Ex-wife booking holiday and abandoning daughter for 2 weeks?

[Xuzes]

Hi

I am going through a divorce and currently sharing childcare with my ex, I have our daughter 4 nights a week.

When I’ve taken our daughter away anywhere I have always consulted with her Mum first before booking anything.

My ex has told me today that she has decided to take a 2 week holiday without our daughter, without consulting me and I would have to look after our daughter for 14 potentially more days whilst she is away and I work full time which I cannot manage.

I would like to know where I stand in this situation and could I stop my ex from going if it put my daughters childcare at risk. Any help is much appreciated. Thanks.

Clearly mum should have checked before making plans. However, from.what you're saying the answer would likely have been a flat no which also seems unreasonable. Without knowing the ins and outs, clearly the mum should be able to do this. Your brother will simply need to take annual leave. As a parent, annual leave isn't something we use for just our own needs, it's also something used for covering things like this.

@MovinGroovinBarbie I'm not remotely suggesting the ex has done the right thing here, she hasnt. But most people have to use their annual leave for things they'd often rather not ..that's parenting for you. It's expensive and inconvenient and divorced parenting is almost always unfairly split at one point or another. The tone of the op is so incredulous that the mother might do this ..doing her own thing and expecting the ex to pick up the slack when it's so boringly commonplace for fathers to do it that it barely gets a mention on here and when it does women are told to be pleased to have more time and "oh well, can you get a grandparent to help". Everyone wanging on about MN double standards are right..but not in the way they mean. Again, NOT saying the ex in this case was right.

So basically your "brother" wants to be able to veto any holiday which requires him to care for his own child at inconvenient times? Not surprised the ex didn't waste time on the discussion. You haven't said how much notice the ex gave either.

Should these things be mutually discussed so that arrangements can be made - yes of course.

Should one parent be able to veto activities of the other or dictate that they only do parenting when its convenient to them - no of course not.

Whatever the rights and wrongs of this specific occasion, both parents should expect to have to juggle leave and childcare support to care for their child. Its not an option to opt out of child care at nights or on certain days of the week and assume the other parent will cover all those slots.

It’s pretty clear that the co- parenting relationship is not especially amicable. If I was your brother I’d reflect on my role in that and work on improving things. They have a lot of years of co-parenting ahead of them.

And yes I’d be annoyed at his ex but there is nothing he can do. The language he or you are using to describe what happened is also making me wonder what he has done to contribute to the situation. They are best to start fresh, acknowledge each others needs and place in their DDs life and try to get along.

Not smug at all. Just very grateful that after an abusive childhood I now have a happy life.

Yes you are the only one. My ex husband goes on 6 or 7 holidays a year and never takes his children with him. I know lots of men like him.

And I assume the OP on this thread also goes on holiday without his child.

@@@Marlowqueen

What a sad and situation when it comes down to his days and her days and arguing about who is responsible for what. Makes me grateful for my long and happy marriage and that my children have never been exposed to being shunted around like pieces of luggage

that's not grateful, that's SMUG & your post about pay for childcare like everyone else just shows you're completely missing the point.

life can change in a split second. Being. SMUG is deeply unpleasant. So far in your adult life you've been lucky, stop congratulating yourself on having done so well, it's as much luck as anything else

@SuperbSummer2023 it's not smug to be happy your children have a happy home if you've experienced a toxic childhood

In an ideal world this is the kind of thing you'd negotiate before you book the holiday. In reality he would always say no because its not convenient for him.

Too many men want 50:50 parental responsibility to avoid paying maintenance, and don't want the actual responsibility. Would he parent his daughter if his ex was taken ill, or would he have her taken into care?

can you not just have her? Please don’t use your child as some kind of bargaining chip in your divorce - don’t be that arsehole parent who is totally inflexible.
yes - she should have asked you if the dates work first, but what are your plans for when you have to split the school holidays? Summer, Easter, Xmas and half terms?

or are you planning on never going away again yourself?

But this isn't about 'fathers' in general. It's about one individual who has just assumed the other can take days off work or use their annual leave to cover hers.

Imagine if it were a bloke going off for a lads holiday to watch the footy and assuming ex wife will take days off work to cover.

If your brother is not capable of working amicably with the mother of his child, then he should not be running to his sister to slag her off. He should be dealing with it in a mature way with the mother and if he needs to take 2 weeks off work, then that is what he needs to do.

As his sister, posting that the mother is ‘abandoning’ her child for just going on a holiday, when the child is left with the father tells me that you are not helping the situation, you have already judged her very harshly.

It’s a bit of a sad but common situation, when couples separate and the father looks to female family members to ‘back his corner’ who are only too happy to put down the ex wife.

How many mothers come on here and moan about their ex not turning up to collect their shared child or making an excuse to why they can’t see them because they want to go out with their new gfs etc.
Would you also say what an inconvenience, cry me a river etc when it’s the mum left looking after the child too?
A man not seeing his child when he’s supposed to is the worst thing on here (and rightly so).
So why is it any different for a woman?

A parent who doesn't see their children enough isn't the same as having your child a few extra days than normal.

You're talking about 2 separate things.

I'd say the same to any parent, mother or father, that viewed having to actually have their child as an inconvenience.

Which is the vibe I got from the OP.

This. If he can’t cover her holiday, it’s far from a 50/50 arrangement. Either back up the main resident parent, the mum, with good maintenance or be truly 50/50. Can’t have both.

But isn't he the main resident parent?

Nailed it.

If OP ever comes back I'd like to know two things:

1. How far away is this holiday?
2. How many times in the past has the ex attempted to arrange a holiday and been knocked back by her ex, your brother?

4 nights. It’s in the opening line of the OP. A lot is unexplained as to how this works in daytime hours, during school holidays etc because the OP hasn’t been back to clarify. I expect because the reality is that ex actually has daughter more than is made out.

Well the amount of threads on here should make you thankful. There are many many threads where the non resident parent doesn't feed children, doesn't pay towards uniform, trips, clubs because "that's what maintenances for" that's even if they pay the legal mimimum!!

Don’t be bitter. Concentrate on the good things.

Is the ex going during term time it in the school holidays? Does the child's school have a holiday club or after-school provision? Perhaps you can split this cost with your ex.

I don't think "abandoning" is the right word for what is happening here, but can see that it may inconvenience you a great deal.

There was a very similar,almost identical post from a female recently and the holiday going make got slated.funny how it's now the other way round!
Ok tell her she has to find cover for the days she normally has the dc it's her responsibility not yours.

@Marlowqueen

what do I have to be bitter about?

you're just being a smug unpleasant person.

No it's not, but that's NOT what she's said. Try reading all her posts.

Last year I asked my ex if he could watch our children for a weekend while I took my youngest daughter away for her birthday (different dad and my youngest is a toddler so doing cebeebies world). He said yes. Then in February he gave me a list of dates he is unavailable amd I reminded him one of those dates was when I was away. He apologised and said it was fine. Then 2 weeks ago he sent a message saying he is going on holiday with his girlfriend so I will need to arrange my own childcare on the dates (even though I'd checked with him first). She isn't abandoning your daughter.
I have 4 kids and full time. I'm sorry but why do men seem to think they shouldn't be involved with childcare and the juggle of child arrangements and work?
She has informed you she is unavailable. If there was a medical emergency what would you do? (My ex actually requested Foster care for my medical emergency!).
Dads are just as capable as mums are.