Leaving out dds bully

[dozydoo]

It's dds (6) 7th birthday next month,
we've had her party booked for a while, she's in a class of 20, and we can only invite 25 kids to the party, my issue is that there's a child in her class who is awful to her.

I've tried to speak to her dm about how she is with my dd, but she's very dismissive and doesn't see that her dd does anything wrong, her dd has also been horrible to quite a few other children in class. The teachers are involved and she has been told she is to stay away from all three of my children at that school, and is on report card for her behaviour, including being rude and disrespectful and lashing out at children and teachers. (There is definitely no sen)

Now my predicament is that dd is adamant she doesn't want said child there, if I'm honest, I really don't want her there either, but can I really be the mum who leaves out one child?

It's pretty sick and disgusting to expect your child to have to put up with a bully on their birthday.

Whatever way you do it don't invite the bully.

No way would she be getting an invite. Why would you make a child, especially a girl, invite someone who made her feel unsafe to her birthday celebration. Here we are asking the world to listen to us as adult women that we should be allowed safe spaces from those who we feel threatened by and yet it's ok when it's a small child. It's her birthday, she should be able to enjoy it and feel safe and happy. The fall out from not inviting her is her parents responsibility, not yours.

I would do this and wouldn't even feel a bit bad. Anyone who bullies my child, I could care less.

Don’t invite her.

So ignore the birthday child's wishes and spoil her birthday then 🙄

Fair comment, ignore that part of my post.

@dozydoo look at this way. If being a people pleaser causes you this much stress, wouldn’t you rather set an assertive example to your DD so she can learn to avoid this sort of situation in future? My mum was a people pleaser and it meant I had no backbone growing up. I have one now that I have DC!

This, why on earth would you invite someone who is vile to her?! You wouldn't tolerate this as an adult, but expect a child to? Disgusting to do this on her birthday too.

Do what you want. Let your daughter dig her own grave if you want. What the hell do you think the 'bully' child will do when she discovers she was the only one left out? If you honestly can't work it out I'll tell you - it's be extra hateful to your DD. And this time with good reason in her own mind. You are feeding the fire not putting it out. Think of an alternative.

Wow this is a disgusting attitude, victim blaming and let's not upset anyone in case it makes it worse.

There's is absolutely no way she'd be going to my kids party. I can't believe you'd even make it an issue.

Yanbu.
Tough shit for the bully.

This is what happens when you cant act civilised and your parents aren't socialising you properly, you get rejected.

Yep, got to teach our girls from a young age to always be worried what will happen if they object to something.

What's the likeliness of her finding out anyway? How would the child or the parents know if the whole class is invited? Are they going to go round and take a tally (I'd say unlikely if said child is a bully to not only your child but multiple children). If asked (I'd be surprised if you are) just say you invited her friends. That's true. You don't need to say anything about excluding one child only or the whole class being there. I doubt everyone will be able to go anyway. Your children are not friends and the parents know that. When mine were that age they got invited to certain parties and I'm sure didn't to others, I never gave it a second thought or knew any details of anything they missed. That's life! You can't treat people like shit and not face any consequences and you have to learn that at some age or it never sinks in and you just keep repeating the same bad behaviour. Just invite who DD wants and that's fine. If bully child is physically attacking other children and teachers at school I'm not sure a lively party situation with noise and games etc would be ideal anyway. Have a great time.

I wouldn’t invite a bully. I also wouldn’t invite the whole class. My daughter is friendly with just about everyone in her class but that’s not the same as being good friends. Find out who your daughter’s friends are and invite them.

This. Never would I ever invite that child.

I did. Dd1 was bullied by 2 girls in her class and their older siblings. It was so bad dd1 didn’t speak at school for a year. (We didn’t know about the bullying at first)
I didn’t invite them to her party, don’t care what anyone thinks.

OP, I get where you're coming from but the whole point of the party is for your daughter to enjoy her birthday.

The bully is rude as are her parents, so why are you fretting over them? This is a natural consequence of her and their actions.

Invite whoever your daughter wants. If it happens to be everyone else, then do be it. If this was another nice child then I'd have a different view, but a bully? Nah, doesn't warrant an invite at all.

What I would do is this:

1. Don't mention the party any more to your DD. Any dealings are now between you and the teacher who you're going to ask to distribute the invitations.
2. Invite who you want to be at the party.

Is there any way that you could not invite everyone from her class and do a 50/50 split between classmates and friends from outside of school activities?

I certainly wouldn't invite my child's bully to her birthday party, but I also wouldn't do a whole class party. Do you want 20-25 children there or would you be happy to just invite her actual friends even if it was half that number?

If it was me, I would invite proper friends from her class only, and then if necessary maybe make up some of the numbers by inviting friends from other classes, family children, children of friends, friends from outside school clubs, maybe neighbours children if there are any, maybe even a couple of siblings' friends as you mention you have other children. But definitely no bullies.

What a strange view...

Like you I am a people pleaser, but after reading both your posts I wouldn’t invite the child if it was my child.

I highly doubt this is the first time this child isn’t invited to a party due to their behaviour and it definitely won’t be the last. Sadly it seems the parents are the root of the problem.

Don’t invite the child and let your daughter enjoy her party with all her friends.

This girl has been told to stay away from your kids at school so it logically follows that you shouldn’t be encouraging her to be near them outside school by inviting her to the party!

as PP has said don’t explicitly say to anyone that you’re inviting all the rest. Do invites as discreetly as possible and maybe tell parents you’re friends with / parents of other kids this one has bullied what you’re doing and try to encourage their kids not to make a big deal about the party at school. Presumably a couple of kids won’t be able to attend so it’s not like they’ll get there and every kid in the class will be there except this one.

This has clearly touched a nerve for you somanycats but you must see that this is an awful lesson? Kill your tormentor with kindness so they are less nasty to you? Is the next step being quiet and demure with dinner on the stove so DH doesn’t beat her up?

Absolutely exclude her. You definitely shouldn't include her. If she's the only one, so be it.
If the other kinds have s great time at the party it will help her alliances against the nasty child.
It isn't like you are going to tell everyone she's not invited, not everyone accepts invitations anyway if they have other stuff on, so you're not publicly shaming her. She just isn't on the guest list. She'll know why and that's not a bad thing, no one else will notice.