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Original poster

Ex-wife booking holiday and abandoning daughter for 2 weeks?

401 replies

Xuzes · 06/06/2023 19:19

Hi

I am going through a divorce and currently sharing childcare with my ex, I have our daughter 4 nights a week.

When I’ve taken our daughter away anywhere I have always consulted with her Mum first before booking anything.

My ex has told me today that she has decided to take a 2 week holiday without our daughter, without consulting me and I would have to look after our daughter for 14 potentially more days whilst she is away and I work full time which I cannot manage.

I would like to know where I stand in this situation and could I stop my ex from going if it put my daughters childcare at risk. Any help is much appreciated. Thanks.

OP posts:
Wheresthebeach · 06/06/2023 23:09

That’s awful. It should have been discussed and most people take their kids on holiday with them. She shouldn’t just be making these decisions and leaving you to deal with everything.

shocking responses To the OP. Parents need to work together for what’s best for the children, this isn’t it. It doesn’t matter that there are crap fathers out there doing similar. It’s wrong when any parent behaves this way.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 06/06/2023 23:13

She isn’t abandoning her child, of course. She’s leaving her with you, the other parent.

It is however a shitty thing to do - to you - to just announce this as a fair accompli with no explanation. It happens all the time to (mainly) resident parents up and down the country, unfortunately. The other parent decides they can just bugger off and the RP will have to manage.

Theunamedcat · 06/06/2023 23:16

maddiemookins16mum · 06/06/2023 21:41

Yep.

Show quote history

Actually the last thread like this the OP was told off for being Unreasonable because he gave her notice....not that he asked he just told her but that was OK because she had a couple of months to sort it

TunnocksOrDeath · 06/06/2023 23:23

This is horrible behaviour by the ex, and a really bad example to be setting a child about how adults get what they want. If you expect you partner or ex-partner to do childcare on days that they don't usually do, particularly if they're frequently away overnight for work, you should check with them that they can do those dates, and arrange mutually convenient ones if they can't, or rope in some family to assist. I would never book a trip without checking DH's schedule, and he works from home!

Bubblesoffun · 06/06/2023 23:24

Chatillon · 06/06/2023 20:34

My ex has told me today that she has decided to take a 2 week holiday without our daughter, without consulting me and I would have to look after our daughter for 14 potentially more days whilst she is away

Awesome! 14 whole days with your daughter. Ring work, tell them the situation. Negotiate some unplanned leave. Take reduced pay, draw off savings. Make up some time when you are back.

But just enjoy this surprise time with your lovely daughter and create some memories that will last for life.

It must be wonderful to have a job you can just call in on the day and say see you in two weeks 🙄. You must tell me tell me which jobs these are, they sound amazing. Back in the real world you know this is not how life works.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 06/06/2023 23:27

Tell him to go to CMS for more child support from her to pay for childcare. She should be paying him child maintenance anyway if he has 4/7

ImustLearn2Cook · 06/06/2023 23:29

Theunamedcat · 06/06/2023 23:16

Actually the last thread like this the OP was told off for being Unreasonable because he gave her notice....not that he asked he just told her but that was OK because she had a couple of months to sort it

Show quote history

I think I remember that thread.

I am getting a bit sick of the petulant poor me I am a man and if I was a woman you would all agree with me bullshit.

Fredshred · 06/06/2023 23:32

Xuzes · 06/06/2023 20:27

Thank you for all your helpful comments. I was posting for my brother who’s in this situation and doesn’t know where to turn. It’s been insightful to get other peoples perspectives outside of our family.

his daughter is 5 and he does work away on the nights when he doesn’t have her. I live 250miles from him so unable to help with his childcare.

Regardless of rights or wrongs, your brother and his ex should start properly communicating now, because if they do a 50/50 split and the daughter is only 5, then I imagine there are going to be lots of times ahead for both of them that they may both want more than 4 days holiday solo in one go. Try and get in place a quid pro quo or a decent back up for both of them or it is going to be a very miserable and combative future for both of them, but mostly for the daughter.

Wanttobefree2 · 06/06/2023 23:44

Madwife123 · 06/06/2023 19:26

The fact you are using the word “abandoned” when she’s actually leaving the child with their other parent tells me all I need to know about your previous relationship and the control you like to exert. Would you have asked permission before going on holiday or is it just her who needs to?

That’s not fair, if they have the kid for 4 days a week already sounds like they are pulling their weight…

Sothisisitthen · 06/06/2023 23:57

That’s a shitty move from your ex. But realistically you don’t want your kid impacted. I’d force the issue by saying “what are your plans for childcare on your days? I assume you have some given you haven’t asked me?”

At least then you might get some acknowledgement that she is being an arse.

JJ8765 · 07/06/2023 00:04

Can he arrange a swap so the mum does 2 weeks straight in return and he can agree with work to make up the hours over the month? Obviously the way she’s handled it isn’t ok but it’s also better if there is some flexibility so both get to go away on holidays sometimes. But there isn’t anything you can do if the other parent refuses to have the child on their days or make childcare arrangements. He could do the same back to her but it’s better if they can sort something out and have rules about notice or swaps.

Wishitsnows · 07/06/2023 00:07

This is quite an unusual situation as normally it’s the woman who does 90% of the parenting and then when they say the ex DH must do a particular weekend they are told they can’t force the man to parent or have additional time.

Coolblur · 07/06/2023 00:15

Putting aside his exes shirt behaviour toward him, I think if I were him I would try to take annual leave or parental leave for those two weeks and perhaps take the child on holiday. That takes the stress out of the situation and father and daughter get to spend some quality time together. I bet the ex probably wouldn't like it much either, I'm guessing making his life hard was part of her plan for whatever reason, but she has no say in what happens in his time with their child. Basically he should just make the best of it and appear unaffected.

If there are no formal childre arrangements in place then he should apply to court to get it sorted before this happens again.

Nanaof1 · 07/06/2023 00:22

Curseofthenation · 06/06/2023 19:49

YANBU. Do you have childcare in place for your days? If so, I would see if they can cover additional days (assuming that she does not have her own childcare/isn't working). I would make it clear the additional cost needs to be covered by her ahead of time.

Other than that, I would relish having your DC for an extra few evenings and see the positive side. She was wrong to do it without consulting you.

Thant's the most sensible thing I've read on this thread.
Who watches the child when the OP has her. See if they can take her for a temporary time, with pay of course. Then tell ex that she is responsible for 1/2 of the increased costs.
It's wrong of the ex to not work out childcare and any other possible hurdles before they "decide" on a vacation. That said, the way the OP has written it makes them seem very controlling. Maybe they have said "no" to any holiday the ex has wanted, so she has resorted to not taking "no" for an answer.
Hard to know what is actually what, but it sounds like the child is the loser in this toxic "ex-relationship".

MovinGroovinBarbie · 07/06/2023 00:33

BibbleandSqwauk · 06/06/2023 19:22

Right well obviously she absolutely should have asked you first and you'd be well within rights to say no on that basis, BUT plenty of us single parents work full time and manage by using paid childcare or using annual leave to cover school holidays Please don't assume that having a Ft job absolves you of any inconvenient childcare. It's 50% your responsibility.

Taking paid leave to cover an ex's jolly isn't quite the same thing. What if OP actually wants to use his leave for his own holiday, possibly with his daughter?

MovinGroovinBarbie · 07/06/2023 00:35

Only one page in and as expected the replies are a stark contrast to what they'd likely be if it was the ex husband going away with the lads.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 07/06/2023 00:49

namechange1986 · 06/06/2023 19:27

I suspect if the person who had booked holiday was a man then replies would be different...

Quite

Nanaof1 · 07/06/2023 00:52

Lachimolala · 06/06/2023 21:47

Why do people keep saying comments would be different if this was a woman writing about a man? When there’s literally a thread from like 1/2 weeks ago where it’s exactly that scenario. And comments definitely were mostly in support of dad going on holiday without a heads up, and forcing the mum to use her AL to cover it.

Because it's Mumsnet; the place where logic, reason, common sense and kindness often hide away and not show their faces.

Plenty of men have done this exact same thing to their ex and the advice frequently is, "You're her mother. It's up to you to have childcare in place and back-up if needed. What if ex had to travel for work or got to be on the first spaceship to Mars? You'd have to have something in place then!".

They both sound a bit selfish and the EXH sounds a bit controlling, since he is hoping that he can prevent her from going on holiday because it puts "childcare at risk". Toxic people raising an innocent child. Lovely.

NorthernJim · 07/06/2023 00:53

Am I the only one who thinks it's a bit odd for a parent to go away on a 2 week holiday and not want to take their DC with them?

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 07/06/2023 01:08

Nanaof1 · 07/06/2023 00:52

Because it's Mumsnet; the place where logic, reason, common sense and kindness often hide away and not show their faces.

Plenty of men have done this exact same thing to their ex and the advice frequently is, "You're her mother. It's up to you to have childcare in place and back-up if needed. What if ex had to travel for work or got to be on the first spaceship to Mars? You'd have to have something in place then!".

They both sound a bit selfish and the EXH sounds a bit controlling, since he is hoping that he can prevent her from going on holiday because it puts "childcare at risk". Toxic people raising an innocent child. Lovely.

Show quote history

Er, no - typically it's the unhelpful 'why did you chose to have a child with this man?'. And pile on about how shit the feckless father is

Blueroses99 · 07/06/2023 01:14

Is the issue that OP’s brother works 3 nights a week (possibly as a medical professional as 3x12 hour night shifts a week is fairly normal in a hospital) when he doesn’t have his daughter and therefore childcare is not easy to arrange? So if there is no overnight childcare, he can’t work. And potentially letting down patients/colleagues as well. I can see why being forced to take unpaid leave or using up annual leave allowance would be annoying under the circumstances. A single parent with 100% residency probably wouldn’t have a job of that nature without robust childcare so it’s not really comparable.

I may be wildly off the mark of course, but I do sympathise with the lack of consultation.

TealSapphire · 07/06/2023 01:33

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 06/06/2023 23:13

She isn’t abandoning her child, of course. She’s leaving her with you, the other parent.

It is however a shitty thing to do - to you - to just announce this as a fair accompli with no explanation. It happens all the time to (mainly) resident parents up and down the country, unfortunately. The other parent decides they can just bugger off and the RP will have to manage.

100%. My ex often has work trips and holidays, and as the RP it's just assumed I will care for the kids in his absence. He even says that I should be supporting him with his job as it means he can pay me child support 😕So it's not fair OP but it happens.

Lachimolala · 07/06/2023 05:12

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 07/06/2023 01:08

Er, no - typically it's the unhelpful 'why did you chose to have a child with this man?'. And pile on about how shit the feckless father is

Show quote history

I mean the evidence to the contrary is right there.

Lachimolala · 07/06/2023 05:13

Nanaof1 · 07/06/2023 00:52

Because it's Mumsnet; the place where logic, reason, common sense and kindness often hide away and not show their faces.

Plenty of men have done this exact same thing to their ex and the advice frequently is, "You're her mother. It's up to you to have childcare in place and back-up if needed. What if ex had to travel for work or got to be on the first spaceship to Mars? You'd have to have something in place then!".

They both sound a bit selfish and the EXH sounds a bit controlling, since he is hoping that he can prevent her from going on holiday because it puts "childcare at risk". Toxic people raising an innocent child. Lovely.

Show quote history

Agreed. I feel very sorry for the poor child in all of this.

CountZacular · 07/06/2023 06:06

It really matters when we’re talking about here. Is she off in a few weeks or has she actually booked a holiday for next year?

There’s something off about the language - abandoning, wanting to stop ex going (rather than legitimate concerns for child).

And can we actually stop the ‘replies would be different if sexes reverse’ because it’s patently not true. Women get bashed on MN for breathing the wrong way on here - literally open any post about anything. It’s so tedious all the time.