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AIBU?

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Original poster

Leaving out dds bully

132 replies

dozydoo · 06/06/2023 15:00

It's dds (6) 7th birthday next month,
we've had her party booked for a while, she's in a class of 20, and we can only invite 25 kids to the party, my issue is that there's a child in her class who is awful to her.

I've tried to speak to her dm about how she is with my dd, but she's very dismissive and doesn't see that her dd does anything wrong, her dd has also been horrible to quite a few other children in class. The teachers are involved and she has been told she is to stay away from all three of my children at that school, and is on report card for her behaviour, including being rude and disrespectful and lashing out at children and teachers. (There is definitely no sen)

Now my predicament is that dd is adamant she doesn't want said child there, if I'm honest, I really don't want her there either, but can I really be the mum who leaves out one child?

OP posts:
Brendabigbaps · 06/06/2023 15:38

Natural consequences.
no way would the child be coming to the party.

leaving the child out isn’t bullying fgs! 🙄

Ellie1015 · 06/06/2023 15:41

The school have told the child to stay away from your children, i dont think you can invite them.

Hannahsbananas · 06/06/2023 15:41

I always feel a bit sorry for the 7+ children that get bumped off the list to camouflage the bullying child’s non invitation…
It’s difficult.

skippy67 · 06/06/2023 15:42

Brendabigbaps · 06/06/2023 15:36

I’m waiting patiently for this other thread to appear 😀

Show quote history

😅 It was a long time ago (dd is 22 now!) She was absolutely fuming when Uninvited Boy (UB) turned up! She didn't speak much to him other than to say "I told you you're not invited". UB didn't seem too bothered, enjoyed the party and have her a present so not all bad🤣
This was when we were living abroad where things like actual invitations didn't seem to matter!

WaltzingWaters · 06/06/2023 15:42

Ordinarily there shouldn’t just be one child in a class excluded from a party. But as she is bullying your child, the child’s parents fail to help things get better, and the school are aware of the problem, I’d say it’s fine. Your dd shouldn’t have to be worried about being bullied at her own party.

OhmygodDont · 06/06/2023 15:44

You can’t bully your own bully.

Actions have consequences, she is the only child not invited.

lysozyme · 06/06/2023 15:48

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 06/06/2023 15:29

I think you shouldn't just leave one child out especially a 6 year old. This doesn't sound like a happy child, they may have undiagnosed SEN or trauma - you don't know.

I would look at just inviting the children your child plays with rather than the whole class. I wouldn't want to invite her but I couldn't leave just her out.

There's no excuse for being a bully.

aSofaNearYou · 06/06/2023 15:51

Perfectly reasonable.

DressDilemma · 06/06/2023 15:56

This sounds unkind. A six year old is still learning and developing and is still really young. You shouldn't be bullying her back as an adult by excluding just her from a whole class party. Either include her as well or invite no more than 2/3rds of the class.

ailsamaryc · 06/06/2023 15:58

SerafinasGoose · 06/06/2023 15:36

I would not expect my daughter to spend her birthday entertaining the class bully. Equally, I'm of just as strong a conviction that the answer to bullying is not more bullying. Leaving out just one child from a whole class is doing precisely that. Nor would this be setting a particularly good example to my own children.

The suggestion upthread that you cap numbers and ask DD to indicate her preferred choices seems sensible.

This, leaving one child out is also bullying. Invite less children so she isn't the only one left out.

Couple of reasons for that - it may be against school policy to hand out invites at school which do not include whole class, also this could be turned around and happen to your child and you wouldn't have a leg to stand on and would be very upsetting towards your dear cbild.

Feelinadequate23 · 06/06/2023 16:02

It’s not bullying to leave one child out if the reason is that they have been horrid to the birthday child! It would only be bullying if your DC just didn’t want them there for no reason or if they claimed this was the only child in the class they didn’t play with. OP, just invite the people your daughter wants there and who will make her have a fun party. Don’t teach your daughter to be a doormat by changing her plans to avoid upsetting her own bully!

PossiblyNotOne · 06/06/2023 16:07

Of course you shouldn’t invite them, your DD’s feeling matter more.

Summerpetal · 06/06/2023 16:10

skippy67 · 06/06/2023 15:29

Exactly. My daughter was adamant she didn't want one particular boy at her 7th birthday party, so we didn't invite him. He turned up anyway, but that's a whole other thread!😅

Show quote history

Do tell …how did he just turn up

Highfivemum · 06/06/2023 16:19

There was much debate in the tv about this yesterday as a parent had complained to the school when her daughter wasn’t invited.
I have my own views on this. Your DD a has a right to have who she wants at her party she is a person on her own right as just because she is a child doesn’t mean she has to accept that her bully goes to her party. No way would I invite the bully. It would not bother me in the slightest if one of mine invited all the class and left out the bully. That is life and the bully may learn a valuable lesson if a couple of kiddies all did the same thing with their parties. By pampering after her she will carry on. It is obvious the parent will not teach her about how to behaviour on not to behaviour so maybe kids can do this by not tolerating her at a party .
I have experience of this first hand as one of my school mums invited all the class including her DS tormenter. I ended up having to take the child and sit with him till his parents arrived as he wanted to Ruin the party. He succeeded.

Scienceadvisory · 06/06/2023 16:26

SerafinasGoose · 06/06/2023 15:36

I would not expect my daughter to spend her birthday entertaining the class bully. Equally, I'm of just as strong a conviction that the answer to bullying is not more bullying. Leaving out just one child from a whole class is doing precisely that. Nor would this be setting a particularly good example to my own children.

The suggestion upthread that you cap numbers and ask DD to indicate her preferred choices seems sensible.

It's not bullying to not invite a bully to a party, its just natural consequences.

I'm surprised you and so many other posters would rather cap the number of children than simply leave the bully out. You are essentially punishing the other children to spare the feelings of the bully. Why? Why should these kids miss out and the birthday child miss out on the party they want in order to protect the feelings of a bully?

AnorLondo · 06/06/2023 16:26

DressDilemma · 06/06/2023 15:56

This sounds unkind. A six year old is still learning and developing and is still really young. You shouldn't be bullying her back as an adult by excluding just her from a whole class party. Either include her as well or invite no more than 2/3rds of the class.

So either OPs daughter should have to have her bully st her party, or some other children who have done nothing wrong are excluded? All to protect the feelings of a bully?

Countingdowntodecember · 06/06/2023 16:27

I wouldn’t invite the bully, but I wouldn’t only leave one 6 year old out either.

Also you can’t know that there is ‘definitely no Sen’… plenty of children are undiagnosed at 6 (or even as adults).

SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs · 06/06/2023 16:27

BMW6 · 06/06/2023 15:16

Of course the bully doesn't get invited! Tough if they're the only one excluded. Actions have consequences and even a 6 year old ought to be able to understand that. If not the parent has utterly failed.

Exactly this. She needbsto learn that her actions have consequences. I wouldn't care if she was the only one not invited. If the mother says anything, I'd just be saying that none of the other kids bully your DD so they were invited.

NoneOfThisIsReal · 06/06/2023 16:28

Yep leave out the bully.

The parents are obviously incompetent so maybe this will show the child the consequences of her actions.

BellaJuno · 06/06/2023 16:29

SerafinasGoose · 06/06/2023 15:36

I would not expect my daughter to spend her birthday entertaining the class bully. Equally, I'm of just as strong a conviction that the answer to bullying is not more bullying. Leaving out just one child from a whole class is doing precisely that. Nor would this be setting a particularly good example to my own children.

The suggestion upthread that you cap numbers and ask DD to indicate her preferred choices seems sensible.

I agree with this, absolutely don’t invite the child but don’t be the parent who deliberately excludes one child from a whole cohort.

Tinkerbyebye · 06/06/2023 16:29

I would limit numbers so not everyone is invited. However if you do I wouldn’t invite her and when her mother kicks off I would reintegrate what you said in your op about her bullying and the school know

LilyLemonade · 06/06/2023 16:31

I would not leave a single child out at that age. I would cap numbers instead.

FeeFiFoFumble · 06/06/2023 16:35

Could you invite the child but tell the parents the child can only attend if the parents stay for the whole party and make sure the child behaves? It's the only reasonable-ish alternative I can come up with if you don't want to go with capping numbers / leaving one child out, plus it has the added benefit of shaming the parents a little bit 🙈

LondonElle · 06/06/2023 16:36

A young child does not have the same maturity, life skills, processing skills, self awareness or self control like an adult does.
Her behaviour is a reaction to something that is happening to her or has happened to her, her behaviour does not sound typical and could well be Sen.
I think to leave out one child is cruel, this happened in my child's class years back and a lot of people were talking about the parent who's child's party is was, a lot thought it spiteful and immature and a few didn't turn up in protest!
I am of the impression that a child of this age doesn't not understand the implications of their actions fully their brain hasn't developed fully so I am loathe to call them bullies at such a young age.
Also the school will not allow invites to be handed out in class when there is only one child uninvited.
That being said it's your child's party and her wishes must come first it's fine not to invite the child but it's a cruel punishment for the child to be the only one not invited.

Firawla · 06/06/2023 16:39

The child is bullying your dd it is absolutely fine to leave her out, you have to put dd first in this situation

This exact situation was on good morning Britain yesterday for a debate, here’s the YouTube link if you want to watch it and reassure yourself that the vast majority of people would agree with what you’re doing

Invite Whole Class To Child’s Birthday? | Good Morning Britain

A distraught mum has revealed she went to her son’s school to complain after he wasn’t invited to a party. The eight-year-old came home ‘in tears’ after one ...

https://youtu.be/B-UJIlIVmcI