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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

School gate hell!!

130 replies

Popcornlassie28 · 05/06/2023 11:33

Hi everyone,

Sorry for such a whining post but I wanted to know if anyone else feels the way I do and how they have tackled it.

My daughter is in Reception at school and she moved in December to her new school- so really early into the year.

None of the other Mum’s talk to me or even say ‘Hello’. I’m the only parent who stands alone while others all stand in their groups. I’ve tried with quite a few Mum’s but get often got a cold response so I have given up trying. I used to make an effort to say ‘Good morning’ etc and met with gritted teeth faces. I felt humiliated.

During school holidays, a lot of the Mum’s have ‘play dates’ which my daughter has never been invited to and when she goes back to school asks me why she wasn’t invited.

Please say I’m not the only one! I know it’s petty but I’ve cried over this and it’s really effected my self esteem. I don’t know what I have done so wrong to these women!!

I dread drop offs and pick ups to the point I have to mentally prepare myself to be stood alone and being stared at. :(

OP posts:

grumpymole · 05/06/2023 11:37

School Bullies just become Bullies !

I don't have any advice on how to tackle this, but feeling for you - know this: One day some kid is going to bully their child and only then they will understand how this behaviour impacts someones mental health. x

Testina · 05/06/2023 11:38

I very much doubt it’s personal. People have their own groups and they’re under no obligation to include you, nice as that might be. At this age, play dates are mostly based on which mothers know each other. That changes gradually to child’s choice. Have you hosted a play date yet? If you can afford it, I recommend a whole-class birthday party if possible. After 7 years of big parties and my child having loads of play dates - hosting and invited - I still had barely any school gate interaction with the vast majority of the school mums. We have kids the same age in the same school and that was all we had in common.

SunnySaturdayMorning · 05/06/2023 11:39

grumpymole · 05/06/2023 11:37

School Bullies just become Bullies !

Oh fgs. They aren’t bullying her just because they don’t want to be friends with her.

Nobody has to be friends with anyone they don’t want to.

Original poster

Popcornlassie28 · 05/06/2023 11:41

Thank you @grumpymole for your message! I read it in floods of tears as I do not understand it at all and it’s really getting me down. X

OP posts:

Nordicrain · 05/06/2023 11:42

You have to put yourself out there if you want to make schoolgate friends (which of course not everyone is bothered about). Invite kids for play dates untill you get invitations back. Volunteer to be a parent helper. Is there a class whatsapp group? Could you suggest a park meet up after school one day no the weather is nicer?

Bingbangbongbash · 05/06/2023 11:43

They are either complete cows or you are projecting your low self esteem on their reaction. They are likely already friends because the kids went to pre-school together. Either way, it’s horrible for you.

I would try to be proactive - invite a kid over for a play date. At their age, the mum or dad will probably stay so you can start getting to know them one-on-one. Keep asking if at first it doesn’t happen.

Also, maybe try joining the PTA or similar, so you get to know some other parents in the school. It’ll help you feel part of the community and hopefully give your self-esteem a little boost.

Is there a class WhatsApp? Join that so you know what’s going on / get invited to whole class parties.

Honestly, I think most parents are decent people and just don’t realise you’re feeling left out, rather than being cliquey bitches determined to exclude you - but it’s hard sometimes. I’m really outgoing normally but somehow feel social anxiety much more acutely around the school mums, even though they are all lovely.

grumpymole · 05/06/2023 11:44

It doesn't take any effort at all to say good morning to someone, its called being civil. Ignoring someone en masse IS bullying!! It sounds like they all need a lesson in manners!

Sissynova · 05/06/2023 11:45

You can't complain about no invites to playdates when you haven't invited any children either!

Most people do not care about making friends at the school gates, and they certainly aren't putting those interactions on such a pedestal. It is a tiny portion of your day, most people are there just to pick up their kid and might briefly chat to a friend or acquaintance they happen to see there.

GreenIsle · 05/06/2023 11:45

Hi op I understand how you feel I absolutely hate pick up time. To be fair I usually sit in my car now until I see my child coming to the gate because I couldn't be bothered chatting to others. I love to people watch and see the busy bee mums who literally have to stand at the gate super early to chat to everyone .

However if I was standing there and someone chatted to me I would be be totally happy with this and make them feel at ease. I'm not completely antisocial. As pp said class partys are a really good way to meet the mums and swap numbers a bit more. You can also see who your child plays more with and use the party and an opportunity for an open invitation. I feel some mums are just so wrapped up in their own world and actually it's not about you at all they are just not very aware people.

GreenIsle · 05/06/2023 11:47

Just to add op my dc has play dates with 2 other children and I got to know there mums only just enough so they could do play dates, I don't need to be friends with them and once the children grow a bit more I won't need contact with the parent at all likely.

SunnySaturdayMorning · 05/06/2023 11:47

grumpymole · 05/06/2023 11:44

It doesn't take any effort at all to say good morning to someone, its called being civil. Ignoring someone en masse IS bullying!! It sounds like they all need a lesson in manners!

Don’t be so ridiculous. They’re not ignoring her, they’re just not wanting to be friends.

They didn’t have a meeting and think “oh let’s all ignore OP”. OP just isn’t giving off I would be a good friend vibes.

LlynTegid · 05/06/2023 11:48

You say you have moved, have you had silent or other treatment in any other area of your life? Or has your DH/DP?

Some places are hostile to those moving in to the area, whoever they are, regardless of age or anything else.

GreenIsle · 05/06/2023 11:49

Op just to add further my dc is in year 4 and it did take a good few years for play dates to begin properly so it's still early days. If you really want to make friends then you will need to put yourself out there more

MMorales · 05/06/2023 11:51

I only ever do drop offs on a Friday morning. And maybe 1 pick up every couple of weeks.

So I never had any chance of making friends at the school gate. I barely recognise any of the other parents.

You shouldn't let this bother you.

Make friends in a different setting.

SaulHudsonDavidJones · 05/06/2023 11:51

I have plenty of experience in school gate emotions. I am naturally pretty shy and terrible at small talk, but also I try to be outgoing if someone talks to me. So I've never really been one to initiate school friendships but am engaging if someone does initiate. I spent years feeling excluded and sad. What I've learnt over the years is that mostly, people just chat to whoever they're stood next to and these chats make future chats easier as they follow up whatever they were talking about previously. Most people don't exclude others on purpose, but also don't make an effort if someone is standing there quietly. I think you just need to consistently stand next to people and make small talk which then grows over time. And invite someone over for a play date. Things snowball after that.

Evergreen82738 · 05/06/2023 11:52

I love getting older as I find things like this faze me less (your reaction is totally justified however). I'd probably enjoy the peace and be glad I'm out of any gossipy cliques. In a few years time you'll never see these people again!

FriedEggChocolate · 05/06/2023 11:52

Same here @Popcornlassie28 . I work FT so only get to do one pick up a week. The extent to which the DC's social life is navigated solely by the mother's friendships (and it is always DMs, my DH never gets asked about play dates for DD). It's so disheartening.

Original poster

Popcornlassie28 · 05/06/2023 11:52

Never experienced this before ever. Never in her nursery days or old school days either.

There isn’t a lot of movement in schools in our area either. A lot of the grandparents, parents etc all went to the same school etc.

OP posts:

Sunnysunbun · 05/06/2023 11:53

School gate hell. Not having to talk to these people means you’re the winner in all this.

windowopen · 05/06/2023 11:55

Join the PTA or other school groups. Offer to volunteer for the fair, or sports day, or to go along to a school trip.
Speak to your child and find out who they are friends with. Invite that friend round for a play date.

littlefireseverywhere · 05/06/2023 11:55

Has your DD a friend she’d like to invite over? Or, could you offer to join the PTA ? Both will get you knowing different parents

BeverlyHa · 05/06/2023 11:58

from someone posted at another thread year ago or so:

MMorales · Today 11:51
I only ever do drop offs on a Friday morning. And maybe 1 pick up every couple of weeks.

So I never had any chance of making friends at the school gate. I barely recognise any of the other parents.

You shouldn't let this bother you.

Make friends in a different setting.

.........

me too, my husband drives and do all the drop offs and I do pick ups twice a week plus I am foreign and do not understand such weird women who do this to other women so I just even do not bother thinking about making effort to have friends from the school. Many actually chatted to me and said Hi the first year but I am never there, plus i only started using whatsapp. I honestly do not blame others. Sometimes i go and stand in the queue, someties i am first, sometimes last, sometimes i say Hi, sometimes i am on the phone and you know what, who bloody cares

BeverlyHa · 05/06/2023 12:03

about having an only child, no problem: the child will have to make their own way at school so give destiny and life and child and yourself a clean fresh break, relax ....oh please

Goochie · 05/06/2023 12:04

Bless you OP. I completely understand.

Please ignore the harsh messages - people like a pile-on in AIBU but there are lots of us out here who understand and can relate.

People have their own groups and they’re under no obligation to include you, nice as that might be.

Is this really where we are at in society?! Saying good morning and being welcoming to newcomers is just decent, friendly behaviour. "Treat others as you would wish to be treated" seems to have gone out of fashion 😞

I'd start really small OP - ask your daughter for the name of one child whom she likes playing with, and seek out that parent to arrange a play date. If you have no success, try not to take it to heart (easier said than done, I know), and move on to the next one.

Eventually one child's parent will say yes, and then you'll have had some success. You can then build on this by asking someone else. Gradually it'll improve I'm sure.

Sending you big hugs. I get it. 🤗

Roundandnour · 05/06/2023 12:05

Ask your child who they interact the most with in their classroom.
As they leave the class approach the child and adult and either you or child ask if they’d like to play after school.

Or let your child know they can ask their friends around.

Some will claim without these adults your child will suffer and not get invites. Honestly it’s bollocks. For most of my kids school life I was there two maybe three times a week. My kids still got invited to places. And to arrange play dates on my end I did as I suggested above

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