To not move him in as I don’t want DD sharing a room?

[SharingARoom]

I have DD, 8 almost 9 Y4.

DP has:
DD 8, Y3
DS 4, Nursery

All 3 DC are at the same school. I have full residency of DD and she visits her dad 1 night EOWend. DP has 50/50 residency of his DC.

I currently have a 3 bed house.

Bedroom 1 is my room
Bedroom 2 is my spare/office space
Bedroom 3 is DDs room.

DD has SN and a medical condition, her space is her sanctuary to get away from it – she always says it’s the only space that is totally hers and she can do what she wants in it (within reason obviously, I don’t allow it to be very messy or for her to write on the walls but it’s her space, decorated exactly how she wants it and with her things where she wants them). It’s also where she goes if she’s having a meltdown. It’s a single room but big enough for her to have a tent den. I do not under any circumstances want her to have to share that space, I deliberately gave her the smaller room when I moved in for this reason, as there’s no moving her aside into a smaller/bigger room or making her share if circumstances change.

It’s my house that I own (well mortgaged). DP is moving in from rented when his contract ends in a few months, he’s in a 2 bed so his DCs share. They also share at their mums.

I have told DP his DC can share the spare room and we can decorate it, it’s big enough for a double bed so they could easily have a side each, although it#s not big enough for a physical divider due to where the window is.

DP wants his DD to go in with my DD in bedroom 2 and his DS to have bedroom 3 as they’re both girls. I have said even if DD didn’t have SN, I still don’t think I’d want her sharing, this is her only home and room – she shares a room at her dads/grandparents with her cousin and it's my house I've paid for. DP thinks that as his DC have to share at their mums they shouldn't have to with him and that it's more logical for both DDs to share the bigger room.

I have said no, they either share bedroom 2 or DP doesn’t move in. I am happy in future to move to a 4 bed so they can all have their own rooms, but it's awhile away yet. DP will not be on the mortgage or paying towards it, bills will be split 50/50 between us and we will still pay for our own holidays with our own DC then have seperate nights away.

So WIBU?

YANBU - DD doesn't share with DPs DD
YABU - DD should share with DPs DD

PP said it perfectly: Never a man in love as one whose tenancy is about to run out.

If they go to the same school, then you probably live within 30 minutes driving distance. That's close enough for him to go back to his own house after seeing you. He can see you the 50% when he doesn't have his children, giving you both time to focus on your DC.

Good grief - don’t move him in. Everything is in his favour and nothing is in yours. Its not ok for your DD to have her own room but it’s ok for his son, so your DD has to give up her room to the son of a man who is getting free accommodation for him and his kids. Hell no, do you see how mad this is?

Do not move him in. Has he even acknowledged your daughter's medical condition? I was in a similar situation at your daughter's age in that I have a disability and was being treated badly by my mum's new partner. I could see very clearly that she was not putting me first and I have never forgiven her for it.

100% this!

Are you really ready to parent his 8 and 4 year old 50% of the time. Do you really want to take this step parenting role on. You already work and have a child with Sen. 1 child to 3 is a huge leap. I am guessing that you will be doing much more cleaning, laundry, food shopping, childcare. Moving in with a 8 and 4 year old is a huge huge ask of you in terms of yours and dd lifestyle. She should be making every concession he can here. I am not sure this will work if you don’t have the room. You will lose your office. You say you are not really bothered if he moves in or not I would say that give it some time and don’t do it. I would also question why you get to pay the mortgage and 50% of the bills. What a bout all the ad hoc costs for diy bits and takeaways etc. Also if it doesn’t work out then it will be so hugely disruptive for the kids. I don’t think this is right for any of the kids or you. It’s right for him as he saveS a huge amount of money and he gets another adult to help with childcare so he can have even less than 50% childcare.

You know the right thing to do is not move him in until there is an agreement on rooms. Forcing or rushing this will lead to resentment on all sides. Including the sides of all the different children.

If you have a loft that can be fitted out or some other space .....maybe he can stay in rented until it is done. But anything else will just be unnecessary fuel for the fire.

It's a good thing this is on the radar first. He's not wrong to want space for his DC and you aren't wrong for having hard boundaries. But unless it can be resolved to everyone's satisfaction then he needs to just keep having sleepovers 🤣

YANBU.

I wouldn’t let him move in because you clearly want to prioritise your daughter (nothing wrong with that), but you’ll be constantly fire fighting their minor squabbles and it will pitch you against your partner instead of you working together as a team.

I don’t think your relationship can possibly work until your daughter has grown up and left home or you can both treat all 3 children equally.

Op tell him a big fat no, not until between you, you can afford a 4 bed house.

I might be a cynic but I'll predict him moving in his kids sharing a room, a year or two pass, she's too big to share with brother, why don't the girls share.

And bang goes your girls room

Why are you even considering putting the demands of a man you’re dating above the needs of your autistic child?

The simple answer is that none of them move in, and he rents or buys a house big enough for his own children.

The thing is you are both right, your dd shouldn't have to give up her personal space, and whilst his dc sharing is acceptable right now, within a couple of years it won't really be appropriate for a girl and boy to share. Is your house extendable? Would you be open be moving? If not I can't see how he can move in

This was my first thought too. Completely ridiculous. And his DD will still be sharing anyway, just with a different child. He's got a lot of opinions for someone who can't provide what it is he wants for his own DC>

Both of you should prioritise your kids. It will be difficult for your SN DD to deal with new kids in the house (I’m not sure why you’re even considering it tbh), and it will be difficult for his kids to adapt to a new house, new partner and being around a SN kid.

For everyone’s sanity it would be much easier to continue as you are.

His idea of your and his DD’s sharing - doesn’t sound to me like he has the remotest idea of the needs of SN kids.

Have you tried a holiday all together yet OP?

I would not expect my child to share a room in these circumstances. It's not fair on your daughter and having another family move in is already a big change. Of course she needs that space for herself!

Let him stay where he is. He is already trying his darnedest to control the way you run your home. Do you have a way to protect your home investment if he were to move in? The last thing you need is for him to be able to take half of your house because he lived there and paid part of the mortgage. I just would not be able to trust that he wouldn't move his DD into your DD's room when you were at work.
Eighteen months is not that long. Don't let him move in. I just have this feeling that you would rue the day he did in the end.

Agree with PPs. Don’t let him move in. He’s basically going to be living for much cheaper. Then adding in 2 extra DC that belong to someone else for 50% of the time. Sounds like your expenses increase and your freedom reduces.

Seriously think about what you’re actually gaining from this new arrangement.

This.

Prioritise your DD.

I would say that a 3 bed house is to small for his children to move into half the time so it's better to live separately. It benefits him but not you, do not make your daughter share her room.

His own kids will appreciate the continuity in still sharing. Your kid doesn’t deserve to lose any of her space. This is a no brainer. I agree OP, it’s your way or high way.

Your DD shouldn’t have to share her room. His DD and DS shouldn’t have to share a room (well, it might be ok now, but not for much longer… His DD is unlikely to want to share with her brother once she hits puberty).

The only fair outcome (presuming all children, but especially your DD with SN, will cope with blending families) is to wait until you can both afford a four bedroom house.

He really is a CF.

@SharingARoom

DP is moving in from rented when his contract ends in a few months, he’s in a 2 bed so his DCs share.

OP I daresay you've pretty much decided not to allow your DP and his two children move in with you and your daughter. If you have, especially if you're "not bothered about living with him," then I think calling a complete halt to any potential move is a sensible decision.

Even if your DP agreed to your wishes, there's still the potential that he'll try and pressure you into what he wants anyway, once he and his children move into what will then be a crowded house anyway with the loss of your spare room/office. Also two years is not very long to introduce a blended family into your and your daughter's home, especially with her additional needs.

Additionally maybe read some of the threads on the Step Parenting board to see how frustrating it can be dealing with the added expectations you are likely to encounter. 🌹

This with bells on.
Put DD first. Even if he appears to agree he'll be trying to change things after moving in.

He sounds awful. He is living rent-free and he is making demands that your daughter with special needs gives up her sanctuary in your house so his son can have his own room. He is that special kind of man - no money and demands which he expects somebody else to cover. I would drop him and I certainly wouldn't let him move in. If he did move in I'd have the ownership of your house tied up nice and tight with a legally binding agreement. He sounds exactly the type who would try to claim some ownership if you eventually threw him out even if you're not married.

He wants to move into your home and then dicate your child's sleeping arrangements.

I hope you tell him to get to fuck. Don't move in with him full stop. You don't even sound that bothered about doing so. Keep your home just for you and your daughter. There is zero advantage to her if this man and his kids move in.