To think DH’s idea of pooled family finances is too extreme

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DH hates the idea of separate finances, not only within the household but also with his parents. They live on another continent but their money is ours and ours theirs, there is no distinction on who pays for large purchases/flights to visit each other and any other expenses while travelling etc, meals out, holidays etc. I’ve gotten used to this over the years.

However we now have DC who, via my side of the family, have been exposed to the idea of having their own money. DH hates the idea of ‘my money’, even inter-generational. And strongly believes as an extended family everything should be shared and it’s all collectively ‘our’ money (richer or poorer..).
He wants DC (7 and 5) to be taught the same principles but I think this may be difficult.
By contrast my parents have separate finances, bank accounts, I grew up with my own pocket money etc.

DH doesn’t mind DC being given cash (though he’d prefer not at this age) but he doesn’t want them to think it’s theirs alone and they should be happy to share it with the family.

I think all this works well only when you (you+DH) are in a better position. Try telling your inlaws you need some money, see how quickly their things become “theirs” !

it truly works both ways. Yes we are better off now and we effectively support them as they don’t have much income, but when we first got together 15 years ago DH and I had nothing but debt in our own names and our salaries were much lower as new graduates. MIL was working and FIL had business income. We had a nice wedding fully funded by them, they would book flights for us and then without question who was paying. DS1 was born I was on mat leave and DH was made redundant. No one went without for that period even though DH and I barely had any income ourselves.

I come from a family of 2 difficult cultures but they are both equally important- especially when raising our children. There has to be compromise here from his perspective- he cannot have it all ‘his way’ or ‘his families way’ I’m afraid. Your view, your way of thinking and background is just as valid and important as his. You do need to have that conversation - you are an equal partner here and your children deserve to be bought up in a way that ensures they see and understand the culture norms of all those around them - not just their Dad’s perspective.

You are not being unreasonable here - he is. Good luck.

Personally I think everyone should share and pool resources, not just within families (what happens to people without families then?). It sounds nice to me, though perhaps a compromise is necessary to allow your children to fit in culturally in the UK and to have some choice when they're older. At this age it's a good way to counter the individualism in our society.

Well that would be a deal breaker for me.
Just NO!!!!!

That’s correct. Two different approaches

• my parents charged me rent from 16 until I moved out. This concept is alien to DH and PILs
• we don’t share finances with my parents.
• PILs paid about £60k to put DH though uni and sold their home so BIL could get a property. The deposit and stamp duty we needed to buy our own property also came from PIL
• my uni fees were paid for with part time work and student loan.
• PILs contribute to our household for up to 6 months every year. They cook, clean, look after DC.

however (and the point of my post). My parents will give money to our DC and tell them it belongs to them. ‘My money’ is an alien concept in our household and DH really doesn’t like the kids saying this!

It's fine if he wants to pool finances. But anyone that pools with him needs to want to with him. If you're not comfortable then that's okay.
And if he makes you feel bad or tries to persuade you and then pressure you that's unfair.

Similarly, if your family has one approach and his another. Noone is right. Who is he to say his view is better.
Teach the kids both. Let them decide for themselves.

I think this is quite similar to growing up in a family with two religions.
And one parent trying to argue it's fair that they have their way and their kids just one religion just their relgion. (or no religion at all).

Kids aren't old enough to make their own choices.

Because I think i probably have bias, if say no. Because I'd be anxious that someone would spend all the money. And as a person with kids, I'd want to save up for their future. I would be so upset if someone else was squandering away money I had earnt and i wasnt able to save for the future because of that.

..so in short yes I think you should all have your own money.

But maybe you all have a pot you all contribute to equally. Ie everyone puts 5% of their earnings after tax in?

Yes, we do also have the religion difference. PILs are very religious (Hindu), DH is quite religious (Hindu), and I am not (though raised as Christian). We are raising kids as Hindu in some respects (we don't serve/buy them beef, avoid halal if possible, celebrate diwali, participate in religious ceremonies at weddings etc)), but if they grow up and decide they'd prefer to be atheist, or another religion, and actually love steak, then that's their choice. DH and I have agreed this, though PIL wont be best pleased!

Unlike many posters, I am not horrified by your financial set-up with your PIL. My DH is from the same background and although we don't do things in quite the same way as you do, I'm sure a lot of people would be shocked at some of the expectations on us to send money back home etc. I can see pros and cons to each approach tbh.

My own parents are not quite as far along the other end of the spectrum as yours... they wouldn't have ever charged me rent, for example, and we don't fuss too much over who is going to pay for a meal out or tickets to stuff etc. They wouldn't usually split the bill etc. So it was easy enough for me to understand how dh's family worked.

DH and I actually have separate money within our own household, although he does have access to a joint account with "my" money if he needs it. It's easier for us to manage it this way because then I can spend what I want to spend of "my" money and he can give as much as he likes of "his" money to his family without either of us having to feel too guilty. I cover all household costs (am the higher earner anyway) and don't really ask him to contribute. I know that lots of people would think this is a dreadful arrangement from my POV, but he grew up in poverty, his family is much less comfortable than we are, he was clear from when we first met that he would always need to support them, and I actually respect him for caring as much as he does. He did contribute quite a lot towards our house deposit, though I paid off the mortgage, and he gave me some money when I needed to buy a new car etc. We don't keep a tally between us, and we don't keep a record of what we have spent on his family either, which has substantial over the years. Occasionally, I will chip in towards family costs as well if needed. It actually works for us so no complaints. His family don't really know the details of what we earn, so I imagine that they just assume that all family money is shared. Fundamentally, despite our "separate money" set up, I think DH and I pretty much adopt that attitude too. If anyone in the family really needed money...on my side or his...it would be a no brainer that we would give it to them. That said, I think his family would share whatever they had with us if needed, and actually, my parents would always help out if needed too.

DH absolutely does not expect our dd (who is still at school but earning pretty good money from her PT employment!) to share her money with the household. He might be a bit if she quibbled over a few quid...e.g. if she nipped out to buy milk and then demanded reimbursement, but actually, I don't think she ever would - she would be more likely to resist if we tried to give it to her. Her savings are very much her own and DH would always respect that. That said, I think dd has absorbed a lot of the "family" approach to money and I am almost certain that she will end up continuing to support the extended family in India out of choice when she is older.

It sounds to me that you have willingly made a lot of compromises over the years to go along with your DH's approach to family money, and it seems to be working for you well enough so I reckon that's all good. However, I think there should be at least some compromise on your DH's part with regard to the children... at the very least, if your parents give gifts of cash to the children, I think he should respect that. (After all, respect for elders is important in his culture.)

Don't stress about it. Your children will make their own decisions as they get older. My family did this and it was great and necessary at the time but I don't now because I don't need to save the way they did. It doesn't make sense for me given my lifestyle to do that. Culture shifts naturally and it will for your kids.

In other cultures trust is emphasised on heavily but in the UK people trust themselves over others. It's a hard concept to explain to someone unless you've lived it. Your children will grow up knowing who to trust and who not to trust. They will naturally adopt the culture here as they will learn that people are not bound by trust here. They won't randomly hand their money to someone so don't worry.

Within the nuclear family, I can't really see any way to make it work that doesn't involve complete pooling, although I appreciate many others do.

With regard to wider family, absolutely no way. I don't keep score, at various times my DSis for example has been short so I've paid for lunch or bought her something to wear. My parents probably pay more than their share when we go out. Nobody worries about it being exactly equal, but we certainly don't have free access to each other's money or see it as shared.

I'd ask parents to open a savings account for any money they want to give to the children and run it as the trustees until the children are adults and can make their own choice just buying a small gift maybe.
If I gave money as a gift and found it had gone into the family purse instead I'd be very upset why would I contribute to some distant relative?

Had your husband ever said to your family that's really kind but as we don't believe in anyone having their own money all money goes into the extended family pot so are you happy for this or would you rather ask the children if there is a gift they would like instead?

I suspect your partner’s and partner’s family’s definition of ‘shared finances’ is ‘what’s mine is mine, and what’s your’s is mine also’. If they are poorer than you, then doubly so.

So if the children's money is "family money" is he happy for the children to have access to the rest of the family money to spend as they please?

This is quite common in Indian families but extremely difficult to practice in the UK without the checks and balances that Indian society provides (ie the culture of shame and taking care of family). If your DC married someone outside the culture they’d be exposed to theft / scams. My cousin lost his entire life savings when he pooled money with his fiance just before their wedding - she took everything, including the amount earmarked for wedding expenses - and 5 years later he’s still trying to get it back.

It might work in a traditional society but I cant see how it's compatible with a modern culture!

this^
surely what it really means is that everything is ultimately the property of the elders, mostly the eldest male person?

What a weird set up to want your children to follow. We have something similar
We are south Asian and DH supports his parents with the mentally “my money their money- their money up to them “ he has a sibling who also thinks this but as kids have grown up I had to put my kids first and no their money is not going in the family pot. Dh is sometimes funny about kids not contributing to bigger expenses and each time I remind him yes they will for us if need arises but not for your parents and siblings- so you do you with your parents and they will do with their parents 😂.

I think when bro in law has family the dynamics will change and should.

Sorry, this makes no sense at all.
And what if your children meet partners who are out to bilk them/are controlling? Wouldn't you rather teach some how to retain financial autonomy, to a degree at least?