Leaving out dds bully

[dozydoo]

It's dds (6) 7th birthday next month,
we've had her party booked for a while, she's in a class of 20, and we can only invite 25 kids to the party, my issue is that there's a child in her class who is awful to her.

I've tried to speak to her dm about how she is with my dd, but she's very dismissive and doesn't see that her dd does anything wrong, her dd has also been horrible to quite a few other children in class. The teachers are involved and she has been told she is to stay away from all three of my children at that school, and is on report card for her behaviour, including being rude and disrespectful and lashing out at children and teachers. (There is definitely no sen)

Now my predicament is that dd is adamant she doesn't want said child there, if I'm honest, I really don't want her there either, but can I really be the mum who leaves out one child?

Said child is 6. Their behaviour is in response to something, it sounds like their behaviour is out of control but I don't think a 6 year old is a bully - lashing out and being mean, yes, but I don't think they are fully aware of the implications of their behaviour at that age.

Ordinarily, I wouldn't leave out one child, but given the history of bullying... Honestly, I wouldn't feel bad about it. If you do, just invite her 'better' friends from the class, as pp have suggested. I don't think you're morally obligated to invite a bully to a party, though. Actions have consequences, and bullies aren't liked. The bully needs to learn that, sooner or later.

I'm normally very much a "you can't leave one kid out just because they are a bit of a terror/don't really play with you kid" etc but in this case I'd have no issue leaving that kid out.

Hope your dd enjoys her party!

I was bullied at around 6 by someone the same age. OPs dd I the victim here, not the bully.

I’m not sure why you should be obliged to bend over backwards to spare the feelings of your daughters bully.

Have the party she wants.

In this situation I absolutely would not invite a child who had bullied my child to the extent that they were on report for their behaviour and had been told to stay away from my children. You have tried to speak to the parent with success. I also wouldn't punish other children in the class by excluding them just because of one child's bullying. Actions have consequences. If my child was being awful to other kids I certainly wouldn't expect an invite to be extended to a party of a child whose mother had already had words with me about bullying.
I wouldn't go so far as to hand out invites in front of excluded child at the school gates but I wouldn't push my child to invite someone to her celebration who is going to ruin it for her. That's not fair at all.

I was that mum in Year 3 who left one child out of 30 out of the party after she had been vile to my child. She was a bully all throughout primary and secondary. Didn’t regret it - my child had a lovely party.

I would have no problem in not inviting her and inviting the rest of her class if thats what she wants, its your Dds birthday party, she shouldn't have to entertain someone who is bullying her on her birthday

I was also bullied from around the same age for a long time.

Perhaps, if instead of pandering to her feelings, she'd have been taught actions have consequences so she wouldn't have ended up with me making a mess of her face some years later.

No sympathy for bullies.

I wouldn't invite the bully but I wouldn't just leave her out. I have always asked my children to tell me who want to invite. I don't see the point of full class parties where kids who don't play with each other invite each other. I can only imagine it's much more fun to have a party with the elope you like the best!

Do not include the bully.
It's your daughter's birthday and that's no place for someone who is horrible to her.

Leave her out. She has to understand there are consequences to her actions. If her mum hadn’t been so dismissive in the the first place she might be been able to improve her behaviour.

Your DD invites the children she wants to invite. And if it turns out it's the whole class? Meh

Maybe bully's mum will finally understand if she finds out

Sorry, but I think you are wrong.

No one has kindly feelings toward the child who is bullying their own DC. As adults, however, we are the ones who should be expected to manage our feelings better - a child of that age can't - and to model the value of tact and compromise to our kids.

The child in question is just six years old. This is too young to understand and manage their emotions; or, for that matter, to piece together the 'actions = consequences' correlation of having left them out of a party the whole remainder of the class is attending.

A smaller collection of friends rather than a 'whole class' party is also hardly a punishment. Were the entire cohort aware of OP's intentions to invite them to start with; had invitations been sent and later rescinded? Was OP's DC fully appraised of the process? If not, then the suggestion that this amounts to 'punishment' is a little OTT.

I can well understand why OP would not want to be the person singling out any particular child: that is the question she wants answered in her original post. I wouldn't want to, either.

I'm not inviting my DS's bully to his party later this year. It's not us bullying him, I just think that DS gets assaulted by this child a few times a week, he shouldn't have to endure it at his own birthday party too. I won't be potentially disappointing other children to spare his feelings either by changing the numbers. The bully has no one to blame but himself.

She's being kept away from all your kids at school. The school clearly know about the issues. The mum also does, even if she doesn't give a toss.

Don't invite. If asked by the bully mum or the school, do your best confused face and explain that the school are deliberately separating them for safety reasons, so it would obviously be usafe to invite her, yet unfair to disinclude others simply due to the bully's unkind and unsafe behaviour.

It's not bullying to miss out only one, when with a defendable reason imo. I spent a playtime in a staff office with a younger primary child showing unkind behaviour only today - can't keep your hands to yourself, then you can't play with the other children. Don't expect to give out the invitations at school though!

I wouldn’t look at this as leaving her out. You are inviting 25 children and she isn't one of them. If anyone asks the party is made up of her friends which are mostly classmates, some neighbours and relatives. It would also send a mixed message to the child who has been asked to stay away to suddenly invite her for a treat. I would however ensure your daughter knows not to crow over her or use it as leverage (not saying she will, but lots of little children would!)

Some of the invited guests won't come anyway. Absences won't attract attention.

If anyone asks where Bullygirl is, just say " she couldn't come". IF they ask "is it true she wasn't invited ? " Just say "Yes; they don't get on.".

It's pretty unlikely the bully's mum is going to draw attention to the lack of invitation. because they she'd have to explain it.

I wouldn't invite her as it's not fair to your child. But as a side note you can know that there's definitely no SEN.

So if 6 is too young to understand actions = consequences then ops DD is also too young to understand why mummy is forcing her to invite a child who is making her unhappy or making her change who she invites surely?

I'd rather upset a bully than my own child tbh.

I wouldn’t invite the girl if she’s been told by the school to keep away from your three, it’s contradictory and could foreseeably lead to more problems. I’m glad the school are listening.

Agree that the answer to bullying probably isn’t excluding one child either; it feels pointed and unpleasant. I’m inclined to think that the parents are at fault way more than the child, she’s quite young to be in so much trouble. Although that doesn’t mean you’ve to sacrifice your daughter’s happiness and security on her birthday (or any other day).

Unless your DD is wildly keen on everyone else but her, I’d probably invite thirteen from the class and make up the numbers a bit with siblings’ friends, neighbour kids, cousins, the children of your friends, if you want. (We had twenty-odd eight year olds at a bouncy party once and it was an abject shitshow, I spent the whole afternoon running around after everyone and barely got to see my child! Nearly forgot to take photos of her blowing out the candles because someone was having a rager!)

The teachers are involved and she has been told she is to stay away from all three of my children at that school

Bully girl has been told to stay away from all 3 of your children, why on earth would you invite her to your child's party. Don't so it.

This WILL hurt but she will learn and so will her bloody dismissive mother. There is a clear message in it.

Don't invite her.

Thank you everyone, I'm such a people pleaser this is really causing me a lot of stress and anxiety, but the party was organised and paid for before the most recent incidents happened in which she has been vile to dd, or we just would have had a little party in the garden or something of the like.

the other child is 7, my dd is the youngest in the class and the other child is well aware of what she is doing, she told the teacher she likes to see other children cry, it's not just my dd who she has been bullying, she has thrown things (pencils, scissors etc) at children and the teachers, and some of the things she says are just awful!

Her parents are the same as she is, they're both very rude and treat people horribly, so they don't see anything wrong in what she does, which is obviously where she gets it from, which is very sad.

It's usual at our school for the invites to be handed to a ta, who then discreetly puts them in book bags of the children invited, it's not unusual for the children to only invite who they want, but also not unusual for a full class to be invited either, but as it goes, dd does play with everyone else in her year group apart from this one child, and I really don't want to not invite any of her lovely friends to cap the numbers, when dd really wants them there.

I did not say OP should force her child to invite the bully.