To not move him in as I don’t want DD sharing a room?

[SharingARoom]

I have DD, 8 almost 9 Y4.

DP has:
DD 8, Y3
DS 4, Nursery

All 3 DC are at the same school. I have full residency of DD and she visits her dad 1 night EOWend. DP has 50/50 residency of his DC.

I currently have a 3 bed house.

Bedroom 1 is my room
Bedroom 2 is my spare/office space
Bedroom 3 is DDs room.

DD has SN and a medical condition, her space is her sanctuary to get away from it – she always says it’s the only space that is totally hers and she can do what she wants in it (within reason obviously, I don’t allow it to be very messy or for her to write on the walls but it’s her space, decorated exactly how she wants it and with her things where she wants them). It’s also where she goes if she’s having a meltdown. It’s a single room but big enough for her to have a tent den. I do not under any circumstances want her to have to share that space, I deliberately gave her the smaller room when I moved in for this reason, as there’s no moving her aside into a smaller/bigger room or making her share if circumstances change.

It’s my house that I own (well mortgaged). DP is moving in from rented when his contract ends in a few months, he’s in a 2 bed so his DCs share. They also share at their mums.

I have told DP his DC can share the spare room and we can decorate it, it’s big enough for a double bed so they could easily have a side each, although it#s not big enough for a physical divider due to where the window is.

DP wants his DD to go in with my DD in bedroom 2 and his DS to have bedroom 3 as they’re both girls. I have said even if DD didn’t have SN, I still don’t think I’d want her sharing, this is her only home and room – she shares a room at her dads/grandparents with her cousin and it's my house I've paid for. DP thinks that as his DC have to share at their mums they shouldn't have to with him and that it's more logical for both DDs to share the bigger room.

I have said no, they either share bedroom 2 or DP doesn’t move in. I am happy in future to move to a 4 bed so they can all have their own rooms, but it's awhile away yet. DP will not be on the mortgage or paying towards it, bills will be split 50/50 between us and we will still pay for our own holidays with our own DC then have seperate nights away.

So WIBU?

YANBU - DD doesn't share with DPs DD
YABU - DD should share with DPs DD

Hahaha. Loved this. Thank you Malificient1

If he doesn't like his DC sharing he should sleep in the living room of his 2 bed so they have a room each. CF wants a life upgrade with you!

He has the measure of OP and targeted her for a reason.
Weak boundaries.

He lives rent free, pays no maintenance.🙄

OP has the wear and tear on her home and is skivvy aupair for him and his children.

Meanwhile her SEN childs life is thrown into disarray with a man who couldn't give a shit about her, bossying her foolish mother around her own house.

Her daughter loses her santuary due to him successfully nagging her mother for her to share with a stranger.

Imagine seriously considering jamming 3 more people into your home, your childs sanctuary.

Some children cannot catch a break in life.

If the OP does this I would expect the effects on her childs MH to be absolutely catastrophic.

I really hope what people are spelling out give her pause for thought.

He's just a selfish user that has deliberately targeted a single parent with a home to use and exploit.

He will nag and guilt her if she tries to say no.

Waster.

I'd have hated being asked to do this as a child (and that's without the additional SN considerations). I valued my own space. All the more important during teenage years. I would've massively resented my mum if she asked this of me.

You should also be thinking about the stress that adding 3 people to the household is going to put on your dd. If she is a person who needs serious decompression, she may be shifting from her whole home being a safe space to only her room being a space where she can relax. Just having them in the house all the time may be detrimental depending on her diagnosis.

So...
you're not bothered about him moving in but you will inevitably end up with more work if he is there all the time and his children are there 50% of the time.

Your daughter will have to share her house with two other children for 50% of the time which could lead to more issues than you have already, even more so if you give in to your DP and take her safe space away from her and make her share a room too.

In all honesty, it's not going to be great for his kids either.

The only person this benefits is your so called DP. He gets to live rent free with sex and free child care on tap.

As PP have said the red flags are already showing. He hasn't moved in yet and already he's trying to call the shots, and unforgivably, has shown he doesn't give a shit about your precious daughter and her needs.

Put your daughter (and you) first and tell him you've had a rethink and you want things to stay as they are.

Was moving in his idea?

You don't need to explain anything here OP.
Soon as you wrote out what/who each bedroom is currently for, you didn't need to explain further.

This is your DDs home. It was her home before it will ever be his. Unless it was her idea to share, I wouldn't even dream of this scenario ever happening.

Don't let this happen.

It sounds like he doesn't really understand your DD's needs which is a big red flag and that won't change. You shouldn't need to defend your DD's needs in your own home, that sounds exhausting.

It also sounds like, frankly, the move is not compatible with your families. He needs to put his kids first too.

He is just another cunty cf and he will constantly try to guilt you that you don't love his kids as much as DD (of course you fucking don't).

It's refreshing to see a woman thinking with her head and not her vag, and putting her children first. Absolutely he does not move in if it will mean your DD loses her room.

The thing is OP, if he does move in, eventually you'll have to buy somewhere bigger. I completely agree with you about your DD not sharing, you're totally right, but even if his kids shared a room for now, when they get older they'd have to have separate rooms and that would mean either buying a bigger house or DD having to share (I'm talking down the line when they start becoming teenagers).

I would halt these plans and would not move in with him. Is it in the best interests of your daughter to have these additional three people, who you have known for 18 months, move into her home? What about when DP's DD reaches puberty in a couple of years, and doesn't want to be sharing a room with her little brother (completely reasonably). This has recipe for disaster written all over it. I'd keep your own places and continue the relationship as is, until much much further down the line

He sounds like just the type of entitled scum, that having lived off you for a few years, not paying any rent, would find some equally scummy solicitor to make a claim against your home.

You have been well warned!

Do not move him in. If you are already disagreeing on this, you have a problem. Of course you are right but tbh even if she didn't have SEN, you would be disadvantaging her to allow DP and his kids in. This will come up time and time again. As his kids get older, he will bring this up again and it will become a source of disagreement.

Trying to dictate what happens in your house before he even moves in? I'd be very displeased and would tell him he can either abide by your wishes or he can just wait until you (as a couple) are able to buy a bigger home to share. They share at other houses, so why is it a problem at yours? Imo, different-sex siblings who've grown up together sharing is less of a potential for problems than same-sex step-siblings who have never lived in the same home before.

Surely the children whose normal is sharing will suffer the least in a 'someone's got to share a bedroom' situation.
Not your DD for whom the change would be a massive loss is quality of life and no benefit.

There are red flags all over this though. I'd be pulling the emergency cord and putting the brakes on the whole shebang if it was me.

He does not move in. It doesn't suit you and DD at ALL. He can stay over on nights when he doesn't have his DC if that would suit you and DD but he needs to keep his own place.

Worst, WORST case scenario and he does move in then his DC can have bunk beds in their room so there's a bit more space (I don't think them sharing a bed 50% of the time is good for them either) and your DD keeps her own room.

But this current plan suits him and him only. No.

DD keeps own room. If, if you buy together in the future, carefully protect your equity from this existing house, and ensure you and your daughter's financial future is secured. He has more financial commitments than you do, so you need to be very clear about his income, outgoings, current debt levels, etc before you end up entwined. Unsure whether he'll have any ownership of a future bigger house, if he will you need to ring fence your deposit. If he isn't going to have a financial stake in any new house, get advice on his rights regarding you being able to evict him in your relationship goes wrong. Your and your DD must not be at risk as you currently have security.

YANBU. If you were to move your partner in and make your daughter share a room, it would have a negative impact on her. To take away her privacy and her safe, quiet place for half the week would make her miserable and you are absolutely correct to put her first.

While I completely see why you mentioned her SN, I personally don't think you even need to factor that into your decision. It would be unfair on her even if she had no SN. Some kids love sharing a room, but some absolutely hate it, and it sounds like your daughter would be one of them. I would probably have chosen to sleep in a cupboard rather than have a step-sibling share a room with me when I was a child. Having that one little space to be on my own was ultra-important to me.

In these circumstances all teh children need their own bedrooms i think. The SDD will very soon be too old to be sharing her room with her brother.
Could you do a loft conversion? Otherwise i think you need to wait til you hav more space

This 100% no way would I do that to my dd and no way would I be dictated to.

Do not let him move in. It's a massive red flag that he expects to just dictate that your DD share a room in YOUR home. He has no right to dictate!! Think of your poor DD - this will be a major upheaval for her with him moving in with his DC and if you add sharing a room to the mix too then it will be awful for her. Continue living separately. If you decide down the line that you would like to move in, then you both contribute equally to a bigger house (a 4 bed) but until then, stick to the current arrangement of living separately.

He would not be moving in. Take this as a sign.

Could you rent out your house and rent a 4 bedroom house together? It would make a more balanced situation and if things won't work for some reason between you, you'll always have your own house to go back to.

Yeah, I don't think moving in is the answer. Neither of you are being unreasonable. A boy and girl can only share for so long, they can't do it indefinitely. So he needs to rent a bigger place or you buy a bigger one. What's the rush to move on?