School gate hell!!

[Popcornlassie28]

Hi everyone,

Sorry for such a whining post but I wanted to know if anyone else feels the way I do and how they have tackled it.

My daughter is in Reception at school and she moved in December to her new school- so really early into the year.

None of the other Mum’s talk to me or even say ‘Hello’. I’m the only parent who stands alone while others all stand in their groups. I’ve tried with quite a few Mum’s but get often got a cold response so I have given up trying. I used to make an effort to say ‘Good morning’ etc and met with gritted teeth faces. I felt humiliated.

During school holidays, a lot of the Mum’s have ‘play dates’ which my daughter has never been invited to and when she goes back to school asks me why she wasn’t invited.

Please say I’m not the only one! I know it’s petty but I’ve cried over this and it’s really effected my self esteem. I don’t know what I have done so wrong to these women!!

I dread drop offs and pick ups to the point I have to mentally prepare myself to be stood alone and being stared at. :(

So which children does your DD want a play date with? You need to ask their mums if they are free to play in the park or pop round on a suggested date. Keep repeating, invite different children, different mums You need to do some of the leg work for play dates to happen. It’s not fair to expect others to do all the leg work.

It is hard to break into a community where everyone knows every one else.

You could try to observe which children live in your direction and then invite the mother and child on a play date to your home.
You could try inviting a friend who your child plays with to Maccas with her Mum..
You could hold a party with three friends of your child - just to meet the parent and child.
You could join an after school activity or club and make a friend of a parent through that avenue and then invite on a play date.
It is not personally a problem with you. They just have their friends.
You could try inviting another new parent out for coffee after school drop off.
You could volunteer being a parent reader in class or on the grounds committee or Parents Club.
It will take time, some left of field thinking and a big dose of gumption.

Also investing in a small dog will bring great joy to your child and attract others.

I started out well with DS who is now in Y6 but he left the school (he has SEN but had a lot of friends at that school) and they dropped me like a hot potato.
DD is 2 years younger and it's been hard - a few friends are parents of two DC in the same years but it's mainly been parents of her friends, who are mainly just chat at the gate types. I've never been on a night out with them, the odd coffee in Reception but then we had COVID.

Have to say I don't know why people get so bothered by this. I didn't make any friends at the primary school gates throughout DS's entire time there and it wasn't really on my radar. Surely you're there just to pick up your child? As they get older they start forging more solid friendships, I exchanged numbers with a couple of the mums after DS found his "tribe" just to invite them to birthday parties and the like but we weren't friends.

Find this really weird. You dont know these women, they might be shit friends, get actual friends and stop attaching so much importance, its just the school gates i'm not sure why you expected everyone to beam and shout 'hiiiii bestieee' when you showed up 🤨 if your kid wants play dates you have to give yours a note with your number on and ask them to get so and so's mummy to call you. You MIGHT become friends with so and sos mummy, but its not garanteed.

I worked full time from my children being tiny so I dropped them off at breakfast club and picked them up from after school club, the parents I saw there were all of the same mindset.....get in and out quickly both times, we are in a rush!
I got to know a few of them (took years!) but none of us were 'friends' as no one had the time to commit to anything!
When the kids wanted to arrange play dates we used to leave our name and number with the TA (small school) and sort things that way,. Maybe worth trying OP.

@SunnySaturdayMorning charming, you're clearly one of 'those' mums the OP was talking about.

People probably already know each other from nursery or the beginning of reception. So you have arrived once people have found like minded people.

I made several friends at the school gate, some I still meet 20 years later. It happens bit by bit. You spot someone you know and go over and say hello and make a comment.

Actually as a PP said, arriving early probably helps because there are only a few people are there, they're not in a group yet.

Also see who your DC wants to invite to yours and find the parent. You'll get chance to talk to them while they're there and can follow up conversations st school.

But for me, I wasn't there to make friends for myself, my aim was to facilitate friendships for my DC. Finding like minded, fun friends was a nice bonus.

Do they do any after school activities? My school gate friends have been made sitting in a cafe after school with coffee and cake.

Play dates are cyclical so you just need to start them off. Ask a couple of the children they play with most round, don’t need to ask the parents get your daughter to write a note with time, date, location and you put your phone number. She invites her friends, they get enthusiastic. I often do home made pizzas they love rolling out the dough themselves. Silly faces from ingredients and they get dinner out of it

OP, as someone who turns up and stands alone as we moved schools and know no one either... these people don't matter.

Your child will make friends and be included naturally, why do you need to be friends with people you have nothing in common with other than having a kid?

Not taking to anyone at the gate is bliss for me!

I agree with this. Of course noone is "obliged" to be friends with anyone but OP isnt asking them to go on girly nights out and share deep secrets together, she's just expecting someone to talk to her at the school gates. Thats got nothing to do with being "friends" with someone, its just about basic kindness/sociability. Chatting to someone doesnt automatically= friends does it? if this were the case, I am "friends" with a woman I spoke with once at the bus stop and a man I chatted to over the vegetable aisle at Tescos!

The thing is, when you have kids there is a lot of stuff you read about how you'll make mum friends at toddler groups and at school and so you have this expectation that people will be well, friendly. Therefore its really jarring to find the opposite. I was the first out of all my friends to have kids and I tried to chat with many mums at the school gates but because they all seemed to know each other previously from nursery attendance they did act very cliquey and my efforts just went nowhere. I am not shy, I can talk to anyone and I work in an area where I am talking to new people all day long so I am able to recognise when someone is being genuinely friendly or aloof and cliquey and they were aloof and cliquey. I didnt sweat it. I have a wide circle of friends anyway so I knew it was about them and their issues and and not about me. The silly thing is, now our kids are all at secondary school, there are no more drop offs and from what I have heard, half those cliquey mums arent even in contact with each other any more. So clearly, their "friendships" which people keep lauding, werent that rock solid and important anyway.

They’ve probably all known each other since school, it was the same in the first month or so at my DDs school, I changed my route in (I park a few streets away). and the parents walking in on that side of the school were totally different. I assume because they are generally also not born in the area, slightly older and maybe more open to meeting new people? The change was really noticeable! Try going in at a different time, 5 minutes makes a difference-it must do as you never see some parents on the school run.

I used to feel a bit like this but I don't care about it now. I've got 3 classrooms to queue up and wait outside so I'm always in a rush and usually the last to get there when everyone else has gone. I've seen parents from the school getting too involved in each others lives to the point mums have been crying and arguing on the playground about who said what about someone else's kid. And someone's husband had an affair with another school mum because they started family get togethers where they slept over, holidays together etc. I just see it as dropping my kids off at school, if I have a chat with someone then that's nice but I'm not there to make friends.

Just talk to someone, anyone. Say something complementary about their child, anything.
There is so much nonsense talked about the bloody school gate. People talk to their friends and people that are approachable. Standing there with a face like a slapped arse thinking “nobody likes me” is a guaranteed way not to be spoken to.

How do you expect to be invited to play dates if no one actually knows you? They won't have your phone number either.

At the end of the day, people aren't going to go out their way for someone who isn't making an effort, they don't know you want to be part of the group, they're not mind readers! A half smile in passing isn't making an effort. Introduce yourself, explain you've just moved or whatever, join the class WhatsApp, you'll then have all the mums numbers to be able to message them privately and invite them to play dates

It's manners. They haven't got any. Basically, it's not you, it's them. I was quite surprised when my child started primary how people never met your eyes or said good morning. Just manners!

I’m sorry I’m trying to be as kind as I can with this as I can see you are upset.

But this is really not rational behaviour at all. You are reading motives which aren’t there onto these people, I assume because you don’t know many people and are shy.

The thing is that the paranoia of “school gate mums” and their “cliques” has become a kind of pathology on Mumsnet (and I assume in society) and this is symptomatic of a real sickness in our society. Why are so many adult women reduced to a quivering mess by the behaviour of other women they don’t know? It really scares me that this has become a big thing. Not least because so many people pile onto each thread saying things like “yes they are all horrible bullies” and generally fuel the paranoia. Accusations of bullying are absolutely unhinged.

OP turn this on its head. You are new to the area, you don’t really know anyone. Why would you automatically have loads of friends at school? You wouldn’t.

You are reading far, far too much into these trivial interactions. If someone hasn’t said hello or smiled at you it 100% is not to do with you. It’s to do with something going on with them. They may be tired, or busy or depressed. They may just not be mentally present. Am awful lot of people just drop off and then go to their jobs and don’t really think about the “school mum clique”. Most people just aren’t that focused on it. They will be friendly to the nearest person who smiles at them but it doesn’t mean much and if they don’t smile at you they are not dissing you they just for whatever reason haven’t registered.

Why do so many people feel they have an entitlement to have school mum friends? It’s not meant to be a guarantee of a social life.

You need to disengage and care less about it but also ask yourself why you mind so much? Find other friends.

I find this at the current school. My worry is that DC won't be included in playdates without me getting to know other mums.

Yep, it is true.
I am quite shy and mostly keep to myself, perfectly polite to others and chat but still…at my DD old school she was left out of play dates and parties because I was not in with the cliques. People say, it doesn’t matter but when it effects your
child, yes you are going to care!

We moved and DD much happier, invited to play dates etc. So I think a big part is to do with the community around the school.

I've asked the OP this but I've received no answer. What happens when you invite children over to yours for play dates?

Where has this assumption come from that the schools gates are a big social occasion unlike any other? Some people know each other already, from other settings and will chat. Others are rushing off to work or to collect other children from other places. Some just aren't up for chatting. Yet there is this common perception that it should be one happy gang of mothers (never dads), all chatting and laughing and organising whole class trips to the park.

OP is not being "bullied" by people not talking to her. Other people who might have all number of other things going on. Other people are not in a clique - they are just people talking to people they know already. If you are not prepared to put yourself out there by joining the PTA, taking the lead in organising the playdates or whatever, friends are not going to drop into your lap as so many women seem to think they will do.

@Ladybug14 I’m getting through people’s comments as there are quite a few but it’s been left as ‘Yes we shall arrange something’ and when I’ve tried to pin a date down it’s been they can’t due to work or other commitments.

This is probably true. I’m sure things will get better in time, it’s a slow process when new at school.

Why don't you invite one of the children for a play date ?

Maybe offer to collect their child/ren from school when you collect yours. Take them all home for tea and play. Parent can collect after work. Makes you useful and helps you get to know the parent. Invite them in for a coffee or a glass of wine on pick up at 6 or whatever time