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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister and babysitting

117 replies

Notanothermoan · 07/06/2023 10:25

Hi, this may be a long one so apologies in advance. I have 3 younger sisters, we all have children. One of my sisters has a little girl (4) who we believe has severe sensory issues and is going through the rigmarole of getting a diagnosis, my sister is a lone parent, DN’s dad isn’t in the picture, our mom was a huge help before she passed away at the beginning of this year so now her only support is from us, her sisters and occasionally our dad. DN is extremely hard work - I say this in the nicest way I can. She is none verbal, can be aggressive when upset/frustrated, she doesn’t sleep, she is usually awake till 5am, she will scream the most high pitched scream when her moms leaves and this will carry on for hours, she doesn’t sit to eat any food and will only eat walking around meaning lots of food is usually trod into carpet/furniture, she is petrified of animals (dad has a dog so she hates staying with him), she won’t sleep alone so has to sleep in the bed with the adult in charge (won’t sleep with children either) and of course as she doesn’t go to sleep until 5am you are also awake with her, usually the time spent before her going to sleep she is either running back and forth around a room, making loud noises or crying/screaming loudly so the whole house is usually awake. I’m just painting a picture of her here so that you can understand why it’s a challenge to look after her, not to speak bad of her, we all think the world of her and are a very close family. My sister tends to ask for childcare a lot, she’s a little bit of a party animal, when mom was here it was every weekend, DN and mom were very close and mom knew exactly how to handle her, probably better than my sister does. Usually she will ask our sister who lives round the corner from her, however she has an 18mo and is currently due with baby no2 and has started to say no to childcare, she has never had DN overnight because she can’t cope but has now said no to daytime care too, which is understandable. My other sister has 3 children and works full time but is often happy to have her unless busy or at work, I live an hour away from my family so I am usually last resort. I’m on maternity leave until December, I have DD7 and DS who is 8 weeks, my sister has asked us if one of us could have her daughter for a week while she goes away on a girls holiday. As I’m not at work, have the older child and baby instead of baby and toddler I’m probably going to be the one who is expected to have DN. My sister can become really upset when she can’t get childcare, she will straight away pull the ‘nobody wants to watch my child because you don’t like her’ card, which is obviously not true, she will say she needs a break she is alone which I totally get. The 3 of us all have partners and support from in-laws with childcare and I totally get where she’s coming from, but what do you do in this situation? I want her to have a life and understand that she has it tough but that week would be extremely hard work.

AIBU - it’s literally a week just have the child
AINBU - it’s too much, say no

OP posts:
JenniferBarkley · 07/06/2023 10:37

I wouldn't want to mind anyone's child for a week tbh, I have enough on my plate with my own. Unless you regularly mind your other sisters' DCs for that long, I think you're fine to refuse on those grounds.

I do feel for your sister, that's a huge amount to be dealing with on her own. But a week is too big an ask.

Daleksatemyshed · 07/06/2023 10:40

Your DN needs stability not to be passed around the family while your Sister goes out partying. I know it's hard for her being a single parent but a week is too much to ask, how will you look after your own DC on no sleep? Ignore the "no one likes my child" as well Op, that's emotional blackmail to try and guilt trip you.

standardduck · 07/06/2023 10:45

YANBU at all.

I do feel sorry for your DN though. I don't think all this shuffling around is doing her any good.

It must have been also difficult for her to loose her grandma.

It sounds like your DSis should put her DC first and skip the girls holidays.

Belmondo · 07/06/2023 10:45

Bloody hell, that's a no from me. I feel for your lone-parent sister but whilst you might reasonably be asked to have your niece whilst your sister goes on, say, a two-night break, a week would just be a hard line for me.

What kind of sensory issues do you think your niece has? It may be that your sister can access some respite care once she's at school - is she scheduled to start this September? Will she be in mainstream?

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 07/06/2023 10:46

In the nicest possibly way, you don't get to be a party animal and have week long holidays with the girls when you are a parent, especially a single parent with sole responsibility. Can social services help with respite, it must be very tough.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 07/06/2023 10:50

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 07/06/2023 10:46

In the nicest possibly way, you don't get to be a party animal and have week long holidays with the girls when you are a parent, especially a single parent with sole responsibility. Can social services help with respite, it must be very tough.

This.

newyearsresolurion · 07/06/2023 10:50

She should take her daughter on the holiday or not go. She's taking the piss.

Original poster
Notanothermoan · 07/06/2023 10:52

Belmondo · 07/06/2023 10:45

Bloody hell, that's a no from me. I feel for your lone-parent sister but whilst you might reasonably be asked to have your niece whilst your sister goes on, say, a two-night break, a week would just be a hard line for me.

What kind of sensory issues do you think your niece has? It may be that your sister can access some respite care once she's at school - is she scheduled to start this September? Will she be in mainstream?

She becomes very overwhelmed around people, noise, lighting etc. She’s none verbal and communicates only through screams/noises, doesn’t respond to her name, stims (I think that’s the phrase), she is still in nappies full time, she doesn’t like to walk, she can but when out and about will refuse and wants to be carried or in a push chair. She is due to start mainstream school in September, I’m hoping when she starts she will then be moved to a SEN school. I have mentioned respite care to her but doesn’t seem to be a lot of overnight stays for children in the area, more for adults.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 07/06/2023 10:54

I was widowed, two of children has S/A Needs they had different issues, one slept, but had horrific meltdowns over everything, my eldest who didn't sleep was hyper all day and triggered my youngest. No-one babysat until the youngest was around seven and the eldest was elsewhere. It's too much of a ask. It's really sad that she's lost your Mum, but she can't expect you to pick up the pieces.

Brefugee · 07/06/2023 10:56

I'm sorry for the loss of your mum it must be very hard for all of you.

For the week away: is there any way you 3 sisters and dad can cover the week together as a team, tag-teaming so it's not so stressful for anyone?

It is hard to be alone with a child, let alone a challenging one, but that is your sister's lot in life. And each of you are completely within your "rights" to say no. But if you could all pitch in it would make a massive difference to your sister, probably.

Asparename · 07/06/2023 10:57

Such a difficult situation all round, your sister really needs more support. I know you said the father isn’t in the picture but it seems really unfair that he just walks away and your sister is left to cope on her own, albeit with some support from her family.

cadburyegg · 07/06/2023 11:02

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 07/06/2023 10:46

In the nicest possibly way, you don't get to be a party animal and have week long holidays with the girls when you are a parent, especially a single parent with sole responsibility. Can social services help with respite, it must be very tough.

This.

I'm a single parent of 2 NT kids and wouldn't ever expect someone other than their father to look after them for that length of time just so I could go on holiday.

Your sister is BU to expect it and to pull the "no one wants to look after dc" card. Her child is her responsibility

Original poster
Notanothermoan · 07/06/2023 11:03

Asparename · 07/06/2023 10:57

Such a difficult situation all round, your sister really needs more support. I know you said the father isn’t in the picture but it seems really unfair that he just walks away and your sister is left to cope on her own, albeit with some support from her family.

He is court ordered to not come anywhere near my sister or niece, she had a very traumatic start, he nearly killed my sister with her in the room and regularly hit her while she was holding DN. I’m convinced this is the reason DN is the way she is, she was a very alert, happy baby and started off as any other baby but by around 9 months she really changed.

OP posts:
Nordicrain · 07/06/2023 11:05

WEll i can understand your sister is desperate for a breakj.

But there is no way i would consider having a 4 year old that doesn't sleep till 5am to stay with an 8 week old baby.

sunflowerdaisyrose · 07/06/2023 11:08

I think I'd offer a weekend in a few months when your baby is a bit older and take care of at her house while your partner has your children at yours. It sounds incredibly hard for her but I also think a week is a long time.

Lacucuracha · 07/06/2023 11:08

YANBU. Your sister is looking for someone to fill in her mother's shoes as childcare, don't let it happen.

changeyerheadworzel · 07/06/2023 11:09

Not a chance, too big an ask. Sorry.

Octonaut4Life · 07/06/2023 11:10

Neither of you is being unreasonable. Can you suggest a compromise where you have her for a weekend or something instead so she can still have a mini break?

Timeforchangeithink · 07/06/2023 11:11

Gosh that's all so sad! No to a full week but an overnight yes, at, as someone else suggested, at her own house- even if you could all take a turn once a month can you imagine the relief that would bring your sister?

Hairfriar · 07/06/2023 11:14

A weeks childcare is a big ask of anyone, even without the specific needs you’ve outlined. I’d suck it up for a night for my sister, but a week, and with a newborn?? Not a chance. It would break me.

HermioneWeasley · 07/06/2023 11:14

If she doesn’t sleep until
5am, does she then sleep all morning? How would that work when you’ve got 2 kids - just never sleep? How does your sister manage? How will she go to school?

Original poster
Notanothermoan · 07/06/2023 11:16

It is very difficult for her so we all do help as much as we can, just to clarify my sister does get time off, she will have atleast 1 or 2 nights out a month, so DN will stay with one of us overnight. She doesn’t help herself though she says she will pick DN up at one time and ends up collecting her 3/4 hours later, with mom she would often drop her off say Friday night for one night and not return till Monday morning. My sister with the 3 children missed her sons football game just a couple of weeks ago that she promised him she’d attend and doesn’t usually get to because of her job, all because she hadn’t turned up at the time she said she would.

OP posts:
DazeOff · 07/06/2023 11:16

It'll be a no from me. My siblings DC has ADHD and I couldn't cope with them for a day let alone a week. It's really hard on your sister but you've said she parties most weekends so it's not like she doesn't ever get a break. When do any of your other sisters get a girls week away?

Brefugee · 07/06/2023 11:18

Notanothermoan · 07/06/2023 11:16

It is very difficult for her so we all do help as much as we can, just to clarify my sister does get time off, she will have atleast 1 or 2 nights out a month, so DN will stay with one of us overnight. She doesn’t help herself though she says she will pick DN up at one time and ends up collecting her 3/4 hours later, with mom she would often drop her off say Friday night for one night and not return till Monday morning. My sister with the 3 children missed her sons football game just a couple of weeks ago that she promised him she’d attend and doesn’t usually get to because of her job, all because she hadn’t turned up at the time she said she would.

I've changed my mind. You have to gently but firmly tell her to grow up. and what pp said about when you're a single mother you don't get to be a party animal.

Later, when her DD has been getting support/therapy etc, then maybe step in for a few hours of respite. But until then? Your sister has the shitty end of the stick for sure, but that is her lot in life and she needs to come to terms with it.

Original poster
Notanothermoan · 07/06/2023 11:18

DazeOff · 07/06/2023 11:16

It'll be a no from me. My siblings DC has ADHD and I couldn't cope with them for a day let alone a week. It's really hard on your sister but you've said she parties most weekends so it's not like she doesn't ever get a break. When do any of your other sisters get a girls week away?

Ironically since having children none of us have ever had a holiday/break without the children.

OP posts: