Sister and babysitting

[Notanothermoan]

Hi, this may be a long one so apologies in advance. I have 3 younger sisters, we all have children. One of my sisters has a little girl (4) who we believe has severe sensory issues and is going through the rigmarole of getting a diagnosis, my sister is a lone parent, DN’s dad isn’t in the picture, our mom was a huge help before she passed away at the beginning of this year so now her only support is from us, her sisters and occasionally our dad. DN is extremely hard work - I say this in the nicest way I can. She is none verbal, can be aggressive when upset/frustrated, she doesn’t sleep, she is usually awake till 5am, she will scream the most high pitched scream when her moms leaves and this will carry on for hours, she doesn’t sit to eat any food and will only eat walking around meaning lots of food is usually trod into carpet/furniture, she is petrified of animals (dad has a dog so she hates staying with him), she won’t sleep alone so has to sleep in the bed with the adult in charge (won’t sleep with children either) and of course as she doesn’t go to sleep until 5am you are also awake with her, usually the time spent before her going to sleep she is either running back and forth around a room, making loud noises or crying/screaming loudly so the whole house is usually awake. I’m just painting a picture of her here so that you can understand why it’s a challenge to look after her, not to speak bad of her, we all think the world of her and are a very close family. My sister tends to ask for childcare a lot, she’s a little bit of a party animal, when mom was here it was every weekend, DN and mom were very close and mom knew exactly how to handle her, probably better than my sister does. Usually she will ask our sister who lives round the corner from her, however she has an 18mo and is currently due with baby no2 and has started to say no to childcare, she has never had DN overnight because she can’t cope but has now said no to daytime care too, which is understandable. My other sister has 3 children and works full time but is often happy to have her unless busy or at work, I live an hour away from my family so I am usually last resort. I’m on maternity leave until December, I have DD7 and DS who is 8 weeks, my sister has asked us if one of us could have her daughter for a week while she goes away on a girls holiday. As I’m not at work, have the older child and baby instead of baby and toddler I’m probably going to be the one who is expected to have DN. My sister can become really upset when she can’t get childcare, she will straight away pull the ‘nobody wants to watch my child because you don’t like her’ card, which is obviously not true, she will say she needs a break she is alone which I totally get. The 3 of us all have partners and support from in-laws with childcare and I totally get where she’s coming from, but what do you do in this situation? I want her to have a life and understand that she has it tough but that week would be extremely hard work.

AIBU - it’s literally a week just have the child
AINBU - it’s too much, say no

I’m a single mum to an autistic child who needs me, cries if I leave her with anyone else. No way would I leave her for longer than an evening out. She’s not putting her daughters needs first

If you all keep enabling your DSis’s partying, she will never grow up. Her child needs to come first for her, just as your small children also need to come first for you.

What does your sister say when you point this out?

Personally I would never have another child overnight to facilitate a holiday/night out.

I have looked after friends DC overnight when they had to go to a funeral abroad, or for an afternoon when they (other friends) had a medical appointment, this type of things.

Sounds as though DN has had a difficult start in life and seems to have lost one of her main attachment figures when your mother passed. Your DS really needs to step up and put DN first, making sure she has structure, routine and security. It’s hard going, but partying is not a priority, DN is.

You all need to come to a consensus that it’s not appropriate for her to ask any of you for this much childcare. She is being an entitled CF. You will all have to say no to her and remind her that none of you have been on holidays either.

Most women I know don't go away for a week on holiday when they have pre-teens. Not knocking those that do, just it's not standard. I can understand that your mum was happy to look after your niece, which would have given her the stability of two care givers. Now she is being farmed out to different people and her constant person has vanished. No one wants to be sleeping different places each night. Your sister needs a big reality check on what is best for her daughter. It really doesn't sound like mainstream school is in her best interests either. If she can't cope then she won't receive education and will disrupt it for everyone else too.

This alone would mean a no from me.
someone is helping you out - you are grateful, you don’t abuse it.
most parents of 4 year olds don’t have a weeklong holiday without them.
if she pulls the card of “no one likes my child” my answer would be… we like your child just fine, but are very busy with our own lives, and we don’t like how you try to abuse our offered help by being late, meaning our own children are missing out.

Based on this reply I'd say no.
Having the odd night where you look after your DN so DS can have sometime to herself to recharge is one thing but your DS seems to want to party all the time.
Plus you/your DS's having her behavior impacting on your own DC/family time isn't fair to them.

Sorry to bang the same drum OP, but do you know for sure that your sister has applied for and received a school place for your niece for this Sept? Not many mainstream schools will be able to cope with a non-verbal child who's still in nappies full-time. I'm just wondering the extent of your sister's denial of the issue...

Thank you all for your replies, and to those who have given advice on SN, respite and diagnosis. I will be honest I don’t think my sister is pushing as much as she says she is and I have mentioned this a few times to her, I think she could try harder and be a little more pushy with health professionals. She had a social worker when DN was a baby due to DV with DN’s dad, this petrified her as she was worried that they’d take the baby away so as soon as they signed her off she hasn’t wanted any social services involvement.

That’s a definite possibility but I think it is to get drunk and have a good time. When she is asked about this her reasons were that ‘all of her friends are going on holiday and she’s the only one that can’t and it’s not fair that she’ll never get to go on a girls holiday’ - she’s the only one with a child. DN gets really upset when her mom leaves and has the worst meltdowns and nothing can calm her, this lasts hours, when she is calm she seems ok but with how she is I wouldn't be able to recognise whether she was doing ok without her mom or not. She doesn’t really show emotion if that makes sense? I’ve never been able to know how she’s feeling whether she’s happy or sad (unless crying). Im not sure 100% on the diagnosis stage but I don’t believe there’s many appointments, I haven’t heard or her going to the GP in a long while, this is something she would share with us if she did go.

It's crazy that your sister has put her down for a mainstream school. That's taking a place from another child who may well have to travel further to school now. She knows full well her daughter wouldn't cope in that environment - it's not being fair to anyone.

Yes she has received a place at a mainstream school, that being said this was only done by applying through the council the same way everyone else does and I believe the school will be unaware of how DN is. I think soon she may be invited for a taster day or something and they most likely will not accept when they see her.

I wouldn't look after my well behaved neice for a full week, let alone your DN.

Your sister is expecting way too much of people. I get that she needs respite, and it must be really hard for her, but a full week is way too much. I'd probably offer two nights maximum (and definitely not whist I still have a baby who's not sleeping through the night).

A few people have mentioned about her application to mainstream school, is she able to apply to a SEN school without a diagnosis? I’m under the impression she thinks DN will attend mainstream school and then they will assess and move her.

It would be nice of you to take your niece for one night, but a week is overreaching.

Even if the child had no additional needs, providing a week of care for the sake of a holiday is a massive ask.

Your sister sounds a little immature. I mean, of course she can't take the same holidays as her child-free friends! That's not 'unfair' that's just having responsibilities.

If it was my sister I'd be offering support and providing respite if I could, but it would be two days tops so she could recharge her batteries. A whole week (especially when you have your own baby to care for) so she can drink and party like a childfree woman is not in anyone's best interest.

It's unfortunate she's not factored her own daughter's distress and separation anxiety into her plans either. What's this poor girl going to feel when her mother just doesn't return for her day after day?

It would be a hard no from me I’m afraid. No one is entitled to holidays; with it without the children

I am sorry OP but you DS needs to GTFU!

The very fact you state the DD gets so stressed when she leaves her with anyone, any mother worth her salt wouldn't dream of handing out the child at every opportunity and that what she appears to be doing.

She needs to provide a stable environment for the DD.

I know life as a single parent must be very challenging and with the child's additional needs, but your DS needs to cope onto herself, this bullshit, "I'll never get a single girls holiday" FFS! she's not like her friends now, she has a child to look after and be responsible for.

Its obvious from your example she really abused the help and support your DM provided before she passed away.

You are on Maternity leave, not a holiday, you have your hands full with two little ones. I'll bet she plays the card, because she's a single mother with a special needs child, there isn't a hope in hell she's ever offered to mind any of her sisters children, Oh but you have husbands to support you, poor little me!

I agree with PPs she a CF! Be warned if you give into her this time - she'll come back with requests for weekends/ single holidays again next year, because she needs a break!!
In this instance if she wants to get angry and use the poor me card, I'd just let her get on with it..

She needs a statement of educational needs done. She should have been referred to an educational psychologist before now. You don’t need a diagnosis, just it to be known that this child has extra support needs. She won’t be the 1st child sent to mainstream where it isn’t appropriate tbh. It’s also easy for people to talk about outside support, but it’s minimal.
That said you need to push for these things and follow them up. It’s hard enough when you fight for them, little will be handed to her. This child needs someone to advocate for her.
I had full sympathy with your sister in your 1st post. My son is autistic with sensory needs etc. He was non/pre verbal until about 5/6. He also barely slept for 6yrs screaming like you describe your niece. He’s settled a lot from he was able to express himself more. He’s 8 now and while still difficult not nearly as much so. Plus everything’s easier now we get sleep. I have a partner though he took no part in the night wakenings, at least he could take him in the evenings. We have no outside support though and my child has never spent a night away.
Your sister needs help and support but it sounds like she gets that and takes advantage a bit. I don’t blame her and while yous find it hard she has it 24/7. You go out of your mind a bit with it tbh. Pure exhaustion and not thinking straight. Everything becomes a struggle.
That said I couldn’t have coped with my own child and a new baby, so there’s no way I would expect someone else to. I think you should say no, and have no guilt for it, it’s too much.
I understand her reluctance with social workers, I feel the same tbh. But I’m assured disability social workers are different. She could get direct payments to pay someone, arrange respite etc. She can’t carry on as she is. Has she claimed dla? You don’t need a diagnosis for it either.

I would just explain you do not feel you are equip to deal with DN and her needs. For an hour, maybe, but not for a week. If she "pulls the card" just call her out and ask why she is trying to use manipulation to get her own way. You have said no as you do not feel you could cope. Why cant she accept that. See what she says. Also maybe suggest she look into getting respite care with a qualified child carer to look after DN for the week.

Op, have you considered the affect a child screaming for hours on end for a week would have on your children?

It doesn't seem realistic, particularly as you have a new baby.

It would be a no from me too.

If DN is sensitive, how would the baby crying etc effect her?
Would DN be distressed by baby crying and hence scream more, upsetting baby and older DC etc…. This cycle could lead to a traumatic week for your entire family.

I think you have to decline looking after DN.

I do hope the school she will attend are able to speed up getting some help and support in place for both of them!

Your sister does need breaks, but she doesn’t need random overnights and weeks away, those are wants. Your niece is going to act out even more when her schedule is disrupted so much. Maybe your family could set up a couple of regular blocks each week of childcare so your sister knows she will have a break and your niece will develop a predictable routine. I would probably not include overnights for now as it is too stressful for the babysitters and probably for the niece as well.

Your Sister has had a bad time, DV and a child with SN is a lot to cope with. Do you think she's in denial about her DC's needs? When she doesn't come to pick her up when she should goes does anyone say something ?

Your sister has actually had quite a lot of time off and regular support from family between your mum, your dad, and you (her siblings). I understand her need for support might be different than a mum of a neurotypical child, but even so, she's had regular overnight respite. That's something many, many mothers never have. Now she wants an entire week off, given by you, who already are caring for a newborn! So in addition to a tiny baby who breaks up your sleep into 1 hour sessions, you'll also be up all night till 5 am? It's far too much to ask of you.

As you point out, her unreliability is also a factor here. I would not look kindly on giving someone else free overnight babysitting, only for them to return late so I miss my own child's event. That is extremely selfish and callous of her.