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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leaving out dds bully

132 replies

dozydoo · 06/06/2023 15:00

It's dds (6) 7th birthday next month,
we've had her party booked for a while, she's in a class of 20, and we can only invite 25 kids to the party, my issue is that there's a child in her class who is awful to her.

I've tried to speak to her dm about how she is with my dd, but she's very dismissive and doesn't see that her dd does anything wrong, her dd has also been horrible to quite a few other children in class. The teachers are involved and she has been told she is to stay away from all three of my children at that school, and is on report card for her behaviour, including being rude and disrespectful and lashing out at children and teachers. (There is definitely no sen)

Now my predicament is that dd is adamant she doesn't want said child there, if I'm honest, I really don't want her there either, but can I really be the mum who leaves out one child?

OP posts:
Carrusa · 06/06/2023 15:08

The done thing seems to be to limit it to 10-12 or so. Does she honestly play with all the other 18?

Though having done this ourselves, it didn't feel great limiting the numbers. I'm not sure those left out even knew they were one of several, so I'm not convinced it made them feel any better.

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 06/06/2023 15:10

Surely your dd just invites the dc she wants to? The dm will know why her dd isn't going.. No need to think of ways to excuse your decision

Noicant · 06/06/2023 15:11

I would have no problem with excluding her. Your Dd has a right to have a birthday without being worried about being bullied at it.

Noicant · 06/06/2023 15:11

I mean if it was your birthday would you invite someone who bullies you at work?

Lovetotravel123 · 06/06/2023 15:14

I think it is fine to leave the kid out. Maybe they will finally learn that they can’t behave like that without implications.

Softoprider · 06/06/2023 15:14

Sit down with your child and get her to write down the names of the children she would like to attend. Put a cap on the numbers.

OhComeOnFFS · 06/06/2023 15:16

I wouldn't invite everyone except this girl, but equally I wouldn't invite her.

Is it the norm in her school to invite the full class?

BMW6 · 06/06/2023 15:16

Of course the bully doesn't get invited! Tough if they're the only one excluded. Actions have consequences and even a 6 year old ought to be able to understand that. If not the parent has utterly failed.

ItsNotRocketSalad · 06/06/2023 15:18

I'd have no issue whatsoever in leaving out one bully from the class. You certainly don't have to change the nature of your daughter's party (by reducing numbers to half the class) to accommodate her bully.

It's natural consequences. You're mean to other children, you don't get invited to parties.

CwmYoy · 06/06/2023 15:22

Leave her out. She needs to learn that actions have consequences.

mumofboys8787 · 06/06/2023 15:24

Maybe this makes me mean, but I'd have no issue just leaving out the bully. That's what happens when you're mean to other people, you miss out on fun things. I don't see why you should leave out other children who would otherwise be invited - what purpose does that serve? Especially if the mother is already aware of the issue, maybe the fact that her child is the only one not invited might make her finally take notice.

Anissue · 06/06/2023 15:26

I don’t think it’s fine to leave one 6yo child out, bully or not. Include her or invite 10 kids only.

Anissue · 06/06/2023 15:27

CwmYoy · 06/06/2023 15:22

Leave her out. She needs to learn that actions have consequences.

Sorry but not it’s not going to land like that with the child, she’s not going to think her actions caused her to be left out, especially if her mum won’t accept it either.

EarthlyNightshade · 06/06/2023 15:28

When you say there is definitely no SEN, what do you mean by that? Has she been tested for various things and all been ruled out?
I wouldn't invite her, but I personally would not be able to leave out just one child.
Does your DD want everyone else there or could she have a smaller gathering with her main friends?

skippy67 · 06/06/2023 15:29

CwmYoy · 06/06/2023 15:22

Leave her out. She needs to learn that actions have consequences.

Exactly. My daughter was adamant she didn't want one particular boy at her 7th birthday party, so we didn't invite him. He turned up anyway, but that's a whole other thread!😅

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 06/06/2023 15:29

I think you shouldn't just leave one child out especially a 6 year old. This doesn't sound like a happy child, they may have undiagnosed SEN or trauma - you don't know.

I would look at just inviting the children your child plays with rather than the whole class. I wouldn't want to invite her but I couldn't leave just her out.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 06/06/2023 15:30

Anissue · 06/06/2023 15:26

I don’t think it’s fine to leave one 6yo child out, bully or not. Include her or invite 10 kids only.

I agree but it looks like we're in the minority. If she was 9 or 10 then yes but at 6 years old I think it's unfair to invite a whole class and not her. That being said, I wouldn't invite her so would cut down the amount of school friends and invite others from outside of school.

Also you can't know for certain there are no SNs. She's 6 and that behaviour isn't usual so I'd assume there are some issues there even if they haven't been identified yet

weirdas · 06/06/2023 15:31

I wouldn't invite her as that's unfair on ur dd but equally I wouldn't invite the whole class bar one

DisforDarkChocolate · 06/06/2023 15:32

How many family children and friends not at school will be invited?

Leaving one out is after against policy but only when you hand out invites at school. Can you send them another way of you want to leave her out (with very good reason).

MargotBamborough · 06/06/2023 15:33

If she's been told to stay away from your child at school it makes no sense to invite her to a party outside school.

Do you really have to invite all the rest of the class though?

SunnySaturdayMorning · 06/06/2023 15:33

BMW6 · 06/06/2023 15:16

Of course the bully doesn't get invited! Tough if they're the only one excluded. Actions have consequences and even a 6 year old ought to be able to understand that. If not the parent has utterly failed.

Absolutely this. Maybe it’ll make her think twice about her behaviour and how nobody will want to play with her if she’s mean.

DemonicCaveMaggot · 06/06/2023 15:33

I think at 7 parties can move away from being the whole class. I would invite fewer children from school and as others posted, invite children your DD knows from outside school. If she is being bullied it is important to foster friendships outside school in case it continues or spreads.

Whatkindofuckeryisthis · 06/06/2023 15:34

If this were me, I would 100% not invite her! DM is aware and so is the school. Don’t feel obliged to do something you don’t want to. You shouldn’t feel like you need to pay for this child and also worry they’ll upset yours or others!

Brendabigbaps · 06/06/2023 15:36

skippy67 · 06/06/2023 15:29

Exactly. My daughter was adamant she didn't want one particular boy at her 7th birthday party, so we didn't invite him. He turned up anyway, but that's a whole other thread!😅

Show quote history

I’m waiting patiently for this other thread to appear 😀

SerafinasGoose · 06/06/2023 15:36

I would not expect my daughter to spend her birthday entertaining the class bully. Equally, I'm of just as strong a conviction that the answer to bullying is not more bullying. Leaving out just one child from a whole class is doing precisely that. Nor would this be setting a particularly good example to my own children.

The suggestion upthread that you cap numbers and ask DD to indicate her preferred choices seems sensible.