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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leaving out dds bully

132 replies

dozydoo · 06/06/2023 15:00

It's dds (6) 7th birthday next month,
we've had her party booked for a while, she's in a class of 20, and we can only invite 25 kids to the party, my issue is that there's a child in her class who is awful to her.

I've tried to speak to her dm about how she is with my dd, but she's very dismissive and doesn't see that her dd does anything wrong, her dd has also been horrible to quite a few other children in class. The teachers are involved and she has been told she is to stay away from all three of my children at that school, and is on report card for her behaviour, including being rude and disrespectful and lashing out at children and teachers. (There is definitely no sen)

Now my predicament is that dd is adamant she doesn't want said child there, if I'm honest, I really don't want her there either, but can I really be the mum who leaves out one child?

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 06/06/2023 17:43

Under the circumstances that the children are to be kept apart at school, it would go against all measures put in place to protect your dd. Normally though, I wouldn’t advocate leaving one or 2 children out though.

Nevermind31 · 06/06/2023 17:45

How is your DD going to feel when the other child invites everyone but her to her party?

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/06/2023 17:48

It sends mixed messages to the bullying child if she is invited. She will reason that if she is still invited to parties, people aren't really bothered by her bullying, and will continue to bully.

As to your DD's party - "we've had her party booked for a while, she's in a class of 20, and we can only invite 25 kids to the party". 25 is the maximum you can invite. Yes you've paid for 25, but - so what? You can invite 24, 19, 18, 12, 3. If you want to invite all the class bar the bully, you can. If you want to invite a mix of schoolfriends and family/neighbours, you can. The only thing you cannot do is invite 26.

Purpledaisies4 · 06/06/2023 17:49

My son is having a party in the summer, we have invited the whole class apart from 1 child. My husband used to work with his mum & she made my husbands time at that job a misery to the point he actully left without another job to go to. She comes across all lovely in the playground but we know what she's really like. I've also seen how her child behaves during class/ school performances & how he's behaved at other parties we've been too + heard her basically bragging in the playground about his awful behaviour, she does nothing to stop his behaviour & seems to find it funny so when I'm spending several hundred pounds on this I don't want, for better words the class trouble maker & his mum there.

SalviaDivinorum · 06/06/2023 17:53

I wouldn't think twice about leaving her out.

She's already not permitted to be around your child on school premises so why on earth should your DD be subjected to her at her own birthday party? It also waters down the action taken by the school.

panromanticist · 06/06/2023 17:57

I wouldn't want to invite this girl. But I don't think that six and seven-year-olds entirely make the link between "I am a bully" = "I therefore don't get invited to parties". I think they're more inclined to think "I don't get invited to parties" = "everyone is being mean to me", and then they become even more likely to bully other children.

I actually wouldn't know what to do in this situation. It helps, a bit, that school has said that this girl isn't to go anywhere near your children, OP, as that does make it easier to exclude her for a clear and 'external' reason. But the girl clearly has problems, and excluding her is likely to make her behave even more badly (not that this is your problem - unless she takes it out on your daughter).
I think I'd probably end up going down the 'limit the numbers' route.

There was a girl a bit like this at one of my children's schools. The other parents were all up in arms about it (she didn't just 'pick on' one child - her behaviour generally was problematic). The girl's parents were a PITA too. Several parents threatened to withdraw their children, and the girl in question was asked to leave. Though, again, all this does is shovel the problem onto some other poor school.

LlynTegid · 06/06/2023 18:00

You would be undermining the school's actions to invite her, in a way.

Grumpy67i8 · 06/06/2023 18:00

Hmm the children are quite young still and 1) I would be worried about repercussions on your DD and 2) it is actually cruel to the 'bully'. Given the change in circumstances I would do anything I could to change the party to a smaller one.

AnalLysis · 06/06/2023 18:02

panromanticist · 06/06/2023 17:57

I wouldn't want to invite this girl. But I don't think that six and seven-year-olds entirely make the link between "I am a bully" = "I therefore don't get invited to parties". I think they're more inclined to think "I don't get invited to parties" = "everyone is being mean to me", and then they become even more likely to bully other children.

I actually wouldn't know what to do in this situation. It helps, a bit, that school has said that this girl isn't to go anywhere near your children, OP, as that does make it easier to exclude her for a clear and 'external' reason. But the girl clearly has problems, and excluding her is likely to make her behave even more badly (not that this is your problem - unless she takes it out on your daughter).
I think I'd probably end up going down the 'limit the numbers' route.

There was a girl a bit like this at one of my children's schools. The other parents were all up in arms about it (she didn't just 'pick on' one child - her behaviour generally was problematic). The girl's parents were a PITA too. Several parents threatened to withdraw their children, and the girl in question was asked to leave. Though, again, all this does is shovel the problem onto some other poor school.

I agree that bully is unlikely to learn from this. But it’s more about teaching OP’s DD that it’s ok to not associate with people who are unkind to her. This isn’t about teaching the bully a lesson. She doesn’t even need to know (although she will likely find out)

PimpMyFridge · 06/06/2023 18:04

The DD should be allowed to have her birthday party without someone there who she must be nervous of. She should be able to relax and have fun.
So worrying the exclusion will make things worse is a moot point, inviting her is hardly going to make things better...
More likely child will instinctively know she's got a doormat for a victim and ramp it up even more, maybe take the piss out of the party and ruin dd's happy memories of it.

WickedSerious · 06/06/2023 18:05

I wouldn't hesitate to leave her out.

Superdupes · 06/06/2023 18:05

I wouldn't invite this child and I wouldn't normally think it was ok to exclude just one - but in this case I think it's ok. I wouldn't be handing the invites out in front of her though as who knows why she is like this, just discreetly invite everyone else.

justprance · 06/06/2023 18:13

Superdupes · 06/06/2023 18:05

I wouldn't invite this child and I wouldn't normally think it was ok to exclude just one - but in this case I think it's ok. I wouldn't be handing the invites out in front of her though as who knows why she is like this, just discreetly invite everyone else.

This

Opaque11 · 06/06/2023 18:19

Nevermind31 · 06/06/2023 17:45

How is your DD going to feel when the other child invites everyone but her to her party?

Well I'm sure all her victims wouldn't be invited or want to go, so op's dd probably won't need to worry about that. Only on MN should you put the person who is tormenting your child ahead of your own child. Leave the horrible child out and let her feel the consequences of her actions.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 06/06/2023 18:25

Somanycats · 06/06/2023 17:22

Do what you want. Let your daughter dig her own grave if you want. What the hell do you think the 'bully' child will do when she discovers she was the only one left out? If you honestly can't work it out I'll tell you - it's be extra hateful to your DD. And this time with good reason in her own mind. You are feeding the fire not putting it out. Think of an alternative.

The risk of repercussions is exactly why I didn’t report the bullying at school that blighted 6 years of my life, and left me with life long depression, anxiety and low self esteem, @Somanycats - but it was so wrong. It allowed the bullying to go on, relentlessly, and the bullies faced no consequences.

If your child was being bullied at school, would you want the bullies to face consequences? Would you encourage your child to report the bullying, and back them up when they did, or would you tell them they could report it if they wanted but they’d be digging their own grave, and it would make the bullies be extra hateful?

I was having suicidal thoughts by the time I was in my mid teens - thinking about stealing painkillers to overdose, trying a blade against my wrist - this is what bullying does - so I fervently believe we need to empower our children to deal with bullying - we definitely do not need to prioritise the feelings of the bullies. I also believe that telling a child that they have to invite the child who is making their life a misery to their party just shows the child that you don’t care about their feelings, and that you don’t have their back against the bullies. My own mum did not back me up or support me when I was being bullied, and it damaged our relationship - and it made it even harder for me to even think about reporting the bullying - after all, if my own mother didn’t back me up, how could I trust that the teachers would do any better?

hookiewookie29 · 06/06/2023 18:26

Absolutely bloody well not!
It's sending the message to the child that it's ok to be mean and nasty to someone, they'll still get to do the nice stuff at their expense. Speaking as a mother of a bullied daughter, hell would freeze over before they got a party invite

TrashyPanda · 06/06/2023 18:35

Gosh, things are so bad at school that they keep her away from your DC.

no way would I invite her - it’s not fair on your DD and it would make it all about the bully.

your DD should be able to invite all the friends she wants, not have to limit numbers so the bully doesn’t feel bad. Why should blameless kids be effectively punished when they are wanted?

TrashyPanda · 06/06/2023 18:36

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius - my heart goes out to you.

PossiblyNotOne · 06/06/2023 18:38

You need to think about why you’re a people pleaser and how it may stop your DD from trying to establish boundaries, which is exactly what she is trying to do here. Don’t override them at her expense. She needs to grow up knowing it’s ok to say no.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 06/06/2023 18:39

I don't see a dilemma at all. Of course you don't invite your child's tormentor to your child's party. Forgive me, but why are you even considering it? This is not a simple case of leaving someone out. It's about protecting your child.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 06/06/2023 18:39

Not a chance I'd invite the bully. 6 is old enough to know not to throw things at people and call them names. Now it's time for her to learn actions have consequences.

Floralys2 · 06/06/2023 18:44

Think of your DD

Would she want the bully there?

Didn't think so

KR2023 · 06/06/2023 18:56

You will look a complete tit to the school if she is not allowed near your kids in school time, but all is fine after 3.30pm Friday till 9am Monday.

And they quite rightly wont take you seriously next time, when bully ramps it up in Year 3/4/5/6

Original poster
dozydoo · 06/06/2023 21:30

Thank you again everyone for all of your opinions, dd has said she doesn't want her there, and I really don't want to deal with her either.

I don't want my dd to be worried at her party about what the other child will say or do, and the majority of people I have spoken to about it irl have said to not include her, but there were a few who said I'd have to as it's all off dds class. The issue there is that dd does genuinely get on really well with everyone else there, and asked to invite everyone else.

I'm glad so many of you agree that it's fine to not have the child there, we have had lots of discussions with dd about if someone makes you sad, or uncomfortable, it is fine to walk away and tell them you don't want to talk to them if they're going to continue to be mean, and dd has been doing really well with that when the other child has tried to approach her during break times when there's only minimal staff to watch all of the children.

I completely agree with everyone that it would send very mixed messages if we invited her after her being told to stay away from all of my dc, but after being told irl by a few people I was being unfair by not wanting to invite her, I started second guessing myself.

Thank you all again. 🙂

OP posts:
Original poster
dozydoo · 06/06/2023 21:31

Somanycats · 06/06/2023 17:22

Do what you want. Let your daughter dig her own grave if you want. What the hell do you think the 'bully' child will do when she discovers she was the only one left out? If you honestly can't work it out I'll tell you - it's be extra hateful to your DD. And this time with good reason in her own mind. You are feeding the fire not putting it out. Think of an alternative.

Wow, that's a very bizarre response!

OP posts: