To think DH’s idea of pooled family finances is too extreme

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DH hates the idea of separate finances, not only within the household but also with his parents. They live on another continent but their money is ours and ours theirs, there is no distinction on who pays for large purchases/flights to visit each other and any other expenses while travelling etc, meals out, holidays etc. I’ve gotten used to this over the years.

However we now have DC who, via my side of the family, have been exposed to the idea of having their own money. DH hates the idea of ‘my money’, even inter-generational. And strongly believes as an extended family everything should be shared and it’s all collectively ‘our’ money (richer or poorer..).
He wants DC (7 and 5) to be taught the same principles but I think this may be difficult.
By contrast my parents have separate finances, bank accounts, I grew up with my own pocket money etc.

DH doesn’t mind DC being given cash (though he’d prefer not at this age) but he doesn’t want them to think it’s theirs alone and they should be happy to share it with the family.

This is to me a step too far. In his culture he does have a financial responsibility to his parents. I understand that as I'm asian too but he is taking it to the extreme. For instance I wouldn't consider savings or birthday money my kids receive as money to be shared. I keep my finances separate to my dh's. He has a financial responsibility towards his mum who is a widow. I do not.

If you're happy with the set up you have then that's fine. What I would say is that the kid's money isn't on the table for sharing and I'd be having a conversation about that.

It sounds paternalistic. It works if everyone falls in line with the patriarch. Why would in laws put up with that if they are not from that culture. Sure, everyone wants a share of largess, but debts, bad financial decisions or fecklessness?

You can see why pooling resources might not be such a great idea and legally storing up a mess. I would certainly want to ring fence my dcs' assets.

What about things like child benefit etc.(if claiming? Would that need to go into the pot?

I think for your children, any money they receive as gifts should be kept separate in their own accounts.
When they're older you show and explain how things have been working for you so far then leave it to them to decide which way they'd like to run their financials.
Do you have only sons or some of each?

If it works for you then that's your choice OP, however I do think there are likely to be problems with your children. Is your DH expecting any partner they may have to become involved in this set up? What will his reaction be if they refuse?

If your parents leave any money to your kids would they be expected to put this into the pot?

As others have said I can see how this might work if everyone is on the same page but what happens in the case of divorce or bad financial decisions by any one of you?

Will your kids be happy for any money they may earn in the future to be used for supporting their uncle and grandparents?

There do seem to be a lot of potential pitfalls where your kids are concerned and I would be a bit worried about how your husband would react to their refusing to accept the situation.

I think it would all depend on the family and whether they were trustworthy or not. Personally I’d never share money outside of my partner and our joint account - but at the same time I know if I was ever stuck my parents would have money to help me and I’d try to help them if it was ever needed.

But if you had family members who were piss takers then I wouldn’t be sharing anything.

I thought Op had put that they had spent all of their money.

I apologise if I misread.

This is such a ludicrous, open-to-exploitation situation, that will set your children up for failure. Honestly. It’s madness.

We only have sons. I think it would be easier if we had daughters (once they are older) as there isn't such a strong expectation that they will support / combine finances.

We don't claim child benefit but if we did it would go into the family 'pool'.

How could you ever buy a present for someone without everyone knowing that you spent £40 on DH, but only £15 on granny even though the present looks more expensive?

We don't generally give gifts between adults in the family. DC give and receive gifts between us all but they don't see the cost!

So you as a couple can't decide to have a holiday without your extended family or to replace a piece of furniture in your own home? Does it have to be broken or worn out? Who decides on pain colours etc? Sounds like basically you have pocket money to cover basic expenses that's all.....if this was a small family in the UK and one partner had this control over the money it would be classed as coercive control by controlling all finances. What happens if you want to leave basically you have no access to the money you put into the pot?

We can and do decide to have holidays alone and replace furniture! if in-laws are with us they will come shopping to help choose, if not we just send a message with a link to what we are thinking of buying buying (for their opinion too!), or just tell them. if there is a disagreement on what to buy / how much to spend then it can take a bit longer but the usually the person who feels most strongly will veto the purchase decision. BIL and SIL wouldn't make any large purchases for the family home in India without asking our opinion.
I do have access to money, e.g. my FT salary is paid into an account in my name and transferred as needed.

I think if it works for you atm then that is fine.

I think if your sons don't want to also do this then that should be accepted without question.

I think it would be easier if we had daughters (once they are older) as there isn't such a strong expectation that they will support / combine finances.

Who are they expected to support & why wouldn't it be expected of daughters?

Who are they expected to support & why wouldn't it be expected of daughters?

Because once married there is a whole other family to combine finances with.

Fil made bad investments in his business and has no money or pension mil has pension

So people who don't live in your home can feel strongly and veto the decision and everyone who doesn't love there get a say in what you have.

That sounds intrusive. Living in each others' pockets where everyone has a say in everything you do. Appreciate that is normal in some cultures but it would drive me insane as I like my space.

No way would I agree to this
Can you even have that many signatories on a bank account?
Marriage vows are said between husband and wife.
"All my worldly goods, I share with you" doesn't mean families

Are you saying that the men of the family and their wives have to share money, but the women of the family don't, because they are expected to be propped up by their husbands and their husbands' families? So you leave one pool and join another if you're female?

That sounds like what happens in traditional Indian and Chinese culture where women leave their family and join with their husbands, often living under the same roof as their inlaws.

It’s so dangerous to be financially dependent on anyone, in any culture.

Financial independence could legitimately save your life one day. Don’t be an idiot.

So MIL has access to a card for your/DH account, but do you have access to her account or her pension?
If not, then it is not really 'pooling' if it doesn't go both ways, it is just you and DH supporting his parents.
I would not be happy with this.

I pay a lot of things for my mum but we don't share our finances. There is a limit.

And I wouldn't charge my son rent either, because I don't have a mortgage. However, I would charge him a share of the bills if he worked FT and lived at home.

Yes, that is correct in DH’s culture

It doesn’t make sense to use her account outside of India due to currency charges. But yes when we visit India (4 weeks each year) we use her bank card.

Yes, this is also the reason why in some cultures baby boys are wanted much more than girls.
Girls also require an expensive dowry

That’s mental. I know my in-laws would jump at this as they would have already implied that we should ‘share’ our wealth even tho whilst some of it is due to a successful business, more of it is inherited on my side but I am glad to say neither of us give it any credence at all

Yes true the amount of ‘dowry’ that brides family give is significant. Friends of DH who have married usually the bride’s family give very expensive gold jewellery for their daughter to wear, possibly a new car and cash. And also jewellery/cash to the grooms immediate family. E.g. DH and I were given expensive rings / earrings / bracelet and a lot of cash from SILs family when DH’s brother married in the traditional way a few years ago. MIL also given jewellery and SIL several pieces of expensive jewellery. We gave a relatively small value gift back….it was embarrassing and not pre-discussed, but given as part of a religious ceremony in as way we weren’t able to refuse the gifts. But it was basically disguised dowry. They also spent a crazy amount of money on the parts of the wedding functions that they hosted. We didn’t spend anywhere near as much on the functions that we were responsible for hosting…still very nice but less extravagant/showy.