School gate hell!!

[Popcornlassie28]

Hi everyone,

Sorry for such a whining post but I wanted to know if anyone else feels the way I do and how they have tackled it.

My daughter is in Reception at school and she moved in December to her new school- so really early into the year.

None of the other Mum’s talk to me or even say ‘Hello’. I’m the only parent who stands alone while others all stand in their groups. I’ve tried with quite a few Mum’s but get often got a cold response so I have given up trying. I used to make an effort to say ‘Good morning’ etc and met with gritted teeth faces. I felt humiliated.

During school holidays, a lot of the Mum’s have ‘play dates’ which my daughter has never been invited to and when she goes back to school asks me why she wasn’t invited.

Please say I’m not the only one! I know it’s petty but I’ve cried over this and it’s really effected my self esteem. I don’t know what I have done so wrong to these women!!

I dread drop offs and pick ups to the point I have to mentally prepare myself to be stood alone and being stared at. :(

Thank you @giraffetrousers.

The comments that have said ‘I’m shit friend material’ and that I want people to scream out ‘Hi Bestie’ is bizarre. I haven’t said I want to be friends with these people?

As you said I would be friends with the bus driver, delivery driver etc. I have only said I have found them cold and attempts to make polite small talk have been not reciprocated.

Who said I arrive with a smacked ass face too?! I’m usually with my other younger child so I’m smiling with her as she’s a baby😅
I’m sorry but I think sometimes these threads get personal about people when it doesn’t need to be that deep.

It shows a lot about the people on here. I’m happy in all other areas of my life. I have friends, I’m a happy, bubbly person and when reading the comments that are negative, I laughed at the ridiculousness of them. I just find the school gate awful. Many other women have said the same about it, it’s not an isolated comment.

Those who have given GENUINE advice such as keep chipping away with small talk, play dates and that it takes time to settle into a new area, thank you. I am doing some of the leg work but not doing all of it as I’m not that desperate to fit in if they are all settled into groups from years prior. I never said I wanted to be die hard besties, only a hello and small talk to make the years at the school easier.

Remember, those behind the screens commenting mean things that all you are doing is reflecting yourself to look not kind.

There was a thread on MN a few weeks back where a poster had similar and she had a terrible trouncing from others claiming there were no such things as cliques. I and others were called out for offering the poor op some small amount of moral support. So there are bullies, and keyboard bullies following on. The thread was pulled.

I would not set so much store by playground friendships. I am a gp carer and second time round, avoided too much interaction whilst remaining pleasant. I have seen cliques implode and it does seem to be a weird sort of power struggle and knowing one fairly well, incredibly bitchy as well. I would, unless you really want to cultivate friendships, go in last minute and arrive last minute. Is there anyone who could share pick ups and drops offs family wise? It would give you a breather. You sound a nice person who deserves better friends and acquaintances than this. Courtesy and kindness costs nothing.

@Goochie Thank you!🩷

@lollipoprainbow Thank you! 🩷

@onecarrot This is LEGENDARY!!

Thank you!🩷

If you have time volunteering is helpful. You tend to meet people who are either just really helpful or people like you who haven't found any friendly faces yet. So you help at the jumble sale and the mum on the same stall will smile and say hello next time you are dropping off picking up and so on.

I worked when mine were young but when I did do school runs I found some parents were unpleasant and I dubbed them the school gate mafia and it might be childish but naming them helped me.

I hope it improves for you.

ElsieMc
To be fair if that's the thread I'm thinking of the OP was viewing every friendly interaction between other parents as cliques and had a huge chip on their shoulder.

OP The people who don't even say hello or good morning are being rude. There's no reason not to acknowledge someone else.
Equally, some people might be friends already and/or pick up is a rare breather for them to catch up with friends, and it's nothing personal.

I know one of my very sociable friends has multiple children so now her youngest is in school she openly said to me that she's met lots of parent friends when her older DC were younger, they have family friends and DC have their own friends, so she's at capacity on how many friends she can manage to invest in. She's quite happy to say hello and make small talk at the gates but she says it's already a juggling act getting multiple children to their play dates and clubs and seeing family friends without adding more on.

The posters suggesting volunteering or getting involved with people who have a shared purpose/interest might be a good option.

@ElsieMc Thank you! I honestly just think I’ve moved into an area where there isn’t much movement so new families aren’t common.

Some people have decided to jump on the bandwagon on this thread and luckily it doesn’t bother me. However, being kind and thoughtful and not making rude comments is basic human politeness but that’s okay!

I think I will try to be ‘friendly’ with the parents of the children that my DC plays with but apart from that, a hello and goodbye is plenty and if it’s not reciprocated then that’s on them 🤷‍♀️ x

@ElsieMc

There was a thread on MN a few weeks back where a poster had similar and she had a terrible trouncing from others claiming there were no such things as cliques. I and others were called out for offering the poor op some small amount of moral support. So there are bullies, and keyboard bullies following on. The thread was pulled.

I'm sorry, but some of us feel quite strongly about this after reading hundreds of threads like this. When someone like this posts a thread saying they find the school gates to be "hell" or that they are full of bitches and cliques, responding to say "there there, yes you're right, they're all bitches" is profoundly unhelpful. You're not offering "support" by reinforcing this. You are stoking up an existing paranoia in a poster who is upset and around a situation you don't understand.

It's very clear to me that there's a significant pathology around school gate behaviour. A lot of people whip themselves into a complete anxious frenzy about totally normal behaviour in schools. This poster, for example is clearly struggling with anxiety. Telling her she's right and yes they do all hate her is a really really bad idea.

I'm sorry to be blunt but anyone who thinks the school mum network is a guaranteed friendship network on a plate needs a wake up call. It just ain't like that. It's a random bunch of women going about their daily lives. Some of them might be grumpy, some will be friendly. The grumpy ones aren't grumpy because of you, they're grumpy because of other things in their lives. They are probably busy, thinking about work, they may themselves have anxiety, they may feel ill, they may have argued with their husbands. It's not all about you.

Instead of churning away at this ridiculous mythology that all school mums are bitches and cliques who are out to get people why don't we try to examine the reasons that set this off in the first place: ie that people put so much store in the idea that they will make an entire new set of friendships at school in the first place. It's completely unrealistic. You may make one or two lasting friendships at school, but the majority of women won't go on to be friends and that's OK. That's life. If there are existing friendships there it's very likely because people know each other from previous childcare settings. If they know one another better it's not a conspiracy against you. It just is what it is.

I find it genuinely worrying that so many otherwise sensible people get so triggered and stressed by this non issue and it's really unhelpful when others come on and tell them they are right and it is a grand conspiracy.

I’m sorry there are too many comments to reply to individually but I asked for advice on how to tackle also and that’s what I got.

Thank you to every comment even the negative ones as it’s a thread so you grow and learn from them, even if I think delivery could be better (it doesn’t bother me but could really hurt someone else)🤕

Thank you to the Mum’s that empathise and understand so I don’t feel alone in this, thank you to the ones telling me it’s not that big of a deal as you are right, in life it’s not and I’m happy in all other areas of my life.

Thank you to the ones who are suggesting play dates etc that’s fallen a little flat atm but it will pick up in time, I just need to hang in there as being new takes time. I have a younger child so unable to volunteer a lot as baby is always with me but will ask about and give it a good shot.

The Mum’s that grit their teeth and and are rude, sorry but it is rudeness. I am going to put in a box and bench them and not give them a second thought and will keep trying with other parents.

If I have missed anything, sorry this threat gained more attention than I thought but grateful for the input! X

True! It’s harsh in life but true, I doubt it’s personal. It can just feel that way at times but I agree with you. Thanks for the comment x

@GreenIsle We sound similar in how we approach the school gate! Thank you for your comments. Hope it’s better and stays better for you x

@Iwasafool Good idea! I mentally put people in a box and close the lid if they are rude time and time again after really trying with them. Thanks x

@Thepeopleversuswork I see this side of it also, it helps to understand the the whole picture. Thanks for the comment!

@SaulHudsonDavidJones Thank you! Great advice!🩵

@Bexx87 Sounds like EastEnders for schools!!!😅

@YukoandHiro and @Bingbangbongbash This is also how I feel exactly! In all other areas of my life I’m confident but not on the school grounds. Such odd circumstances! X

@cigarettesNalcohol Thank you so much for your comment! I’m sorry you have gone through this too. Thank you for making me feel not alone in this. Fingers crossed it stays better for you x

I send my son to dance classes that have mums and dads like this. After one pie faced mother was like it to me I deliberately stood in ‘their’ spot at pick up I wouldn’t move or look at her or the rest of them and she ended up standing really close to me I could smell her lol. I know it’s petty but it was satisfying and gave me something to do while I waited 😂 I certainly wouldn’t let them upset you. I suggest you stand there and say dream about putting dog shit in their letter boxes. That’ll make you feel much better.

@FriedEggChocolate ❤️
I’m sorry to hear this! From what I have been reading on this thread is that it can be luck of the draw and that hopefully as the children get older they can navigate their friendships.

Hang tight, it’s just a sticky spot to be in! X

I think for me it’s because my kid is involved. I don’t care if people don’t like me, because whatever - I don’t like / get on with everyone, so why should I expect everyone to like me? - but I would hate to feel like my kid was missing out or being shunned because of someone disliking me. It’s never actually happened - like I said, the parents at school all seem super friendly and nice - but I think that’s where the extra layer of anxiety comes from.

Good luck! You’ll get there.

@LittleMG I love your imagination! 🌈

Just thank your lucky stars that you don’t have people like this in your life. I couldn’t stand the school gate groups who all thought they were wonderful, when in fact they were just groups of complete bitches who talked about each other when one was absent, nasty spiteful shit stirrers who had nothing better to do than be nasty 15 x2 a day. Sad and pathetic, you don’t need this in your life!

@thepeopleversuswork What do you mean that I, and other posters are not being supportive in churning out "ridiculous mythology". Where has anyone said that the school gates are overrun with cliques and bitches. In fact what you are saying is a myth and your post is a distortion and exaggeration of what has been said. In particular your put down of those who want to offer empathy and support who are certainly not stoking up paranoia, simply trying to offer solutions to the op's issues. It is not about you.

If you can pinpoint where I have said the schoolgate mums are all bitches, then please do quote me. If you do not like these threads, maybe avoid them and spread happiness elsewhere.