life. She has this most of the time. Fucking hard. Give her a break and have one uncomfortable week.

@Itsallovernow23
Seriously , every sister has young children , babies or expecting . What are they supposed to do with their own children or is niece expected to stay over in a house thats not familiar to her .
This is the most selfish attitude I've ever heard

Plus it's all very well saying you haven't had a jolidY or you had to deL with SN and managed it. But that doesn't make it right, nice or easy.
Families are there to support each other. Sister can't seem to support herself let alone her child. One day she migjt be able to and thrn repay in some way but its not a tit for tat. In this case the other sisters have partners or family support. One week will not kill ops family but it migjt really help the sister. Ffs try being single with domestic violence and a child. Let alone one with special needs. WhT happened to being kind?