Ex-wife booking holiday and abandoning daughter for 2 weeks?

[Xuzes]

Hi

I am going through a divorce and currently sharing childcare with my ex, I have our daughter 4 nights a week.

When I’ve taken our daughter away anywhere I have always consulted with her Mum first before booking anything.

My ex has told me today that she has decided to take a 2 week holiday without our daughter, without consulting me and I would have to look after our daughter for 14 potentially more days whilst she is away and I work full time which I cannot manage.

I would like to know where I stand in this situation and could I stop my ex from going if it put my daughters childcare at risk. Any help is much appreciated. Thanks.

Have you actually read OPs posts?

It’s the mum (a woman) who thinks childcare is solely her ex’s responsibility which is why she thinks nothing of fucking off for 2 weeks.

@IncomingTraffic well he obviously doesn't think his ex is solely responsibility because he has has her the majority of the time.

Also they don't have to give you the days you have asked for

'Why is it acceptable for a parent to just decide not to see their child for 2 weeks?'

There are plenty of exes who decide not to see their kids for years. It's not great but nor is it rare.

The resident parent invariably picks up the slack, works it out and doesn't post outrage about how he can't possibly be expected to look after his own child because 'he works' !

I am going through a divorce and currently sharing childcare with my ex, I have our daughter 4 nights a week.

4 nights a week. Yes.

My ex has told me today that she has decided to take a 2 week holiday without our daughter, without consulting me and I would have to look after our daughter for 14 potentially more days whilst she is away and I work full time which I cannot manage.

But a 2 week holiday somehow means 14 more days to look after the child. There are only 14 days in a fortnight. So presumably the purported OP simply does not look after the child during the day at all. Because they work FT and cannot manage.

The ex going away means someone - the child’s father - will need to look after the child. Which must mean that on all 14 days the expectation would be the mother would be looking after the child.

otherwise it couldn’t be 14 additional days. It would presumably be 6 additional days/nights.

Unless the OP was going for hyperbole there like she was with abandonment.

I would like to know where I stand in this situation and could I stop my ex from going if it put my daughters childcare at risk. Any help is much appreciated. Thanks.

so the problem is that the ‘OP’s’ childcare is at risk. And needs to stop ‘his’ ex from going on holiday - at some unspecified time, not necessarily without notice - because the childcare is at risk. That can only mean ‘the ex isn’t there to do it’.

Thank you for all your helpful comments. I was posting for my brother who’s in this situation and doesn’t know where to turn. It’s been insightful to get other peoples perspectives outside of our family.

But look: the OP has decided to write from her brother’s perspective. So she’s only actually got his half of the story anyway.

his daughter is 5 and he does work away on the nights when he doesn’t have her. I live 250miles from him so unable to help with his childcare.

And the OP works away, which is not exactly the scenario set out in the OP is it?

The majority of the nights.

Not sure that is the majority of the time. Otherwise you’d think he would have childcare in place for 4/7 of the time and only need to sort something for the other 3 if his ex is away.

This.

Who looks after the child when the father goes on holiday ?

Just saw the update, I would still say the same - ex sorts out and pays, by herself, for childcare around your brother's work. If she is unable to do this, she cancels or rearranges her holiday.
Nothing wrong with going on holiday without her child, dropping her share of responsibility and demanding he picks up the slack is the unacceptable part.

He'll either have to take leave or ask family to help 🤷‍♀️

I think it would then be sensible to get a legal contact order in place so this doesn't happen again.

She is absolutely out of order. Ask her what provision she has put in place for her daughters care while you are at work.

And make it clear that she consults you before she even considers booking a trip.

Is she always such a bad mother or is she just using her daughter as a pawn in a game?

I suspect he takes his daughter with him. That’s what normal parents do.

Yep.

Why do people keep saying comments would be different if this was a woman writing about a man? When there’s literally a thread from like 1/2 weeks ago where it’s exactly that scenario. And comments definitely were mostly in support of dad going on holiday without a heads up, and forcing the mum to use her AL to cover it.

MN may say they are the worst person in the world but lots of men do this and there is nothing the mother can do. My ex told me he was going away for 3 weeks and I was expected to just suck it up - no thought of additional childcare costs or work for me, just up and went. I got on with it because I'm a parent.

I might think he's a dick for doing it but there isn't a lot you can do if they bugger off without arranging childcare. it isn't something I could ever do as a responsible parent but people do.

I would have to look after our daughter for 14 potentially more days
I think there is a comma missing here or the sentence doesn’t make sense. 14, potentially more rather than 14 more days otherwise the word potentially is redundant.

so the problem is that the ‘OP’s’ childcare is at risk. And needs to stop ‘his’ ex from going on holiday - at some unspecified time, not necessarily without notice - because the childcare is at risk. That can only mean ‘the ex isn’t there to do it’.
well yes, the mum has booked a holiday which the father is unable to cover childcare for during the times he wasn’t expecting to need to be there and is probably now worried about how he’s going to manage parenting and working away at the same time. I don’t see what’s hard to understand with that.

With regards to your last comment, working away / working out of the home - regardless, it was clear from post one that the issue was that he’s not easily about to look after the child and that mum booked holiday without checking.

None of us know anything about their relationship, maybe he’s a twat who would have made life hard for mum anyway but from the information laid out in this thread, the issue is mums lack of communication.

And pretty much saying tell ex if they want to swan off on holiday its up to them to arrange/pay for childcare while they're away as the DC would usually be with them during that time.

If you don't want to and are unable to have your daughter for a fortnight it's down to your ex to make arrangements for the days she would normally be responsible for her.

It's always better if things can ge agreed amicably together between the 2 of you, so consider if for example you might want her to return the favour if you fancy a child free holiday etc yourself sometime. However it sounds like you haven't agreed to this, in which case she needs to make arrangements. Just bare in mind though, that it's not for you to say you're not happy with what she has arranged. She'll also need to ensure it's reasonably simple for you to collect your child on your days and you're not expected to drive miles out of your way.
Do you have a formal/legal arrangement in place?

Rubbish. Plenty of women posting on Mumsnet get their arses handed to them on a plate over the wording in their Op. I see it all the time. Especially in AIBU.

The Op is being treated exactly the same as anyone else.

So what?

You are their parent so you should be looking after your child as that’s your responsibility and your ex can go on holiday whenever he wants and you have to suck it up.

Cry me a river, women up, single parents have to do this all of time, perhaps you should have thought about that before having kids etc etc.

No one would say the above of you had posted about your ex because he is BU and you’d have everyone’s full sympathies/support but apparently when a woman does the same thing it’s fine and it’s the men who’s told to get over it.

A child arrangement order wouldn't make any difference, you can't force a non resident parent to have the child, nor can you make them pay for childcare. The ops brother will have to do what a lot of women do and suck up being messed around by an ex, its shit but its life.

I don't think the ex is reasonable at all and I've not seen many posts saying they are but the fact is that there isn't a lot someone can do if their ex did this and it's not abandonment because he's the DC dad - women deal with this all the time, it's not right at all but it is sadly too common.

To people commenting that he was given little to no notice: Where on earth does it say anything about not being given sufficient notice?

The complaint is about not being consulted first before she made a decision about taking a holiday.

There is not enough information in this post or the update to actually advise the Op.

Also, I agree with pp about the accusation that the mother of his child is abandoning their daughter is wrong. It is an abusive accusation.

And no it wouldn’t be ok for a woman to accuse her ex of abandoning his child just because he booked a 2 week holiday without consultation either.

It completely trivialises actual cases of true abandonment. It is not ok to use it as an insult for your ex.

Leaving your child with their other parent for two weeks is not abandonment. It is absolutely disgusting to make that accusation especially when there are children in this world who are actually abandoned by one or both parents.

Rubbish. Plenty of women posting on Mumsnet get their arses handed to them on a plate over the wording in their Op. I see it all the time. Especially in AIBU.

The Op is being treated exactly the same as anyone else.

She's a CF. Putting the of childcare purely on you is OOO.

You could say NO.

You could say you're nit happy, but if you don't have a choice, you will have her for your normal days free of charge, but she will need to cover the cost of all childcare during the time she would normally have her.

Or assuming its outside of school term, you could take time off, go on holiday with your daughter and enjoy.

Good luck.